dumb dumb wants gum gum.

HAHAHAHA.
okkkk, night at the museum is just RETARDEDLY funny.
laughed like mad.
the characters are just hilarious lah.
and how they change over time.
seriously. that 8 bucks is well spent. i deserve that much of laughter after so long. =)

met monz and edwin and ming in vivocity for the movie, then dinner at the HK cafe afterwhich. set me back poorer by 20 bucks. SIGH.

then lingered around the shops. GOT MY GAP SWEATER FINALLY.
they say it looks nice on me, i'm glad.
but i'm left with $1 after spending $89 on it.
SIGH. grass, here comes jielin the cow.


but well, i can cross it off my wish list i guess.
if only my make-believe-rich-bf had bought that for me. HAHAHAHAHA.
okok, i'm dreaming ok? give me a break.

now it's time to save. no more shopping. i guess i needa leave my off-white high cut sneakers to mid year shopping. =(

JAN is the month when i can earn pretty much. so bless me. i wanna see that 4 digit account again. please please please.

COME STUDENTS COME. more students=more pay.


i feel so happy now.
-grins-


it's NYE now. woots!
can't wait to see the sec 4 class peeps again.
god knows how long sia. =D

yea, mission tummy-reduction is still on the way.
maybe i should squeeze in a run later in the noon.
WORK HARD!!!!


the rainy season is almost over, they all say.
what a pity.
i like all of it.
except increased mosquito attacks.
change of season, change of luck.
i hope 2007 will be kinder to me.
it's time.

wish list.

coming rather late i must add.
but well, this i shall strive towards!


1) T10 camera please.
2) GAP sweater i've been eyeing for god damn long.
3) travelling at EOY of 2007--japan, HK, taiwan(choose one, hopefully)
4) start my own savings plan for the FUTURE, yes. let me see a 4 figure a/c.
5) lose 5kg and get a decent body.
6) GPA 3.5 ABOVE please, for new sem.
7) FUCKING PASS MATHS, PRAY.
8) meet new friends, enjoy new sem, and yes, THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.
9) maintain present friendships of course.
10) new laptop. =(
11) new breakthroughs in life.
12) grow wiser, street and books.
13) be unbreakable.
14) be more appreciative of family, friends.
15) drink less. fats alert. health alert.
16) regain my legs.
17) save my face.
18) be happier, truly.
19) more more more shoes. drool. and clothes. DUH.
20) snow globe with a snowman in it. winded. AND music. SIGH.
----------

for now. that's about it.
now, it's time for my run.
DISCIPLINE JIELIN!

maintain maintain.



last summer.
finally, the sun is shining again.

impending.

silver rain.

pay is coming.

goal is nearing.

saving must start soon.

how will i spend NYE?
so many plans. yet which should i go to.
shucks.

weighing opportunity cost.
or maybe i can just stay at home.


sigh.

nothing much to blog recently.
too much things i want to do.
yet no company.
and weather is not favourable.
sibeisian.
now the internet is protesting.

i'm growing mould.

one minute can change so many things.

snowing.

perhaps if we consider raining in singapore to be snowing, then we are having a white christmas indeed.

strong winds, strong pelts of raindrops on the pavements, on the roads, the people.
is it snowing in their hearts too?


today, as i stood out there in the balcony, the wind smelt sweet.
surprisingly.
like sugar-coated cakes and candies.
with whipped cream on the top and cherries adorned.
with icing all over, colours sprinkled.


so sweet, i wanted to breathe in everything.
wished i could eat air.
perhaps my heart would too be filled in that sweetness.


i used to hate the rain.
i found myself loving it this year.
the cold, the chill that runs down your spine when wind sweeps your hair across your face.
whips your clothes in all directions, loose leaves falling on your head.
the grey skies, as pretty as the once clear-blues.
you just need a different perspective.


so, i received my first christmas card this year.
nowadays people don't bother with the tiresome snail-mail anymore.
sms-es, emails, msn greetings.
this unexpected card warmed my heart.

i think if maybe i don't care so much,
it doesn't matter that much at all.
sometimes, somethings, i think i don't care at all.
i choose selectively.
i placed these choices wrongly.


digression.
i like my hair.
found the right way to style it.
at least i won't look so boy anymore.
HAHAHAHA.


samsam is right.
im suffering from a syndrome.
and i hope i can get out of it soon.

creep.
now, if only someone could sing that song to me.


that tree, infront of my window for years.
only today, that i realised it's all bare.
shedding it's leaves year by year.
twigs, branches, trunk, roots; its remnants.
it has bared its soul.
around it, the other trees wave their green covered branches happily.
ignorant, oblivious, proud, sheltered.
humbly, that bare tree stood, silent, watching, observing, knowing.

the humble tree.
the rainy day.
the sweet winds.

merry christmas!

merry christmas to all!
ok, so maybe i'm not so hyped over this festive period, though i think i ought to be, cos the entire world is so excited over it.
hmmm. maybe it's just this year. the mood ain't here.

somehow the company was ok, but not smashing good.
maybe that's why.
maybe ____.


-shrugs-
anyway, i have many more christmas-es ahead.

steamboated with hockey ppl.
it was fun while it lasted.
a walk in the rain did me good.
the long bus wait and ride woke me up.

the grey skies were pretty today.
just look harder.


i'm sick.
sorethroat and all.
fucking bad.


oh wells, i miss hel.
fuck it, but i do.
i miss familiarity.
i miss alot of people.
but i'm blessed that so many people still remembered me, and bothered to wish me merry christmas.
hehs.
thankful.


well, it's a christmas to learn from.
it's a lesson to teach me well.
i've learnt.
again.


the lie, wasn't perfect. but it'll do.

christmas should be a busy day.
out out out.
i hope i get well soon.
or not i won't stop.


so bring me away.
christmas-es shouldn't be defined by presents i guess.

i wish _____.

please observe your manners.

ok fine, so what if i burp loudly?
hahahah.
i pretty much observe basic courtesy, AND i don't burp when with strangers ok!


anyway, my point here is about basic etiqutte in public.

i saw a _____ man digging his nose on the bus.

very very turn off. cos' he was standing infront of me, and he stuck TWO fingers into ONE nostril and started DIGGING around for...i assume...nose-shit.
traumatising.
after he supposedly found that piece of nose-shit, he took out his fingers and ROLLED the shit up, and flicked it onto the floor.

fucking horrified.

AND THEN, he used that same offending hand to hold onto those metal poles you see on the bus for commuters to hang onto for balance.

i'm so not going to touch them again.

disgusted.


then there are incidents of people with oily/gel-ed hair leaning against the plastic panels on MRT/bus. they leave behind this suspiciously oily smudge that is beyond gross for the next commuter to sit next to.
REALLY. even if you were that tired, you would psycho yourself not to fall asleep, or at least not fall asleep and piak your head against the windows.



and then there are people with armpit odour and insist on holding onto the handrails ABOVE, torturing people beside them.
i almost died all the way from clementi to raffles place. (i know, a pity i didn't right?)
i had to try to be polite and turn my head away, breathing the air from the opposite direction. if the train wasn't that packed, i would have moved obviously.
sigh.

i know i'm being mean, but at least if i know i have unshaved armpits or body odour, i would MASK them first with like sleeved clothes, try not to raise my arms, or even with perfume. not just flaunt them--as if they were things to be proud of.


it creates a very bad experience for any average commuter on public transport.

atop of the habitual squeezing and shoving and kiasu rushing for the seats, i am pretty tolerable ok.

maybe i should increase this tolerance level?




the wind today was good.
i could hear that clear clings from the wind chime outside.
the cheerful and teasing sounds.
pleasant, even in the silent night.


ran. finally.
it didn't rain.
good.

i'm working hard on my before sleep exercises.
HAHAHAHA.
it's better than not trying ok! =(


well, two more days left to the perfect lie.
i should be able to do it.
lying should be my forte anyway.



told my mum my results.
"wah, quite good ah."

glad.


chose my classes.
should still be different from some of the previous semester's friends. =( oh wells, things will work out.


someone give me a snow globe please.

short short.

hair.

spikey is back.
woots.
with highlights!
and when i'm out with girls, sometimes i feel like a butch. FUCK.


eh, i am not ok.
relax.

just needed a change lah.
very sian.
since cannot change clothes, no money, spend abit change hairstyle lor.



it's bloody depressing to walk down orchard road 3 times in 3 days and find so many things you wanna buy, but you have no financial ability to.
it's THAT serious.
and it really makes me very very very upset.
what to do?
tolerance, endurance, trying to be contented.
yea man.

fuck it.
i'll have to think of ways to update my wardrobe without spending then.
SIGH.

don't say my dressing is weird.
it's just not the same.

don't blend.



unexpected.
i planned to forget, you had to remind.
-shrugs-
still intending to forget.
see how.


fuck it.
santa claus, i've been really good this year, but i feel punished this christmas.

no boots weeks.

hel says im weird. as in dressing.
really really broke my heart.
I THAT WEIRD MEH?
(politically correct answer please)

HAHAHA.
oh well.
nevermind lah, i like can already right.
it's erm....DIFFERENT, UNIQUE, WHATEVER.


but data entry job cannot wear boots.
sigh. gonna miss them.
back to flats i guess.
and i need clothes, seriously.
fucking sad.

lousy christmas. no money, cannot even give liao.
each day my bank account is screaming its sadness.

gotta start saving once pay is here.
TRAVEL!!!!!
yay i have a date with hel after graduation.
LOL.
long long ago.

first sem results are passable.
cannot compare with others lah, limited intelligence.
shall not write out here, if you wanna know just ask me.


this week should be very free liao. gotta enjoy before jan starts.
not that i can enjoy much. at most go town walk walk and drool over nice stuff.
window shopping literally.

gonna go cut hair tml.
woots.
machiam like weeds.


