without lifting a finger,

you are holding me back.
how is it possible?
i want to move on, i want to let go.
but it's just so difficult.

those old emotions won't just leave.
maybe they won't go.

i wonder how things could be different if it had worked out.
if the two of them had put in more effort TOGETHER.
if they had compromised more instead of being so strong-headed half the time.

and then i continue hoping.

he said r/s is about love-hate.

is it really this way?

i keep hoping the two of them will work things out.
because.

i want to write out all my thoughts..but people read, and somehow i don't want to let those people know.
even people whom i don't wish to read this.
it's so fucking irritating.
read nevermind. go "pass message" to others. tmd. get a life lah. your problem meh?

sigh. and i'm starting to detest you. REALLY.

it's so hard not to be prejudiced or have feelings of irritation against you.
because i didn't like you to begin with.
and acting cordial doesn't help. really.

maybe from now onwards, there is no need to.

whatever it is, just leave me alone ok? you. and you.
because it's time for some space and fresh air.
self discovery.



to whatever number foe, sure, i whine. but don't speak like you know me so well.
because you don't.


i'm thankful for the concern, but somethings, i think it's time i handle it alone.
pick up the momentum.
re-evaluate my priorities.

i want to hear what you have to say.
but...will we just end up fighting again?

have my emotions all along been one-sided?
i really dread to think.


bleakness is at its maximum.
and i'll try to keep on smiling.

decisions...so hard to make..

head over heart?
heart over head?

the haze is so bad, i can hardly see.


don't read too much into every line.
don't smile behind your screen and be happy because i'm not.
karma.
what goes around comes around.

JERK101

good morning, today prof JL will teach you how to be a super successful jerk in a relationship/post-relationship.

number one thing you should ALWAYS say in order to become an immediate fucker-face:

"since being in a relationship is so difficult, why not revert to being weekend partners?"



keyword guys, is WEEKEND PARTNERS.


confirm guarantee plus chop will get tmbknnbccb reaction from girls. either that or they'll bawl their fucking eyes out infront of you.


why is that so fucking offending?

cos' who the hell you think you are to degrade a girl like that? WHO?? shit from the sky, most prolly.

all you stopped short from saying is HOW MUCH PER HOUR AH?
you think i for what?
FOR RENT ISSIT?
WEEKEND RENT ME THEN WEEKDAYS RETURN TO WHERE YOU LOANED ME FROM LAH.
SO FUN LOR.
tmdknnb.

seriously, go get a life and eat some detergent.
maybe you'll learn to put your words properly, unless of cos' you wanna be an asshole and fucker-face.

guys, this is the way to be a jerk.
practical lab lesson is not in the curriculum though.
and if you are smart enough, DO NOT freaking attempt it.
unless you want to be like a particular #@$#$! in question.



i feel better already. my decision is almost clear. all i need to verify is that i can hold that cold-heartedness even when he comes back and try to cheat me back into that stinking traphole.

nothing, fuck nothing can give you that excuse to use those two words on me.
i did not piss you off. why must you hurt me then? when i already made my stand clear i'm giving the fucking way.
go to hell already.

shoot yourself to death.


i love myself more than you'd ever love me. at least i know when too much is too much.
you, fucker, are too much.
i choose who i want to belond in my life.
and you asshole, no space for you already.

so let me be. i need space.

i need fresh air.


i'm very glad for luke's help yesterday night.
he cheered me up tons, listened to my freaking long sob tale and well, gave mature encouragements and words of advice.
it's time to open my eyes. i used to close my eyes and count to ten. i hoped that by waiting..when i opened them finally, things will be better. all the bad things will be gone. but they never did.
i think it's time to face them in right on.




and the speed ride was desperately needed.
felt like he could read my mind.
left me to my own thoughts.
silence and yet music.
how she could be seeing things around her fly past, yet not be seeing at all.
to see and yet not see.
has she been blinded for too long?
that she doesn't know what's right or wrong?
what's to be and what not.

salvation.
burned her insides.
yet the peace within her was almost contradicting.


this is not about the release to find someone better.
it is the release, to start loving myself again.
and treat myelf better.
because at least, i don't degrade myself to become some loose girl who provides weekend entertainment for some loser.

hot hot heat.

TMDKNNBCCB.

one day, soon, i'll get out of this fucking stupid vicious cycle.
start rediscovering the world out there.
start realising i;m fucking hoping for nothing.

you don't respect me at all.
those two words jumped out at me like some fucking leopard.
go to hell eat your own shit screw yourself and die.
you are the most insensitiver fucker i've ever met.

blame it on my luck. it's always like that anyway.

it's no point being nice and compromising and willing to take a step back.

when the mentality is not the same on the other side..
tmd.

leave me alone already. for now.

i need to cool down.

don't speculate too much, readers you all.
i know you read. i know you all do.
tmd, i wanna vent and it's my business.
i don't need you to fucking tell the entire world or the party concerned about it.
go mind your own fucking business.


to all those who care, thanks a million. you know you guys mean god damn alot to me. thanks. =)

if this is karma, i wonder what did i do bad enough to deserve this.
it's like never-ending suffering.
yet i'm a willing party.
hahahahaha. i'm dumb.

heal me.

look what i've done.

[Jet - Look What You've Done]

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone



it's time for a remedy.
and i'm nervous as hell.
scared as hell.
what lies ahead.
uncertainty.
my emotions hanging on a thin thread again.
but first...

i need to think. what do i really want?
what does he want?
what about the future?
what about the present?
it's no longer personality differences.
it's priorities.
it's...us.
and our pride.

you never fail to make those crystals fall.

and i wonder why the fuck do i still hold on.

i need answers to all my questions..not just "see how things go lor.."

it doesnt work this way anymore.
so fucking tired of arguing with you, and you.
because it leads no where, if no one gives way.

you just make me feel more and more pissed with every word you say.

if you miss me then fucking say you miss me.

why even say "but i just won't admit that i miss you." and make me feel like a fool who ALWAYS falls into one-sided relationships.

you said you'll treat me better. you said you'll make me happy.
so i waited. waited to see what you'll do.
you did nothing.
but i still wait, and hope.

i keep hoping things will turn out the way i wish them to.
but they just never.

BUT i still wait and hope.
tell me, why the fuck do i still hold on?





you make me feel pain, thsi sharp momentary thing. this emotion that makes hatred arise within me. everytime you make those crystals fall, you make me hate myself even more.
because i start to question, why must i always end up feeling like this? why am i so stupid?
why do i allow myself to be manipulated? or lied to?
why the fuck am i so guillible?
to believe every word you say when you tell lies to me.

why the fuck do i still let you make me cry, even though i tried telling myself countless times you will not make me cry anymore.
it just doesn't work.
hoping and waiting doesn't work anymore..
so what will?


imagine the hurt i feel when i realised everything you told me that day was a lie. how fucked up i felt.
so is this how you work things out?




i'm so tired.
and then you come bomb me.
you, with all your issues about colour, and slammed me down again and again.
what the fuck is your problem?

at least it is resolved now. at least i made you understand.
but those words you said, those accusations you made,
can they really be forgotten just like that?

how you called me a bitch. a friend calling me a bitch to hurt me.
how you said my chinese roots were "bloody".
how you assumed i was like any other minority chinese who thinks we are superior over other races.
how you said i was sucking up to him.
how you said i was insensitive.

fuck you. you bring me down. you slam me with hurtful words.
and i actually fucking took it all in.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i fucking accepted you, forgiven you, and actually agreed to still be friends with you. after all that hurt u inflicted on me.
what the hell is wrong with my brain.



sometimes, being passive really sucks.
i'm so tired..because i never try to please everyone in the world. all i do, is to try make my friends smile and laugh when they see me. to enjoy my company. to want to have my company. because all i want is to be your friend.

maybe i'm here to take all the shit people push to me.
maybe because of my personality i just take in the shit willingly.


i'm realy tired.
like alex said last night..

