random.

saw this sign in bugis's toilet.
YEA.
i left behind my pee.


ok fine, this was a sign meant for reminding forgetful people like me to check all our belongings before leaving the toilet. =)

*

it was the first time in a very long time since i caught sunset. and it caught me offguard.
the beauty in nature, which i've started to neglect and ignore.

this reminded me to open my eyes and observe the natural beauty around me again..

*



the advertising sign kinda ruined everything. but this was snapped on my papa's car while in motion..using my handphone of course..

i like how the sky manages to change colours..the gentle gradients..
and how the clouds always form different shapes.

thought of how i used to imagine different cloud forms as different cartoon characters...
how i used to think clouds are magical.
until i learnt geography.
and i grew up.
things never seem so simple now.

i still believe in magic though.

*



it wasn't the only thing that made me feel warm and fuzzy.
heh.
=)

*



=)
the one whom i hate-love.
sigh.

*



that's me and my 80 year old bond darling.
our past, present and future.


*
meet up with abbas was good. though it was short(yes, i was late!), but it felt really good. the emotions just came back..wave after wave. missing the guys, missing the times we had, miss the laughs. bittersweet.


it felt good seeing him finally after one week too. really nice. =) and i got a lovely, cute little nelgene bottle. SUPER! timely, considering i had wanted to get a new bottle too. PINK somemore! sweet. =) and really thoughtful. i mean, how often does an emotionless, egoistic and heartless guy remember what you say casually? =p


it really made my day. thanks alot, corn. =)


mango ice pudding was sweetly apt. yet freezed me, us. =D i'm determined to conquer it again next time round! discovered a new place, decently priced and yummy food provided.

I LOVE FOOD, dammit.

getting used.

the feeling of getting used to life back in singapore again is wierd. no more chionging to shopping in foreign countries, or waking up in the morning to see monz on the same bed(sounds damn wrong), or anything remotely interesting. at least for now.

tuition today was ok. the kids were as rebellious as ever, and i wondered if i was not their teacher, how would they have interacted with me? somehow, i find it so much easier to play with them than discipline them. but....a balance must be achieved. so difficult...

monday will be crazy tuition with cousin to make up for the friday tuition lesson with him that i missed. damn tiring i can expect.


i want to go travelling again. i miss the rush of adrenalin of meeting new people and seeing new things. but to travel, need money and time and a good companion. all of which is hard to attain.

*shrugs*

everyone is starting school soon. and mine will only start on august 28th. so please stop asking me when my school is beginning cos' im tired of repeating myself.

maybe i'll be better off studying again. simplicity at its best. stressful and tough definitely, but i expect it to be less taxing on the brain. makes me think less, i hope.


my gums hurt again. i wonder why. my teeth feel less shaky already. BAH. for the time being. tuesday is terror day AGAIN. wonder how long the dentist will take to extract two other teeth. =( and then it's back to soggy, blood-soaked gauzes, bleeding gums, throbbing pain, vomit-inducing salivas. only this time, i totally cannot chew liao. WIN ALREADY. =(

cannot wait for braces to actually be put on. ARGH. let's get done with it already man!!!!


i keep lou-fong-ing while speaking. and it sucks. i never had the problem with my teeth intact.

in any case, i'm feeling rather fed up with things happening around me. maybe it's the night. maybe it's the slight build up of expectations again. maybe it's the feeling of disappointment. maybe it's the feeling of nothing to do that makes me annoyed.


i hate my life feeling so empty.


i grew up dreaming to live a life filled with colours and activity and people and events. i don't want to give up this dream.

i'm not chasing after a rainbow in the sky. i want to make this come true.





the 8 blue rubberbands stuck in between my teeth are kinda cool. cannot close my mouth shut totally. and i've gotten addicted to play with them. grinding my teeth so that the rubberbands touch each other. wierd feeling. but a feeling i've gotten used to. i guess braces will be almost the same feeling. =X





it's so irritating cos' i haven't been "booked" by anyone for a very long time.
i miss so many people. times will never go back to what they used to be.
maybe it's time to get used to that.


habits can be broken. they just need time.

back from glorious hols.