THANKS HEL FOR YOUR EARLY XMAS PRESENT!!!
I LOVE ITTTT.
hahahahah.

ok lah, you protect yourself ah.
or not buy electric bra or those electric stick.
HAHAHAHA.
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

fate, accept it.

fate. cannot be forced upon someone for acceptance.
doesn't work this way.



be careful when you drive, ok?
it's the rainy season, and it's dangerous.
:)


christmas, and i wonder how am i going to be spending it.
new year, and i wonder too.


somehow it sucks when you are stumped about who to ask out on days like these.
A? oh cannot, got boyfriend.
b? cannot also, got girlfriend.
c? nahz, out of singapore for hols.
d? don't think so, got own group of friends.
e? with family.

and the list goes on.
-shrugs-


guess i'll have to have sex with the TV eh, frisky abs? -grins-



parents.
teenage angst and complains, don't we all know.
somehow, i've had enough, and enough means not even wanting to bother about talking about it.
so i guess the more i don't wanna talk about it, the worse the situation becomes right? HA.
so be it then.


money. still in the pits for financial matters.
very very desperate. waiting for that pay to appear. sometimes i wish i was born and raised in a different environment. just sometimes.
maybe this is just to hone my independence and grit.
i shall fight on.

waiting for jan's first two weeks to see the other 3 girls for work again. HAHAHA. i foresee fun fun fun.
and more sex talk. LOL.


today was dental appointment. more pain and throbbing. more pink.
one step at a time, i will achieve that smile. =)
buddy couldn't meet me. work.
so i bought cup noodles at 7-11 and sat there to eat. fucking sad scene ok.
can go make mtv liao.
rainy day, eat tomyum noodles, alone.
oh wells, i guess being alone can make you think more and makes you calmer too.
went all the way back to clementi to get 2 books to read so that my brain doesn't degenerate that fast.
so, a sad rainy lonely day indeed.
classic.
and i get so pissed when pple splash water on me when they walk, like intentionally.
it's as annoying as people waving their hands by their sides, flinging water off their hands after washing them--in the toilet.
really, i could slap them. BEFORE I WASH MINE. HAHAHAHA.



------------

yesterday night, i drowned in my tears and my pillow.
the pain came from inside, radiating outwards, then attacking me from the outside.
i couldn't stop.
it couldn't stop.
i forgot when i fell asleep.
i forgot why.



one day, just that one day, i might be able to walk out of your shadows completely.
and look at my shadow;
smile from within.

snow globe desires;

-----


starring zee hao as cmi angel.




this, in my opinion is hilarious. don't blame me for posting it up, cos' you voluntarily(and impulsively) pushed your face so far front. -grins-

---------
i wonder if there are any flyers jobs around with reasonable pay. i wouldn't mind doing another stint of california. LOL.

-shrugs-

any fairs want balloon givers?
geez. finding a decent job on your down in this fucking saturated market sucks.


christmas makes me yearn for so many pretty things. but this christmas, i just gotta be contented. and work extra hard. because as you grow older, things just don't seem so pretty anymore.

how many lives does a silly bird has?

because i almost got knocked down by a car again today while crossing the road.
and yes, i was in the RIGHT cos' the green man was TOTALLY IN SIGHT.

fuck that driver.
he grazed my knee just that bit, before i jumped back in shock away from that bumper of his.
fuckfuckfuck.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

forget it.
things happen for a reason.
maybe that was just to test whether my fucking heart is still beating normally.

-shrugs-

be strong squeak. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! have just that little bit of faith, have knowledge that people around you care for you, and things will go by just a tad bit easier than if you were to do it alone. destiny never lies. courage braves us through the bloodiest battles; the battles of our heart.


yes, i still do need money.
working everyday except on sunday for the first 2 weeks of jan. for that $600plus bucks. should be worth it. doing something new at least. heh.
tuitioning still.

it's just another routine.


i wish i could appreciate kindness better.
i wish i could be more appreciative.

i wish i can see the bigger world out there, instead of being trapped by myself.
my own doings.



this christmas, is going to be like the past christmas-es.
how bloody coincidental.

arguing a lost cause;

i've learnt something from a show recently:

arguing with yourself, telling yourself something isn't true...might actually make it seem convincing enough to seem not true to you in the end.

it works--but not for _____.

hah. the cruel truth of it all.

maybe all along i've been arguing a lost cause.
it's all about practised lies.
sooner or later, that glass ball breaks. that perfect world crumples.
nothing stays the same. nothing is in a piece wholly ever.
maybe that's why i don't feel the same.


i need to break out of this.
trying so hard, fighting so hard.
is it going to work? or am i simply better off succumbing to fate's intentions?
i cannot lose this faith.

i need to recollect my soul. recollect my mind.

these lies will never work out. lies about ____ never do.


i want a snow globe for my christmas this year.
plays sweet melodious tunes when wound up, with a snowman in it.
because my first love was mr. snowy.



don't keep asking me why i look so sad.
don't ask me questions i cannot answer.
not now.
i feel blessed with friends who love me, protect me, and guide me.
yet i feel isolation in my world, filled with love, but hardly penetrating me.
it's...almost weird.
it's as if i wanted to push everyone, everything away, protect myself--or so-called to protect myself. from the unpredictable. from the uncertainty. from the future.

i don't want to, but i cannot help it.

maybe i should start lying.
can i live in the world of lies which i've created for myself?

pictures up next time.



i'm gonna have to lie, to face you again.

old emotions.

wednesday, thursday and friday were hockey chalet days. went there later cos' of tuition. wanyi was really nice to send me to boon lay mrt station in her cute van while we chatted about random things. she's so agreeable(this sounds so mansfield park classic style) that i really enjoyed her company. -smiles-

and from there samsam was nicer to pick me up and send me to pasir ris mrt station without a single complain. tsktsk. i'm blessed indeed. -grins- and so, chatted somemore. happy ah~

met them there and headed for suppperrrr!! geez. the backseat was FREAKING squashed can. my butt took like 1/4 of ONE seat. there were THREE seats, and yarn and fangz occupied like TWO of them, while paula and i had to take turns getting comfy on our pathetic ONE seat. tsktsk. but it was damn hilarious lah.

drinking began. was really tired tobegin with. so got high abit then KOed. hungover the next morning like madddd. fuck. i hate it when the alcohol takes fucking long to get outta my bloodstream.

well, it's FATS-SOLUBLE afterall. HAHAHAHA.



so everything became a blur. even forgot that i slpt under turk's butt that night. gross.

but all was good by 2pm. puked uncountable times. i think the toilet bowl is my best friend. it's fucking funny to recall the crazy times during chalet. can't stop laughing. TOV. clogged sinks. ex-pukes. vomit blanket. pole dance. so much. can't be bothered to write everything.

i'll post more pics in the next entry plus more updates on happenings recently. blogger is not responding to my uploads somehow.

hues.

the sunset captured at udon thani.
pretty.
innocence and simplicity.
that village life.


if nothing goes wrong, i should be going to chalet tonight, and be back on friday morning.
so pissed with my father. and mother.
the more you oppose my thoughts and actions, the more i want to do it.
don't you ever get it?
people do grow up and grow old. by showing that you'll never trust me, i can't even be bothered to earn that trust. you simply make me detest u more. detest this home. what kind of parents do i have? what kind of daughter am i? i'm tired of this shit man. so what if i'm not doing what a good daughter should be doing? you made me not want to care about anything regarding family. you make me hate coming home.

it's...not even called a home anymore.
how often do you see parents getting mad over slightest things?
i wish i had your parents.
i wish i could soar and fly.
give me a little more freedom without nagging so much.
the more you give, maybe the more i won't want it.
it's the tension of opposites.

my friends are not fucking hooligans or bad company.
i'm so sick of you accusing my friends.
so what if they do go home later and have more fun than others? it just doesn't justify that.
so what if i like people like them? are you afraid i'll become like them? afraid you cannot control me? i'm a fucking 19 year old man.
generation gap.
maybe because i can never be like them?
everything i do, there's this reign over me.
i'm struggling so hard to break free.
the contempt is growing.

i'm only young once. i just wanna have fun.
can't i?

i need a fucking job.
fucking desperate for money.
go rob some ulu supermarket like sucre?
HAHAHAH.
just enough to get pass xmas eh, abs?

geez.
desperation.
salvation.
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?


and there are unwanted attention.
unwanted invites.
yet i cannot decline.
feels wrong to. niceness of them maybe?
why do i keep thinking they have ulterior motives?
why are you so nice to me?

eat me alive.

eat me alive;
pain-



what's lost is lost.
broken will remain broken.
damaged.
you can't tell me heal, cos' it doesnt happen this way.


