205 out.

damn spoil. sigh.
this sem, if i still don't drop out of the DL, i should be praying to some higher powers.

but who can i blame? last minute work certainly doesn't work wonders.
-shrugs-

tuitioning for entire day. then going out for dinner to celebrate my mother's mother's birthday. my wai po lah.

i feel constipated now.
gee. i'm always so full of shit.

am i being too materialistic? simply because the rest of the world is? am i missing something? am i missing something more important?
i feel like some _____ just whizzed past my head and i have no frigging idea.
it's like that tennis ball which zipped past my head by mere inches at the playground.
or that toy car which almost smashed onto my head from stories above had i walked faster.
or that motorbike which could have run me over and left me bedridden for life.
or that subaru.

escaping death and injury.
does this mean something?
how many more times can i run lucky?

perhaps my guardian angel has been working hard.
perhaps he/she feels that i'm still not ready.
maybe i really am not.

i think that i know what i want.
i feel that i will get there somehow.
but how sure can i be?
be real.

i need help.
i need a crystal ball.

ahhh, songs.
flows through my veins.

eek wrinkles! hahahah joking lahhh. it's smiley lines. =D

apparently she thinks sticking tongue out is damn hot now.

come back fast. we will miss nehneh.

wheee. cam whoring at the mrt station. tskkk.

and in school too. :)



-----

it's you, it's you,
you make me sing;
you're every word,
you're every line,
you're everything.
:)

sale sale sale.

zzzzz.
tuitioned that hungry ghost today. my god, im amazed at his appetite. he can freaking swallow an elephant and still feel hungry. puberty i call that.

met monz at vivo for shopping, meal and update!
wah lau eh, she so rich now seh. work in bank. starting pay so high somemore.
it's like....almost 5 times more than mine. =((((

cannot make it mans. i'm so gonna hatch my money plan. and it better give me my money sources. HAHAHAHA.

ate at terra cafe. some new place both of us haven't ate at, all because i insisted on eating something soupy, and well, they happened to offer some cheapo $9.90 meal consisting of tomyumsoup and ice-cream desert!

monz ate her SAVOURY BAKED RICE. got soup and icecream somemore seh!
HAHAHAH. cheap lor. and we got this card that entitles us to 10% discount at both outlets every meal! wah lau eh, super good marketing i call that. only the waitors and waitresses have difficulty communicating in english. and i thought vivocity outlets required their staff to be fluent in many languages? hmmms.

still, we ate, talked about recent happenings in life, then went off to shop!
my gosh. i bought another white top, which supports my YY trend (it's damn in ok lao meow) and can be adjusted at the shoulders to make it off shoulder! woooo. sexy mama. hehe. white makes me fat. hell.

monz bought office wear also. sia lah. we walked past zara, and i just anyhow say go in see see. my god, the moment we stepped in, both of us thought zara had some on-going war. all the clothes were strewn ALL OVER THE PLACE. shoes, tops, bottoms, WOMEN and their poor bfs. HAHAHAHA.

so we proceeded to conquer the sale. honestly, both of us damn ulu lah, don't know there's a sale in zara. zzzz.

she bought more office tops. damn nice. i envy thin people. =((( and it's freaking bargain. i bought some black and blue dress. whee. finally, a dress after so long. lovesss. but i think many people will be having that dress. hell. i just want something that doesn't make me look fat, looks cheeky, young and fun. dresses are the best. =)

ahhh, edwin was there too. sighhh. nice nice bf to monz seh. jealous. hahahaha.
so we parted after we left zara. so late all the shops were closed.
meet up soon mans. that rich girl. =(
-----

hallucinating. that $215 guess watch.
that $119 zara bag.
omgomg. just as i was about to leave, i saw this gorgeous zara bag that looked fucking expensive. =((((
it IS expensive, but my point here is that it looks like it just came out of a high-end boutique in taka or paragon. sighs.
dammit.
no money.

ok that's it man. i'm gonna save for splurges. and when i mean splurges, i mean SERIOUSLY HIGH CLASS stuff. must make my money worth it.

ROAR. MONEY MONEY MONEY.
-----

it's weird. cos' today while i was talking to monz about A, then as i was on my way home, A msged me and ask me if i gave tuition. apparently A has lobang. zzzzz.

my omph don't have to be that qiang ba.
HAHAHAHAH.

A is attached anyway.
no interest. just the M word. :)
-----

i'm pretty realistic.
and i just recalled wj and jh saying that they have a surprise for me. zzzz. it better don't be some uncalled for surprise. zzzz.

if their surprise concerns more money earning, then it's fine. :)

ah, i said i'm realistic right.
i need money lah, or not how to survive; no pocket money leh.