"you are like a rubber band. everyone is like a rubber band. but yours..is close to snapping already.."

i don't know why i'll feel this way...
when i know i DO have friends who care for me..
thanks prawn, you really made me feel much better..i appreciate it loads..
thanks to ghost, alex, sam, god.
thanks to those who were concerned about me, and actually tried to make me feel better.
no thanks to those who just keep trying to put me down, and make me hate myself.


i should know better.
yet, perhaps i just wish to be blinded.
sometimes, as they all say, ignorance is bliss.





-snap-


and the effects are starting to roll out..

S stands for screwed up and Saturdays.

but it's ok now. relatively.
it's so difficult sometimes.

when you start to realise maybe you've done more wrong than right,
hurt more than console,
or created more displeasure and sadness than happiness.

then you question yourself: are you a worthy friend? a human being?

because i cannot please the entire world. because i am not perfect. and i don't expect things out of people, i assume that others do the same thing. but i forget almost everytime, it's not the case. i do hurt, because i thought everyone doesn't care. i am insensitive, because i thought no reaction=ok with what i do and say.

maybe i hurt the minority. because people who click naturally with me are people who have the same frequency. we don't get hurt easily. we don't get bothered by words thrown carelessly around. because we KNOW, that most of the times, we don't mean it.

like how i always tease grey, and him making fun of me. it's natural. but we never mean it viciously. it's for fun. we know we are friends, because of this ability to make fun of each other, and yet NOT be angry with each other.

acceptance.

ability to make fun of each other.

the relaxed laid-back cannot be bothered attitudes.


but maybe because of this, we tend to offend and insult more unknowingly.

somethings gotta change. slowly, with time, i guess.


i've been hurt by words. but these wounds will heal. it's been worse. but at least i know there's peace. and i'll try my best to maintain it.

it's me. compromise, tolerance, acceptance.

i take almost all the shit. sure, i do complain, but i forgive just as easily.

i may appear like i haven't forgave you, but i did. because i just cannot be bothered to waste my emotions getting all caught up and twisted. emotions, when in turmoil, drain me like mad.

i'm tired. but i will fight on. life's not easy. i'm a chinese and life is never easy, girl, you gotta understand.

mindsets are hard to change, but possible to be altered, if the bearer allows it.
miscommunications are inevitable, but solvable, only if both parties are willing to reach a compromise.



tuition was terrible. i fucking dread it now. doing for money really sucks. slave to money. i need to find something i have passion for, or not life's pretty dull.


nothing's gonna get me down for long. and i've finally completed com101 objectivity. everyone cheer!

hahah. oh wells. late nights are taking a toil on my health. very bad.
but i still try my best to retain that smile/grin on my face. or do unknowing stupid facial expressions or actions tt make people laugh at me.but i like being the source of happiness, or at least momentary relieve from worried frowns and stress of my friends. i am happy when i see them smile and laugh.

they make school life good. i look forward to school because of friends. because i don't have a frigging cca now. hahaha. cannot afford it, unless i drop tuition classes.


i keep hoping life will slow down for me.
but it doesnt appear to be so.
i guess i gotta catch up then.

take me for a spin.
a speed ride.
let me feel like i'm free in the wind.
let me feel free.
let me fly.
let me escape in the speed.

you do not see the hidden me.
so i try to live up to expectations.
try to be the "me" i am known as.
try to prove unpleasant "me-s" i am known for.
is life revolving around this?
is this how it works?

i need answers.
who will give me them?
stop the questions.
stop coming closer.

self-disclosure is the sign of friendship.

orgasmic cream puffs.

those chocolate cream puffs from RITZ really sent me straight to heaven, along with alex and abs. HAHAHAHA. the art of eating it is to place the ENTIRE puff into your mouth and bite down slowly.

*oooshhh*

the chocolate filling spills out through the cracks and oozes into your mouth.
sweet delicacy.
yums.
orgasmic indeed.
I WANT MORE!!!
-grins-


thanks alex again for giving me the puffs. hehe. abs, you damn lucky i always share goodness with you one! =D

you better share with me if you got quality GOODS hor. =D but (insert name of lokcok) brand i dunwan.



i happy happy. cos' early morning went school, rachael told me that my art pieces were very nice! =D HAPPY AH(insert melodious cantonese tone)!~ hahaha. but. sigh, they again reminded me of the grass i'll have to eat from now on.

and i finally showed glenda the much hyped-about sneakers. lol. she was like "WAHHHH!" when i showed her the base of the shoe. HAHAHAHAHA. seriously. i think she's very havoc lah, open-minded mostly. nice lah. but really bad liao. i think she assumes abby and me are BIMBOS. wtf.

-raises paper with "WTF" drawn on it(inside joke)-


hahahha.

"you two girls! better stop giggling! ABBY!!!"
-i was convulsing in laughter-

thank god she didn't say my name. LOL. but i think our class participation marks sure very good liao. though participate in wrong way. HAHAHAHA.

"you are only eating this*points to my packet of 4 fishballs and 1 siew mai* for your lunch??"
"ya lah. no money after buying my shoes. -sad face-"
"no lah. this is how she gets her figure mah!"
"where got figure sia! anyhow say.."
"i'm serious leh! alot girls want your body.."
"liar lah. crazy, my body not good, why would people want it?"
"no lah..bluff you for what? you know i hate you one(guess who said this?-grins-), why would i want to bluff you for."
"....."


"blahblahblah....cos' they said you open up faster and more to them mah, so easier to mix with you..but apprently i don't lah.."
"REALLY MEH, jielin? i think you open up alot to US leh!"
"sure or not??? *eyes big big*"
"ya lor. confirm."
-_-



tomato was really nice to send us to far east plaza! =) so koey, abs, me, grey and sam squeezed up onto his car. HAHAHA. not very squeezy lah, but very funny. had alot hilarious conversations throughout.
and i realised speaking in code is very safe. =D

"eh sam, you got gf right?!"
"no lah! who say one?"
"ashton lor!"
"WAH LAU! WHERE YOU HEAR FROM ONE ASHTON????"
"you told me one mah, no meh?!"
-the rest on the car goes "ORH HORRRRRR!!! SAM!!!!"-
"no!!! really don't have!!!"