MUAHAHAHAHA.

god, imagine 5 days non-stop of seeing monz everyday. would you die? I DIDN'T. i deserve some credit for that.

then again, i've been seeing her for almost 7 YEARS. i'm a GOD.



im back from genting and KL. =) happpppppyyyy!!~

holidays and vacations really are something i live for. MONZ DEARRRR, WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN!!!


*grins*


pictures will be up soon. have JIELIN's VERSION and MONZ'S version, to ensure that we don't miss anything out. =p


many things happened in that trip lah. let's see.

the coach ride was ok. long but comfy. got alot leg space. CAN STRETCH. got tv and really good movies. yays! photo-whored. talked. napped abit. slacked around. laughed at ourselves. made acquanintance with uncles and bus drivers. HAHAHA. got one auntie though i was her friend's daughter. tsktsk.

as both of us expected, the two of us were the youngest people there. and yea, the only two girls travelling alone. pretty risky i'll say, but it added alot more corny moments and well, bond us. =) quite a few people exclaimed when they knew we were travelling alone. hahaha. hell alot fun. =)


damn tiring lah. but the adrenalin started to rush when we reached genting finally. COLDDDDD. hahaha. we were the only ones on the coach living in hotel resort, and we had to find our way from hotel first world to hotel resort. quite a distance i must say. but that distance was no kick to us as the hours went by.

dumped our bags at the hotel after checking in. (pst: misssion impossible re-enactment =D ) changed for theme park! and shot off to play our hearts out. took my FIRST rollercoaster ride, hated monz the moment she pulled me to join the queue, was still hating her when i was sitting in the carriage. UNTIL the freaking thing dived almost 180 degrees downwards without warning while i was cursing monz, then that hate for her was magnified till infinity. SERIOUSLY. i screamed like hell. lucky only got 3 such dives, if not i think my heart cannot take it already. hahaha. WAH LAU, i could feel my butt lift off the seat can!!! terrifying. but a moment to remember, and in a way, i'm kinda thankful monz made me do it. =)


a couple other rides after that. one memorable one would be the SUPER TOBOGGAN. not terrifying in a butt lift-off way, but in a way whereby you cannot control your speed and find yourself whizzing through man-made tunnels(which didn't look very stable and serviced) in man-made plastic carts. VERY SCARY. the starting was ok, but as the speed picked up, you find yourself siam-ing the walls of the tunnels cos' you are merely inches away from touching them. EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY must siam the walls. very bumpy. hahaha. got a couple of or-cheh lah. =X but fun nonetheless.


sat the tea cup ride. got all dizzy and nauseous from it. everyone else turning slowly, we were frantically spinning ourselves with every energy we have. must maximise the ride mah. =p took the water rides too. remember the ride in "It started with a kiss" whereby zhishu and the girl had their wedding??? hahaha. it's SUPER DECEIVING. damn tiring one lor. hahaha. me and monz pedalled until want to die liao. hahaha.


ohhhh. my first archery game! i played twice actually. improve! YAYSSSS. my frist game of ten arrows didn't have any shots which actually bullseyed. but my second game had!!! and 9 arrows were in the coloured regions! i'm damn talented lah.

my first bowling game in genting indoor amusement park also. late night entertainment for me and monz. hahaha. i didn't know how to play bowling, i swear! but my first throw was a strike! *GASPS* hahaha. i damn shocked myself. beginners luck lah. freaking funny night. two dumplings all wrapped up from the cold and to avoid lecherous guys from hitting on us, one jay chou lookalike and one boy. monz's constant drain-throws and billard game that went wrong. =X late night slacking never felt so good. =)

left genting the next afternoon to go KL. woahhhh. adrenalin pumping again. dumped our bags at the hotel ancasa and zoomed right out to midvalley megamall. WOAHHHHH. shopped till we dropped. and we had our personal limo driver can! WAHHHH. spoilt brat us. =p made friends with hotel security guard, the driver Maha and the limo counter guy(monz is deeply in love with him). and the bellboy is kinda cute. =p Maha even calculated the time we spent at MVMM, which rounded off to about 8 hours(he says). hahah. crazy one lor. he's really friendly lah, very nice. told us what to look out for in chinatown, whereby we headed to after returning to the hotel to dump our shopping bags.

