Wednesday, November 30, 2005

busy.

been busy with stuff.
like watching tv. (soccer, movies, variety shows etc)
helping out at ma's and getting minimal pay.
experimenting my new phone.
getting paler and paler.
fatter and fatter.
older and older.
yet, QUITE financially ok.



what does this means??!?!?!
I NEED TO SHOP.
what the hell. everyday go out until no clothes to wear liao can.
ROARRRRRRRR!!!



hahahaha. anyway. the phone caused me quite some trouble. had to go to the service centre(yes, that one yunny and i went to play with the video phones) to repair my phone. they gave me a new battery(1st time), then after that a whole new set of phone(2nd time). tiring. had to make so many trips. i hate queuing! hahahah. pampered lah.




"she don't like peanuts lah." (jie)
"yaa..i only like cashew nuts." (me)
"wahhh. high class nuts leh. high class person." (ma)


-_-'''

i hope that translates to me being able to hold the position of a taitai. wahahahaha!



found really cool stuff for my phone.
BUT i seriously need a handphone strap.
the day i LOSE my handphone, or DROP it, or SPOIL it. i'm gonna die.
yea.


so guys, if you see a really nice handphone strap that's affordable, please tell me! :)


tml going for the tuition thingy. need to be briefed and stuff. seriously, i am quite freaked out. it's my first time teaching. and to a FREAKING BIG CLASS. i'm gonna hyperventilate.

i'm scared cos' i don't want parents yelling at me. i'm scared cos' i don't know whether i will be a good teacher and liked by my students. i'm scared cos' of so many things.

this is why i can NEVER be a teacher. plus i don't really like the ahemsystemahem.


lunch at syaffy's house was GOOD. actually good maybe a little vague. YUMMILICIOUS!!! (better word) hahahah. yums. enjoyed myself. took a few pictures. some taken in the living room were not by me. but those of her pretty little cousins were obviously by me. WAHAHAHAHA! :P and it's NOT child porn ok. wth. i feel so insulted. :D at least should be ahemzihaoahem who scared them so much! :P *grins*

















ok. i hereby declare, by dieting plans have failed terribly.
must reinforce them AGAIN. cannot take it. fat until can explode.

AND PLEASEEEEE, someone ask me out on a date can! to SHOP!!! :D
best not on saturdays though. cos' i would have tuitioning. =)

so much to do. so little time. and so little energy. so tired now. need sleep. need exercise. need tan. working has deprived me of exercise, and i lack the sunlight.
gonna wilter and die. save meeeeee.


i'm glad everything's fine again. :)


hahahaha.
i learnt what is "chocolate friend" today.
best friend is indeed a good chocolate friend. :P

ok. sorry. brief and short post.
anyway, please call me instead of sms-ing now. hahahaha. cos' i got free in-coming. *GRINS*
but of cos', sms is fine lah. heheh.
just must make my incomings worthwhile.


ok. till the next time!
:)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

ifs.

if you were invisible, what would you do?














happened to look at a newspaper article in the chinese papers today. i saw what i did not really agree with. it was about teachers.

basically, it seems, according to the report, that parents are not happy to see their kids' teachers buy 4D/toto.

like ?!?!?!

and worse, teachers are not supposed to dress improperly. meaning no revealing midriffs. no short sleeves. no short skirts. no tight blouses. etc etc, you get the idea.

no dying hair either.

perhaps i get it if they say teachers are not allowed to smoke in school. that is totally understandable. imagine...


-students in toilet smoking-
-teacher goes to toilet to sneak a smoke-
"wahhh! ho sei! so many people, come come! let's smoke together!"


well, it could be vice versa.


perhaps they think gambling, ie. buying toto/4D may influence the teens in the school to gamble too. *shrugs* i just think it's wierd lah. where got teachers announce to their students anxiously that they just bought 4D and praying for themselves to strike it rich, and therefore don't have to be teachers anymore.

or that a teacher announce proudly to their classes that they just won, say $10000000 million dollars just by buying 4D?

c'mon lah. TEACHERS DON'T EVEN WANT TO TELL US THEIR SALARY CAN.



ok, i'm speculating lah.

about dressing, i'm not very sure. maybe they scared that female teachers dress too revealing then the male students get *erhemm* in class??!

or maybe female students get silly crushes on their male teachers who don tight shirts and pants.


oh god. the male teachers descriptions do make me recall certain individuals i came to know in my 2 years in erhemjcerhem.

BUT, that aside, i must claim that they can throw their worries aside. because, i daresay, most, MOST teachers are not THAT good-looking to cause swooning to occur YET. and besides, teachers DO have poor sense of dressing MOST of the time. i think they are too busy marking our terrible scripts and such..no time to care, maybe no one to dress up for also?

besides, all the teachers i've known so far(minus linda chan from erhemrverhem who is super duper freaking hot and pretty) are appropriately dressed! :)

fear no more parents. fear no more.

as for teachers, i think to dress revealing may be out of the question. you would want your students to pay attention to what you are teaching instead of being distracted by something. *grins*

just dress respectably lah. :) smart and neat is good. not sloppy please. sloppy gives bad impressions. (unless you are erhem a certain ah beng teacher i know erhem who looks GOOD looking like an ah beng)

ok. totally taboo topic. and i'm praying no teachers will chance upon this blog.

i didn't really go in depth lah don't worry. alot thoughts still within me.

i shall go have my yummilicious dinner now! :)

marshy and bishi, please tell me when you guys can make it for the outing ok?? :D cannot wait to SHOP TILL I DROP!!!! *GRINS*






if i were invisible, i would do what i always dared not do. and i'm not telling you what.

yipee!

I'VE GOT A NEW PHONE.
ALONG WITH A NEW PLAN.
A NEW FREAKING 3G PHONE!
CAN YOU LIKE BELIEVE IT???
COST MY PA A BOMB. =(
HE GOT THREE FREAKING SETS OF THAT SAME 6680 FOR ME, HIM AND JIEX.
OMFG.
I FEEL SO GUILTY.
=(
I HAD BETTER REPAY HIM WHEN I GROW UP AND EARN MONEY.
I BETTER.
OR NOT MAY LIGHTNING STRIKE ME 124838473285 TIMES TILL I DIE.
I'M SERIOUS.


SO ANYWAY. NUMBER IS THE SAME. BUT PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO CALL ME WHENEVER YOU WISH TO TALK TO ME.
REALLY. JUST CALL ME.

=D

WAHAHAHAHA!!

OK ENOUGH GUSHING.
DAMN THIS PHONE IS HARD TO FIGURE OUT.
SO MANY FREAKING FUNCTIONS I THINK I CAN USE THEM TILL I GO TO WORK OK.

AND IT'S SO COOL THAT 3 OF US HAVE THE SAMEEEE PHONE! :)
HAHAHAHAH.