"time better fucking heal me."

"shit happens in life."



i've been out almost everyday since school ended.
very bad.
lol, like a bird let loose(how apt, bird).


out with monz, paula and yarn today. ate the stupid ramen that made our lips deformed, made paula GIDDY with blocked ears, made weiyan drink from an empty cup, and that stupid monz haolian-ing all the way about how she finish her bowl and it was "no-kick".

grrrr.

i perservered. hahahaha. i finished ok!
abeit among tears and alot water.

going for chalet on wednesday! hockey peeps!!!

exciting. i foresee booze and fun and high and getting drunk and passing out.
LOL.

but i also see money flying away.
knn.


i've found a new korean drama to watch on youtube. my girl!!! hahahaha. freaking hilarious.




oh wells,
find me a hiding place.
find me neverland.

kill me.

somehow it's just so difficult once i have that spare time.
i don't want to think.


christmas is almost here.
the flashing blinking lights.
pretty and sparkling decorations.
i wish singapore would snow.
then it would coincide with my heart.

it's hard to tell how i feel sometimes.
warm and cool.
hot and cold.
steaming and freezing.


it's much better not to feel.


heard some good news today at the centre.
heh. =)
apparently that cute p1 kid i've been teaching wants me to teach him again next yr.
-grins-
and both the parents and him wants that!
yayity!
finally im of some good use.
principal and vice are happy about that. lol. they say the students like me.
which is of cos' good news.
i guess i should be glad i have a job.


oh well, meow, i think i should be getting that sweater soon! =D
and yes, i love you. but you must love me too.
hahahah.

i've got my blackies. finally wenta get a bottle of basecoat cos' that bottle of black nail polish is collecting dust at home. got my sista to help me with it! woots! FOC. can save $8. phew.

now my hands have higher aesthestic value.
hahahah.


ate dinner with my parents after tuitioning half the day away. hmmmm.
didn't get to meet the ocip peeps. =(
i hope there'll be another outing soon man.
sighhh.

more more meet ups with more more people i miss badly!


it's exercise, tan and shopping with monz tml! I CANNOT WAIT I SWEAR.
it's been agesssss since i saw her.
geez, even if she's my curse.
hahahahah.

give me snow.
give me love.
give me the night.
give me stars.
give me moon river.
give me lavender.
fairytale in paris.

side effects.

it's when things like that-
pop into your mind.
catches u offguard for that moment, that second.
pain. loss. you start to think what went wrong.
before you catch yourself and tell yourself to stop.


subconscious mind was released momentarily.


tuition resumes tml. fucking tired man. but money, yea, that's important too. december. work month, before school starts in jan. grrrr. need to make up for that one month loss of income. before i die when my bank account shows $0 left. knn.

INDEPENDENCE SUCKS SOMETIMES.
it's just the stupid fucking pride.


so-
ugc can die liao. predicted another half wrong. HAHAHAHA. i do until damn sian ok. cos' alot i didn't understand. HECK.

went out watched movie with beng and squeak and niao and meowpig. HEL GO M'SIA WHY NV TELL ME!!! grrr.

anyway, open season is DAMN LAME. cmi. HAHAHAHAH.

walked around town for a bit. felt like i was released from some ulu civilisation where people slept an average of 4 hours a day and faced words every single moment you are awake. or well, a computer screen for most. heh. RELEASE! i've attained satori(without hearing any bamboo striking). i'm glad. i wouldn't have lasted any longer. it's amazing how much exams put you through, and how much you can ACTUALLY take without collapsing.

thank god for chicken essence. :)

won't do well for finals, but it's only me to blame. hopefully a above 3.5 GPA? -grimace-

and I WANT MONEY. I WANT TO SHOP. knn!!!! why so many things so attractive. I WANT NEW STUFF. freak.

it's time to work my guts out.
but first, who got lobang?!
i've decided that december is going to be a month of experiencing. various jobs would be nice. i just wanna try out more new stuff. heh.



christmas has always been a lonely season.
love me-
will you?

almost there.

i'm almost free.
one more day.

and i can sleep in peace.
fuck it.
sleep also dream that i am studying.
how sick is that man. grrrrrr.

it's so bad im pimples-ridden and fats are growing all over.
and -sobs- im paling so fast i think i can be a vampire.

i need back that jelly spirit!
although work resumes right after exams. =(

but still, my jelly brains need a rest.
and i need to find back that smile of mine.
i love everyone!
woots!
i think i even love africans.
going to tour them now. for the first time.
sigh.

i need a shitload of miracles to happen on me.
but for now, i think i'll make do.

and i need a freaking good tan with exercise.
fuck.
my legs are deformed.
it's not that i don't wanna wear skirts.
it's cos' my legs are.....fugly.


HA.
i almost died this morning. slpt at 4am, woke at 7am. studied and fell asleep consequently on the sofa. revived when my mama came outta her room to prepare breakfast.

my com101 is soooooo fucking-dead.
my psycho is another piece of hantum-shit.
HAHAHAHA.
i did study, REALLY!
i tried my best.
oh wells, we'll see how the results turn out i guess.
pretty outta my control.
maybe i should start believing in some mystery religion...
hahahahah.

maybe all i need is you, you you!

i cannot wait for all that fun with all that people.
one day!
wait for me guys!!! =)

i miss you.

-----------------------------------

5:12am and abby and i are talking about panda sex...and dog sex....linking to someone VERY influential. HA.

i'm suffering from Axis II disorders. mental retardation.

and i am craving for freedom from words. my semester break is gonna be unbelievably SHORT. knn. forget it man.
i hope i can cramp some travelling in december amidst the chalets and birthdays.
and shopping. and christmas!

the painful irony.
HA.
if only people knew.


i do miss old days. so so so badly.

if only you could come whisk me away for breakfast.
lonely hearts.

and i could only feel the cold hard tiles beneath my feet.
shivering in the ghostly night;
seeking comfort from space;
finding paths from stars.
staring at an illuminated screen for momentraily solace and comfort.

i remember the day you said you love me,
then you broke me;
destroyed.
here you stand before your artwork.
in its full magnificence.

panic at home.

i see people with msn nicks signifying their mugging status, and i panic.

like A LOT.
A-FUCKING-LOT.

knn.

I CANNOT FREAKING GET ANYTHING INSIDE.

com101 is tmd hard to study in theory. fuckfuckfuck.

no mcq. i think i'm going to die.

and sleep is invading my brain.

keep awake teo jielin.
KEEP AWAKE!
even though you cannot tolerate studying at all, at least don't screw up your finals!
grrrrrrrrrrr.

try my best.
that's the least i can do.

i'm going to jump.

all's fine with buddies.

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come, you say your alright
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, all the time
Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will be right at all, salvation
Cause when you find out who you are too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, every little thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

Every little thing--Dishwalla
------

another introduction. dishwalla this time! i really like this style..soothes my frazied nerves. grrr.

=) and i've got a "jielin" song lah. amazed. LOL.

all's fine between buddies. i asked him for the truth. hmmmm. i believe his answer. maybe i shouldn't have doubted him in the first place? i don't know..never trust too much you know. -shrugs-

rumours. they'll kill. gossips too. sigh.

stay true to yourself, that's important. and i shouldn't have gotten so mad with him without clarifying. immediate reaction to hurt and betrayal?

ha. platonic friendship is possible man.

i'm clear what i want. and i want nothing more than this.

=)

it's a natural reflex to grin at the computer screen.

hornywood (all rights reserved).

This logo is designed by MY(anna see this!) beloved abby. HAHAHAHA.

we are official now man.

scheduled to start filming after the finals? woo hoo! *grins*

something happy.

so the rain was still pouring as usual.
it has become almost like a routine.
one or two in the afternoon,
the skies turn dark,
the clouds start frowning,
and the rains patter down hard onto the ground, the soils, the people.

but this time,
enclosed in the comforts of a sturdy shelter,
the air-conditioner seems angry,
huffing and puffing away,
freezing all our butts off.

amidst the chill,
i found warmth.
from the laughter and the talks,
the chatter and the banter,
the confiding and the teasing.

thankful i am,
more relaxed i am.

mindless fun is good for health.

and i'm still craving for icecream waffles.

and THE issue about YOU isn't so serious. maybe i should ignore the flying rumours and have more faith in you. maybe i should just ignore everything negative.

a temporary lapse in judgement on my part, and a gap in my heart that you momentarily fulfilled. but it was all wishful thinking on my part. i'm clear now, and thankful that nothing serious came out of it.

yea. and i've found new people to trust. =)
life, isn't that bad as we tend to make it out to be.

strangely therapuetic.

studying psychology is strangely therapeutic.


people suffering from nervous exhaustion were suffering from results of masturbation.

o.O???
--------
people become psychologically disturbed not because their parents sexually molested them, but because as children they wanted to have sex with their parents and couldn't.

ok..this is weird lah.
--------
The Oral stage(you start to realise that psychology consists of weird terms)

The infant derives intense psychosexual pleasure from stimulation of the mouth, particularly while sucking at the mother's breast. Someone fixtated at this stage continues to receive great pleasure from eating, drinking(hmmmmm...), and smoking and may also have lasting concerns with dependence and independence.
-------
The Anal Stage(how apt, the name)

They start to get psychosexual pleasure from stimulation of the sensations of bowel movements(?????!!!) A person fixated at this stage goes through life "holding things back"--being orderly, stingy, and stubborn--or less commonly, may go the extreme opposite and become messy and wasteful.