-----

independence is good. now i want to think long term. time to pull some strings, and land myself in attractive prospects. :)

yay over for now.

exams are over for now, school resumes on tuesday.
now, it's tuition combo and some other random stuff inbetween.
quite a lot undone, a lot to be completed.

the finals for half the sem was....ok.
studied harder than i did for mid sems.
i guess i was more prepared in a sense too.
felt average about both papers; should be getting roughly same marks for both papers as compared to mid sems. UNLESS MY BEARDY'S PAPER GOT MIRACLE.
HAHAHAHHA.
oh wells.


shoutout to those boliao people: stop talking about others lah. gee, give yourself a break, and open your eyes bigbig to see who is right and who is wrong. this is all so childish and reeking of sour grapes.
honestly, i can do so much better, it's only if i WANT to or not. geddit?
and i don't have to resort those those means of underhand in order to get what i want. i'm not that stupid yet.
you all have got to realise, that results comes with hard work. for me, or even for us, that is what we do(or try to do). so piss off if you don't like what we are getting.

tired of all that hypocrisy. even if i try my best to stay out of everything. no interest in that P and B word mans.

----

sakae sushi buffet.
died mans. stuffed with so much rice.
YAY I SHOULD HAVE BECOME SMARTER OK.
HAHAHAHHA.

slacked around for a bit, then was tuition at centre.
my god, after so long of not screaming at them, suddenly i feel that familiar strain on my throat.
"only you can stand them mans. pei fu."
HAHAHHAHA. i am pretty patient and tolerant. i admit.
=DDD

money money money.
it's time for hatching the plan. i hope everything goes well.

ah still have blackills to gao dim. sianzzzz.
MEOW. WHEN HAR WHENNNN????

------
shagness.
i think i wouldn't have lasted so long at xh if i did not have such great and supportive friends around. especially glad to people like my principal and vice, and wy. it's always good to have them to balance out the PH.

at least wj understands, and it comforts me. it's good to get some advice form him time to time. which is why i always try to arrive earlier so that i can catch a chat with him in private.

cos' time zooms by when the class starts. no time to breathe.
kids.
it's not that i don't want to get private tuition, it just feels different.
when you have 10 over kids clamouring all over the place, yelling at you(they think i'm deaf), screaming at one another, shouting insults across the place, asking nonsensical and rubbish questions. and that all occurs the moment they SEE ME, or the very second i step into the class.
it's pretty havoc.
zoo.

time lah, time.

-----

finally cleaned up my act.
specifically, cleaned up the area i dominated in the living room. my god, machiam fight war with paper, dust and...rubbish. =((((

it's done. MINIMALLY. HAHAHAHAH.
oh wells, at least i won't suffocate in dust anymore.
for the time being. don't know how long it'll last though. sighs.
----

i'm damn tired. brought home stuff to mark. work undone!!! arghs.

ok run tomorrow. i'm damn fat now. shitty.
byebye.

a million lives.

i think to study in UB, you need at least a million lives for this 3 year span.
i'm not kidding.
i feel like i've aged......tons.

finally finished pauline's reading.
and i feel like i forgot everything.
great, just great.

beardy's untouched.
i'm quite dead.
damn amazed how i managed to achieve that perfect grade slip last sem. HAHAHAHAHHA.
i'm god.

okok, i WAS god.


pimples.
my face is like weather forecast.
stressed, cloudy ie. alot pimples.
relaxed, clear skies ie. no pimples.

fats are popping out again.
fatty.

my brain is.....ARGH.
it better not let me down for the next 2 days.
I NEED IT.
BECOME SMARTERRRRR.

erm yea. now i just sound stupid saying that.

i would like to believe that i am..erm...smart.
an A student.
but now.....haiz.
----

random note, had a freaking weird dream today/last night.
zzzzzzz.
i think my brain is damn cok now.

----
am i my own lucky star?
are you?
i will get what i want if i believe enough.
right?
----

the immmortal.
savour the very taste of sweetness.
that metallic taste.
runs through my veins.
darkness envelopes you.
are you scared?
don't worry, i'm always there with you.
watching, waiting, hunting.
till the dawn breaks.

stress-

when stress and pressure builds up, i take solace in

a) eat more
b) don't eat at all.

problem is that i alternate between the two. i'm like....a piece of ultra fatty beef. damn dulan.
and i feel like i'm becoming more and more stupid. little brain activity. ask me to study words and pages and essays, i think i will die.
wait, i think i died long ago.

projects are still...slightly more flexible and lively.

i know i really shouldn't grumble.
but let me continue.

I SLEEP TOO MUCH.
as in when the fatigue hits, i die on my bed and i don't wake up until hours later. and when i wake up, i think it was a total waste of time, and i want to slap myself.

yet when i am awake, i don't find that motivation to study or mug, then i slack and rot around doing don't know what i and end up wasting more time.

i really hate my lazy butt sometimes.

ROARRRRRR!!!

my brain is on a riot.

so to make up for the expected loss of income this month, i scheduled my week right after wednesday's exams to accomodate all my missed tuition from my cousin.
ARGH. money. i need it.
so it's wednesday centre tuition.
thursday cousin tuition.
friday cousin tuition.
sat cousin plus centre.
sun cousin.

my life is god damn exciting sometimes.

but money, is everything i need right now.

it sucks to not take any money from your parents. because when you are broke, you are doomed.
which is right now.
pride, destined to kill me one day.


brain food. i need brain.
it's the B culture.
BRAINY BEAUTY.
aspiration mans.