AND SINGAPORE WON 1-0! WOO HOO!
PS: LIONEL LEWIS ROCKS MY SOCKS! =P

AND I'VE GOT A CAMERA PHONE AT LAST.
BUT LET' NOT FORGET THE BELOVED PERSONALISED BY ME PHONE OF 3315!
NEVER EVER SHALL THY SUFFER UNDER THE AUTO RESTART ABILITIES AGAIN.
BUT 3315 HAS SERVED ME WELL.
I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE UNDER IT.
BUT APPARENTLY I SURVIVED.
AND I'M PROUD OF ME, AND IT!
IT'S STILL WITH ME BY THE WAY, COS' I THOUGHT TRADING IT WOULD BE IDIOTIC.
IT COST ONLY A MERE $10! =(
MY HANDPHONE COVER IS $8 CAN!
HAHAHAHA.
SO I KEPT IT.


OK. OFF I GO.
I'M IN LOVE.
SO IN LOVE.
CALL ME MY DARLINGS!
=D

Saturday, November 26, 2005

hmmm.

i know i've been gone for quite some time.
been rather busy and lazy to update on my life, and i've been thinking real lot lately.

just wondering what i want out of this.

firstly, must thank those who have been concerned about me and asked after me. i appreciated it. and those who left me time alone to think over things, i appreciate it more. =)

everything's fine. at least now it seems to be so. i've been trying to avoid writing in this place, avoiding what i think is the root of all troubles.

i know. i know how much joy blogging has brought to me, how much sorrows it has brought along in tow too.

i am fully aware of this. and i question my purpose and consequence of these actions. every single minute i was gone. i have no answer. and i probably will never get one.






been working for my mum. child labour lah. earn money less than work in mac. hahahaha! but nvm lah. helping out is fun. and i get to see so many taitais, plus really cmi aunties. *grimace*

watching tv late into the nights. awoken by sickening drilling form neighbours. then rush to change and get ready go to work with ma. eat lunch. work. go home. eat dinner. watch tv. read book. slack. sleep. wake up.

yea. tiring cycle. hope got activities soon ah. but no money how to conduct my activities??! :P sigh. and of cos', people to conduct my activities with. =X

ok lah. nothing much i want to say.

till then. bye.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

.

of all people. you, you know who you are, you hurt me the most.

coming from someone i had truly treated as a friend. i don't know why you said those words. truth i know. to spite me?

do you know what happened behind all those "black" faces i had? do you know the root of it all?

i'm a real person. i show my emotions out. i'm happy i am happy. i'm angry, i am pissed. i am troubled, i'm stressed. i hardly hide any feelings from me face.

perhaps this is why i've made so many tolerate my faces.

but i did not ask for people to put on masks just to make me happy. never. especially not friends. i thought when you asked about me, you truly cared, and not just asking just to make me happy. when i said i was fine, i truly wanted some space alone.

whatever i do, i mean it. of cos' there are accidents. like when i accidentally slapped into your eye instead of your face. i truly had apologised. i was in shock too. i had no meant to slap your eye. and i hope you know it. but judging from now, i think nothing i say will help.

i'm not people who say: leave me alone. when i truly wanted some attention. when i say leave me alone, i really meant leave me alone. cos' i needed to think. i needed to think alone.

when i'm pissed, i try not to talk to people. cos' why? later offend people. so people think that's a very "black" face to tolerate. but i know that by speaking out my mind further, i'll cause more hurt. so why try? keep everything inside..

i really thought there was true friendship between us. that bond. i really thought it came a long way. i stood up for you all the while. from the past to now. to push back all the sniggerings from others, to side with you when others smirked at your actions, to applaud you for your talents. i meant every single act from deep down my heart. i thought you knew it. i thought you would do the same thing too. cos' i thought you understood me, and that's what friends are for, aren't they?

i am really hurt. tearing as i write this. it started out meant for someone else. but with no names mentioned. it is not my forte. it is illegal to slam directly at someone, do you not know? i thought, since that the person is not supposed to be reading my blog, it's ok to write it out. is this not an outlet to vent my frustrations and feelings?

i really did not expect anyone to clamour to take the blame whom i was refering to. i did not expect anyone to assume whoever i was writing about, to be themselves.

when i read your blog, i was really crying my eyes out. crying from the hurt inside. each and every sentence. if you intended to hurt me the best way you can, you certainly succeeded. take pride in that, you've hurt me more than anyone else had for the past 2 years.

because you were a true friend to me. i thought it was mutual. i was so wrong...

i'm not pushing the blame to anyone here. i thought i should try to explain myself, even before things got worse. i wanted to salvage this thing, and i wanted to talk to you, until i read your blog. i was fucking crying before i can do anything else.

i never once said i was a happy creature. i made it very clear i am not a happy girl. people who know me well enough should know that. and i never once tried to make people to make me happy. never. i thought when my friends cared, they truly cared. i'm sure thare are genuinely those out there. cos' they know me inside out..and i thought you did too.

when you and her got together, i was overjoyed and prayed for all the best. sure i don't go around exclaiming that, but is silent blessings not enough for you? must i tell you face to face over and over again?

we drifted. i don't know whether it was intentionally or not. but the time we spent together was less. maybe i'm a girl, and you are a guy. maybe you started to detest me. there are a thousand maybes that oyu never tell me. i simply assumed you wanted to spend more time with the rest. i thought too, when this happened, you'll understand everything inside out first, before taking your stand. you used to do that, didin't you?

you didn't bother now.

i know i'm not the most well-liked in class. i do not even try to be. i strive to be as low-profile as possible. trying to close my mouth and not offending people when i can help it. people saw it as "black" face. i really cannot do anything.

people's perceptions are out of my control. and i cannot control yours too. i must say now, from what i've gathered, really am someone insignificant. and that hurts like shit, cos' you were someone huge in my life. i swear over my heart.

there are so many "i really thought" that crossed my mind. but i seem to have thought wrongly...

you mentioned that you don't ever want to see my face again. i shall grant this as your christmas wish. i will try means and ways not to appear infront of you, or her. if it repulses you that much now, i really will try.

i know many people dislike me, i just never thought a friend, you would dislike me too. for i've weathered all criticisms behind your back for you, and never once thought otherwise for my actions.

i fucking tried my very best to cear this up. if nothing else works, i can do nothing already.

although i may not have been the best of friends with her from the start, i truly appreciated all she had done for me throughout my tough patches. i truly did. for one misunderstanding to blow it all, i guess the bond between us wasn't as strong as i thought it was. i guess assuming too much made an ass out of you and me.

