car crash.

it's so funny, how he told me that i crossed the road without checking for oncoming cars.
how i almost got knocked down, but he called out to me in time to make me notice that car.


i didn't notice at all.
neither did it ruffle at feather of mine.
i couldn't fucking feel anything.


is this how it'll be like?
i want to feel other emotions.
enough of pain, enough of sadness, enough of resignment.
enough of anger at you, enough of the feeling os used.
enough of being suppressed.
enough of being that girl i always dreaded to become.


again, the tears took me by surprise. this time, it had an audience.
it just came. one drop, then the torrent.
i tried so hard...to hold it back.
but those words..resounded still, even when i told myself to ignore them.
why to be bothered over hurtful words, when he couldn't be bothered about the consequences of his actions and words.


i said fucking how many times DON'T FUCKING CALL ME WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

what kind of screwed up logic is it to call someone just as she is falling asleep. then tell her all that hopeful stuff on your mind, things she wanted to hear.
run to the bathroom to vomit halfway.
then return to the phone only to tell her not to remember anything he just said, because it doesn't matter, or mean anything.
then hang up.

WHAT KINDA LOGIC IS THAT, YOU TELL ME???

i gave you another chance today morning.
redemption.
you failed.


it's over.
the one and only answer to that question bugging me for one week.
it's closure.
i need it so badly, desperately.


so i declare, the official road to healing.
no more hopes.
no more faith.
no more dreams.
it's over.
the car crashed.



the mistake, snowballed.
now, it's finally stopped rolling on and on.
after forever, the mistake ended.

i kept my promise till the end.


when two strong personalities come together, is cohesion possible?
or do we just need the opposites in characters of one another?



it's a break for now.
i'm....surprisingly exhausted.
because i never once stopped charging...
life's definitely been harsh.
but it'll get better-
that's what they all say.


luke's words: better late than never. at least be glad it happened now, instead of years down the road. you've learnt from this. remember the good times, and use those bad memories to keep you on track. when the pain comes, don't mistake it for regret. it's just a lapse of strength. good songs all come to an end. you simply have to wait for the next good song..whenever it comes.


what hurts the most,
is being so close..
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.
and loving you-
was all i've been trying to do.


but at some point or another, i have to stop. before i forgot what's it like to live without pain in my life.