HAHAHAHAHAH.

there are so many leisure stuff i'm dying to do. catch mindless movies. rot around in town. chill in some cafe just talking and laughing. play some stupid arcade basketball game. sing crazily in kbox. eat to my stomach's content WITHOUT growing fatter. exercise and get more healthy. sleep without feeling guilty. and the list goes on.

these things, i doubt i will be able to do without feeling like i should be doing something else.

opportunity costs indeed.

tiresome.

i think my rashes will have scars.
aftermath.

i would love to excuse my heavy weight for presence of muscles.
but i think that would be cheating myself.

between lines of lies and self-comfort, deprecating jokes and self-honesty.
blurred-


i shall try to get information into my pea brain now.

never gonna score this semester.
i need miracles to happen.
or my As are not gonna appear.
PLOP from the list indeed.

don't need any guru to tell me that.


save my soul;
let me reincarnate.


you may not be able to tell, but it reads i love xg. HAHAHAHAH. somewhere along that line. if you could control destiny, could you alter mine to my wishes?

changed bg.

another version of same picture

i kinda like this bg. i have another one. shall change it when i feel bored with my current one.
HA.

feeling really stoned and lethargic.
want to go out and chill desperately.
but i know there are things waiting to be done and completed.
sucks.
procrastinator queen.

----
i don't know who you are. but you sure did offend me.
i wonder about the motives behind your accusations.
and perhaps it's jealousy.
perhaps it's just someone feeling upset. sour grapes.

nothing comes free.
grades don't fall from the sky.
you work for it, or you don't.
i worked hard last sem. i got what i deserved.
i slacked this sem. i got what i deserved.

cheat?
come on. don't act like you are so full of integrity.
i daresay so far my grades are clean.
do you dare challenge it?

i am not smart, but i am not stupid either.

don't provoke me, and i won't provoke you.
i'm harmless.
so think before you act.
life's hard. perhaps you had to learn it the hard way.
i'm still learning. but i am sure i can make my way out.
because i am doing what i want.
so stop blaming others blindly.
clear those lenses; identify right from wrong.


simply put, if we did not study AND cheated, do you think we'll still score well?
use your brains, my dear.

nuff' said.
-----

sushi buffet. 19.90 heels. mini wallet. more clothes. blackills. tuition. all shall resume after exams. haircut. hair streaks.

i miss-


love-hate us. because you cannot be me. nor her. it's ok, i understand. you don't have to try so hard.

surprises everyday.

i shall shock people with my face.
but i think that picture of me looks damn demure lah. HAHAHAHHA.
rare occasion and a lot of gek-ing.
sorry lah.
i'm not that pretty or gentle at all.



so hope announced the 4 best groups for ppt today.
i was quite shocked that my group was actually voted by the class as one of the best 4. hmmmmms. sincerely shocked. but thanks to all who voted. the team which i voted for got in too. HAHAHA. oh wells.
for a very screwed up team with many MIA team members and last minute plus stay back in school until 12pm work, i must say that we did pretty well. unexpectedly well.

:) i'm contented. don't have to be the best, just be one of the best. given that time constraint and lousy.....certain people. i wish they would start growing up and be responsible already.

i dread beardy's content assignment. ARGH.

and finals are next tuesday and wednesday. never been so dead before.
please let me pull through with reasonably same grades as last sem. =X


with bones like hers, you'll look good in almost every picture.

i miss shopping. i want new clothes that i can actually wear. i want so many things. desires are terrible.

the search for identity. hmmms. was i like that too? was i so desperate to be recognised? so desperate to be noticed? so desperate to be identified? how much would you sacrifice? how much are you willing to give? when will you realise that life is much more than your decadent lifestyle?

life now, is nothing much. nothing much to prove, to show, or to announce.
order and chaos.
unpredictability and occurence.


it's amusing how people can just approach me out of the blue to tell me how they can envision me living in taiwan and japan without any problems to fitting in. it really is!

i just it's a matter of perspectives.
i may not be the prettiest or the skinniest or the smartest.
i will always be mediocre.
i will always be there.

that's what i see through MY lense.
what do you see?

----

sometimes i brush past you, and i feel a tinge of sadness.
no eye contact. not smiles. not greetings.
what changed? what happened? what altered?
in between loss and disconnectedness;
stranger friends,
where will fate bring us together again?
place, date, time.

no answers to answerless questions.
i hope you're genuinely happy.

----



don't know whose feet. tskkkk.



i love that qing ren song. sighhh. even though i don't know what is being sung. HAHAHA. ignorance brought happiness.
simple pleasures.

still red after the kiss;

one minute silence.

cos' laomeow announced to me that her baby just kicked the bucket.
aiyoyo. why like that? just because her azz went to buy a sports car. HAHAHAHAHA.
tskkk. and to think i know more about her BOYFRIEND more than she does. lanpekpek really.

and she denies:

MZ says:
no lor

MZ says:
e baby last time wan drop le i use rubber band tie it

-_-''' is that supposedly how they do it in china?



anyway, it's back to the centre for the time being. things have changed inside. furniture, settings, layout and such. BUT it still looks like a tornado just went through it. tskkkk.

hope's project is finally done. i guess it's pretty ok. good job to everyone who put in their efforts! :)

now it's beardy's content analysis. wheee so exciting mans. (please sense sarcasm)
our network one got an A grade. it's excellent news! HAHAHAHHA. sigh. but how i wished that had been my exams instead. sigh.
lousy GPA this sem.

using back that ancient backpack from secondary school! -gasp-
it's superrr comfy to carry can. HAHAHAHHA. <3

spree clothes take zillions of years to arrive.

took quite a number of pictures today. shall upload another day when i feel free.
another set of unglam mans.



what is true and what is not?
those words you utter, those that fell from your lips-
should i believe, should i acknowledge?

remember noodle's lecture. double check your perception with the sender of the msg. so i did that.
but lies could have occurred.
what defines truth?
there's only a thin line.

so i'll just take that compliment as it is.