for you, it really is tearing me apart as i say this. but if you so do not want to ever speak to me again, then it'll be so. whatever you think now, i cannot change. you have already taken your stand. long time ago, you showed me that you could listen to both sides of the story before assuming who was right or wrong. i appreciated that. but now, you have not heard me yet. you simply took what you saw, what you heard.

it's no time for the blaming game now.

i'm too exhausted from this. i look at the present i had done halfway, and i cannot help but tear again. everything is fucking screwing up and i cannot do anything. all cos' of one miunderstanding. one. to break this friendship.

all cos' i had chosen not to say names.

but if you must know, as you read this. you know i'm refering to you.

eugene and winnie. i'm really sorry for everything, whatever you both think i've done wrong. i don't know what happened, but things just spiralled out of my reach. both of you can continue to hate, or if it's too tiring and bitchy to hate, ignore me for all you want.

for if you choose to hold your stand against me, i cannot oppose the two of you. i just wanna thank you both for everything you've done for me in the past. touched my heart, held my hand, lead me through the darkness.

i just never thought it would end so fast, and wrongly.











ps: wen nee, i know you are reading this. you probably think i do not know you are reading this, but i am. and i want to thank you for everything you've done, cheered me one as i was giving up. you knew my secrets don't you! :) you knew what others don't. and i appreciate that you kept it to yourself. i really do. i hope we seniors and junior team can meet up again! miss you all loads..really man. :)

to everyone who is bewildered, there is nothing i will tell you. for i've not spoken to anyone about this at all. i'm not asking for sympathy or what shit, i'm just trying to salvage what's left.

.

of all people. you, you know who you are, you hurt me the most.

coming from someone i had truly treated as a friend. i don't know why you said those words. truth i know. but just to spite me?

do you know what happened behind all those "black" faces i had? do you know the root of it all?

i'm a real person. i show my emotions out. i'm happy i am happy. i'm angry, i am pissed. i am troubled, i'm stressed. i hardly hide any feelings from me face.

perhaps this is why i've made so many tolerate my faces.

but i did not ask for people to put on masks just to make me happy. never. especially not friends. i thought when you asked about me, you truly cared, and not just asking just to make me happy. when i said i was fine, i truly wanted some space alone.

whatever i do, i mean it. of cos' there are accidents. like when i accidentally slapped into your eye instead of your face. i truly had apologised. i was in shock too. i had no meant to slap your eye. and i hope you know it. but judging from now, i think nothing i say will help.

i'm not people who say: leave me alone. when i truly wanted some attention. when i say leave me alone, i really meant leave me alone. cos' i needed to think. i needed to think alone.

when i'm pissed, i try not to talk to people. cos' why? later offend people. so people think that's a very "black" face to tolerate. but i know that by speaking out my mind further, i'll cause more hurt. so why try? keep everything inside..

i really thought there was true friendship between us. that bond. i really thought it came a long way. i stood upf or you all the while. from the past to now. to push back all the sniggerings from others, to side with you when others smirked at your actions, to applaud you for your talents. i meant every single act from deep down my heart. i thought you knew it. i thought you would do the same thing too. cos' i thought you understood me, and that's what friends are for, aren't they?

i am really hurt. tearing as i wrote this. it started out meant for someone else. but with no names mentioned. it is not my forte. it is illegal to slam directly at someone, do you not know? i thought, since that person is not reading, i might as well type it all out. is it not an oulet to vent my thoughts and feelings? and then, people mistook it for them whom i was refering to.

did you not see the tears in my eyes as i broke down. did you not see me try to turn away from your peering faces, just to try blink back those stubborn crystals from falling out to the public eye. do you knwo the entire story behind me being upset?

every circumstance is different.

i felt maybe you wanted to spend more time with her, with others, so i slowly moved away. talked less. but i secretly hoped we'll come together again, and rebond what i thought was lost. i really thought it was friendship.

but i fucking cried when i saw what you wrote. yes, i stupidly cried. i don't know what's wrong with me..but i had not expected this to happen. to explain myself is totally useless now. everything is blown out of proportions.

i really tried. do you really know? how much do you know me? how much did you try to truly want to know? or did you ask just to make me happy again?

i did not even tell anyone about this entire thing. i did not even utter a word to my closest friends. i did not want to put people in the middle at a loss of what to do. i know how it felt, cos' i've been through it..and it really sucked.

true, i'm not a happy creature. did i even portray that to you in the first place? i made it very clear i am not a happy girl. i do try to be happy. being happy and trying to be happy is two different things. but i don't try to hide any emotions. what you see is what you get.

i don't know how so is this two-faced. i really don't..


you can hate me for all you want now, both of you. i really cannot do anything..or perhaps you won't waste your energy to hate me, but simply to ignore me, and treat me no longer as a friend. for one, i can say that we weren't very very close friends to begin with, but i truly appreciate everything you've done for me. i truly did.

for the other, it hurts alot to let go of this. but since you made it very clear not to want to see my face again, i'll try really hard not to appear infront of you. i'll really try. i'm sorry for whatever i've caused but not intended. i really am...

i've tried to do whatever i can to salvage this. but it really is beyond my control now..

perhaps you'll take pride in knowing, you have succeeded in hurting me alot.


and if you are wondering if i'm ever going to mention any names. here i'm going to say it outloud.

i'm sorry eugene and winnie. i've really done my best to explain myself. and if that's what you assume is happening, then i cannot do much. i really cannot do anything.








ps: i know wen nee, you are reading this, and you probably think i don't know you are reading this. but i really must thank you for your support during my exams period. you don't know how much all those words meant to me. truly, thank you. :) i hope the senior and junior team can meet up soon and catch up on old times yea? cheers, all the best for whatever you do..you really deserve it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

tired.

tired of this shit really. some people can't separate different events from one another.

won't be bothered to comment. misunderstood will become more misunderstood-ed. later kenna slam for the wrong things again.

told zihao i really care who reads my blog cos' i know alot misunderstandings will rise. c'mon! there are MORE THAN ONE similar kind of people in this world. cannot be TWO OR MORE people offend me in the SAME way meh? must be one??! then MUST be YOU? stop imagining so much can.

pissed really.

forget it. later i make things worse again.

might just go off from blogging for a while. really tired of all this misunderstanding in this air. now i understand why my sister says blogs brew alot trouble..especially when points are not made clearly, and people's names are not stated out right. but i really don't want to slam people downright so bitch-ily. it's just that i cannot stand how things turn out. i DO NOT claim to be always the RIGHT one ok. it's just that some things i see, i cannot take it.

fine, turn the rest again me. i don't really care.

if this is what friendship is about, then so be it.

i really have no other methods to make of things now. too much, and i don't wanna think so much. the more i think, the worse things seem to be.


hear one side of the story lah. this is what happens. seriously, now i truly understand the role of the supposedly "justice" figure on court. supposed to uphold justice and give the innocence rights to those who deserve. to hear both sides of the story instead of one, and not be biased and immediately side with that certain individual whom you only heard from.