NO REST!!! damn tired one lor. but shopping is freaking addictive. and the prices and bargaining make it all worthwhile. but the wolfwhistles and calls of "leng mui" and constant hounding and wierd smiles and bio-ing looks at the two of us made us pretty uncomfy with the guys there. *shrugs* but it's ok lah. we were pretty safe, all thanks to monz and her bright orange whistle. i have a black one lor! don't know where it is only. hahahah.

ancasa hotel, not that bad really. though losing slightly to hotel resort in terms of facilities, but the service provided makes up for everything it lacks in outlooks. =) i won't mind going there again. located pretty stragetically. but must try other places! =D

KL got food junction also! surprising. felt like we were back in singapore eating our lunch/early early dinner there. =D

pity for my extraction, for there were indeed alot food i would love to eat. much heartfelt appreciation and thanks to monz darling for tolerating my restricted diets and soft-food meals. =) LOVE YOU BABE, REMEMBER THAT. but somehow, this trip was dominated by shopping instead of food. monz, next time we must go there chiong again! one year at least once ok!!!! =) super cannot wait. exciting trip, it was.

bought lotsa stuff. had lotsa laughs and scares. thrilling all in all i'll say. the ride home wasn't as comfy. the dumb bus although luxurious as it looks, has stupid aircon system blasting the window seats with cold air at your feet and at your head. wah kau, headache within 10 mins. sick for the rest of the ride. didn't get off to grab bites at stops. slept and slept and avoided the cold air for the entire ride. extremely torturous. =( never felt so glad to see singapore soil again.

vacations always makes me reluctant to leave the host country, yet eager to be back to homeland. tension of opposites.

KL rained when we left.

monz:"see lah! KL is crying to for us as we leave. hahah."

monz had a couple of quote worthy statements. tsk.

mostly inside jokes. =D

"cocoooooon homeeee." -_-'''

"look! EH-LEE!(ELLE) let's go in!" =DDD

"isn't this song sung by m2m?"
"no lah! it's by monica2monica!!"

-_-''''''''






aiyeeeeee!! monz ah monz. after 7 years, i still am alive. =p


packing bags to prepare for return to singapore from KL was a nightmare. stuffing, hiding and more stuffing. throwing away what's not required, excess plastic bags, monz hiding her PIRATED STUFF and me rolling up my tees. i had two slings bags slung one on each side that made me look like a juvenile terrorist lah. wah biang. I AM NOT LOR. hahaha. plus one shoe bag and one bag of foodstuffs. monz had one SUPER HUGE addidas sportsbag which can fit a kid's body inside plus one sling bag and one bag of foodstuff. all compressed. hahahah. and we didn't kenna any checks for looking suspicious! =p

sigh. at customs back to singapore was SUPERRR long. our queue had extremely guai-lan *&$#@%$#@ people. i agree with monz for not liking type 1 and type 2 people. sigh, especially when i bad mood ah! they get on my nerves with their behaviours. grrrr. not trying to be racist here.

really grateful for all the people who have helped us on our trip to genting and Kl. people who guided us and helped us to fnd our way when we were slightly lost. people who made things easier for us and pointed out stuff for us to take note of. people who took care of us, seeing that we were two young girls travelling alone without parental guidance. thanks alot to those people. they really made our trip so much more enjoyable. =)


one entry cannot summarise everything that happened on the trip. sigh. memories.


one thing is for sure, i want to do this more often. travelling really adds colours and juice to an otherwise dry and boring life. =X

and it's really cool when you do new things and new sports everytime you travel. hahaha. REALLY. learning experience in a whole new dimension. independent travelling. you, me. =)

------------

on a lighter note(i think), i've got 2 teeth plucked out already. traumatising experience. painless throughout. but very testing on the nerves. the dentist took 25mins to take out 2 of my fucking teeth. wah lau. turn, twist, pull, change pliers FOUR times, used TWO syringes of anesthesia and he rested in between. LOL. my teeth damn stubborn.

the pain afterwards was killing. almost died at home. blood and soggy, disgusting gauzes that had to be changed. saliva leaking out and constant wiping with tissues. swallowing of saliva tinged with hints of blood. very vomit-inducing. ARGHHHS.

to think that i have 2 more to go next tuesday. then braces. I CAN DO IT.