------


new teachers in the house!
HAHAHAHA. and well, i wouldn't be so excited if there was only female teachers.
GOT MALE OK. highhhhh.

okok fine. he isn't like drop dead gorgeous, but it's refreshing to see guys around the centre for a bit.
and i shot a quick glance to check him out. not bad.
i think he kept looking at my direction too.
HAHAHAHHAHA.
i don't know his name, but he teaches amaths. ohhhh.

nice.
older.taller.nice build.

ahhhhh. better not anyhow omph.
hmmmm. sometimes, i feel that the impossible might actually be possible.
but why cheapen myself?

i'm just so envious of you.
you and that perfect boyfriend.
i guess because we are friends, and i feel your sincerity in all words and actions.
i guess because so, i am so afraid i'll anyhow omph.

never.
never ruin friendships over guys.
NEVER, jielin.
----

/edit sidenote:

somehow today seems to be a day when people i don't talk to on msn come msging me online. HAHAHA. mr A and mr M. hmmmmm.
feels good. to talk to them. know more.
nice people.

mr amath better not be a Y.

tadpoles and life now.

i thought this picture looked like two tadpoles. HAHAHAHA. it's actually me and laomeow on one of the shoots.
which reminds me, we need to meet up after exams to get our 3rd spree going. gee.

been project-ing for the past few days. will be project-ing for the next few days too. actually i'm not THAT tired. just...used to it, such that it actaully scares me.

have not went to tuition for one week plus already. i think i should go for tml's class. sighs. so much money flown away. sianz.
and my pay from last month is STILL not processed. i'm officially back to eat grass stage. i think that can be good and bad. good cos' i won't spend recklessly. bad because my atm card is of no use. HA.


went to T's house for project after leaving school yesterday.

S saw the layout of the house and was visibly and openly impressed.

S: wah lau. i rather be a bird and live in that cage lor.
me: huh why?
S: i mean if i live in that cage, everyday i wake up i see that pool and everything around me so nice lor. why not sia. eat also maybe eat golden worms. HANDPICKED probably. i want lor!
me: ...........


S: eh! maybe the swimming pool water is mineral water lah!
me: -_-
S: -stones for a while-
me: what are you thinking?
S: i was thinking right, if i live here, then everyday wake up just scoop one cup of water from the pool can drink already.
me: ....


S is damn random, but i find it pretty cute. hahahah. i guess things do happen for a reason. it feels good to know other people better. at least i don't feel like i'm constrained to people i normally hang out with.
-----

abs did some quiz on me today.

lecture was tiring. exams are next week. i'm so dead.

don't wanna my gpa to drop. but confirm drop already. HAIZ.
pekcek.

it's raining suddenly.

stayed in school till it closed. then had to camp at the bus stop to finish up stuff. my god. so tiring. and it's crazy. =(


i think i don't have the time to think about anything else now. which is a pro and con.

i need a break. but i feel like i don't know how to stop anymore.

star one.

kayaking never been so difficult. and i thought i was quite good at it ok. ROARRRR.

so i was wrong. i'm aching ALL OVER.
kayaking is entirely a FULL BODY WORK OUT.
my god. arms, LEGS, HIPS, WAIST, HEAD.
and i have so many bruises. =((((
and abrasions on my fingers. from the sand.
sighhhh.

ok lah, met up with haoz, gene and weiyang on the train to take to tanah merah for our kayaking adventure. early in the morning. damn seh, and i felt like shitting. so they nicely decided to stop at simei cos' the shopping centre there is big and i can choose my toilet. HAHAHAHHA.

ate brunch. then slacked around and headed to MOE changi adventure camp. many planes man. so loudddd.
slacked around somemore until the rest arrived. it had been raining the entire day. so while waiting for the rain to stop, there was all the theory stuff and basic experience stories from the instructor.

when we finally headed out to sea, i was feeling damn nua already. realllllyyyy sleepy.

and they decided that we should do all the difficult stuff first. which really made me panic slightly. the planned capsize and one-man and two-man rescue. WAH LAU EH.

i eventually did all. the sea was really choppy with strong waves and wind. VERY VERY TIRED. and i could feel my energy emptying from every nerve. every muscle was aching badly already.