HAHAHAH. it's damn funny lah. like have you ever seen a flustered ghost before? =D



so 5 of us were wandering around far east shopping and window shopping. then i got freaking hungry and demanded my dinner. abs and koey went home for theirs, so me ghost and grey settled at some place to eat our dinner. full liao, going to explode liao, then continued shopping.

bought an over-sized long sleeve tee shirt. men's size M lah. smallest already. but i liked the design and colour so much, so heck care! HAHAHA. baggy lor. i'll just wear something not so baggy for bottoms, should be ok ba.

then the guys started shopping. it's interesting cos' i think gving them constructive comments on their chocie of dressing and purchase really helps them. LOL. not like i'm a fashion expert, but at least i give honest opinions. trust me on that. ugly i will say ugly one. =p

account screaming for help again. need to continue eating grass. =(

my feet is hurting. i have tons of unfinished work. sleep never seems to be enough. and i still have tuition to give. tmd.

sian ji pua.

i want money to fall from the sky.

omphhhhh.

"i'm your cuckoo bird."

i miss my black peas. =( today popped by the nail palour to try my luck at getting an express manicure. they told me i had to wait 40 minutes for my turn. wtf. 40 minutes very EXPRESS meh. kns, so i left lah.

egg tarts made my day! woots! *grins*
thanks alex(can see your name here? you always complain don't have your name..)


heh. the ESL ppt thingy was damn unproductive. somehow i felt more like stoning than actually doing work. tsk myself.

cam-whored during PSY lecture. and granny yeap is still very PMS-y. =X but the presentations were good lah! -impressed- i'm getting quite worried already. SIGH.


meet mr. UGLY. hahaha. so ugly he makes people smile. cheer up my friends! =) (ps: mr UGLY is a product of jielin's boredom during psy)


realised when i get emo, i write better. very random comment i know.


HAH. and he calls me his "cuckoo bird".
obviously, if you don't think dirty, it's an expression for damn blur and idiotic. hahaha. BUT, that is if you don't think dirty. TSK! -slaps you for thinking otherwise-

and i'm nainai's DODO. wah seh. win liao. i think i've evolved to become some sort of bird species. HAHAHAHA.

sad lah.

but i very happy also. *grins*



i realised i don't like to talk to people with dulan face. very turn off leh. smile a bit like will die. tsk.



very random picture taken during ESL. HAHAHAHA. i look like mad woman, but if you happen to look past my ugly face, you might actually notice a godlike figure behind me. LOL. the god of presentation! woots! =)



and isn't this picture gorgeous? the colour and the contrast. main subject of course would be my leg and the henna. way overdue i know. but very lazy to upload from phone to computer lah. hahaha.

gin and tonic.

was terribly stinky.
but the taste i savoured.

you opened the car door for me,
and i was super stunned.

you gave me a gift,
and i was speechless.

you made me all delirious,
then you brought me down.


sometimes, it's just better not to have any expectations at all. this way, you wouldn't face disappointment in your life.


i actually miss thsoe old constants in my life. before school semester began. before my life was throw into a washing machine.
i miss them.

things will never be the same again.
it's time i move on and learn to handle things on my own. it's time i start acting my age and deal with problems instead of running away.


i glanced down at the puddle by my feet.
there was a reflection.
a reflection of me, or at least i thought so.
but she was crying, and her eyes were void of emotions.
who is she?

waves of pain and backwashes.

as your song play in the speakers, i start to rethink my actions.
many may call me cruel, heartless, insensitive, selfish even.
there are reasons behind my actions, as bitchy as they seem.
maybe i've learnt long ago being too nice has no advantages, because people just seem to enjoy the pursuit of exploit.
so yea, nice people do in a way finish last.

when it comes to matters of the heart, relationships and interpersonal relationships, i find myself thrown into a pool of turmoil. it never seems worth it to ponder over these small glitches in relationships. the pain and confusion i feel is often one-sided.

in a way, maybe i've picked up the habit of ignoring things around me. taking most things with a pinch of salt, shrugging them off as if i don't give a damn. it's difficult to make me pissed off, and harder to make me hate you.

nonchalance--i call that.

as i walked in the rain today after school. the raindrops were small, but as they hit down on my head, my back, my arms, my shoes, the impact seems maginified. i walked slowly, ironic of course, considering it was pouring madly. people ran to shelters beside me.


ever heard how people always say?
standing in the rain, no one can see the tears you shed.

how apt. inside, i was bleeding. the pain was like waves and waves of seawater. it was...momentary.
the hate i felt for myself resurfaced.
it was gone so long.
then it came back.


these emo portions of life, i wished i could skip, but yet i knew they were valuable learning lessons. but then on closer inspection, what have i learnt? to hate myself? to draw clear boundaries? to make me seem like an asshole because of my own beliefs and perceptions to a matter?

i don't avoid. i think it's hurtful that you do that.
i guess you have your reasons, so what can i do? continue being the same lor.

the double-click theory no longer works.
so be it.


i'm tired. of acting like i am not affected even when the skies seem to be filled with thunderstorm clouds. of pushing things that DO matter to me to one corner of my heart, making it seem almost habitual to not bother so much. but i have to continue.

those walls around me are only present when around people whom i've not yet learnt to trust completely.
it's not that i do not wish to, but just that i'm not one who initiates it sometimes. often, i feel judged and exposed around (insert appropriate names). but i've learnt to shrug it off. like i don't care, when i do, do, do.

i CAN see the bigger picture. but i simply refuse to do so.
what's the whole point?
if i am stupid, then let me remain stupid.
the person i end up hurting most anyway, is gonna be me.
you're going to forget me and move on.
i'm going to be your past.
and people seldom like their past.
nice "past-s" are called memories.


maybe i should take all these and treat it like any other thing. shelve it, ignore it, forget it. seems easier. yet...

my actions, either way will cause pain. i'm the sinner. so just let me feel the pain myself, and maybe i might feel better. maybe i might hate myself less.

i didn't ask for these. i really didn't. somehow, it was like a vicious cycle. one after another. again and again. and i really didn't know how to handle it right. i'm mean, i'm awful, i'm an asshole.

all i asked for all along was to be accepted.

"sometimes i end up hating myself.."
"for what? for being too nice??"
"yea. it makes people misunderstand. i end up leading people on without knowing. and i end up hurting them. like the sinner."
"but it's not your fault what. you are nice, and you cannot stop being nice just because a few screwed up people mis-read your actions or words.."
"maybe..it just sucks being too nice lah.."

i cannot be smiling always. the sky is dark, the rain is still pouring, and grounds are wet. everything seems bleak, like my mood. lost and irrational.

and when hunger takes over, irritation and annoyance sets in.

must slim down. must save money. must.
but oh, the discomfort and the frequent pain i face.
is it worth it? is it necessary.

i crave cream puffs and eye tarts.
i crave for a hot steaming bowl of tomyum soup.
just like i crave hiding under my blanket.
crying myself to sleep.

"the night allows us to emerge as our true selves. the day just seems to expose us too much, and we often hide behind guards and protections. no one is genuine in the day. the night..makes us show our hidden, maybe evil self."
"i've always liked the nights."
"yea, me too."
----

the night was young, adrenalin was pumping in my blood, and i loved the thrill factor of my actions.