128k, you owe me a treat. =D


cannot eat a lot of food from now on. saddening. sighh. but i can survive this. take it as a chance to diet and slim down lah. hahaha. not bad excuse. =) and well, by the end of 3 years, turn out much prettier with nice nice smile and teeth! yayyyy. =)


most of all, with your support, i am stronger. =) thank you darling.




my dentist who did the extraction looked like "My Love Patzzi" 's SPECTACLE GUY lah!!! oh my oh my. pity my eyes were closed throught out the entire ordeal. only got to see his wonderful, charming smile at the end of the procedure. i hope i get him next time! at least he is rather gentle and sweet. =)


------------------
damn tired. unpacked all my stuff finally. uploading the pics. links should be up in the next few days. =p don't blame me if i never bought gifts for everyone! =X it's really hard to shop for specifics i realised. unless i see something and think of you, you are not getting it. apologies!




wonder what colour braces i should get first. white? to get used to it. =p

i like black on my nails. black coloured pedicured nails i mean. looks quite nice against the ghastly pale skin i have now. =(


genting is super cold. KL is super hot. hah.




now, i have one more month to kill till school starts. =X

my first.

my first flipflops from newurbanmale.



proud of myself. hahahah. damn expensive though. =X



wah damn tired.

anyway, i got a question for everyone.


How does it feel like to be in love?

POG

i'm a POG--Pissed Off Girl.

don't ask why.



anyway, tuition was good. i realised i'm damnnnnn slack. hahah, it gets easier week by week. maybe because i exerted more of my stern-ness today. hahah, then the kids were asking "'cher! why you so strict today?"

*shrugs* sorry guys, but i have things to teach..realised that i REALLY have to start balancing being their playmate and teacher. =X won't be teaching for long already i think. unless i continue teaching the following year. see how lah. sigh. somehow, i've grown attached to the pri 6 and pri 5 kids. REALLY. it's....wierd. but ya lah, i kinda like them. no matter how annoying they are. how crazily loud they scream and yell. how they behave like monkeys and climb onto the tables and chairs, or even crawl underneath.

even as they play hide and seek while i am coaching the rest. or gossiping amongst themselves. giggling girls. protesting boys. and the ONE THING they agree on--LESS WORK. better still, NO WORK. hahahha.

tsktsk. maybe they remind me of myself.







yesterday night was full of nostalgia with pictures back at SA. hockey pictures to be exact. sigh. i love SAINTS HOCKEY. really. i miss all of them. i miss trainings. boss. coach. all the shit and all the laughter.





anyhow, met up with monz after tuition. hahaha. don't know why, but everytime monz and i go out, it's alternate turns of being late. SO IRRITATING! so ok, today was my turn. dammit.

she hopped onto my train. realised it's the first time this week we met each other. busy busy. headed to chinatown.

both of us felt like freaking tourists there. seriously. quite bad. hahahah. we scouted for ALL the tour agencies and kop-ed alot flyers. then we lost our way because we couldn't differentiate between chinatown COMPLEX and chinatown CENTRE.

-_-'''


walked in circles. had to ask for directions from uncles and aunties. hahahah.


our necks ached from looking up continuously to check what agency is promoting what hotspots.


FINALLY, we plonked our asses down and assessed our flyers one by one. it was like...

"so we want XXX agency not?"
"don't want lah! never heard before one! no advertisement also! later anything wrong cannot sue them leh!"
-shove XXX agency flyers to discarded pile-

"then AAA location leh?"
"aiyo..we got THREE locations leh. how???!"
"wait wait..we settle the agency first lah! YYY or ZZZ better??"

"see price lah!!"
"see their package!!"


the discussion went on for like 45 mins. damn tiring. my eyes were blurring from seeing the small prints.


then we went to chinatown CENTRE's YYY agency. but the person at the counter didn't seem to understand english very well, hence not understanding our questions very well. so we headed to chinatown COMPLEX's YYY agency. the person there more or less same frequency with monz and i. hahahah.

booked our trip!
i'll be leaving on wednesday morning(OH GOD HELP ME. i need to wake up.) to genting, then sunway lagoon. yups! returning friday night i think. 3 days 2 nights. hahahah. EXCITING.