but we all know, sometimes it's not the INNOCENT who triumphs over the GUILTY. in reality, it's pretty much the lawyers and the evidence that is at hand.

i guess the ball is out of my court.
and i really really care about friends whom may have thought wrongly of me. but what can i do? explain myself? forget it. they already love you to bits.

perhaps they aren't my true friends? i don't know really. but it hurts to think that they aren't. because the sincerity i had towards them EVERY SINGLE FREAKING second was truthful from deep down within my heart, with no mask at all. AT ALL.

i'm tattered and torn inside. i've never felt so wronged. you don't know do you? you assume so happily i was talking about YOU, so you simply just slapped me back on my face.

thanks alot.

i really needed it now.

thanks.

i'm out of here.

not like anyone cares. mostly not you.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

transport.

i used to live in a lalaland called jielinlalaland where all transport costs 45 cents per ride.

then i got bombed out of my lovely little island to a place where transport can cost up to 4 bucks at least PER day. when it used to cost only 45 cents PER day.



=(



so what even if we are not in school anymore, doesn't mean we are capable of paying such huge amounts you know. *sigh* we still are NOT financially capable.

now i totally understand why those uni students were petitioning against the public transport fees system. god, the money spent on transport..definitely a hefty sum. =(

i shall stop whining. let me update on my life.

basically, today quite slack lah. stayed home the ENTIRE day(can you like believe it!!??) to watch tv. yes, tv. my butt literally became embedded into the sofa ok. i woke up at 1pm scarily, to find the entire house empty, and plonked myself down to relax. watched super many movies, taped and on the tv programme list itself..intermitently squeezing in a few pages of the book i was reading in between commercials. *grimace*

i so cannot wait for wednesday when i can FINALLY watch harry potter wth alex cos' that idiot will be coming back from chalet and we promised NOT to pangseh each other. and i want to watch skyhigh and chicken little and king kong and nardia and SO MUCH MUCH MORE!

but dammit, movie tickets are so expensive now can. wah biang, can they bare in mind that there are people that are unattached out there and have no boyfriends to pay for their tickets??? =X so unfair. i asked my girlfriends then they say their boyfriends paid for their tickets. then i asked my guyfriends and they said they had to pay for their girlfriends. hahahaha. tsktsk. fine lah. i'll be independent pig and EARN money to SPEND.

hmpffff.

jiahan kor better get me tuition job soon. WHY ISN'T HE REPLYING MY MSG?!?!? tonight got soccer match is it???!!

ROARRRR!!





i'm in a state of -_-'''. online talking to yunny and we were complaining about no shows on tv, and zw told her to watch the vamp show, but yunny said not nice and scary. then i told her ma xiaoling is damn hot, and she said THIS:

yunny says:
hot meh.. i hotter la..hahaha




then when i told her i going to blog what she just said,



yunny says:
AAAAAHHHHHH
yunny says:
NOOOO!!!
yunny says:
fainted



HAHAHAHAH! omg. she's really very funny. tsktsk. source of entertainment anywhere anytime. you will not believe what we did in the Singtel service centre, and what she did when we saw a pigeon in the middle of our path.

yunny ah..tsktsk!! *shakes head*





lionel lewis was on tv! singapore vs vietnam, and NO ONE TOLD ME!! grrrr. but i caught the last 10 minutes of the match. sigh. singapore lost though. so sad. =( score was 2-1.



anyway, i need something to do tomorrow!! vcd/dvd marathon? running? jian fei!!

why my plan like never work one. really kansai.

go already. update when i'm free. night!!

plan.

ok, so i don't have any concrete plan for today just yet.

yesterday, went out with bimbo to help her shop around for her prom dress. i silently thanked *whoever is up there* that i made the right choice(for me) of not going for prom. i would have DIED from the preparation. trust me on this. i really would have died.

i'm not against gowns and heels and makeup and hairdo or anything, but the fact that i would have to spend so much money on things i mostly would only wear THAT one night is illogical. i do not believe in impracticality. i even more do not care that all of them say "prom night is the only time of your life, only once! must go! will regret if don't go one!" bullshit.

it's MY opinion of cos'. you might have yours, and i respect that. i mean, if my group of clicky are going, and with many many friends there, then i CONFIRM will go. but go for what? when you hardly care about those who are going?

aiya, lazy to make my point.
but end of story. i almost broke my leg while shopping with bishi. i am getting very sick of town. VERY VERY SICK. i'm going to beg and plea and whatever shitload i can do to make jie bring me to chinatown, little india or wherever that has good buys. she seriously knows these ulu places very well. tsktsk. according to her, "town stuff is overpriced lah". quite true.

actually. VERY TRUE. hah! i'm so freaking proud to have gotten much of my stuff soooooo cheap ok! and looks expensive-just-like-the-original-thing kinda goods somemore! tell me where to find such good bargains! and no one will know, unless i tell you. so wait long long, i'm tell no one! *GRINS* except bishi lah, you know a teeny weeny bit of my secret, cos' I LOVE YOU!!! hahahah! and i hope you got your desired prom dress too! =)




anyway, i managed to get home in one piece and plonked myself on the sofa to take a breather(yes, i am extremely unfit now) before i went to take a bath. the morning run i had before i met bishi was indeed setting in. aching muscles and all. die lah. must exercise more. i just don't believe i cannot drop at least 5 kg. i mean, if i was so freaking skinny last time in sec school, there is no reason why i cannot be NOW. die also must reach. DIE DIE DIE.

i'm obsessed over my weight and appearance i know. don't like? f off lah. not like i care what you think about me. i look good cannot meh?

seriously, my blog is very much gonna record my life now, so like it or not, i'm blogging for MYSELF, not YOU.



anyway, i was switching between both channels of shows just now. running to my pa's room to watch channel 5's "I am Sam" and channel 8's "cao mei ren(or something like that)" . don't ask me why i had to run, but my pa refused to watch the channel 8 show and ma refused to watch channel 5 show. well, compromise lor. run lah.

pa said the running might make me slimmer. but i complained and complained until her eventually decided to tape the channel 5 movie for me. HAHAHAHA! god i love him so.

so i settled down to watch the cheena show. shit, it's freaking sad ok! and it helped that shu qi and the male lead was so freaking good-looking! :) haix. anyway, the show was pretty hard to catch with the heavily accented chinese accent. seriously, i was reading the subtitles 3/4 of the time. but it was well directed in my point of view. addressed many issues such as friendship, loyalty, love, hopes and dreams, and well..desires, to break free from the rigid structure. i teared at some parts ba..it was quite conflicting..the emotions that crossed my mind..