I DIDN'T KNOW THE FREAKING KAYAK WHEN FILLED WITH WATER IS SO SIBEI HEAVY. ARGHHHH.

dieded.

and they so kind gave us a "dancer" kayak. which is literally a dancer. because it turns and spins around like shit. not to mention easily capsize-able. ROAR.
not that i capsized other than the intended ones. but the turning around is all MINE. i am officially the TURN 360 DEGREE QUEEN. i think everyone knows me for that mans. sibei dulans.

spent the first day fighting the waves.

went out for dinner after that. met DEEPAN AND HIS GF IN TOWN!!! gasppppp. hahahaha. and he still remembers me!!! WHEEEE!!! so exciting. we nua-ed around wasting time. then all of us were so exhausted we decided to head back to camp for sleep. KO-ed. so nice ah, all 3 guys. HAHAHAHA. i was protected seh.

and ok lah, none of them snored. HAHAHAHAHAH. damn funny. cos' i threatened to whack anyone who snored loudly. then zh insisted he doesn't--he really doesn't. he BREATHES LOUDLY that's all. weiyang was wearing that army coat thing, which he had zipped up to his nose. that caused his breathing to become really loud.
and according to him, he was afraid that i might think that was snoring, so he hurriedly zipped it back down to below his nose. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. pengggg. ok, i'm that fierce eh? :P
gene side i don't know what happened leh. too far liao. =D

the night was...bearable. mozzies and chill. brrrr.
woke up still aching. washed up and breakfast-ed.
then was straight to the sea. had better control. learnt more new strokes.
i suck at reverse stroke. my arms were so cramped and tight i could hardly move.
still drizzling. battled the sea again.
died.

lunch.
back to sea. battle again. spin around again. but spinning less cos' i finally understood how to control A BIT. and wah lau eh. KI ordered mass capsize in deep sea. three man rescue is KILLER ok. haoz, shiai and I were like struggling in the water. damn jialat. finally got people come rescue us one by one. ok lah. i think everything is ok for two man rescue. but the climbing back onboard part in deep sea is damn jialat. cos' of current and everything. wahlaueh. and i always end up in awkward positions, then hafta twist alot to fit back in normally. HAHAHAHAHA.
pity the person who always support my kayak. =D

was more practise and battling about. then i got laughed at by a few other people OTHER THAN WEIYANG for spinning around. =(((( super paiseh. and my presto right side broke. hosei bo?
sighhh.

didn't get much tan overall leh. kept raining. sian one lor. but i think i got the UV, which made me damn red, like lobster. =(
which is now. but i think it'll fade by tml. hmmms.

i guess this course made me realise that kayaking out in the sea really depends on alot of things. it's ok to just kayak, but to know all the skills, the type of kayak used and be able to help others, or tell weather conditions and so on, is really not easy.

it's tempting to go onto star two, because our KI taught us many things that were supposed to be in star 2 in our star 1 course. but i guess it still depends on the time contraints. and my determination. it really needs alot of physical strength. ARGHHH.

i'm so lousy. so unfit!!!!

it's almost like cycling in the storm with nehneh and the stupid broken down bicycle. HAHAHAHHA.

oh wells, i have fate with rain, it seems.

i guess if i really want a full body work out, i will take on kayaking. very tiring.
and i thought it only needed my arms. how wrong i was!

now, it's back to LPP school. dreadful.

a real big thanks to the guys for the great company for the two days or so. it's pretty crazy really. though i can tell we get damn exhausted after some time. kayaking effects sets in damn slow. i feel like a BROTHER mans. HAHAHAHA.

and LIM ZIHAO, i will nor forgive you for the "SPIDER" joke. ROARRRR!!!!! i really thought there was a spiderrrr. idiot. and i won't fall for the shoulder tap again ok. zzzzz.

weiyang for his "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"-s. zzzzz.

gene was gentlemanly for paying for my expenses. please calculate and tell me the full cost. HAHAHAH. i will pay you back. sumpah. =)

interesting people. interesting sights. interesting self-thoughts. :)
it was a good getaway. physically strenuous though. i guess it's good not to dress so nicely, not to bother if my hair settles after waking up, not to bother if i look like shit, tees, shorts and flipflops. and my long lost prestos <3.

gene ah gene. got news with shiai must tell me ok! and send me the pics online! :)

sometimes, it's good to getaway from the bustling life for a while. from all the superficial stuff we do everything. from the chase. it really reminds you that there are simple things in life which you can still enjoy, and people who care surround you.

YA LAH, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY THE BEST GUY FRIENDS I CAN EVER HAVE. :)


rashes seem to be improving. though it's still in blotches. but it's like past the swelling state, i think. =X
mans, it better not leave scars. dulan mans.


byebye.

plopness-

when shit falls from the sky,
and lands on you, there are generally two views:

either you are sibei suey or tmd lucky.

so which are you?
a little of both for me.

i guess i have endless shit to make do with.
i have to remain optimistic!

things happen when you can't choose.
irritation and annoyance.
just hiding them.
at least there are people who care enough.


don't screw me.
because it means alot to me.
i make things happen. i make things go my way.


don't stand in my way, or i will slap you.
not literally, of course.
i don't like to get my hands dirty.

i like people who do their best too.
we are grown adults.
at least try behaving like one when the time calls for it.








lighter note, i have bad rashes.
it's like full blown manssss.
red and more swelling.
ITCHY.
tmdknn CANNOT SCRATCH.
so sianzzzzz.


met up with monz for a quick dinner.
i do miss times when 3 of us(including chip) can go out and just have fun.
i guess the both of them still do.
sighs. i feel so isolated and segregated.
i need to whine constantly about school and work.
i'm tired. but i can still take it.
all these will lead me the way i am going.
i am meant for things.