---------
id, ego and superego.

id--all our biological drives eg. sex and hunger.
ego--rational, decision-making aspect of the personality.
superego-memory of rules and prohibitions we learned from our parents and the rest of the society eg."nice boys and girls don't do that kind of thing."

i like this...

Sometimes, the id produces sexual or other motivations that the superego considers repugnant, thus evoking feelings of guilt.
--------

oh well. another nightmare, with YOU in it.

quite screwed up. but there were corny moments when i saw my result slip in the dream. how weird is that. it's like abs dreaming of sharmilah. HAHAHAHAH.



through the awkward postures of the tree branches;
the gently swaying leaves;
the wind whispering the day's secrets to us;
the busy humans on the streets;
nonchalance, almost mechanic.

through the broken shadows,
the sunset is flaky;
just like you and me.

loss=blessing.

it's because of people like you that make me lose my footing in life.
in myself.
you make me self-doubt.
whether i have again, misplaced this trust.
this time, i have, yet again.
i trusted, and i faced the consequences.

maybe i just cannot trust anyone anymore.
to know that you even THINK like that, disappoints me.
the fact that you SAY it out, breaks everything we had--trust, friendship.

it's over.
i tell lies because of my pride.
and keep my mouth close because i know things that can hurt people.
i tell lies to people.


maybe that's karma for it.

the biggest lie ever:

"are you ok?"
"i'm fine."

it's over.
buddies no more.

ghost in the snow.

when will i stop being an object of convenience?
an object of substitution?
i hate it.


call me tweet;
your ever convenient buddy and friend.

summer snow buried me alive.

jack of all trades, master of none.

tragedy? blessing?

the nightmares are back.
this time, you are not here to chase them away for me...
i must fight alone this time.

the dark monster eating me slowly.
feeling this cold even when it's Singapore.
winter in my heart.

the irony stays.

the funny thing i've realised is how crumpled and dog-earred my cse notes look.
YET, i haven't revised them AT ALL.
hah.

i hope the people i teach do reasonably well.
or at least those who copy my stuff lah.
or not i'll feel bad.

sigh.
fucking tired of studying.

grrrrr.

and i'm so jaded.
pinch me.


and leave me alone.
cos' don't do things that leave me hanging.
or break me further.

shades of grey and lies for pride.

i am a fool.
i feel like a fucking fool.
again.

i'm swearing off it.

at least for some time. so fucking pissed lah.


grrrrrr.


time for a new breathing space.
time for some isolation.
time for nonchalance.
time to bring back that ice queen.
time to become the person i hate.

but only this way, can i protect myself form hurt and pain.
i've been unguarded far too long.

it's time.

stagnating.

I'd chime in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Again.

I write sins, not tragedies.


because i see the fluster of activity around me,
and i look at myself.
alone.
stagnant.
something's wrong.
but i'm not attempting to change anything about it.
sometimes i just hate my laziness and lack of motivation.
i'd rather shut out everything, everyone around me.


i'm very worried those people i teach cse to might fail. =X
fear of teaching i guess.
sigh.
because someway or another, you become responsible for their results.
i keep wanting to quit my tuition job, but i need the money.
and i like the people there.
and it's so comforting to know that i can help students in their work.
but it's so tiring.

and i really want to venture into other jobs.
i need more experience everywhere.
stagnating annoys me as much as it comforts me.

tension of opposites.
again.

a huge cloud of shit hanging over me.

Complications, more so I can say
Promises and deadlines make it hard to stay away.
All these strings are attaching to me,
And I can't find the scissors.
Yeah
All I tell them "I'm back" and I'm not.
I can't remember where I was, I forgot.
Knitting it all, these holes that I need,
To crawl through a brick wall,
Is hard to say the least.

Where's that thought, that thought uncomplicated things?
Where's that peace of mind, that peace that made it easy?
Where's that simple day, that simply made it nice to be in.
Where did it go? where did it go? where did it go?
Yeah.

I got you a murky light, tell me what can you see?
A huge cloud of shit, hanging over me.
Can you blow it all somewhere else?
It's making it hell to distinguish myself.
Tired of the tyrants who only think they're all business.
Pissed with their patience, they constantly agree.
'yes sir, yes sir, three hundred bags full.'
It's easier to say yes than to say no to a fool.

Where's that thought, that thought uncomplicated things?
Where's that peace of mind, that peace that made it easy?
Where's that simple day, that simply made it nice to be in.
Where did it go? where did it go? where did it go?
Yeah.
Cover me in cyanide
Cover me in ink
Cover me in formaldehyde
And leave me here to think.
Cover me in carpet
Cover me in tile.
Cover me and evict me and put me in a file.

Strip me bare, don't let me breathe.
Strip me to my skin.
Strip me so you can watch me clean off,
All these things I've been.
Strip me naked of these walls
Strip me of all my rules
Strip me boy and see how small I am without you.

Inseminate the good now
Inseminate the pure
Inseminate all the shit that I've forgotten how to whore.
Inseminate the natural
Inseminate the dirt
Inseminate the ineffectual
And leave me here to love.

Leave me here to love

Imogen Heap--Leave me to love.


it's a good song if you're looking for an alternative kinda song. woots!

sigh. damn stressed. really.

taking steps one at a time. RELAX JIELIN. already pimple outbreak liao. knn. =(

sigh. finals. dreadful.


final decision: GIVE UP(not on studies lah. ON HIM. XXX).

and so.

the rain continues to beat down on the side walk.
splashing huge goblets of raindrops on me.
on the rough granite pavement.
on the people around me.
all ran for shelter.

rain.
i hate the rain.

and so, another day spent unproductively.
depressingly slow.
depressingly boring.

if only-


no one would know.

increasing relational skills

1) Self disclosure:

-by disclosing more of who you are, you are showing yourself more to your partner.
-it has to be appropriate to the person involved.
-BE AWARE OF THE EFFECTS OF SELF-DISCLOSURE.

---------

just something i just read while lazily studying com101. sigh. i'm so way behind in my studies, yet not feeling any motivation to buck up. this really sucks big time. i gotta get my ass down to studying.

=(

the withdrawal symptoms of addiction are bad.
it's even more fucked that he seemed not to have noticed my presence. grrrr.

addiction for addiction. i just need something else to indulge in this time.

because im tired of thinking so much. thinking of this, that, what, who, when, how.

it'll never work out.

unspoken words shall remain unspoken,
because an agreement is an agreement,
a promise is a promise,
a buddy is a buddy.
the line stays.

is it true-

..that you need an addiction in order to quit another addiction?

why do i always seem to step into mistakes over and over again.
i shall stop this before it becomes a bigger one.
i have to, dammit.

the painful heartbeat.

do you see why i refuse to meet your gaze,
even when you're just standing in front of me?
do you see how hard i try to hide all these,
because i'm going to get out of it.
a promise is a promise.
a line is a line.
but now,
everytime you stand before me,
everytime you look at me and grin,
or when you are simply annoying me,
i fear that you can hear the joyful beat of my heart,
like i can hear so clearly,
resounding in my eardrums.
i fear you can hear,
and see through all the lies,
before i get out of the inevitable.
the inevitable, must be resolved.


i'm gonna fail my last esl essay.
-curses and swears-

nonchalance is the key.

that's what ghost told me.
lol.

i am still in love with my black boots. geez. i guess that's how it feels when you "aim" for something damn long, then you finally get it. ULTRA WOOTS! *grins*

i feel like some superwoman in it. LOL.
no lah. i just like the feeling of it hugging my leg. very warm. especially on rainy days. sigh.

on cold rainy days, i just wish for a hot cup of milo with marshmellows in it. snuggle in my huge over-sized sweater and blow on the steaming cup of milo, until the lenses of my spectacles mists...

how many of us thrive for security, safety, answers to questions, hope, faith, love, need to love someone else, trust and attention.

there are so much more.
but on rainy days, it seems as if things are magnified. everything so sober.
everything so...gloomy.
but then again, it's how you see things isn't it?


"michael angelo is the turtle from ninja turtles what, no meh?"
"........."
"he is an artist lah."
o.O -paiseh-


"you are cultured and a girl who has a nice dress sense lah.."
"but cultured people don't go head-first into a car."
"Hahahahahah. but that's you mah. and it's cute. don't change it. cos' you are jielin, and be proud of it."