"why do you trust me so much?"
"er..why? am i not supposed to?"

you must understand. it's not as if i'm in love with him. it's not as if i'm serious about him. he's just the perfect crush. everyone has one. and i just wanna be friends with him.

it's just weird. when you thought you've bonded, but yet have not.

all that laughter, stories shared, secrets exchanged..were it nothing?

please do not misunderstand all my gushing for head-over-heels-cannot-make-it-liao-liking for him. there is a huge difference.

like a little girl and her father, you held my hand, led me along gently.
then you released my hand.
and i was all alone, again.
all fucking alone, trying not to cry in the darkness.
you do not see the most vulnerable side of me.
because i hide.
and everyone breaks me apart.

nervous wreck.

you make me anticipate.

and i feel like i'm over-reacting.
i don't wanna over-react.
it seems too over already.

hahah. i must calm down, don't think so much, jielin! it will not do you good.

you let emotions run ahead your brains!
tskkk.

just a normal friend. normalllll.

somehow i fear it when i'm nice to a certain someone, and that certain someone mistakes it for actions that show my "liking" towards him. i mean, sure, i DO like him, but as a friend. as a brother. as someone i can click with. it's different i guess.

i fear misunderstandings.
because the opportunity costs are too high.

i gotta stop letting my mind play games on me.
stop making myself over paranoid.

because he is just a friend.
goodness, who do you think you are?
some supermodel who can make people fall at your feet?
daydreaming again, jielin!
hahah.

oh wells.
i'm not omphing for it hor.


my days are super fucking packed.
i really wanna sleeeeep.
sigh.

and my eyes are half-closed.

because i had tuition in the unearthly hours of 9am at boon lay. tmd tired.
but lucky it was maths, so at least my brain was working.
so from 8am to 3pm, was basically tuition time.

then it was raining and i got pissed off cos' my sneakers got wet and i was cursing under my breath as i hopped from one spot to another--avoid puddles lah.

met shen in town for movie! silk! not bad lah, i'm quite impressed with it. enjoyed it.
then was dinner. and time flew by. =(

sigh. time is never enough lah. sibeisian.

but tonight! *gasp*
*GRINS*
happy happy. cannot wait.


but i'm really damn tired now. YAWNS. off to watch clips for com101. sigh. desperate situation.

im riding high. addicted.

you make me high.
bring me up in the skies.
u make me addicted to you. so badly.
and i'm hiding my excitement and anticipation.

because you're the perfect crush.

and i see you from afar.
but from the first day i knew you,
you radiate. you shone.

as i got to know you better,
you, me, us, them.
i omphed for your friendship.

i think the omph just plopped from the sky. HAHAHA.

omfg. seriously.


you just opened your mouth and asked.
and my heart fluttered and skipped a beat.
that moment.
magically ugc.

hehe.

but, i only omphed for your friendship. shall not ask for much. because i know temptation is too great. and you are the perfect crush indeed. friendship is too important than anything else. life's good. you're good. school's good.

good. minus the o.

i shall learn to breathe.
cos' ignorance is bliss.

and i shall continue to ahhhh over you.
cos' it's a natural reaction.



and i cannot believe i'm high without alcohol. abs, i think i know how you feel. HAHAHAHA.


but, fuck it. stomach flu. cannot stop lausai-ing. sian.

nothing will bring me down from high.

limo.

me: i want chauffeur. must be limo also.
him:

_/[ ] [ ] [ ]\_
-O-------O- like that? 3 doors on each side. 6 doors total. can, princess?

me: WAH! so cute! hahahah. doors not enough. i want more.
him: like how many on one side my dear princess?
him:
_/[ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]\__
-O-------------O- like this? a red coloured limo would be striking.



lol. amusing. but i really think the limo darn cute!
today's break in btw com101 and cse111 was terrible. read abit of com notes. then rotted at benches and talked abit with zw and the others. then wenta students lounge, where the entertainment lies. lol. laughed quite a bit. missed good company somehow.

and now i'm sitting here thinking about the missed opportunity for alcohol and good ol' company. sigh. but i'll survive. DRINK LESS! LESS FATS, JIELIN! hahahaha.
ok, trying to comfort myself can! grrr.

tml's a public holiday and i feel sad thinking about having to give tuition from 9am to 3pm. REALLY SAD. sigh. at least i'm going out afterwards, will feel less sad. but still very sad.
seriously, there comes a point whereby you know life sucks because you are a salve to money. yet i cannot live without it. that's the only income i have to support myself. TMD. and my pa reported two consecutive months of bills explosion. oh god. and i have 1000 plus minutes of incoming call. omfg. i wonder where all came from. HAHAHAHA.

okkk. i'm deliriously happy now. HAHAHA.
shhhh. woots! yippie!
but.....

god oh god. how can i hide this insane rush of blood to my face. how can i avoid being overly enthusiastic? *grins*

life's a bitch. but life's a blessing at some points. =)

dicky.

"today i told my friends about GREY. none of them liked it lor!"
"really meh? i thought it's quite nice lah.."
"next time u name your son lah."
"cannot ah. (insert name) wants elias leh. tmd nan ting can!"
"aiyo...then u insist on like DICKY or something!"
"TMD!"
"girl leh? what should you call your daughter? hmmm..."
"TMD! u better don't say anymore har!"
"okok, i think of it then i'll tell you next time."

knn really. GREY! u watch out. HAHAHAHA.

"then you name yours NB lah!"
"don't want lor. i like unique names. like ROMEO and ALEXANDRLALLO"
"WTF!"



seriously. sometimes these kinda jackings are so hilarious i cannot stop grinning.


and someone is definitely NOT a maharaja. LOL.



and the perfect crush is so ultra sweet. i cannot take it man. i'm gonna wear his glass slippers for me tml. HAHAHAHA.
im gonna omph for his friendship! =D
hush.


i've been told my blog is too emo and too chim to understand sometimes. so i shall simplify it. HAHA. but somethings, are better left unsaid eh? =)

you are missed.

vampires cannot hurt you. so come befriend me. i'll show you the pain and immortality. then you can show me the sunlight and pleasures.

and because i have you.

thankful for certain people yesterday being present.
they certainly helped bring me UP instead of unconsciously making me feel like shit.

i officially shall declare that i will not let others continue to make me feel so lousy anymore. it's too tiring.
i know you've succeeded in making me feel lowdown and unworthy, but it will be the last instance. never ever.


so leave me alone, all these people unworthy of knowing. you don't know me well enough, neither i do you.

so i'm a bitch, and i like it this way.

you being out the ugliest in me.



but i shall reside in his arms, and be happy for what i have. =)

thanks to sam(not ghost), sam(the ghost), god for making me smile when i thought i no longer could work those muscles. =)

those small unintentional efforts just mean so much.

intoxication.

i drink because of you.
and i fucking hate to drink now.
i'm gonna avoid alcohol for some time.
because the bitterness makes me wanna cry, every sip, every gulp.

even the spinning of the world doesn't help.

so tired.


everyone's intoxicated.



"every chopsticks u break is always the same wish..sooo cant god just get the msg across to him.."

if only god knew.


MY god blessed me. HAHAHA. somehow, a simple message from him can really cheer me up. it's nothing special really, just his natural charm oozing out and his care for me. very brotherly. nice. =) and it helps that we share the same taste in music.


i need to START my fucking com101 objectivity report. sigh.


stop criticising me. i know what i did was wrong. i know it will not happen again. just..let me be lah. if i wanna degrade myself, then let me indulge in the degradation.

oh fuck. i cannot think anymore.

leave me alone.

it's ok by me, it's ok by me. it was a long time ago..


maybe by the time the stars re-emerge from behind the clouds, i'll be fine.


because i cannot feel anymore. i forgot how pain felt. you immuned me.

sneakers as my glass slippers.

and i found my prince charming--the perfect crush.
yes abs, i found mine too.

unattainable he is. not that i'm omphing for it!
LOL. too much trouble already..
gods and mortals don't mix.