so well, a bombardation of both group meetings today.
hoseibo.
refined alot of stuff. things are much easier done when there are lesser people. and when the people are contributing beings. not just PRESENT.
i am panicking. i am terrified. because this can make or break the grade. very important. haiz.

and to me, every presentation is important. taking pride in your work is more important. free-riders are part and parcel of life. or perhaps half-full buckets are just THERE. i fill it up.

i've been screwed.
crude as it sounds,
i will unscrew myself.

been quite long-

since i last updated.
dying from the piling stress and pressures.
earning significantly lesser money because i had to push away all my tuition assignments for the week. i forsee more of such circumstances next week.

this week is drawing to a close.
i'm going to fail my com reasearch paper for mid terms.
seriously.
i don't feel happy. but i guess it's over.
even if i don't fail, at most i can attain a C or B. which is shit.
anything other than A or A- is shit. B+ is acceptable.
sigh.

i'm not an elitist. but i really don't wish to simply PLOP from the darn list. after i worked so hard for it!
ROAR.

and i have rashes on my tummy area. GREAT.
IT BETTER DOESN'T SPREAD.
or i'll be one very pissed and itchy girl.
i don't even know where the rashes popped out from. this is so infuriating.

i wanna have smooth skin ok. tmd.

kayaking this weekend; pretty nervous.
but i guess the company of the boys will cheer me up a bit.
heh.

more projects. then finals 2 weeks later.
i don't even know when i'll have the time to feel my muscles relax.
i've never jogged since school reopened.
flabs.
i hate my body. really. still do. prolly still will.


bought more cardigans today. shopping for essentials.
got my pinknblack stripey socks. <3
got my black shorts FINALLY, at a steal too.
loves.
online shopping is addictive.
but i guess i know when to stop-
when i'm broke.
HA.

save for travel fund.
is not growing.
because i placed all the money into save for future fund.
LOL. how.
i really wanna travel.
life in singapore is sooooo boring.
i need a new breath of air.

i need to see the world.


travelling. missed.


it's funny how i keep saying i wanna slim down. yet i don't put my words into actions.

sighs.

i'm positive i'm growing fatter, uglier and stupider by the day.
it's not even self-fulfiling prophecies.
it's like almost a fact. observable. empirical. quantifiable.
FUCKKKKK.


so many wrong questions. dulanmax.
still itching. =((((


so tired.
lack of sleep.
ageing mans.
booooooo.

my brain seems retarded. not meant for work.
dead.


i'm so obsessed in the weight chase.
the diet fad.
the skinny illusions.
i've fallen deep.
i know it's wrong, it's psychological.
but i really am displeased with myself.


CHASE THOSE RASHES AWAY.

adrenalin rush-

went out with mz and nehneh yesterday.
slacked around town, shopping, talking cok, basically trying to chill out. sigh. i still feel the pressure though.

they bought me a topshop skirt for my birthday present. thanks babe! really pretty blue. though sizes too big, but i guess loose is better than tight. sighhhs.

i'm ballooning again. damn sianz. i wonder why i cannot just be skinny.

"what's his name?"
"frank something ah..(not convenient to put full name)"
"eeee. frank sounds like some ah pek. frank benjamin!"
"who's that?? i only know that frankenstein! VERY SMART ONE!!"

nehneh and i -_-''' FRANKENSTEIN IS KNOWN FOR BEING SMART MEHHH?

then i realised. that LAO MEOW was refering to EINSTEIN.

MY GOD. pengness. i wonder if laomeow is retarded sometimes. like lapses here and there. sibei funny.



met marshy, gene and bishi after tuition.
tuition is driving me nuts. though i need the money, i think the stress combined from all aspects of my life is damn shitty now. really can't breathe.

but i was surprised by the gift wy, jh, wj and pw gave me. hahaha. sweetness. i feel so doted on. HAHAHAH.


anyway, we wenta some branch of billybombers at cineleisure. hip place something. forgot the name of the restaurant. the food was pretty ok. yums.

and the cake. THANKS GUYS. i swear it's the 1st/2nd best cake i've eaten so far this year. :) CHOCOLATE MOUSSE CAKE. loves. sinfullll. hahahhaahha.
and yes, it WAS a surprise indeed. i was damn shocked. totally didn't expect. damn, now i feel guilty not buying the guys a big big gift too. =((((

sweetness. i guess some friends definitely do make your day.
laughed alot, even though the meeting time was short. i love the fact that it doesnt matter when you join into the conversation, because everywhere you go, you are wanted, you are loved, and you are part of everything. this is why i love you guys. :)

and for the vodka peach. thanks man!!! another surprised gift! :)
i feel so blessed mans.
i can't wait for the kayaking.

mans, can see haoz scratching his armpit. no brolly today. got alot armpit hair and armpit jokes. HAHAHAHAHHA.
reallllyyyy. -grins.

but i still dread the upcoming week.
i'm so tired i cannot even feel tired without going anywhere.
it's so taken for granted to feel like this, i cannot really define how it really feels.
confusing isn't it?