XXX:
think about one person that cares about you, that you're sure of.
XXX:
it helps.
XXX:
i'l fight for you lah YYY, i care. take it easy.
XXX:
goodnight.

i hope i can stop the inevitable.
because this is a really huge mistake i'm going to step into.
oh god, save me.
STOP ME.

timing is so god damn important and crucial.
wrong person, wrong time.
right person, wrong time.
wrong person, right time.
when will i find the RIGHT person, RIGHT time?

read carefully please.

i just need people to stop assuming things i write are about them.
just because i write different things from others, and just because i am more vocal about my thoughts HERE, doesn't mean i'm wrong.

and at least i know i don't bitch about people outside or gossip.

maybe i should just heck care what some people say. cos' like evelyn said: don't care what they say cos' they are not impt.

my own rule: if you don't know what's happening, then don't chup in and bother about other people's things. no offence. but it's like problems between a couple should be solved by themselves only. this is how problems are solved.

i know i didn't do anything wrong, and my previous entry was obviously very general except the last part when i said that im going to try my best to be nice to her still.

can't i just reflect in peace? is it wrong to reflect now also?
or maybe i should join in the trend of bitching about others in school.



joke of course.
i only bitch about myself.

go ahead and talk about me.


as long as i know i did no wrong.
it's just a whole shitload of misunderstandings and too many outsiders in the picture.

READ MY DISCLAIMER PLEASE.

and i did not slam ANYONE. so please stop assuming i have.
stop all this high school drama already.

every stride i take, people stare and critique.

Theres a voice in my head telling me why I should hate you, but I hate myself instead
Theres a pair of dead eyes in the mirror looking back at me
I guess its wrong to live life


Scars are tearing open along my palms and knees
I guess thats what I should get for crawling back at your feet
and now I'm feeling so down that theres no god above
and no mercy for a soul thats just way to fucked up


Theres a pain in my chest growing stronger with every heartbeat
now theres nothing left of me
but empty bottles of pills and bacardi
as I guess its wrong to live life


Leave me here, die
Leave me here, to die

Scars are tearing open along my palms and knees
I guess thats what I should get for crawling back at your feet
and now I'm feeling so down that theres no god above
and no mercy for a soul thats just way to fucked up

Alcohol and altar boys--bayside

good song. especially when you're feeling angsty and all. heh.

heard news of bitching ang gossiping again. sigh. sometimes, i just wished all these high school drama would stop. childish, immature and very unthoughtful. we always complain that others speak ill of us, yet do we realise that we too are speaking behind others' backs?
i never believed in gossiping viciously, or even back-stabbing. belief in karma lor. lol. but somehow, some people seem to SEE me as one who is mean and well...not nice.

why so judgemental? especially the biasness is uncalled for, and based on groundless "talking"? how well does one know that person? on what right do they judge people on?

in a relationship, or in cases whereby there wasn't one in the first place...both sides are to blame. there is no SINGLE PARTY AT WRONG(according to will). makes sense i guess...food for thought. heh.


why do onto others what you do not wish that others do onto you?


was late for school reached com101 in time to copy pointers for the finals. lol. super tired lah. could't wake up. woke up at 9am can. win already. sorry to luke for missing breakfast and all. =(

isolated myself after the lesson. things just seem so different when you are alone, without friends chatting around you, or company that protects you form this cruel cold little world.

but that isolation was short-lived. william came over and chatted to me for sometime. lol...he's a nice chap lah. as lame as me, yet serious when issues are meant to be. i guess...there's hurt in everyone...

it's only how much we hide it from the naked eye. how much pride each person has.

then he left, and koey and tomato came. lol. so they sat and talked to me also...koey lent me his lappy to watch episode 10 of prison break. nice. then he left for home. and tomato stayed on, studying cse.

and ghost came over inbetween..heh. the guys just started talking about studying together and swimming and shopping on friday. lol. i'm invited. but....TO SWIM? paiseh lah. *squirms* LOL. and speedo has been tested and tried by ghost--"doesn't stretch and go out of shape easily!"

tsktsk. male-bonding. =D

i guess what remedies school life is that of friends around us. i'm thankful for blessings from this certain higher power who always blesses me with nice friends. =) constants.

i guess when you're suey in a certain aspect of life, something else makes up for it. hahahah. and i must say my friends are all...ultra nice! =)


the talks with tomato and william made me think and reflect quite a bit. new perspectives help alot. especially when you are still discovering yourself, growing along the way.

"you are someone who thinks a lot..small things..you think. but that's you. very xi xin..."

"you need to learn to love yourself first. stop being so nice to everyone...Only when you learn to love yourself, then you can love others around you."

it scares me sometimes how strangers can understand me so well. and it scares me how palmistry is so accurate. just that remark, and i tore my hand away from his grasp.


who doesn't fear hurt?

but maybe like luke said, hurt depends on whether the people inflicting that on us means alot to us or not. if they mean no shit, then the pain related to the hurt should not be that serious. it's true isn't it?
i gotta learn from granny yeap--self esteem must be super high. don't care what others say about you. just let them talk. until them find nothing to talk about then they will stop.


hah. and somehow sarcasm in my face is not so nice. i never once said i was miss popular. and it is indeed cuttingly hurtful. sarcasm is fine. but accusations are not. even if things in my blog are targetted to certain people, why does it matter when names are not mentioned? people read my blog and always assume that the person/people i'm talking about is them. i wonder if my disclaimer is not clear enough for all to see.

names mentioned would be disatrous. but i avoid that. because this is an outlet for me to rant. it's much better than ranting and spreading vicious words about a certain person..wouldn't it?

i don't give my address to everyone. so if they happen to "chance" upon it, i cannot help it also.




on a slighter happier note, i DO love my new shoes. makes me happy when i see it. ha. shows that it doesn't need limited edition to get me high. LOL.

squeak, no worries. things are fine lah. i don't harbour any hard feelings, nor bear grudges against people. things past will be past. it's university already man. and like abs said, we are communication students, and therefore we should know how to communicate effectively!

lol. i guess i'll try doubly hard lah. i mean if people don't like me(based on her own views of me as a person), i gotta work harder to prove those views wrong right? sigh.

heartbreak hotel roomies provide solace.

and now I'm feeling so down that theres no god above
and no mercy for a soul thats just way to fucked up

sibeidulan.

checked into heartbreak hotel damn long.
i thought i was healing.
and then i had to go and read someone's blog and what he wrote.
then i sibeidulan all over again.



TELL ME LAH.
is the one who says the bad things ALWAYS the bad guy?
is the one who refuses to get a THIRD PARTY HURT the bad person?
tmd.
and what right does SHE have to say in who is right, or who is wrong.

i used to think that the phrase "birds of the same kind flock together" was bullshit.
now i agree.
THEY should flock together.

i believe in karma.
and it will go around to them.


what makes the world think i am not fucking hurting?
the only fucking huge difference is that i don't fucking show it or emo it to others.
god damn get your facts clear and open your freaking big eyes.


tmdknn.

i don't even want to talk about this, but i kept this inside me for DAMN-FUCKING-LONG.

i do fucking hurt. and i don't wanna hurt others along with me.
so if you think i should give that person a chance and then take advantage of him and use him, maybe i should do just that.
maybe i should make him end up like you.
maybe i should fucking jump into rebound and INFLICT PAIN ON OTHERS TO REDUCE MY OWN.

smart right?

i stated my stand fucking clear for fucking countless number of times. so i cannot help it if the message did not fucking get across.

tmd. do you know the entire story? DO YOU???

if you don't, then shut up and don't interfere.
because here i am trying to pick pieces of my life together and i tried being friendly to YOU. but of cos', you dao-ed me. forget it lor.

no loss anyway.


i just wanted to rant about my views. so ignore me.
i shall not go to THAT level by being mad at you.


cos' shopping rocks! though i'm poor all over again.
no income really sucks. but i need this break for myself.

and haoz is right. earning and spending your own money is better. cos' you know how to control yourself. and you no longer rely on your parents. heh.
it's tough. and it's damn tiring at times.
but i will do it.
independence.
pride.
ego.

will kill me.


i love my stuff though.
i know nainai loves her too.
hahahah. =)
girl, stay happy ok...
i guess things just don't turn out right at times.
and it's not your fault at all...
good thing was that you found out earlier than late, right? =)
love ya girl. *MUACKS*

and i'm so hot in the sneaker boots i want to pick myself up. (quote deva)
HAHAHAHAH.
going running tml morning with luke.

exercise is good.
i need definition too.
toning.


i need a new perspective.
i need a meaning in life to carry me through.
i lost my way, and i'm finding myself again.


thanks haoz for the call yesterday.
somehow, i found back some of the people who means so much to me. =)

sober.

i'm home and sober.
which is not common considering i went to shannas's house for bbq. lol.

but i'm proud of myself. abstinence indeed.
trying to clean up myself.
new perspective(according to abs).

and beside, i'm not that upset over anything.
so drinking to drown sorrows is outta the question.
plus i'm fucking tired.
came back from touring JAPAN and watching cherry blossoms fall gently with spring rains.
HAHAHA.
tmd, i better get at least a NINE/10 for this quiz lah. knn.

and my esl essay. fuck lah.
i'm like downgrading by one grade each essay. REALLY BAD.
yawn.

psycho is driving me nuts.
but i'm hoping for a mini break once everything is over.
then chiong-ing all the way for finals liao.

stress level up!