=D YAY. my first road trip with 80 yr old bond friend. YEA MAN. hahaha. it IS scary to think about. two of us only. we will need alot of aunties or uncles to help us. =X hope we meet nice people. need to rely alot on each other for this trip. =p hahah. i think it'll be crazy. really mad.

i'll pray from tuesday onwards. firstly hoping my extraction will not complicate things. ARGH. i must go this trip. then praying that BOTH of us will wake up on time to catch the stupid coach.

hahahh! imagine two girls with no sense of time at all.


not very bright looking eh?




=X


anyway, chinatown is crazy. i think monz and i were one of the younger people there. =X and monz saw this wierd guy recording us using his hp. wtf. i didn't even see lah. WTF.

if only she told me earlier, i would have went up and kicked up. seriously. what is wrong with him???



arghhh. bus-ed home. was feeling rather blue due to certain stuff.

realised, sometimes i take too many things to myself. i keep all the anger to myself. i blame myself for things that happen. no wonder i end up hating myself. maybe....it's time i start showing my anger freely. showing that i CAN be angry too, not just so fair-natured always.

maybe...i should just start demanding more.





damn full. today....TAKE NOTE.
TODAY, is the FIRST TIME, monz and i ate at a HAWKER CENTRE.


WHOAAAAAA!!!!

hahahahh. no more restaurants! THREE CHEERS TO US! =ppp


can't wait for the trip. next week is going ot be crazyyyy! =)


sometimes, i'm just glad i have friends like monz around. yet...she won't be schooling with me. sigh. missed.


nainai, jiayou too! u are very lucky, so much treasure this guy ok! =) i support you. linlin wants to see her ah gong liao. hahah. cannot wait for u to come back to singapore. BOREDDDD.


going to ask for jobs soon. need to be occupied.

long entry. sorry.

cute guy alert.

SERIOUSLY, getting damn high and going gaga over a cute guy with a good friend is a spectacle to outsiders. hahaha. overall, both you and your friend will end up looking quite stupid.

yeah, quite.



anyways, i spotted a cute guy on the train today on the way home. DAMN. the train doors opened and i saw him. OH GOD.

YES HUIFANG, I ALSO GOT EYE CONTACT WITH HIM OK.

hahahahha.


ok. i know i shouldn't be gushing. but that guy was...CUTE.

really. trust me. can fight with my ah beng liao. hahahha.

NICE LEGS. TALL(his head almost hit the celing of the mrt can!). TANNED. and well, good-looking lah.

sighhh. pity though. i think he's attached. hahaha. knowing that your eye candy is attached kinda spoils the fun. hahaha.

oh wells, he alighted at ORCHARD. and we only got on at RAFFLES PLACE. =( sad.







friday nighters ended up with me, turks, shar and yarn only. hahaha. but food at newton was not bad. damn full.
CHOP seats was an unglam sight.
don't know who pushed me towards the empty table the moment i mentioned that i saw an unoccupied table.

"QUICK JIELIN QUICK! GO CHOP!!"

-_-'''


i think the people nearby surely think i'm some super auntie.


slacked and talked. kinda savouring the feeling of eating food without worries and difficulties.

sigh. cannot be wavered about braces anymore. i believe it's better for me in the long run. and my vamps will still be intact, only they won't protude lah. i'll still go on my nightly vamping hunts. heh.


soon, everyone will be goin separate ways. scary. wonder when we'll meet up again and chill out as friday nighters. =X






sometimes i think i'm REALLY unreasonable. sigh. i should just try to UNDERSTAND MORE.

it's all about UNDERSTANDING. yea.





tired. so many things unconfirmed. arghs. life's killing me.

random again again.

my sister kenna seduced by singapore idol's JAY LIM. wahahahha.


okok. joking lah, in case she sees this entry. =p


hmmmm. actually, both of us kinda smitten by jonathan lah. HEART-THROB. =)



i'm like addicted to the channel 8 show at 9pm everyday. SUPER.
hahahah. dramaaaa.
my ah beng rocks! i loveee his eyes. cute meter: 8/10.
julian hee ok lahhh. he looks slightly like abulldog though. something wrong with his eyes. hahahah.
rui en not pretty..but she's a genuinely nice character in the show. overly nice. but..well, not her fault lah. is ppl ard her take advantage of her kindness. tskkk.
felicia chin. my "idol". but now i think i hate her liao. ahhhh!!! so horrible!
michelle saram. i don't want to see her again. hate her since last time, hate her still. cannot stand her face. ARGH.



and shar, my drama counterpart ALSO watches the show. hahahah. it's darn funny how we bitch about the show and the characters. =p

and go all emo over them. hahah.