"you are the kind of girl people wanna protect ba.."

it's so funny how i don't see myself the way people see me.
how people can see portions of my personality and character i cannot envision.
how they tell me stuff about myself that sound pleasant, but shocking at the same time.
how different people see me in different light.
how drastic is the difference in perceptions about me.

i guess..maybe because i act differently towards different people.
grey's correct afterall.
but i cannot help it. i play different roles among different groups of people.
behave differently with different people.
the contrast in behaviours is largely based on the fact whether you are close enough to me to see the side of me i often hide from most.
which is why, most see me superficially. look behind those smiles and grins, and you might discover some hurt and insecurity.

i believe most people are like that.
like how the most confident people have small nitty insecurities.
or how the happiest people have the saddest secrets.
like how people say clowns are sad beings, behind their hand-painted smiles..



i've got sneakers as my glass slippers. transformation will take place soon.
oh, how i try to hide the "ahhhhhs" from him when i speak to him.
he is so swoon-worthy. charming indeed. *grins*


mass conversing on msn last night(or is it early this morning) was hilarious. damn it, i forgot to save the conversation. really couldnt make me stop laughing. HAHAH! but today early morning ugc made us damn seh. yawns. fucking tired and sleepy. tuition again tml. SIGH.

okkk. got back my ugc. its a mortally-kinda marks compared to those divine beings around me. tmd! it's hard not to feel knnzibei can!
*double sigh*

and i officially declare that i HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DID NOT STUDY BUT FUCKING STUDIED LIKE MAD COWS AT HOME/IN THE LIBRARY OR WHAT NOT.

dumbass closet muggers. study then say you got study lah. tmdqs really. i mean, not like i can qie with you guys in terms of studying time. i definitely have not enough time, let alone sleep. forget it. it's a weekend and i'm happy.


god is fair.
he gave me less brains, but blessed me with great friends!
HAHAHA.
ok lame, i know. i mean what can i expect from big-act-cute-eyes and huge-elephant-like ears. no offence to anyone. mysteriosity indeed. but still, i do believe in the existence of say...a higher-being. and he is fair. at least...i'm trying to believe so.
abs famous "things happen for a reason" does apply in this case. HA.
so well, as jaded as i feel about things right now, i still have emotions of euphoria. and no, i'm not high on drugs or alcohol.


the point here is im thankful for the people i've met in SIM. i shall not give names here, but yea, no lists of thank you-s yet. but i hope these are the people i can rely on in times of need. really important to me. cos' i'll rather have a small but closely knit group of friends, rather than know the entire school, but none would give a damn even if you die.
kinda extreme illustration. but anywayyyy, my illustrative essay sucks lah. tmd. 36/50 can. knn really. pulled my results down a fucking whole lot.


i shall not even start with ugc whereby i got a miraculous full marks for short answers and essay, then smartly FLUNKED my mcq section, which was 50% of the whole paper. thanks lah. like a freaking 25 questions and i got 11 wrong. wah, i'm damn smart.


i've gotta understand guys and their idealogies and mindsets more. i hardly know what's going on in the brains of most guys, hence the misunderstandings and misread signals. sigh. very bad.

"i'm just another common girl lah.."
"maybe? or you're just a little bit more cute..and a little bit more special..."


i've reached a point, when giving is not in my dictionary. so i 'll rather be selfish for a teeny weeny bit and take. yea, it actually feels good to ignore and push away nagging thoughts, and just be...there. jaded, is the word.

and then the ideal. number 2. temptations must be curbed, for they bring along misery.


"what language did the people back in Byzantine era spoke?
"English."
-_-'''


spurts of anger and hurt expressed in words, just another temporary outlet. this place, once a solace, is now visited by many. words are censored, people are given names to hide identity. and yea, there is no such thing as unspoken agreement. it just doesn't exist. cos' unless it is agreed initially by both parties, if not there will be occurences of hurt and disappointment.


when you sin, and you actually feel good about it. it's just wrong, but then again, there is no right or wrong. only fulfil your personal desire and wants.


i've been craving for prata for damn long. haaha.


"next time you piggyback me lah, then you know what's fat!"
"don't want lah, you want me to die is it?"
"won't die lah, at most become pancake."
"wah, then i'll end up eating myself. i love pancakes!"



and someone almost made me lose my memory today!


i hate climbing out of bed every morning. and my alarm clock doesn't work(it does, maybe. i just never hear it. or i switch it off and go back to sleep).

because i love you, that's why it's hurting so badly.

you wrench my heart apart.
and it's not that i don't want to see you.
but seeing you pains me more,
and makes me feel like i'm that girl standing on the sidewalk without an umbrella on a rainy day.
watching people go past her with big brollies.
some stopped to offer her shelter.
but she refused politely, told them to leave her alone...
i'm like her.
my world seems to be raining permanently these days.
i may seem all shiny and cheery on the outside, but who really sees my pain?
who sees what i hide?
you.
which is why i don't want to see you, cos' you see through me so easily.
see my weakness and hurt.
see how you manage to manipulate me.
see how you manage to hurt me so bad, i don't even know if i'll recover.
or trust.
or learn to be smarter.
because i love you,
i don't want to see you.
why, am i here subjecting myself to these, when i don't even know whether this pain is similar on your side?
i'm such a joke.
seriously, just...




tell me.
tell me what's in your heart. tell me what's beyond your ego and selfishness.
i want to be happy.
just to be happy.
every chopstick i break, every wish i make, it's the same old one.
to be happy.

but it fucking never comes true.

what did you wish for all along?

it's almost 4am, and tears aren't supposed to be there.

so i'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen. inside, i'm screaming for help. all the help i can get. i want so desperately to call...too call for people i know can comfort me. but at such an unearthly hour, why rope people into your own suffering?

i don't want to end up treating anyone like a spare tyre.
cos' it's just plain unfair.

yet...the tears. i told myself not to shed them anymore, not for you. not again.
they fall once more.
and i feel life ebb out of me slowly.
feel every ounce of energy and dignity i have left fall from me, as i press "disconnect" on the phone button.
why put on that constant guard and mask, hiding my hurt and anger and helplessness? you know how i feel.


if you could lie to make me happy, then just fucking lie.
but i need the answers and the truth so badly.
i curse and swear under my breath. not at you, but ironically, at me.
i hate myself, almost immediately, realising how once again i've fallen into the trap. the trap of loving somone, who seemingly...is ready to give me up anytime.

i'm so fucking tired.
give me a break, again.


decisions, are so hard to make.
i would run and hide to avoid making one.

it's so painful to say words to hurt you on purpose.
so why do i say it still?
so that i may seem stronger than you?
but you know..you know you've got the upper hand.
i'm just nothing, but a pawn to you.
nothing...

you say words that contradict.
what are your priorities?
why do you make me feel like a fool?
feeling happy one second, then the next, telling me something unpleasant, and then what? am i supposed to be all carefree and say.."sure, let's just do it your way. i'm fine."?
because...my happiness is so dependent on you.

how i recall now the hairdresser auntie told me--never depend on guys for your happiness. they leave as and when they want to. but women are often victims of these tragedies. we dug the grave with our own bare hands.