AT LEAST, i'm finally looking at more WORDS than NUMBERS. screwed up JC life almost drove me nuts.
HAHAHAHA.
sigh. but i think i have to take maths next sem. TMDKNNBCCB.
confirm die.

and i'm working hard for my gpa 3.7. HAHAHAHA.
work hard not equal to success.
luck baby luck.

looking forward to psycho meeting tml.
HEHEHEHE.
tmd, become more perverted lor.
retail therapy afterwards?


tired. no link. tired.

woots!

you know you're halfway gone when you assimilate your conversations with things you have learnt in school.

i thought i had gone mad when i talked about POSITIVE and NEGATIVE XXX to abs. and then about attaining satori. and cherry blossoms. and heartbreak hotel being in japan too. gone, nuts.

and then there's hel:

hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
idealism
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
that i do not dream of now
*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
lol
*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
blossom cherry
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
melacholic dream
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
i want the hear the sound of bambOO striking on the roof
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
to attain satori

nutties. tmdknn. too much liao. japan would be so much prettier without having tests about it. =(

falling cherry blossoms. gentle spring rains. frost-covered meadows. almost surreal, i'll say.

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
COME BABY COMEEE
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
HAHA
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
WHAT ARE U WAITING FOR?
hel: touring the eastern rimlands says:
you want the top or the bottom or what

-_-'''


really lah.

woots. i need some retail therapy.

and some satori. maybe i should zazen myself. or study the bushido. or be part of the minamoto yoritomo clan. woots!

tired tired. psycho project to do. -shakes head-

OPTIMISM!!!!

heartbreak hotel indeed.
roomies.
loves.
i need to forget the smell of lavender.
but how can i, when it's my favourite smell all along?

maybe i just need to EXTINCT that connection in between. yea man.
application.
LEVEL UP!


-not making sense-

we used to share the same sky.

we used to romantise ourselves,
saying that we are under the same cloud,
the same sky.
we are not too far apart this way,
you used to say.

then,
you told me to see the sunset,
because it was splendidly beautiful.
i wondered,
what if i no longer could see it.

see the same beauty you took it,
see the same world you are in.
i looked out of my window,
i saw nothing.

nothing out of ordinary.
no sunset.
no hues of red and orange.
nothing.

perhaps now,
we no longer share the same cloud.
we no longer share the same sky.

ekul.

because it's not supposed to happen.
but the inevitable happened.
that's why i'm feeling terrible now.

it wasn't supposed to be like that.
maybe i'm just seeking rebound in places i sought comfort from.
maybe i should just isolate myself.
i want no rebound.
i want no crushes.

all i want to be is your friend, your buddy.

maybe you shouldn't be so nice to me.

falling.

help me. someone.
thisiswrong.thisshouldnthavehappened.
butitstilldid.whatthefuckiswrongwithme?
stopitjielin.
itspossibletostopnow.

hope blinded us all;

Ideals are like stars: you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.


somehow, i always end up in the same shitty position. always the bad guy, hurting the opposite party.
but to hell with that. i have my reasons for doing so. and he'll thank me eventually.

even if the knot in my heart is untied...i doubt i'll ever dare to love again. for the next few years at least.

negative motivation? HA. fear to love. fear of hurt.
i'll just sit here and wait for my prince charming to plop down from the sky infront of me. NOT BIRD SHIT PLEASE. prince charming.

ha. but i really needa sort out what i really want. can i request for conflicting chracteristics in a guy? is it even possible? or must i compromise something for another?

dammit. i wish i'll stop being attracted to challenges.
i wish i'll stop falling for the wrong type of guys.
i wish i could be contented and love more easily.
why can't i bring myself to love people who love me first?



just like a hurt and bruised angel by the side walk; fallen.


i will pick myself up and walk again. because i'll never admit that i am weak, nor hurt--by you.
pride will kill me some day.


it's funny how everyone is not feeling exactly the best of moods recently. but it's comforting to see them keep trying to maintain that smile on their faces. not because they are fake, but because they refuse to let their sorrows drown the rest beside them; their friends.

because hope blinded us all;
rendered us helpless and speechless;
where only tears can tell tales;
and darkness envelopes us completely.

but like fallen angels-
they get stronger and braver.
time slips away,
pain heals wounds.
though scars remain;
but they only serve to remind us of the paradise that lays ahead.
angels-
will soar among the clouds again.
our hearts,
will be healed and prepared to love again.

so be brave,
have faith,
and courage,
believe in yourself,
fight hard.
somehow things will get better,
like how the rainbow shines after the thunderstorm.

smile guys!
=)



abs's right. i feel burnt and drained.
i hope i can last through this week at least. and not be exhausted. produce quality work still.
seems so hard.
so tired.
so sleepy.
struggling to stay awake.

and so many expectations to meet.
ALee is expecting me to get a A. tsktsk. but i heard him telling alot other pupils that, which only goes to mean that maybe he's trying to be encouraging and all that. tsk.

i'll go back to idealism then. dammit. what kind of fucking-hard-doesn't-make-sense paper is it anyway. GRRRRR.
glenda loves me. glenda loves me not.


and you just somehow manage to bring a smile to my face.
but it's so wrong.
all so wrong.

same.

I was a fool. I was a fool.
My regrets were too late too. I know that it can't be turned back.
I know that I can't see you too.
I was so wrong, I'm so sorry.
I didn't get to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools.

Don't be like that, think about it.
Think about what it took us to get here
Think about it again, you're going to regret it.
I was so wrong, I'm really sorry
I didn't get a chance to say then, instead I was just being rotten.
So I'm here now pleading for forgiveness with worry

I can't live a moment without you.
I still cry even no matter how I drink or if I cut my hair.

I'm a fool
Because of my pride I'm ruining myself with alcohol
and the bitter taste of cigarette smoke.
I cry my eyes out all day because I still love you
You and I, we both are like fools.

realy nice song with real nice lyrics.
things have been a certain degree of havoc-ness and extreme exhaustion. i'm still alive thought, and things have pretty much changed.

it was comforting to know that my absence online was noticed and my presence missed by several people. LOL. hahaha. well guys, i'm back!!! *grins*

tons of shitwork to do. i really need a superrrrr break after exams and all. sigh.

gossip kills. that's all i can say. and what goes around comes around. this is vicious. but i take comfort in knowing you'll get what you deserve too.

i don't like you, i won't tell you. i don't like you, i won't tell the entire freaking world i don't like you. i don't like you, i just slowly delete you outta my life, only contacting you when i NEED to. see, that's the difference.

and please, when i say something, i MEANT IT. so fucking stop hoping already. i'm so tired of having to fight mixed signals and misunderstandings.

damn dishwalla is good.

i did my first video yesterday. desperation of not being online lah. appearently, i feel quite proud of my artwork. not VERY pro, but decent enough. hehe. =) yay!!

i feel damn happy everytime i learn something new lah.

im outta here.

i miss the smell of lavender.

cse horror.

cse assignment terror.
sigh.

today meet up in school for com101 presentation dry-run was good. starting i couldnt remember my points at all, stuttered alot. panic! then got cue cards, better already. sigh. tmd, damn scared lah. really. i think psycho will auto freak me out. dunno how i can hide my stage fright so well. hopefully monday's presentation will be good. EXCELLENT! WONDERFUL! lol. okok, relax jielin. sigh.

hahaha. now i must announce that i most probably will not be online for this weekend cos' my internet connection is screwed up. SIAN. using alex's lappy now in school. woots! he is so nice lah. come from PASIR RIS. (better mention him abit, or not he will use reverse psychology to threaten dunwan let me use his lappy). HAHAHA.

sigh. addiction overruled!

help me. i really need to get out of this shit. because he already has, and i don't want to lose out in this quitting of the game.
sigh. I NEED TO END THIS. 0% addiction. i need to fucking do so asap.

since half the world knows already, i shall announce it then, saves me the trouble of repeating myself.

i'm single.
yea. that's all.


so yating, i just read your blog, lol, im not taken. sigh.

had a good long talk with meow, abs and hel in the LT after the other two left. it was rather heart-warming for me. as in..for a moment, i thought, yea man, finally we are opening up to each other. this is what friendship is about right? at least the building of one. self-disclosure. helping out one another. =) don't worry abs, things will be fine, time...and the courage to walk out of this vicious cycle. this tmd god damn cycle that is killing us.

omphs, come with a price.
next time wanna omph, better use operational definition. don't want things to get out of hand yea? heh.

i'm tired. i want to end this.
you gotta help me. everyone.
somehow, i'm glad for the busy school schedule. keeps me busy. keeps me tired. keeps me occupied. no lingering thoughts. only memories are triggered off. these must be put into the archive too. sigh.

i'm off. i need a fucking break STILL. and i wanna go overseas. miss travelling. miss my relaxing lifesytle. miss having money to spend. miss...everything good.