*shrugs*
might be going genting..cheap!
same day as extraction though. pluck out morning, going at night. hope nothing wrong lah. gotta convince parents though. they scared i kenna fever and infection there and die i think. hahahha.

sigh. actually i'm afraid too. but i'll try to think positively. =)

missing you, 128K. UPGRADED LIAO.


this week will be the last week you guys will see me with my full set of 28 teeth! =) missing 2 next week. and another two the week after.
sigh.

horror.

faith.

it's all about faith.
and i have faith.
=)


well, to update, i'm getting my extractions next tuesday.
yays to me.
good lucks. note the S.

fucking scared.
dentistphobia. don't know called what. but yea, i'm scared.
*shrugs*
will try not to think about it. yaman.


friday nighters this week! newton!!
hahahha. reminds me of novena. another place i've never been to.
but the food there should be darn good.
my last heavenly food before braces?
=X




i wonder why everyone fears dentist.
i mean, generally lah. i'm sure there are people who don't. maybe cos' we don't go to the dentist that often.
maybe when i start frequenting it, it'll be chicken feet liao lah.

maybe it's the scene of lying vulnerable on the patient's chair, and the evillll dentist wielding tools(read: drills and pliers etc) and..well, senseless images. hahaha. gory?

rahhhhhhh!

JIELIN NOT SCARED OF DENTIST.



ya?


wah biang eh.


if only i could live in romance forever. =)

oh freak.

i think i'm starting to feel jealousy.

this really is CRAZY.

you know i hate feeling like this possessive freak.

ok..further details would be too obvious. journal time. =X

ok scratch that.

i was in a super duper horrid mood yesterday.
scratch that entire previous entry.
sigh..outbursts can really be so hurting sometimes.

i'm sorry...


just that..well..
okok, in short, i'm contented now.
no more demands from me.
no more expectations.
i'll be fine lah.
=)


friday nighters/nighties/nightsters/eaters outing today was good.
funny.
card tricks.
*MAGIC*
steamboated which left me SUPER full..
then island creamery.
nice. yums. =)

tired man..
shall go rest..

sigh.

it's so hard to understand one day.
at the start of the day, you can be SUPERRRR happy, giggling, roaring with laughter, wiping the tears from your eyes and trying to keeo your jaws closed.

the end of the day, u might already be struggling to give yourself a simple smile and say that everything's alright.


the dental appointment's good. gonna go back next week tuesday to get my records done. sigh. good luck to me and my teeth.

oh ya, my dentist is pretty! hahaha. but mama says that female dentists suck at extraction. dammit. i don't want she to pluck halfway then go "UH-OH. it's stuck. i no strength to pull out leh."


wtf. i'll just die there.
4 extractions in total. one tooth $50. shit lor. so expensive.
but i'll be retaining my vamp teeth.
hahaha.

oh well, planning to get it done before sch starts.


bugis-ed with monz. damn hiong. hahaha. ate at ajisen(sucked) for lunch. talked. then neoprint-ed TWICE. omg damn broke. but the pictures are freaking hilarious. hahahha. monz suck at designing can. so obvious which is done by me, which is hers. hahaha!! but i think we are becoming the neoprint pros lor! =p



FINALLY, began our shopping at 4 lah. wts. hahaha. almost 1 hour plus at that neoprint shop. darn addictive.

bought stuff for school. heh. quite broke.
bought something for him.

hope he'll like it.
hole in pocket. sadded.



sighhh. oh wells. i really should stop being so nice..and trying to make pple smile, when they can't be bothered to make my day.

somethings and some people just aren't worth it.