then there was the part "right person, wrong time" thing. sigh. that one was worst i think. and the part where shu qi's best friend died. wahhh, that par ti really buey tahan liao. really saddening. especially when the guy told her "wei hong jiao ni bu yao shen ta de qi le..", i really just broke down. cos' i recalled that part when shu qi was rather mad at the rest for lying to her behind her back..and when wei hong tried to persuade her to understand their actions, shu qi just told her one word: pan tu(traitor).

i guess that must have hurt wei hong alot. sigh. but sometimes, i myself do find it hard to trust some people. outside show so niceeeee, then inside, you don't know what the hell they are thinking. god knows, they don't like you leh! and you all along treated them as friends, and they thick-skin act like they like you alot. those kind of people all ought to die. the basic requirements of being friends is sincerity. you don't like that person just tell him/her lah, act until so chummy for what? turns me off really. at least i saw through you.

faker.



hah. anyway, i was totally stunned by the last part. i totally for once, was lost man. even when the credits started rolling and the narrator started mumbling some shit stuff in chinese that wouldn't end, i was still thinking about the ending. how it would have been, if the guy had not stopped the truck for her. how it would have been, if they had never met. how it would have been, if they hadn't fallen in love? how different would their lives be now?

seriously. there was this philosophical nonsense said by some "monk" in the show.

"got fate to meet or got no fate to meet someone, is still considered fate."

found it rather intriguing. *shrugs* it sounds like nonsense really, but it makes sense if you waste your braincells to think about it! haahaha!


all my opinions.



maybe i should borrow pearpear's xun yi cao vcd to re-watch it ALL OVER AGAIN. god, it's so fricking nice! :) will cry my eyes out again i'm sure. hahaha!

must plan. must plan. so aimless now. job, need money. 123 hours to get $123 to get that fcuk sweater. oh god.

and i seriously need plastic surgery, yes i know that. :) hell, i'm gonna try be happy being me. it's no point trying to emulate my sister, cos' i don't wanna be like her. i'm ME. and yes, i know, not much people can be ME. cos' i'm a "tall, fat and ugly giraffe".

and what else? i'm gonna jian fei so no one will EVER EVER call me FAT again.

NEVER.



on a personal note to turkey. i don't even know if she will read this. but i seriously hope all the soreness in you is gone. *sigh* somehow things i really want NEVER turn out right. i'm pissed and upset too. i hope you'll understand, and maybe not blame me.
you know i love you! really. :)





oh man, i miss star-gazing.

Friday, November 18, 2005

shoes, pain, fun.

i woke up feeling starved.
i went down for a half hour swim and tan and felt dizzy and sickly.
bathed and tried to rush to meet ex laogong alex. wah really tired don't know why. i saw the bread on the table, and i really felt turned off. anyone who knows me well enough should know i HATE eating bread. only when i have no choice.

so i didn't eat it.

and i felt sick. then i shitted. then i rushed to meet him. BUT i was freaking late. SO SORRY MAN!!! hahaha..not gu yi one ok! =)

but i felt much better with him lah. that's how it is when i'm with people i love and care for..with friends i guess..makes me feel better even if the day feels dreary and bleak.

talked quite alot. let me see..ah! i rememeber this conversation. tsktsk. we were discussing about project runway.


"Do you know models have to strip infront of their designers?"
(HE SAID THAT WITH A SPARKLE OF CHIKORBEI-NESS IN HIS EYES)

-_-'''

i cannot believe it man! hahaha. tsktsk. as chikorbei as ever.

but it sure felt good to meet up and chat about so many things! and he refreshed my memory by telling me that the last time we had an outing was last year's christmas! omg can!! that's really long ago..

just some pictures ahead i guess. we walked and talked alot. hahah! and i complained alot. shucks. i really cannot believe the extents to which women can go to achieve beauty. just to wear that pair of shoes, i hurt all the way to the outing, and hurt all the way back home. AND i had to pretend i was not freaking hurting. walk like nothing wrong. SO UNGLAM CAN.

i changed like 6 plasters! ROAR!!! and i had to go watson's to get plasters somemore! hahahah. lucky alex quite nice lah! =p endured my complainings, and was relatively gentlemanly to accompany to sit down and rest my poor feet. hahaah! so giam peng can! see chairs must sit. hahahaha!!

so anyway, the pictures!






yummy food at coffee club. had muddy mud pie and tiramisu something something. hahah! cannot remember the drink name man. shared with that pig, who refused to eat more. i really think he want to jian fei. WTH! he so skinny can. then make me this pig so fat! =( hahaha. anyway, the food was yummilicious! *licks lips* (by the way, his picture is there NOT cos' he is yummy ok!)




the place was SUPER SUPER good atmosphere! good service! it was at millenia walk! can you believe it man! i felt like the entire cafe was booked by us. hahahah. until more people came after us, and filled the cafe lah. but it was relatively soothing and really a good place to chill man. we spent like 2 hours there i think. =D talking cok and finishing our humongous mud pie! WOO!

and i don't know why that tiramisu drink tasted so alcohol-ish. alex said that tiramisu is supposed to contain alcohol. i SO did not know that! really! i mean i ate so many tiramisu cakes and it never NEVER tasted like alcohol. but nevermind lah. :P i didn't get drunk anyway.




the carpet hung on the wall. i must compliment their interior designs! really tastefully done. but i found this carpet ressembling that of the magic carpet in aladin! hahah! alex said i was "too imaginative", but really! and whenever i tried to take a picture of it, it's always seeming to be moving! so cool right.

ok lah, maybe my hands unsteady. hmmpfff.



look at the scenery man! i didn't know Singapore could be so beautiful! the lights were indeed a sight to behold. this was taken outside esplanade by the way. :)




more pictures..and the walkway...SO LONG! my poor darling feet!!! =( stupid alex still don't want change shoes with me.



yay! pictures! ok i know i look awful, but hell with it man! who cares when you finally get to take pictures with someone you haven't been out for so long! :) he really looks boyish and VERY yuong doesn't he? tsktsk. feels like i'm going out with a juvenile. WAHAHAHAH. oh wait. he IS juvenile. tsktsk. at least he grew taller! =p




ok, this one not taken outside esplanade lah. i found this in carrefour. OMG. i was seriously tickled byt hat sight and HAD to take a picture.

"why oil got extra virgin one..?"

beats me. i wish someone would enlighten me. oh shucks! did i just violate a "virgin oil" during my dinner!??

-_-'' not funny i know.

ok i'm dead beat. tomorrow is another outing with bimbo. she wants to shop for her prom dress and wants me to give her comments. HAHAHA! like from me? i'll probably be her worst fashion consultant. and i gotta reconsider the shoes i am wearing tomorrow. bishi certainly can walk man. *grimace*

i like it that i'm planning my days so well. everyday booked! =) must fully utilise every second man! woo!!! oh..i haven't watched my corpse bride vcd! and the star wars entire series yet to be taken from white ass! and the books i must borrow and read! so many!! i really must squeeze in outings with my much beloved and missed friends! the voluntary projects i hope i can get. the jobs and the money! i so need MONEY!!!