sometimes, i just need people like you to make me breathe.
to make me feel alive and part of this world.
to make me laugh till my jaws ache.
to make me tear from laughing.
to make me wanna time to stand still so that i can be with you all.

they say good things don't last long. i'm fine with it.
because although we met up for a mere 2 hours or so, i never felt so alive in a long long time.

some things, some people, mean everything.
i hope it's mutual.
=)





side note: i hope my spree clothes arrive soon!
no clothes to wear already.
sigh. and i really want those stubborn fats to disappear.
sick of m ________.

happy brithday to me!

the big twenty with a huge ass 2.
i'm old. HAHAHAHAH.
i don't feel older that much. but it's good. i remember how i used to yearn to grow older so that people could take me seriously and i could start to do things more independently. i think there comes a time when you wished you wouldn't age so fast.

it's true that the saying goes: wisdom comes with age. but well, there's just the little tinges of reluctance to see that "1" fly away.

205 exam. was okkkk. no full marks for sure. quite sians. had group meeting afterwards. peng mans. we were all so hungry and tired; irritation was in the air. but we managed to get things settled more or less.

sevensixeightseven.


so people did remember. all stages of life. i feel loved; i feel blessed. thank you-s to all who remembered.

the lesser you expect, the better things go. HAHAHAH.


left school finally. with a spring in my step. life's easier if i have things to look forward to, even for the time being.

met monz and hf at suntec. followed by paula. wenta fish and co for dinner. SIAN. I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT THEY SING BIRTHDAY SONGS LIKE THUNDER.

my god. embarrassing moment. hahahahaha. but turks took most of the exposure. wheeee! =D

had such a great time. just laughter and more laughter.

they even had a polaroid picture of us! SO COOL. I LOVE POLAROID PICTURES. <3


and attached with a card. gee. sweetness. i like the staff, very nice. so we gave a positive evaluation form for them. HAHAHAHA.
well, the fact that the waiter who SHOOK MY HAND 3 TIMES is cute--BONUS!!! hahahaha.
gee. but i think he's just doing this job lah. =((((

where's my ah guigui. i don't want ah kow.

left to go to the arcade. AHHAHAHAHA. superrrr funnnnn.

the basketball pros! wheee!! monz and i are damn pro ok!
our score is always TWO TIMES that of turks and paula. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. peng.
even when we played inividual lah. monz first. i was second and errrr. paula third and turks fourth. we should do it again!!! HAHAHAHAHA.

spent a bomb on that game. damn addictive. trying to improve along the way. -grins.

and there was photohunt.
wheee!

i think the day is very simple, but extremely heart-warming and fun. there wasn't any instant when i was bored or upset or anything. =)

and of cos', the walk to the bus stop(mrt for me) was hilarious. all the scenes from chalet filled our conversation. pennnggggg. i laughed until my cheeks were aching, and my stomach was cramping up. manssss. i miss those days. HAHAHAHAH.

i'm loved. and blessed.
asides from the shitty school work.

tml out with neh neh and mz.
then sat dinner with marshy, bishi and gene after tuition!
loads to get done. boooooo!!! BUT THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
aint that what life is abouT!!!!

-beams.

i love you all. thank you. really. :)

life's balance;

it's true ain't it?
the casual chat with marshy yesterday made me realise how life has it's way of balancing things out.
whether it's the karmic cycle. or life and death. it balances out.

when it's upsetted, things move and change, people come and go, to make up for what's lost or gained.

now, peace and tranquility.
i wonder when the next hit will come.
while my life is plainly quiet and silent. no ripples.

i see pain and hurt, loss and anger, stupification and dumbfoundedness in others.
i feel for them.
life can be unfair.
i cannot help them.

i guess when it's your time, it's yours.
regardless age, gender, time of your life, place.
maybe it's a sign.

maybe things are angry.
maybe things are restless.
just maybe.

so when's my time?
when will life take it's claim on me?

understatedness.
i've forgotten the smell of lavender.
it's probably the only purple thing i love.
HA.

stupified.

so i thought i'll be hardworking and read chapter 6 of com202.
THEN NEHNEH TELLS ME IT'S NOT IN THE SYLLABUS.
sianz. i hate myself sometimes.

BOO.
LAGGING.

i'm failing this sem. VERY VERY HIGHLY POSSIBLE.
HA.

with screwed up profs.
and crazy schedules.
injustice.
fight as hard as i can right? nothing much i can do.

just plan something to look forward to everyday. so that it wouldn't seem that bad.

SO, thanks to marshy, i have a date for next saturday and sunday.
looking from both com202 and 205 timelines, i don't SEEM to have anything on.
BUTTTTTTTTT, things could screw up.
i'm praying hard.
KAYAKING COURSE HERE I COME! damn determined to get it done this time. procrastinating for years.
ONE STAR FIRST. INSTRUCTOR NEXT. wheeee!!
and to do it with all my good friends. damn exciting. =)


for now, it's more blackills stuff, tuition, schoolwork.
i need to pratice the art of not sleeping.
vamp me up.
i like vampires.

sevensixeightseven.
do you remember?
would you care to?
would it even make a difference?
how important is it to me? i have no idea. i feel nothing, yet i feel injustice.
this aint supposed to be like this.
saviour.
counting down.

language as a barrier.