when can i step out of the grave MYSELF?
or will you need to help me?
or will i just let you bury me, till one day, i no longer breath, no longer live, all alone.
this time, regret will be too late.

skip, skip, skip.
how many more times will i have to skip?

what is right and what is wrong?

what is present and what is future?
is present, short-term happiness more meaningful? or long term happiness?
can both be attained?


why the hell am i so fucking dependent on you?
dependent on you for answers and my future.


i see no end. i see no purpose.
i see myself as a temporary object, there to provide for you when you most need it. then, discard me when you no longer require me. i am a burden to you, am i not?

the rollercoaster ride i've been taking since i met you, never stopped, no time-outs, no breaks.
the trails seem to be getting more and more worn.

i miss you like mad. i want to see you.
but you frustrate me. i hate losing my temper, yet you seem to be one of the few who make me so lost and irritated--at MYSELF.
i don't want to see you..until you at least know what the hell is going through your mind. till i know where i stand. how long will i stand there.

selfishness. something i wish to cultivate in myself, seems so hard to implant.
yet..forever prevalent in you.
hurting me.

pain..is there to make sure you're alive right?
pain..accompanied by emotions of feeling cheated, delusioned, and..feeling like a fool who based her happiness on imaginary events that weren't constant for the other party.
how long...have i lied and blinded myself?

i want to step out of this so badly.
step out of it and never look back in regret or pain.
never step in again.

yet another part of me cannot bring that offending foot forward.
cannot seem to let go.
cannot seem to stop wavering.
cannot stop going towards you.

fuck life.
fuck myself.
i just have a way to getting into situations that are fucking tmd undesirable.
i'll just let pain engulf me for the time-being, and pretend to the world that i'm ok.

when i'm not fucking ok.

zamzam.

ESL killed me. outline only. and i can foresee my screwed up grade for comparison and contrast essay. just submited my thesis to glenda for approval AGAIN. she better say it's ultra good or something..cos' i'm so frigging tired.

ESL and UGC essays due on friday. i'm reading UGC now. hopefully can complete most of the questions by tonight, cos' i'll be needing tml for ESL essay. fucking pissed with school timetable.

randomness rules my brain. clouding my judgement. making me jaded all over again.

mid terms results are mostly known already, all except UGC. screwed up quite abit. but i shall take comfort in knowing that the percentages of most are not very large. i still have HOPE. yes, living on hope seems to be my permanent occupation. HAHAHAHA. fuck. is this self denial or comforting myself?

sigh. shall update on my midterms when i get back my UGC next week. terrible. don't let me fail, please. omphhhhhhhh.

johnny walker is walking towards me.
chivas is shivering.

dots.

hahaha.
ghost's very own Q&A.

i miss having fun and slacking.

my motto: Do everything with your best effort and do it well, or not just screw it up real bad. don't end up in the middle.

i'm in the middle.


come zamzam with me, cos' i relish the taste again. sins taste and feel so good.

marshmellow love.

happiness worn on my face and feet. HAHAHA. $150 of each precious step. *grins*

art piece lah. must take care. yawns...


freaking tired. macs breakfast was good though. =) going to grow fatter liao. sian. better eat less. everyday got chocs to eat not good ah. jielin will balloon like mad.



HAHAHAHA. i'm floating on cloud nine. FREAK.
darn darn happy to hear his voice.

*GRINS*

everything just seems so much better already. =)


i miss him.




com101 shocked me. but i think i'm going to screw up my presentation and objectivity report. screw it. haven't even started on my objectivity report.



i'm really tired. screw it. esl essay beckons.



why is it so hard to decide?
i know what i want. yet it conflicts.

i should just stay. because staying is right. and feels right.



fuck lah. i need a crystal ball that can tell the future...i hate uncertainty.
it's not fun anymore.

chuck taylors.

ARTPIECE.

MUAHAHAHAHA.

damn freaking nice. but very very expensive.
but, limited edition lah, nevermind. =)
japan edition. yays.

*GRINSSS*


happiness.


today woke up at 2pm plus. LOL. i'm a pig. then went met monz, chip, ming and kok at vivocity. got my sneakers! YAY. hahaha, hao lian to them. =D but felt like i was floating in the air. tsktsk. it better lah, need to eat bread liao.

poor me. sigh. money money fall from the sky please!

went karaoke at chinatown 10bucks ktv. hahaha. freaking cheap. but first time went there to HEAR pple sing. quite sian. but nvm lah..kinda in my own little world also..i've realised that sometimes, leaning on someone's shoulder can actually feel really good. *sigh*




my heart still skips a beat when i see you.
it's so fucking wrong.
but i really...
you really...
make me wonder whether i had made my life an entire mistake...
the moment i met him.


i want gold coloured shoelaces.

it takes silence to make sounds.

i've been zombified.

slept a mere 4 hours last night before heading for tuition marathon today. luckily most of the kids are gone from class due to examinations. if not the army of yelling kids i'll have to handle would just kill me on the spot.

*grimace*

but i get the immense satisfaction from seeing their smiles, and hearing that "hello miss teo!" cheery call whenever they see me in the corridors. very heart-warming.

skipped tgif outing! really sorry guys..but too much to do already. and i'm only halfway done. shit. SIGH.

at least i went thru' the cse quiz stuff for monday. finally printed the pile of com101 notes from the student portal and attempted to copy notes from her powerpoint. at lecture 11 only. heading to 12 tomorrow. i just don't understand why she cannot give us proper notes. WTF.


*kicks sharmilah and her white bag*


my eyes are closing as i type this.

jelly-fied.


and i keep awaiting your arrival back on shore.
somehow, i cannot hide and run anymore.
i'm waiting...


i'm in love with the unearthly beings. and the prawn.
we are the offerings.
somehow, it balances out--the yin and yang.
HAHAHAH.


going out with monz, chip and prolly the rest of RBG tml! YAYITY!

gonna have to complete some work before that though.

might be getting my.......LIMITED EDITION SNEAKERS! woahhhs. but freaking expensive. scary. =(
so tempting though. it rocks lah, super super hyperventilate-material.






i know i've been pretty messed up lately. thanks for all the concern shown. it's greatly comforting and appreciated. but i just want to ignore everything for the time being. ignore and ignore.

sigh. it'll all come back sooner or later. but i need to recuperate lah. damn tired.

i should be stopping tuition at the centre from next month onwards. school holidays. poor me.



superficiality dominates everyday life. don't condemn him as being shallow, cos' you are too.

have i been nothing but a pawn to you?

see the bigger picture, you tell me.
how am i supposed to?
are you sure i'm just staying because it's my comfort zone?
or maybe it's because i'm just not sure about anything i do now.
therefore, rather than make a wrong move and lose everything, why not just stay stagnent and try not to think?
it's so easy not to hink. it's so difficult when you have to think, and come to a decision.
don't ask me to do that, cos' i'll ending up wanting none.


who am i to you, really?
physical comfort?
companionship?
nothing?


what are my plans for the future?
do i even have a future?
with you?


i'm so tired of speculations and temptations.
it's so easy to just skip everything and fast forward, so easy to skip the difficult times and take all the comforts that are offered to me.
who wouldn't want a life whereby you are taken care of like a princess, nothing to worry about, only about having too much?

