it's summertime, and it's raining.

my entries seem to repeat themselves over and over again.
---

heard somethings today, not exactly pleasant, but not entirely something i should bother about either.
what's my reaction? my stand?

i cannot please the entire world, and if they choose to believe that of me, and choose to have the mindset that i am bad/influenced due to some people, then i really cannot change these mindsets. really.

i'm tired of trying to be nice and all, when all i get in return is ultra-bitchy behaviour. i will not return such behaviour because i think it's all high-school drama and immaturity. i'm sick of these thoughts of "we-are-supposed-to-be-one-group" kind of thing. there is no such thing as UNASSUMED ONENESS. and there is no such thing as EXCLUSIVENESS or EXCLUSION.
bullshit. no one is stopping them from having fun. no one is leaving them out of the fun. but having fun is about releasing all; forgoing all rigid thoughts and assumptions, and open up to new challenges and ideas.

are you able to do it? are you able to NOT judge so quickly? are you able NOT to gossip behind people's backs? are you able to see the bigger picture and step out from your constrained little world? are you able to open up to new people? people we've prolly never hung out with before?

life's about experimentation. life's about meeting new people, all walks of life, experiences, learning, emotions, fun, thrill, excitements. because we are only young once. study hard, play hard?

know how to phrase yourself well, express yourself appropriately, and you might actually have more friends.

because of the insecurity and fear of incurring more misunderstandings, i've given up trying to maintain a conversation. i've tried to keep my distance, less interaction=less conflicts, right?

i did not provoke you, but you had to do this. YOU JUST HAD TO. you, and you.

all this high school drama, just stop it already.



i'm not going to take action, because it's just a waste of time, and i've grown up.
i choose my friends, i choose who i want in my life. and if apparently we are not running on the same frequency...forget it.
why make everyone upset?


the voice in my heart, tell me i should hate you. but i hate myself instead.



the tears caught me unaware. warm, they trickled down.
the second occasion since sunday.
i tried to stop them from falling. those droplets of crystals.
the pain, all released as they fell, alongside the crystals.
then, as quickly as it came, it stopped.
but-
why is the pain still there?
when will to go away?
when will it stop torturing me?
why me?
does it even seek you?


how can i be surrounded by people who care, yet feel all alone when you dominate my mind.
how can i feel so contented one moment, then feel used and shittiness the next moment.
you-
make me feel...worthless.


so many questions, unanswered.
will remain answerless.
question-ful?
ha.


i just wish, that day will come when i can go by a day without a single thought of you. cos' the image of you, us, only bring the sense of loss. the sense of failed salvation. the feeling of insult, and unimportance.



trapped and bound.



escapism?


warm and saltish, they reminded me of my pain.
they reminded me of you.
what reminds you of me?
i am your past.
you are my present.
i don't want this to be my future.


lost, unguided; blinded.

courage to love? or plain stupidity?

------

thanks to alex and abby and hel for accompanying me on my lonely friday evening. got my black peas back.
=)
i'm sorry for the sudden change in moods...i guess i'll never be alright.
time...is all i need.
a lot of time.

until you stop lingering inside me.
until my heart stops yearning for you.
until my mind stops thinking of you.
until you become my past.
until it's summertime, and it doesn't rain no more.