even if we speak the same language, we still misunderstand each other; one another.
what's more if we speak different ones?

i love you, i do. with my heart and soul.
but i hate it when you tell me how to run my life.
when you tell me this is not good, this is good.
when you tell me things i don't believe in.
when you say that things i do will not work out.
when you don't believe in me.

i hate it that you always take me in comparison to them.
or when i am expected to continue giving so much to them.
even when i am in no benficial position.
i am tired of it.



so i went to ding tai feng with parents and grandma and sis.
ate a meal. was full almost immediately
the xiao long baos are still better in crystal jade.
i like the yam dumplings though.

i want that t100 camera so much, yet i refuse to open my mouth.
maybe it is too much to ask for.

i want that pair of hi-tops gold sneakers.
or perhaps that black leather hi-top skull head one.
temptations must be curbed.

and so i deposited $150 into the permanant account.
un-touched.
$100 more than what i was supposed to put in.
i figured that since i am hopeless with saving, i might as well put in more now. SIGH.
now i survive with my xh pay solely.
wish me luck.


gss is on and i haven't really shopped. things i want still remain expensive to be bought.
things i want are out there in the crowd. i hate to squeeze.
so here i am. waiting for post gss.
heading to the weirdodo shops i usually go to seek for quirkier clothes.
usually they don't have gss anyway.HA.
i miss shopping. i guess shopping online, browsing online soothes the frazzied nerves.

i miss going out to relax, have a movie, talk cok till the sky turns dark, or even plain fooling around on orchard road.
even a random hike around singapore with nehneh is great.
i just miss carefreeness.
i hate it that i am procrastinating even though i know i have loads to do.
and i am still considering whether to take up that private tutee.
i need that extra cash so much.
so bloody much.

either that or i spend lesser.


almost impossible.
sighs.
maybe i should eat less.
no appetite anyway.
good food are hard to find.
or my tastebuds are spoilt. HAHAH.

i realise i don't really tell anyone anything much.
most of my troubles are kept within.
no wonder i feel bloated. (pun intended)

but i'm serious.
no one really knows much.
this could be a dumb act, or even stubbornly trying to put on a brave front.
i know i have people who care for me, yet i simply don't wish to talk at times.
too much can kill.
not like anyone cares to listen that much anyway.

songs songs songs.
fill my soul.
i'm a fushion of the east and west.

i can be so much better.
i just need that extra faith in myself.
more confidence.
i need more hindsight.
i need to discern the good people from the bad ones.

or simply- i need to manipulate like the rest.
maybe i should learn too.
this, might actually get me places.
run away from my conscience, and be more thick-skin.
i might actually gain much more.

give me my lavender.
i'm still waiting.
guardian angel, you better do something.

sore throat-

been feeling ultra sick these few days.
trying to suppress all the feelings of illness.
ignoring the pounding headache.
trying to drown my aching throat.
pretending that my body doesn't ache.
booooo.

been quite suey lately. but finally settled down to think throught that flurry of events and bombardment of emotions.
i guess things do happen for a reason.
-shrugs-
i gotta look past this and look ahead to what's awaiting.
maybe things were supposed to be so because i feel sick.
or happened so that my parents could show their love for me more..
i guess i'm still loved by them. pampered.
i think they're bringing me out for a treat on sunday!
early birthday treat.
sighs.

mentioning my birthday, i really am DREADING IT.
i don't know why, but i guess having my exams on it isn't very exciting to begin with.
not to mention the shitty project for hope.


so much i want, but i shall remain poor this birthday.
yet another year. YAY i'm one year older.
to rejoice or to be sad about?
i guess it's both. i want the best of both worlds.

i'm starving. long story cut short, parents forgot to tell me that they had a date outside. leaving me homealonewithoutanybloodyfoodtoeat.

looking forward to a sumptuous breakfast. papa owes me one.
hehe.

spreeing online again. pretty bad. it's addictive. the clothes are pretty and different from local stuff. which makes me wanna get them. =)

ehhhhh, laomeow got people tag our board say we are skinny seh.
must be camera skills ok. HAHAHAHHA.


and the jap guy says i'm tall, slim and attractive. HMMMMMM.
discerning.

tuition was..-pukes blood-
but time flew damn fast. scary.
HA. earned a couple of bucks in what seemed like seconds. minus the yellings of course.

talked to jx about the pc fair stuff.
she will help me get lobang for the next fair. really good deal this time. whee. i hope.

but i wanna work in the zoo.
NOT THE ZOO AT THE TUITION CENTRE.
omph must omph carefully.

ha. redeem me;
the saved, the fallen,
where's my guardian angel?
who will protect me from the world?
who will be there to look over me?
who are you?

the shooting star.
will it really grant my wishes?
why do i still believe in stars?
why do i seek peace in solace?
why do i find comfort in loneliness?

i wish to pull out of this situation.
i feel like i'm getting more and more anti-social.
more and more wrogly self-sufficient.
humans need interaction.
why then, do i feel like i can stand alone.

i don't want to walk alone. i want company.
i want support.
i want laughter and smiles.
i want no burdens, i want freedom, i want liberty.
i want the fresh air, i want the pretty lavender.

lavender.
still waiting.
where are you? who are you?