it's tempting. but against my morals.
yet, is it an echoing thought from you? i don't know what do you think or feel. i don't know how genuine are you. i'm gullible? i'm naive? i've been tricked, been cheated. i'll never learn, though i always thought i had. would you leave me one day too? would you leave me all alone?

till then, it'll be too late.
all the good things i've missed.
the good people i've skipped.


i cannot regret. i never will. dignity and pride stays. i'll never admit the loss. you all will never know. but inside i'll suffer in silence. tell myself: i don't deserve the best, never will, and i brought it upon myself.

skip.
i've done so many times. it's a vicious cycle.
skip.
then i'll jump back to square one.


i need confirmation, truth, honesty, release.

i need to know all these, because i want to move on in life. stagnant i remain, imagining the non-existent.

don't brainwash me. cos' i'm suffering from fatigue. i'm struggling to retain my patience and tolerance.
don't make me lose it don't make me a bitch.

things happen for a reason, right?


maybe it's just easier to tell myself you are the best i deserve, and ignore all that comes along.

or maybe i can just fuck it, and pick the best among the lot, like picking the shiniest, reddest apple amongst a basket of harvest.

just like other girls do.



just fuck it. so easy.

but somehow, my heart tells me otherwise. all i need, is confirmation from you, and i'll stay by your side.
if not, just release me.
i'm not to be controlled, though i am.
checkmate.

my eyes tell lies.

fucking tired.
late for UGC. stoned throughout the lesson.
lesson end, went down to first storey with nainai. walked her to her bus stop then went back and sat down at one of the benches to stone. the rest went to do their ESL project and my group members all in bed, not that it matters cos' we finished ours.




edit.


screw everything.
if anything can get more fucked up than this, i'll be surprised.
fucking fucked up.


you know abs, suddenly i wish i were you. free and easy.

and you start to think too much.

cos' when things don't seem to matter anymore; when you feel like you've lost everything u can lose; when you feel like it's just gonna get shittier and you cannot do anything about it.

i cannot stop thinking somehow.

the underlying reasons behind the things i do.

why then, do i even try?

try so hard, and still lose what matters most to me.
try so hard, and still never will be as lucky as the rest.
maybe when i don't try at all, they'll fall in place. because it seems like that's what's happening.
i don't try, they come falling to my feet. i just have to pick them up.
yet, the more i try, the more efforts...they seem to be thrown far away..by an invisible force.

i'm so tired of picking myself up. because people see and think i'm a strong and independent soul. yet i have my weak times. and i struggle, like any other normal girl. i struggle cos' life just isn't as easy as others.

but don't worry, i'll just let the rain fall down on me...get drenched.
i'll stand there, and wait till the rainbow appears across the sky.


but what if it rains in the night?
the rainbow will never appear.
i'll never find my answers.

dudettes.

i will not abandon anyone. i will not leave anyone alone.

trust me ok? believe in me.

i'm not that kinda person.

world peace!
i love you guys, loads!

=)

nainai, u should know how i feel now. don't cry no more. *hugs* you know i love you, and all i'm asking for is your understanding. cheers!

i wanna do some serious shoppingggggg!!

*screams*
and the tag board is kinda screwed up. wonder why.

and i think some foes are still watching me. tsk. i don't want foes. where are the friends??

et cetera

i've been wanting to blog for sometime, but never really got down to doing it. being online seems almost a luxury, and even when i am, i'm hardly at the computer, or free enough to blog and crap.

recent events have rendered me speechless and utterly at a loss. i feel like shit, and i don't like to feel like shit. i'm so fucking tired of everything. i need a time out.

LOOK,

did i change? who are you to judge that i've changed? i've stated my stand over and over again that i never did believed in first impressions, and these years in my life has proven me wrong, when it comes to first impressions. impressions do change, and in what right are we, or you, to judge people whom you have no idea about?

i get really pissed thinking about it, because although i'm forcing myself to understand your point of view and trying my best to accomodate your change in moods when you freaking don't wanna tell me anything even when i asked, i cannot understand. simple as that.

i've tried, and im getting more frustrated, if not more jaded about your feelings.

it's not that i don't care anymore, it's just that i CANNOT care if you don't fucking tell me what's going on in your mind.

similarly, i cannot change my perceptions and mindsets when i've gotten to know that bunch of people whom i used to think were hooligans and useless bums. but they are not. they altered my perspective. they altered my first impressions of them. i do not know them VERY well, but i do not see the detrimental effects of their behaviour. at least in my eyes, they don't seem that destructive, or useless.

i am open-minded. and im NOT easily influenced.
sure, i do get cheated time and time again. but at least i TRY my fucking BEST to understand others first before judging them and stereotyping them as "XX type" and persistently refuse to see the bigger picture.

i know i screw up my life pretty much. and it's alot to screw it up more. i can continue create havoc, savaging the pieces i leave behind. i can continue fucking myself, upsetting the entire order it's supposed to be in. it's my choice. and i've not made any, but i'm quite sure i will not fuck it up too badly.



i don't know whether my judgements are right or wrong. i don't know ever whether the friends i make are good ones or bad ones. i am not close to them, so why should you guys be afraid?

you say i'm naive. i have no reply to that.
i'm so tired of all these politics.

just come up to my face and tell me how you feel. i am not going to guess anymore.

i like having fun. so is it a sin to have fun? i can take care of myself. tuesday night was a mistake. just another lesson learnt: don't go drinking if you're fucking tired AND hungry at the same time.


i drink for a reason. i don't drink to get drunk. and it was my first time vomitting anyway. fuck that.

i feel torn in between, and i do not mind that you guys are woried for me. i appreciate the kind intentions and concern. i appreciate, really do. i hope i know what i am doing, for you cannot ask me to not associate with them entirely. it's just not fair.

there has to be a compromise reached. there has to be something we can do.

i feel conflicted.
i am a nice person, but i also want to have fun and wild moments.
it seems like i almost cannot do both at the same time. either way, i'll be torn. either way, someone ends up disliking me.

i hate to make such decisions, because unless you fuck me up real bad, i'm a friend of everyone. i may seem all sacarstic and idiotic making fun of you, but i would never do that to you if i don't feel comfortable with you. the truth is, only my real friends who know me well know that. i like to be friends with everyone; enjoy going around school and being able to smile at people i meet at corridors, or stop to ask them about their day, or ask for updates on their life. because i care. i may look like i don't give a god damn shit about you, but i care. so unless you keep pushing me away, i'll be there. the decision lies in you, to pull me closer or to keep me at a distance.



i'm just feeling so PISSED off. seriously.

whoever who said that fucking "doormat" thing to that certain someone on purpose, that bitch will get it from me. nothing better to do issit? HAR? must come create politics in between people lah! friends leh! tmd.



and look, i'm not fucking doing whatever i am doing to get "popular". screw that. i never believed in such things. i actually ENJOY hanging out with certain people. and i choose my own company right? studying is alright, but i need a break sometimes. just gimme a god damn one ok? i'm not a nerd, never will be, and studying is NEVER my life. i've got more to that.


i am a nice person, so don't make me a bitch.

i find it so hard to believe what you say because you have no evidence.


true, i cannot fucking take care of myself. and i'm sorry i've imposed on you, but there's nothing much i can do about it. you not liking them doesn't mean i have to NOT like them also right? it's going against my own belief system. so what am i supposed to do? i cannot make someone who is so strict to her own beliefs accept someone else who is willing to be friends with her. one party has to give way. this will only spiral out of control.