------------

to digress, i really must consider the afternoon offer i had in the mrt station control while looking for that idiot. that girl just popped in front of me. she had been eyeing me for very long, and i thought she knew me but i forgot who she is(yes, i have goldfish memory), until she came over and disrupted my much loved ljj song on my shuffle. =X

but it was an attractive offer. free. i don't have much to do anyway. but i doubt the agency would want me. i have nothing much to offer them. *grimace*

and i don't wanna be exploited. so when she calls again tomorrow to confirm the details, i guess i'll just pop in and let "the compan'y consultant take a look at you". *shrugs* i have nothing to lose. my vigilance is up. and i have booked bishi for that outing. maybe she would be more suitable for them! hahaha! pretty bishi! :)

anyway,the moment i hear "you must pay for..." and i'm shooting out of there like dash from the incredibles! no way i'm gonna spend money for something i don't even believe in! just wanna have fun that's all! might even make more friends! yay!

and i'm considering giving tuition. a senior from nhss(during my first few weeks there) has offered me jobs requiring me to give english tuition to primary school kids. i'm still thinking it through it. requires at least a one year contract, and i don't know if i can last so long. i might kill the kids..not very patient sometimes, you know. =p

but it is an offer that IS attractive. $10 per hour. who wouldn't want man. and it's english! something i should be able to do..i hope.

ok, so that's all for now. i'm seriously beat. going for a morning run before i meet bishi later today. :)

need to jian fei. need to jian fei. need to jian fei.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

OVER.

yes, with a CAPS much appreciated.

WARNING: long entry ahead. i didn't ask you to read ah! YAY! now i can blog as much as i wishhhhhhhhhh!!! :D

i've survived the last paper pretty well. i was GRINNING while the scripts were collected. don't care that i never finished my paper. don't care that i merely studied ONE FREAKING DAY for geog only. don't care lah.

papers on their way out of Singapore liao. what to do? cry over the loss meh? *shrugs* forget it man. zihao is right, there are many paths in life. everyone is destined to take a chosen path. we may not take the path most do, but as long as we get there in the end, what else matters?

really must thank him alot. and many other people, who endured my whinings and complainings, and pushed me on when i was deflated, comforted me when i broke down, encouraged me when i was at a loss, gave me advices when i was down.

now i truly know who are my REAL friends, and those who are merely people who crossed my path and don't give a damn about me and my little life. oh well. had a small discussion about friends with bs and yx today during our outing! hahaha, some cheem stuff, but it's true. definition of a "friend" varies from person to person. hi-bye friends, acquaintance, cca friends, class friends, school friends, friends you tell your troubles with, friends you can have fun with, friends you can grow old with.


anyway, to digress. our post Alvl celebration was a pathetic event with only FOUR girls going out. we dined at pizza hut, shared 4 different dishes, and drank cokes that made me burp non-stop. i don't drink cokes. but what to do, no other drinks what. anyway, it was a eat and go thing cos' syaf had to fetch her little cousin from school and winnie had somewhere to go. hahahah. no cookies for guessing!

well. so it ended up with me and alas(!!) yun ma. *GRINS*

so the two poor souls haunted plaza sing from top to bottom. i tell you, window shopping with yun ma is terrorising and traumatising. I MEAN IT. you will go from...
-_-'
to....
-_-''
to....
-_-''''''''''

that is how bad it was. hahahah! but ok lah, i enjoyed her company! thank you yunny for accompanying me for 2 plus hours! walk from ps to tangs some more! WAHHHH! where to find such a FIT and HEALTHY partner! hahahaha!! darn, i was quite tired from all that walking though. =( anyways, MUACKMUACKMUACK!!!!!
jiayou for your S paper ok! :)

met up with bimbo and nainai. oh man. so longgggg! i mean so long since i last saw them and went out. sheesh! i had fun today though! :)
laughed alot. DOTS alot. hahahah! and what else! nainai so kind treated us to FREE DRINKS from nydc! woah! hahahaha.
but i still think her nunnery will be highly unsuccessful.
=X
i might just start my own. HAHAHAH.
damn.


zh joined us after that and almost became yx's slave. only that she decided that it was "very bad" to treat him like one. hahaha. then we went OG and saw some stupid undergarments for guys. the band there got days of the week one ok!

just imagine asking a guy friend:
"hey...today is what day har?"
-CHECKS HIS UNDERWEAR-
"ohhh..thursday!"

i wonder if really got people buy or not.
it'll be funny to know that one of my guy friends are wearing it! *grins*
and i do know what BERD wears. tsktsk. shit, that image of the undergarment on the box very hard to erase from my mind ah! =X all that zihao's fault for telling us. now i see berd will think: ERHEM ERHEM!
rest assure. i have no fantasies about that xiaomao. hahah.

anyway, me and bs started this snorting thing which sounded like a pig and a snore. zh got really irritated. hahaah! but it was so fun! *childish i know*


another digression.
i got pretty upset lately when people commented that i look OLDER than my ELDER sister. god dammit. i don't know complement or insult. but i think it's an INSULT. *sigh* forget it man. i AM old lah ok. I NOT PRETTY LAH OK. I NOT AS HOT AS SHE LAH. I DON'T HAVE GOOD BODY LAH. I DON'T HAVE BOYFRIEND LAH. I REALLY NOTHING BESIDE MY SISTER LAH.

happy?
i do hope so. cos' you successfully ruined my day.



anyway, pre-paper times were pretty nerve wreacking for every paper. the post-paper times were quite bad too. but ziwan has the ability to make everything normal with one remark:

"ehhhh! guess what? just now i walked past him then he looked at me!!"

she would proclaim this with much gusto to me. and i would be jokingly annoyed. i mean who wouldn't?? HAHAHAHA! i'm so jealous can! he look at YOU never look at ME! oh wait, i don't even dare to look at him in the eye. HAHAHAH!

sad lah. but nevermind. hahahah. it's like something impossible anyway. yun ma was so tickled that i only spoke to him twice. sigh.


found this advertisement on the pillar beside the lift. found it slightly amusing. i don't know if my english is bad or what, but "electron shelves" were unknown to me till now. electron got shelves on ah?










you know, sometimes i really get quite irritated. i know that i'm not UGLY, but i'm not that good-looking either. but when people i know AND don't know comment how different me and my sister look, how she's prettily made up with a nice body proportion, and then STOP SHORT of describing me, i do get all hot and bothered. i'm tired of this comparison, and i cannot make it stop. i try to act like i don't care, but it doesn't fucking work this way.