LEGGINGS VERY UGLY MEH?
tmd, if i ever see that girl again, i will kb more. today i mellow, don't want argue with you. grrrrr. but then again, her face too forgettable liao. HA. i'll nv remember her. tsk. forget it.

tweet got big big heart.

i remember what it feels like beside you.

I think you can do much better than me
after all the lies that I made you believe.
Guilt kicks in then I start to see
the edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be.

I told myself I won't miss you,
but I remember what it feels like beside you.

I really miss your hair in my face
and the way your innocence tastes,
and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.

While looking through your old box of notes,
I found those pictures I took that you were looking for.
If there's one memory I don't wanna lose -
that time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room.
I told myself I won't miss you,
but I remember what it feels like beside you.

The bed im laying in is getting colder,
wish you never would have said it's over,
and I can't pretend
I won't think about you when I'm older
'cuz we never really had our closure.
This can't be the end

and I think you should know this:
you deserve much better than me.

hinder, Better than me.


just some nice lyrics.

stiffening air, gasping for breath.

i've been told by someone that my blog is very dramatic and hypocritical.

hmmmm.
personally, i did not think it was.
an outlet of expression, that's all.

anyway, won't be updating anytime soon. crazily crammed week.

studying psychology at this point of time. FUCKING TIRED by eyes are closing. no time no time. arghhhh.

ugc reading and essay to be done.
cse assignments.

hurry up jielin!!


you know, i feel much better after the closure, just to give an update. no more depression or whatsoever. at least i know my direction quite clearly.

i've got so much to say, but i'll not risk it. people i don't like read these words of RUBBISH and then buey song me.

all's fine. coping with stress.
i just wished the teachers could stop piling us with so much work.
crazy semester indeed.

presentations to worry about.
dammit.

i miss those days.
but one insensitive word from you can ruin everything.
and remind me why i'm not with you.
remind me why i gave you up.
reminded me why you gave me up.
reminded me why we are not together.
reminded me how although the intensity we possess when together can work wonders, and at the same time create disasters for us.
how we hate each other's guts.
and this is so much like a love-hate relationship.
we don't want to care, but end up caring.
the irony of it all.

now mister XX, is this all dramatism and hypocritical stuff to you now?


neverending work, drowning me.
where is my life buoy?


and my fucking braces were tightened today.
hurts like a bitch.
not helping with an ulcer at the side of my lips.
the price i have to pay for beauty.

tmd tired.
i need a break.
where is it??????

car crash.

it's so funny, how he told me that i crossed the road without checking for oncoming cars.
how i almost got knocked down, but he called out to me in time to make me notice that car.


i didn't notice at all.
neither did it ruffle at feather of mine.
i couldn't fucking feel anything.


is this how it'll be like?
i want to feel other emotions.
enough of pain, enough of sadness, enough of resignment.
enough of anger at you, enough of the feeling os used.
enough of being suppressed.
enough of being that girl i always dreaded to become.


again, the tears took me by surprise. this time, it had an audience.
it just came. one drop, then the torrent.
i tried so hard...to hold it back.
but those words..resounded still, even when i told myself to ignore them.
why to be bothered over hurtful words, when he couldn't be bothered about the consequences of his actions and words.


i said fucking how many times DON'T FUCKING CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

what kind of screwed up logic is it to call someone just as she is falling asleep. then tell her all that hopeful stuff on your mind, things she wanted to hear.
run to the bathroom to vomit halfway.
then return to the phone only to tell her not to remember anything he just said, because it doesn't matter, or mean anything.
then hang up.

WHAT KINDA LOGIC IS THAT, YOU TELL ME???

i gave you another chance today morning.
redemption.
you failed.


it's over.
the one and only answer to that question bugging me for one week.
it's closure.
i need it so badly, desperately.


so i declare, the official road to healing.
no more hopes.
no more faith.
no more dreams.
it's over.
the car crashed.



the mistake, snowballed.
now, it's finally stopped rolling on and on.
after forever, the mistake ended.

i kept my promise till the end.


when two strong personalities come together, is cohesion possible?
or do we just need the opposites in characters of one another?



it's a break for now.
i'm....surprisingly exhausted.
because i never once stopped charging...
life's definitely been harsh.
but it'll get better-
that's what they all say.


luke's words: better late than never. at least be glad it happened now, instead of years down the road. you've learnt from this. remember the good times, and use those bad memories to keep you on track. when the pain comes, don't mistake it for regret. it's just a lapse of strength. good songs all come to an end. you simply have to wait for the next good song..whenever it comes.


what hurts the most,
is being so close..
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.
and loving you-
was all i've been trying to do.


but at some point or another, i have to stop. before i forgot what's it like to live without pain in my life.

flashing lights speeding.

she stood on the road divider-
in between two lanes of the main road.

cars whizzed by,
their engines roaring.
the gravel burning.
the lights flashing-
blinding her,
further.

how much more can she be blinded?

why, standing there, she actually enjoyed that sense of loneliness.
separation, isolationism.
untouchable.
danger and safety.

coexistance of opposites.

is it possible?
or mere temporary utopia?

what else binds them together?
do opposites attract opposites?



oh how i wish i could think less.
because apparently you don't give a fuck, do you?
i wish i could detect a hint of something within that conversation.
i couldn't.
were you hiding too?
a peaceful conversation.
so long, since the last.




so,
she wished she could stand there forever.
let the emotions just flow.
in opposite directions.
tugging her here, then there.
cars going north on her left,
and them gong south on the right.
moving, speeding;
too fast to notice that shadow on the raised divider.
insignificance.


erase?
retain?

where are you, when i need you?
always.

winter warmth.

u brought warmth in winter.
the unexpected, uncomprehended.
the surprise, or shock?
the thumping heart, the flashing lights.
the steadying of voice.
the shiver of fingers.
the words that were exchanged, the emotions held back.

all for my own good.

why would i want myself to be hurt again?

your words. expressed nothing short of positivity.
outsiders-
convinced i should give up already.
so why, do i still hold on that subtly?

i don't find this courage to love you anymore.
i find it close to stupidity. foolishness. ignorance. blindness.

if only you showed me more than nonchalance.
showed me more than the rest.


i'm like that muppet, controlled by its owner.
who is going to cut those strings for me?
the loyalty--misplaced?
willing? too much.


this conflict.
i wonder when it'll be resolved.
it IS taking a toll on me.

i wish things could just flow smoothly, that you could just do things the way i want them to happen. be the man i would love, and love me all your heart. that it'll be just another fairytale story.

but fairytales never exist.
so i guess this equates to IT never being able to happen.
HA.
who am i lying to, man.


living in self-deceit i feel.
hurting people around me in the process.
unknowingly, unintentionally.

i do things and say things to protect you. not now, but for the future. to minimise your hurt and your pain.
why not now, instead of dragging it on till it becomes too late.
i hope you understand.


anyway, celebration for KL was good. hahaha. though i didn't really know that group of friends, but it was nice to just hang out with friendly and noisy people. took my mind off things certainly. heh.
and times are mind cafe in the afternoon was entertainment filled. =) love those peeps man. heh. missed them hell much.

anyway, congrats to my 80 year old friend and chip! hehe. CHUNK AND CHIP are finally together!!! *grins* jiayou ya you two. and chip, you better take care of my darling chunk. placing her under your care liao..=) treat her well.

proves the accuracy of the curse between us yet again. sigh.
i guess this would mean i might have to be a nun already. ha.
you get the message right.
i just cannot seem to break this fucking dumb curse.
=(



lurking shadows.
ghosts of you and me.

it's summertime, and it's raining.

my entries seem to repeat themselves over and over again.
---

heard somethings today, not exactly pleasant, but not entirely something i should bother about either.
what's my reaction? my stand?

i cannot please the entire world, and if they choose to believe that of me, and choose to have the mindset that i am bad/influenced due to some people, then i really cannot change these mindsets. really.

i'm tired of trying to be nice and all, when all i get in return is ultra-bitchy behaviour. i will not return such behaviour because i think it's all high-school drama and immaturity. i'm sick of these thoughts of "we-are-supposed-to-be-one-group" kind of thing. there is no such thing as UNASSUMED ONENESS. and there is no such thing as EXCLUSIVENESS or EXCLUSION.
bullshit. no one is stopping them from having fun. no one is leaving them out of the fun. but having fun is about releasing all; forgoing all rigid thoughts and assumptions, and open up to new challenges and ideas.

are you able to do it? are you able to NOT judge so quickly? are you able NOT to gossip behind people's backs? are you able to see the bigger picture and step out from your constrained little world? are you able to open up to new people? people we've prolly never hung out with before?

life's about experimentation. life's about meeting new people, all walks of life, experiences, learning, emotions, fun, thrill, excitements. because we are only young once. study hard, play hard?