i'm so tired of decoding what everyone has encoded for me. different perspectives, different opinions.

am i ruining myself? am i? HAVE I REALLY CHANGED? i don't see where i have.
i'm just showing another side of me i don't usually show.
maybe it's against my good nice little girl image, but hey, everyone has their inhibitions.

don't bullshit and say you are entirely nice. even greek gods are not.


see, the point is, i know there are people concerned about me, and i'm hoping i know what i am doing.
maybe just this once, i want to be selfish. perhaps someone someway will end up hating me, but at least i tried. i gave myself a chance to see what i want.

i will not lose out at all. so stop worrying.
all i'll lose at the end of it, might be just another person being ultra nice to me.
that's all i'll miss. beacuse no one ever did what he did for me.
just take things slow and easy.
life's a bitch.


and i've got to come up with more codes. abby, better synchronise ourselves eh? HA.
tinman. red shell? joss sticks?

blah.


lighter note: tml's esl presentation. we bluffed deva and gui that it is a formal ppt, so "forced" them to dress up in shirts and well..jeans lah. fine. lol, both ab and i going to be in office wear too! funny! kinda looking forward to it.

it's friends like these that keep me going.

mid terms gonna suck. results gonna suck. time to buck up and concentrate. i may not be as hardworking as you, but at least i try. balance work, life, friends, love.


timeout.

semi-colon.

the haze sucks.
i'm falling sick.


he's gone to brunei and i'm missing him a hell lot.


there is tons of ugc to study and i need to start soon.


it's here finally, and the pain is worth it.
at least i know i'm normal again.


so many things have happened recently, and again, i'm struggling to adapt.
but i can live lah.


i'm someone's ehhh...."mei".
yea, i didn't ask. he volunteered, and since he's relatively nice, so..ok lor.
no strings attached anyway.
just feels werid if people treat me nicer than normal.


yawn.


somehow, i think i've found the reason behind my procrastinating.
my heart skipped a beat when i saw you.
it was involuntary, it was wrong.
it felt like deja vu.
like how i knew you in my past life.
but it's all wrong, nothing continues.
i've made a decision, and you've made yours finally.
it's a new chapter, steps into a new phase.


it's time, to move on.



my usb wire doesn't want to recognise my phone, so the tribal henna picture cannot be posted up. later maybe.


ten days. in between, please come date me after wednesday. =)
i miss everyone.
i miss you monz, chip, RBG, and the rest.
i miss shopping, sleeping, relaxing.
i miss having money.
i'm so fucking poor.
i need to start a savings plan..

sigh.


so sing me songs and make me melt.
i'm bad at interpretation, but i'm glad for the company.

liao zhai.

WTF. meow that auntie watches LIAO ZHAI lah. HAHAHAH.
super hilarious.


tml's ESL mid terms. sian sian. EDITING, CONNECTORS, READING AND ESSAY. all in two hours. i'm so gonna die. going to be brain dead by then lah. =(

today staying in school after PSY to "mug" abit turned out to be a rather amusing time. hahaha. laughed alot.

xian tong xue.
tian zhu ren.
ku lao shi.
suan zhong cai.

HAHAHA. retarded.

seriously. we have nothing better to do lah.
then sit inbetween abs and grey ge very sian i tell you. everytime they talk i must bend infront or lean back. can become their TABLE somemore. win liao. =(
and they freak me out. study study study halfway will give a LAUGH. i'm serious! super random! hahaha.

got a super huge henna painted on the side of my right leg. chio. abby rocks! thanks girl! hahahah. i still owe you a NICE testimonial. *grins* mooncake!

lantern festival's almost here! no celebrations. i miss sparklers and all that. sigh. make a wish.

it's not going to be easy getting a god damn gpa of 3.7. *sigh* kinda demoralised. gotta work harder i guess. *double sigh*


i wonder what kinda impression i give to people.
*ponders*

lost my brain.

thinking back, how i think i lost part of my cognitive thinking today.

*frowns*

it's damn bad. studying CSE really conked me out. slept at freaking 4am cos' i couldn't finish studying, and i still didn't finish studying, and i think i'm going to do badly. SIGH. good lucks to me. FUCKKKKKK.

common expression recently. =(

then i couldn't process thoughts on my mind. reacted damn slowly. made quite a few mistakes. even ab says "cannot follow jielin today" liao. hahahah.

i'm going for a jog laters. long lost exercise. i'm a fat pig, officially.

flattered by certain remarks about me today, but still in self-doubt.
touched by encouragements from people.
happy from jokes by people.


(random)

so what am i to you?
what you are to someone may not be what you are to others.

it's so hard to understand.

the level of self-disclosure you should offer, and be assured that it'll be reciprocated. or be just left feeling like a fool, standing alone.

how can you possibly feel so lonely, even when you're surrounded by people?

shoulder to shoulder, yet strangers.

two words exchanged, so does that make us friends?


i gave up coffee and cigarettes,
i hate to say, it hasn't helped me yet.
i thought my problems would just disappear,
and all my pain would be in yesterday.
i poured by booze all down the kitchen drain,
and watched my bad habits get flushed away.
i thought that would keep my head on straight.
and all my pain would be in yesterday.

but it's true,
i'm still blue.
but i finally know what to do.

i must quit,
i must quit...you.

i thought that if i didn't go and play,
this sadness would get bored and go away,
i thought that if i didn't go astray,
then all my pain would be in yesterday.

i sold my guitar and my piano,
i thought that it was these that kept me low.
i thought if only i could try and change,
then all my pain would be in yesterday.

i must quit,
i must quit...you.

the nightmare is only half gone.

just some pictures to show you guys. i'm back! at least for the time being. being away from the computer and internet has been torturous, but for the benefit of me. tsk. the mid terms are half gone, nightmare also half gone.

part of meow, and THE GIRL WHO CALLED ME A BIMBO.

hel. the brain, the nainai.

abby.(or ABY. HAHAHA) the cool one. ompher.

NOW, my dears, this is CLASSIC. seriously. hahahah, i couldnt stop laughing after i took this picture and looked at it. it's not only the character in it, but the interesting background. speculations. *grins* in summary, very inglam lah. but that's meow i guess, genuinely unglam and real.

it was all tken during UGC lecture anyway.

results going to die liao. i think my GPA of 3.7 is virtually impossible. then again, it's only mid terms. and there are countless projects to settle, which takes up ridiculously large percentage. (self-comforting) revision of the modules i'm taking now has definitely been a less torturous process than in JC. maybe because i have interest in most topics(other than cse). the handling of new information is both refreshing and scary.

learnt so many things about communication which i didn't used to know. it was all very enlightening. pity the com101 teacher kenna revolted against. hahah.

watched bridget jones's diary today in class. part of it anyway. media and gender. our current topic. interesting. get to watch movies, but must analyse! =(

i'm left with ESL and UGC for now. terrible. then it's projects galore.


school has been good so far. i'm serious. =) somehow...i can't seem to find someone whom i can truly tell my problems to and stuff. it's just wierd. you know, the feeling of mixing with all. but none heartfelt depth. takes time i guess. i'm just distributing my troubles. hahah.

misinterpretations?