don't know lah. i just want to be happy.
girls ARE meant to be pampered at times.
and guys can be so thick in the head they don't know it even when you're HINTING darn obvious already.
some guys(don't wanna generalise).



fucked up now.
cannot think lah.
better off not thinking right.



maybe this is all a huge mistake.
maybe i AM better off alone.
maybe i'm a lousy _ _.
maybes.


is it freedom that you want?
are you sure i'm the one you want?
am i a mistake for you?
it's not too late to pull out now..

i don't want you to face regrets in the future...


i'm really tired.
i just want to be happy.
why do i always shun those who are willing to give me happiness, yet attracted towards those who choose to care less about me?

i'm really dumb.

but i follow my heart.
and it hurts, sometimes.


i need to SEE that you care. i can feel. i can hear the words you say.
but like they always say: actions speak louder than words.


no energy to write in my journal anymore..
sick..

letter.teeth.shopping.random.

got my letter from SIM finally.
accepted into arts in communications studies.

it's gonna be a tough ride.
i'm not taking this for leisure or for fun.

it's $58,000++ i'm talking about here.
it's a fucking large truckload of money.

which makes me stressed.
sure, i do want to start campus and schooling life again.
sure, i am full of anticipation of the new people i'll meet.
it's going to be a very un-school-school.
hahaha. nai nai you'll prolly get what i mean.

=)
really happy to know that there is someone i know, a face i can smile at on the first day of school. we shall brave this together. and be the bestest of friends again! hahahah. no worries man, you want to go crazy, i'm here lah!! =p



starting school 28th august.

hmmmm. i need to get my forms done. grrrr.


not yet gotten my dental consultation at NDC. the more i look at m teeth, the more i smile at the mirror and catch a glimpse of that familiar smile..the more i hesitate.
i've grown up with this set of teeth. i am proud of them. i do not think they are ugly. but i'm doing this...don't ask me why..

sometimes..i don't even understand myself.

i'll miss my old smile. i definitely would.
and i wonder again, when would i smile again.
hahah..


i need alot of assurance, and who can i get it from?




going to conquer bugis one of the days this week with monz. hahaha. LOADS OF THINGS TO BUY. back to school really. shiooook.

and i need a temporary job. like really soon. grrr. i need a job-seeking partner that's all. =(
kill time. earn extra bucks. meet more people. get my mind off things. gain experience.
make my days=$$ instead of ZERO.




i find it so hard to verbalise words in my brain to words coming out from my mouth. so hard. and i find it even harder to express what i really feel or think.

why am i holding back?




i could lie just by your side, and time would seem to stop. i wouldn't have a care in the world, and i could just lie there quietly. because you are by my side. and that's what really counts.


time. no longer something i can take for granted.

i seem to be having mood swings recently.
everytime i do, i think...and i realise the reason is you. and you.


i'm not made for relationships. it tires me out.
but i'm trying. in every aspect.
for those little packets of happiness i'll enjoy. =)


because you must know the hurt and the pain, before you start to appreciate the love and the care.

minor details. simple gestures.




those who wander might not be lost.



how's everyone? i seem to have lost touch with the world. and i fear that i'll lose even more when the school term starts.
like yun ma said...friends come and go. few stay.
look at the people around you...are they truly the ones who stay by your side? or are they merely fair companions. same class. same clique. same cca. you all come together for the same reason. so when this reason is gone, does this friendship go too?



i've been seeking answer to this question for some time. i hate to admit. but i am a victim of such.
and a do-er of it.

it's so hard to treasure, when they are right before you. yet when all is lost, then you regret.
humans. dumb bunch of asses.

decision.

ok..so i made a decision.


i getting braces.


for my teeth. yea.
impulsive decision i must say. but it's a decision i mhave to make sooner or later.

not so much of short term already. long term health for my teeth and gums, and also image ba.


not that braces is damn hip. but at least i get to choose the colour of it! quite fun can!

cons..of course have. sigh. pain. pain. pain.
cannot speak properly.
cuts on lips/insides of mouth.
expensive.
ulcers.
image?(this could work both ways. i've heard some guys like girls with braces....-_-''')


pros.
health reasons for gum and teeth.
otucome will be almost close to perfect.
pleasant smile! *BEAMS*
erm.
yea.


pretty much so.