know how to phrase yourself well, express yourself appropriately, and you might actually have more friends.

because of the insecurity and fear of incurring more misunderstandings, i've given up trying to maintain a conversation. i've tried to keep my distance, less interaction=less conflicts, right?

i did not provoke you, but you had to do this. YOU JUST HAD TO. you, and you.

all this high school drama, just stop it already.



i'm not going to take action, because it's just a waste of time, and i've grown up.
i choose my friends, i choose who i want in my life. and if apparently we are not running on the same frequency...forget it.
why make everyone upset?


the voice in my heart, tell me i should hate you. but i hate myself instead.



the tears caught me unaware. warm, they trickled down.
the second occasion since sunday.
i tried to stop them from falling. those droplets of crystals.
the pain, all released as they fell, alongside the crystals.
then, as quickly as it came, it stopped.
but-
why is the pain still there?
when will to go away?
when will it stop torturing me?
why me?
does it even seek you?


how can i be surrounded by people who care, yet feel all alone when you dominate my mind.
how can i feel so contented one moment, then feel used and shittiness the next moment.
you-
make me feel...worthless.


so many questions, unanswered.
will remain answerless.
question-ful?
ha.


i just wish, that day will come when i can go by a day without a single thought of you. cos' the image of you, us, only bring the sense of loss. the sense of failed salvation. the feeling of insult, and unimportance.



trapped and bound.



escapism?


warm and saltish, they reminded me of my pain.
they reminded me of you.
what reminds you of me?
i am your past.
you are my present.
i don't want this to be my future.


lost, unguided; blinded.

courage to love? or plain stupidity?

------

thanks to alex and abby and hel for accompanying me on my lonely friday evening. got my black peas back.
=)
i'm sorry for the sudden change in moods...i guess i'll never be alright.
time...is all i need.
a lot of time.

until you stop lingering inside me.
until my heart stops yearning for you.
until my mind stops thinking of you.
until you become my past.
until it's summertime, and it doesn't rain no more.

somehow, just brainwash me.

because i feel like crumpling already.
i try so hard to be strong.
they say it gets easier.
i know it'll get easier.
but why can't i just skip this part?

it's so fucking hard not to think when you cannot seem to control your mind.

so i let it conquer me.
i collapsed.
inside and outside.
no longer shining bright.

i need a mask.
something that can allow me to hide better.
until this time passes.
until i heal.
because i fucking want to break down everytime you enter my world of thoughts.
and i have to hide it from people around me.
it's so hard.
and you're not making it easier.

i cannot stop wondering what you are thinking.
how much i mean to you even?
am i just another tragic rebound story?
was i all along another toy for you?
why is it so easy for you to say those words and give up?
why can't i do the same too?

somehow, it never pays to be nice.
i'm lagging behind in my revision.
i could have finished by now. but i didn't.
but who to blame.
i'm just too fucking weak sometimes.
cannot say no.
cannot refuse.
so here i am, the product of my cumulative mistakes.



you are the fist thing i think about in the morning.
and the last before i fall asleep.
when will this stop?
i want it to stop.
because i know it's not reciprocated.
i want to stop feeling used and wasted.


i just want to be happy.
how many more chopsticks do i have to break?

damn no link.

yesterday since like ages ago, i finally did crunches before falling asleep.

then very no link, i got awoken up(writhing in pain) due to a leg cramp. WTF!

cramp also should be in my abdominal area right????



wah biang. hahahah. nevermind.
healing is taking it's own sweet time.
but patience is the key, right?

i tried to ignore the familiarity.
the pain. i tried to ignore the nagging feeling.
breaking the habit is difficult.

but i must. because...you no longer love me.

it hurts. it really does. it's so much easier to pretend that nothing has happened. to always compromise. but are things supposed to be this way?

all good songs come to an end. maybe i'll just have to wait for another song to start playing..whereever it is.


type.
which?


i know how you cannot just stop pain from existing. similarly, you cannot just stop missing someone, or even thinking the teeniest wee bit about that someone. especially if that certain person means alot to you. sigh.

but it's life.
they all say time heals wounds.
i just gotta be strong, with support from friends too.

time better fucking heal mine.

or not give me better luck in such things.
HA.


i'm tweet.
-flaps wings-


somehow, everything felt good. felt right.
if only things could remain this way, or better yet, progress forward smoothly.

cse is so fucking tiring. kills me everytime to check javascript for mistakes. my eyes can reallyyyy pop out. tmd.

but at least i understand a wee bit. thankful actually. =)

now it's ugc test on friday along with reading quiz(WTF IS CAUSE AND EFFECT? GOT WAD KINDS? DIE LIAO.) and then my essay outline due on friday too. i hate thursdays and fridays. always no sleep one. sian.

go off liao.
music is my remedy.

i need you.
but maybe i don't.
just have to start being independent again.

when the sight of something that originally brings you happiness, actually gives rise to sadness, you know it's...gone.

without lifting a finger,

you are holding me back.
how is it possible?
i want to move on, i want to let go.
but it's just so difficult.

those old emotions won't just leave.
maybe they won't go.

i wonder how things could be different if it had worked out.
if the two of them had put in more effort TOGETHER.
if they had compromised more instead of being so strong-headed half the time.

and then i continue hoping.

he said r/s is about love-hate.

is it really this way?

i keep hoping the two of them will work things out.
because.

i want to write out all my thoughts..but people read, and somehow i don't want to let those people know.
even people whom i don't wish to read this.
it's so fucking irritating.
read nevermind. go "pass message" to others. tmd. get a life lah. your problem meh?

sigh. and i'm starting to detest you. REALLY.

it's so hard not to be prejudiced or have feelings of irritation against you.
because i didn't like you to begin with.
and acting cordial doesn't help. really.

maybe from now onwards, there is no need to.

whatever it is, just leave me alone ok? you. and you.
because it's time for some space and fresh air.
self discovery.



to whatever number foe, sure, i whine. but don't speak like you know me so well.
because you don't.


i'm thankful for the concern, but somethings, i think it's time i handle it alone.
pick up the momentum.
re-evaluate my priorities.

i want to hear what you have to say.
but...will we just end up fighting again?

have my emotions all along been one-sided?
i really dread to think.


bleakness is at its maximum.
and i'll try to keep on smiling.

decisions...so hard to make..

head over heart?
heart over head?

the haze is so bad, i can hardly see.


don't read too much into every line.
don't smile behind your screen and be happy because i'm not.
karma.
what goes around comes around.

JERK101

good morning, today prof JL will teach you how to be a super successful jerk in a relationship/post-relationship.

number one thing you should ALWAYS say in order to become an immediate fucker-face:

"since being in a relationship is so difficult, why not revert to being weekend partners?"



keyword guys, is WEEKEND PARTNERS.


confirm guarantee plus chop will get tmbknnbccb reaction from girls. either that or they'll bawl their fucking eyes out infront of you.


why is that so fucking offending?

cos' who the hell you think you are to degrade a girl like that? WHO?? shit from the sky, most prolly.

all you stopped short from saying is HOW MUCH PER HOUR AH?
you think i for what?
FOR RENT ISSIT?
WEEKEND RENT ME THEN WEEKDAYS RETURN TO WHERE YOU LOANED ME FROM LAH.
SO FUN LOR.
tmdknnb.

seriously, go get a life and eat some detergent.
maybe you'll learn to put your words properly, unless of cos' you wanna be an asshole and fucker-face.

guys, this is the way to be a jerk.
practical lab lesson is not in the curriculum though.
and if you are smart enough, DO NOT freaking attempt it.
unless you want to be like a particular #@$#$! in question.



i feel better already. my decision is almost clear. all i need to verify is that i can hold that cold-heartedness even when he comes back and try to cheat me back into that stinking traphole.

nothing, fuck nothing can give you that excuse to use those two words on me.
i did not piss you off. why must you hurt me then? when i already made my stand clear i'm giving the fucking way.
go to hell already.

shoot yourself to death.


i love myself more than you'd ever love me. at least i know when too much is too much.
you, fucker, are too much.
i choose who i want to belond in my life.
and you asshole, no space for you already.

so let me be. i need space.

i need fresh air.


i'm very glad for luke's help yesterday night.
he cheered me up tons, listened to my freaking long sob tale and well, gave mature encouragements and words of advice.
it's time to open my eyes. i used to close my eyes and count to ten. i hoped that by waiting..when i opened them finally, things will be better. all the bad things will be gone. but they never did.
i think it's time to face them in right on.




and the speed ride was desperately needed.
felt like he could read my mind.
left me to my own thoughts.
silence and yet music.
how she could be seeing things around her fly past, yet not be seeing at all.
to see and yet not see.
has she been blinded for too long?
that she doesn't know what's right or wrong?
what's to be and what not.

salvation.
burned her insides.
yet the peace within her was almost contradicting.


this is not about the release to find someone better.
it is the release, to start loving myself again.
and treat myelf better.
because at least, i don't degrade myself to become some loose girl who provides weekend entertainment for some loser.