imagine someone telling you that you are ugly on the average once EVERYDAY.

it doesn't do wonders to anyone's self-esteem.



it's not that i hate my sister. i love her. but i think she knows she IS pretty and she flaunts it happily. she KNOWS we are constantly being compared..looks wise. i admit defeat hands-down. i'm just effing tired of this shit lah.

spare me some slack ok?
i need a break from all these you-are-not-as-pretty-as-your-sister-shit.



i wish i have an elder brother instead.
at least they won't compare me with a gender of the opposite sex.
at least that's what i WISH humans are. less comparative. less judgemental. less condemning.


everything has been blown out of proportions.
the toilet issue.
the dawn yang and her plastic surgery debate.
anything linked to BLOG, that's it!
you're goners!
crazy people.
crazy world.
nothing else better to do.
i mean, she do surgery before anyone's problem meh? everyone wants to look good. you want to look like some cannot-make-it-don't-look-like-human-don't-look-like-anything freak?
just leave her alone lah.
sometimes, things can really be so adverse, like it or not.
media--makes or breaks you.
all in the hands of those who abuse their power, knowing that they have the power to write anything they want, and you canot freaking do anything to stop it.
crazy, power-devouring people.
i'm not against journalists.
i'm not against gossips.
i'm just against the fact that they trample people down like buffalos and stamp them out like diseases. no respect, no protection of rights at all.
absolute rubbish or absolute truth.
it's all up to us, readers. and many of us chose the latter.
how bizzare and nonsensical this world and its inhabitants can be.



ok, enough ramblings. i need sleep. will post underwear pictures another day. bimbo died or something.

Monday, November 14, 2005

sigh.

this is such a depressing entry title.
equally depressing day. but i'm not gonna dwell on it.


i cried today. after months of wondering if my tear glands had died. i fianlly cried. and it wasn't a good thing anyway.

life sucks for me. but i'm not a loser. the only reason i carry on is because i cannot stop.

thank you zihao and jee cheng. you guys really made me feel alot better with your encouragements and pats on the back.
without you two around, i'll probably have died. seriously. thank you. you guys don't know how important you are to me. :)

i'd just await that day i'll receive my As results with much fear and reluctance. for it signifies that i've yet again let my father down.
i'm sorry papa.
you know i tried. i really did.
somehow i just screwed myself up.
somehow i always do. i'm really sorry i've disappointed you.
please forgive me, and i will try to work hard towards my next goal, whatever it is.
i really will try my best to support you.



sometimes, i glance at my palm, and i think: shit. maybe what my palm says is right after all. i have no future, no career, no nothing.
and then i tell myself. NO WAY I'M LETTING MYSELF AND MY LIFE BE DETERMINED BY A STUPID PALM READING.
but sometimes i'm just not so sure anymore.

one thing i hate about blogspot is that i cannot type private entries.
but well.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

GRIN.

i finally looked through the songs i have on my thumbdrive. and i am freaking OVERJOYED!

THANK YOU ZIHAO!!!!!
*GRIN*

i promise i will buy you at least 3 bags of marshmellows for you to grow fatter before you enter the army! WAHAHAHAHA!!


AHHHHHHHH!!! i got my Shi Kang Jun's song ok!!! wah lau! like after millions of years. i could NEVER manage to record it successfully on my sister's creative muvo slim. now i've got it! =D

and i've got so many more nice songs! including this song called Remember me This Way by Jordan Hill! i CANNOT CANNOT believe it i tell you! i heard this song on 933 like ages ago..it's from the movie casper by the way..and i loved it! but i never managed to find it! and LOOK! nice little marshy here(don't know how he know also..must be by luck) put it in my thumbdrive! YAY!!!!


ok, i must stop gushing! oh man!! songs songs songs!





sighhhh. ok i got to return back to my largely futile studying =(.



by the way, i've managed t restore my links. but not completely though. =X the stupid blog always does this to me, erasing all my links when i change somethings on my template. GRRRR. so anyway, if i left out your blog link, it means that i couldn't remember the link and thus, i need you to provide me the link. thanks! =) sorry for the inconvenience. and enjoy reading the new blogs i provided! entertainment ah!





//and we both now know that i am not the one you want, so i guess it's time for this to end.

Friday, November 11, 2005

sian diao.

stupid gp paper.
i was shocked by the essay questions, cos' nothing was freaking related to social issues! and i ONLY do social essays cos' that's what i KNOW.
ok lah, i admit, don't need statistics that much also.
oh well, i finally read that fact file little white book that the gp department gave us.
but i did not use a single thing from it. sian diao.
BUT i do know who founded Banyan Tree Gallery and Hyflux and who is the founder of Asian Business and Forum and so much more! ok, i admit my general knowledge is very bad. sighhh.
no use lah.
i think i like wrote out of point.


that stupid compre killed me the second time.
the questions 3/4 i read liao then went HUH?!?!?
then the 2nd time in my entire life in SA i did my summary.
i spent the last freaking 5mins of the paper on it, cos' i was so pissed then i spent another 1/2 minute counting the stupid words that made no sense and had no link to the compre cos' i know i'll be penalised if i didn't count.
stupid lah.


i wanted to get a b3 at least. now i'm not so sure anymore. scully fail then die. you know all is over when you flunk our gp, cos' nothing else matters.



went to cc to try to study.
i managed to finish one page of international trade.
then i died on the table.
awoke 1 hour later, aching all over.
very bad to fall asleep at your table ok.
go really drained me as usual.
do one paper half my brain juices gone.
do another paper, all gone.



ok..ending soon. few more days. everything over. my life may be over temporarily.
=(
but just continue lah.
stop now also no point.
sigh.
just keep going.
just keep going.
just keep going.


/edit.
i saw this quote from life! a few seconds ago. shitty funny!


"Scientology hurts nobody. if it makes Tom Cruise happy, I don't care if he prays to turtles."--Madonna.


WAH SIAO LAH. i really think it's very funny!! HAHAHAHAHA!! ok..well, if you are kept abreast with the controversy over TC and his much debated over religion, then you'll get the idea i guess. i cannot be bothered to make any stand. but well, Madonna IS funny. HAHAHAHAH. pray to turtles.

o_0???




anyway, despite the terrible paper today, there was a quote by i-forgot-who in the passage. i cannot help it but i LAUGH can! oh man. super unglam. later the examiner thinks im mad. it's about the cuckoo clock thing lah! hahahah.

shit i'm so easily amused.


ahhhs, i got my beloved thumb drive after so long! =) and zh saw my secrets. =( ehh you're the first one ok! hahahaha..shhh!! and i'm NOT a stalker! =D


hahaha. and syaffy calls her bro "dodo brother"! omg. that's like funny can! i never hear anyone call that before. dodo birds are hilarious lah. got watch brother bear you'll understand! =P


recalling a coversation between pa, me and sis last week:

"ehhh, that day i stay up just to watch that war show leh! very nice..don't know call what...at the behind enemy line or something ah.." --pa
"no lah! it's behind THE enemy lines!!"
--jie



-_-'''


"ehh, actually i'm quite sure it's just behind enemy lines."--me


see! i mean i never watch i also know ok! hahahah. damn funny lah daddy. his broken english is hilarious. but i mean, he's trying super hard to improve, and i admire his courage! =)





ok, anyways i added new links. blogs i read nowadays. just go check it oout if you are VERY free.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

WAH!