dunno man.
i've taken far too long to make this decision.
2 years..

i'm just dreading the process.
but i'll survive lah.
=)


better late than never right?


i'll miss my vampire teeth though.
4 teeth will be pulled out.
i doubt i'll live thru' the blood loss and pain.
but i shld be able to.
heh.


my vamp teeth.
white ass cannot call me vamp liao.
sigh.

darn.
i think the only things i'll miss abt my teeth are the two sharp vampire teeth and my smile.


and those two things are damn important to me.

conflicting doubts.


i cannot waver man.
make the decision and stick to it. =(

maybe i can request for them to choose which teeth to pull out.
HAHAHAHA.



going NDC tml.

=(

i found out today that i cannot play pool for nuts.

i'm seriously damn lousy at it.
gonna secretly practice downstairs at my pool room.
hahahahah.

but i think the quality of stuff there quite lousy liao.


anyways, pictures for sandwich and scooter outing will be out most prolly tml.
shutterfly.

hahahah.

shar is damn pro can! if yahoo pool can have such power to train her until like that, i might just try that. =p

the two sandwiches also not bad man.

had a relatively good time lah. =)



oh wells. i'm looking forward to pasar malam-ing with my evil sista!

muahahahha.

but seriously, being evil sucks.
the guilt hits hard afterwards.
i'm trying so hard not to create false hopes.
sigh.

it's hard not to take advantage of his nice-ness.
but i know i cannot.

my heart tells me otherwise.
it'll still stray back to where it truly belongs.
i'm just scared that the opposite's heart says otherwise.

so fucking hard to overcome everything.
but it's so worth it just listening to his voice or reading his msges. =)

heaven! is a place i go to often.
hehe.


aiyoooo, GROW HAIR GROWWWWW!

average girl.

adapted from AQMFS:

"i'm just an average girl. my love life should be average too. this is too much for me to take.."



sigh. and i heard from shar that xiao bei is only 17yrs old!
wth.
i feel darn old.
and poor.



sigh.
just tell me what the fuck to do.

it's so hard.

sometimes, it's so hard to write my inner feelings on my blog.
knowing that there are people reading it.
i finally realised that a blog is afterall a website on the world wide web.
like it or not, people read it.

these days, i prefer privacy.
privacy for the random thoughts that cross my mind.
my insecurities.
my worries.
my troubles.


i realised i am staying up later and later. unable to sleep regardless of the fatigue my mind and body is facing.

fatigue from thinking too much.

these thoughts, i hardly tell anyone.


only my journal knows best.

these days, i do not feel like updating my blog at all.
the chore of sensoring my perceptions and beliefs, reminding myself to be discreet about certain stuff, unable to be my true self.

the need to entertain.
the need to keep the weak side of me behind masks.


i'm feeling so vulnerable right now.
it'll be a short period of time.

i need to regain my strength.
start to believe in the words that i tell myself everyday--i am strong.


i need the drive, the determination and the courage to fight for my goals and my dreams.
face all odds and lose the conformity.
brave the obstacles and embrace the unfamiliarity.
and...feel the fear again.


--------
on a side note...i was on the bus home today..and i was thinking..

when someone close to you passes away..what do you expect?
i would expect the world around me to stop revolving..because someone i love is gone. it's supposed to be the end of the world, right?

you expect people to pause their lives to take in the grief and the pain. beacuse that's what's happening in your life.
you tell yourself to be strong. to be brave. to hold back your tears after sometime. because you realise so many people DO care. yet you cannot help it but cry.

at this point of time, will i feel regret?
i'll like to tell myself i won't want to feel the remorse, of not being able to spend time with the people i love.
yet...i cannot say that, because i do at times, take people and relationships for granted.


i keep holding back words and actions i want to express. all because i'm not a very physically expressive person..

will i regret? is it time for me to change?

---------------

it's so hard to say you understand..when you've not gone through it at all.

so..don't say you understand, unless you truly do.

--------------

i'll be here..one of your pillars of support.
you know i'm always here.
sometimes, i don't know what to say, how to feel, how to react.
all i can say is the very cliche phrase: i am here if you ever do need me.

helplessness.
i'm sorry.
-------------

so exhausted myself.
gotta be strong.