somehow, just brainwash me.

because i feel like crumpling already.
i try so hard to be strong.
they say it gets easier.
i know it'll get easier.
but why can't i just skip this part?

it's so fucking hard not to think when you cannot seem to control your mind.

so i let it conquer me.
i collapsed.
inside and outside.
no longer shining bright.

i need a mask.
something that can allow me to hide better.
until this time passes.
until i heal.
because i fucking want to break down everytime you enter my world of thoughts.
and i have to hide it from people around me.
it's so hard.
and you're not making it easier.

i cannot stop wondering what you are thinking.
how much i mean to you even?
am i just another tragic rebound story?
was i all along another toy for you?
why is it so easy for you to say those words and give up?
why can't i do the same too?

somehow, it never pays to be nice.
i'm lagging behind in my revision.
i could have finished by now. but i didn't.
but who to blame.
i'm just too fucking weak sometimes.
cannot say no.
cannot refuse.
so here i am, the product of my cumulative mistakes.



you are the fist thing i think about in the morning.
and the last before i fall asleep.
when will this stop?
i want it to stop.
because i know it's not reciprocated.
i want to stop feeling used and wasted.


i just want to be happy.
how many more chopsticks do i have to break?