My blog is worth $3,387.24.
How much is your blog worth?




my blog just upped it's value. zh, go check ur value again, maybe got increase leh!
=D



sigh. you know, this is just another attempt to shrink away from my life. to try to ignore what's streaming pass me, as a i stand there, stagnant, in my little lalaland.


i hope everything will go well.
i hope everytime.
but nothing ever goes the way i wanted.
so what for working so hard?
'cos i know im no weakling.





Once upon a time we had a lot to fight for
We had a dream,we had a plan.
Sparks in the air to spread a lot of envy
We spread a lot of envy, didn't have to care
Once upon a time
Remember when I swore my love is never ending
And you and I will never die
Remember when I swore,we had it all,we had it all.


I'll sail away
It's time to leave
Rainy days are yours to keep
Ill fade away
The night is calling my name
You will stay
I'll sail away

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

=(.

i just fucking screwed up my first paper.
with this terrible headache that comes and goes every two days.
i suspect if i have brain tumour.
at least migraine.
i feel dead.
so screwed up i cannot believe.
it's like a nightmare.
a nightmare i must continue, continue to terrify me, horrify me, and make me realise over and over again, how all these could have been different, if i had spent my past 1 year plus revising diligently, instead of wasting them away, in indulgent fun.

i hate this nightmare.

and what can i do? for i'm entirely at fault.

so screwed up. and no, don't tell me it isn't. because i fucking know what i wrote as my head pounded incessantly.

all i saw was rubbish.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

doom.

I am a Gemini.

Eternally childish - both intellectually and emotionally, a Gemini simply refuses to grow up, and will often mooch of off someone until old age.
His only true passion is pointless chatter, which he has mastered to perfection. A Gemini can talk for hours without ever getting to the point.

He reads little, but has an opinion on every issue - even though he will change it about a dozen times a week. It is not uncommon for a Gemini to become an actor or at least a "writer".

Geminis can't stand stress - neither physical nor mental.
---------

i think they just exposed me. everything bad also say out. =(

---------

i'm so shittingly doomed. so scared. so lost. so not doing anything.

i need strength, drive, determination, hope, courage and the faith to move on.
my life has suddenly lost all colours.
be glad when it's gone.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

bad day.

at this point, daniel powter's song suddenly would make alot sense.
but no song can sing away my blues now. feeling so terrible.

i know i said i will not update, but i shall break this promise yet again. psychotic rambling starts NOW.

this is going to be a whiny entry. because i feel like complaining.

it's PMS.

no, it's not an excuse. i'm really feeling the pits of pms. and i feel like shit.



not that i've tasted shit before.
digression.


studying is pathetic for me. progress slow. not very steady.

i feel super emo now.

and my father bought the OTO slimming belt thingy that vibrates and supposedly help you cuts fats. i'm trying it out. HAH.



today is such a lousy, bad day i cannot believe it.
you know i really tried to brush off everything. and they always say how some things you cannot control..and don't ever let those things you CANNOT control control you. get what i mean?

i guess i let those things i cannot control come and control me.

sigh. i lost. miserably. so i took the bus home feeling miserable and trying to sleep. but i couldn't. although i think i appeared quite dead to passengers on the bus. i just couldn't REST my mind.


my life is so whirled up now, i cannot think straight.

i cannot cannot cannot blood think.

i think studying has ruined me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror and tell myself: hey! i'm actually looking like a human.

no. everyday i look in the mirror and tell myself: wah kanasai knn, today is another day of studying. STOP LOOKING AT THE STUPID MIRROR LAH JIELIN! so pale so white so ghastly so scary.

and then i retire off to somewhere else to bloody try to study.






frankly, i may appear cheerful and all to people who see me on the streets. i DO try very very very hard to be happy. i know i'll feel better being happy. and i try my best to push all troubles behind to the back of my head, bt i cannot do this everytime.

i feel like the harder i try to push it back, the stronger it's hitting me everytime it surges forward.



you know, someone once told me: "why you always smiling when i see you one..look so happy everytime."

and someone even told me that "seeing me everytime would guarantee a smile free of charge."

there is a huge error.

i don't smile. i hardly smile. i GRIN like a spastic idiot.

but the point i'm trying to say is that, i AM sincere everytime i see my friends. i DO feel happy and i smile my ass off. but..sometimes, when i'm down means i'm down. you don't have to come along and ask me "are you ok?" because obviously from my ugly sulking face i am NOT ok.




i don't even KNOW what am i writing about.



i've talked to my papa. and he thinks that i should just absent myself from the maths paper. since i'm gonna go and flunk anyway. might as well don't go. sigh. anyways, an ABSENT is much better than an F right? provided i get ABB for the rest. sighhhh. provided provided.
but i was really relieved to have talked to him about it. it has been on my chest for a very long time. and the weight was bearing me down. i told him. i did not tell the other parent. in fact, i have not talked to her since like 139734875236 days ago. can't be bothered. i'm sorry, i have a mother?

i'm glad my papa understood my stand and he was caring and concerned.

the last sentence he told me was "just study your best lah..i never ask much from you..do your best can already.."

you know at that point, i so much wanted to break down and hug he and his huge tummy? i wanted to hug him for i have not hugged him since i was in primary school. i wanted to hug him because he has always been the one which is ever so supportive and understanding all the while. i've always been closer to him since i was a baby. yet as i grew up, i feel like the years are taking a toil on our father-daughter relationship--which is a sad plight to even think about.

i know he doesn't voice his expectations. i know i do get irritated and annoyed with him sometimes. i know he does too with me. i know he cares. i know he wants the best for me. and i know i want to do well. i'm i'm just so very afraid. so afraid i cannot do well enough for myself. not well enough to go where i want and do what really want.

the more he doesn't tell me he wants me to ace, the more pressurised i feel.

cos' i feel obliged to ace. i feel pressured to ace. i feel in need to ace.

i need this so much. and i am not working towards it. so how am i going to succeed?

loserloser.







you know, actually i feel so bad now i just wanna go have a good cry.
it's been so bloody long since i let those tears fall from my unmoved heart.

see ya all folks. do take care!