Sunday, August 31, 2008

i want to become what i want.

i found this paper bag on one of my couches. zzz. HAHAHAH. i should just bring this out man. spokesperson for TVee.

anyone knows what company this paper bag is promoting for? i have no idea.

pictures from saturday before tuition. was fooling around with black and white function from my phone. i think my phone is dying, shall tell you why later. =.= (anyway i'm using this emoticon more often because it represents "double eyelids" or can also be "eyebags" HAHAHAHAH wtf)

it's amazing how i look so happy. zzz.

ahh!! can see double chin! where is my sculptured face? HAHAHA. ok, because i never had one. this was with flash lah. just to check that my phone's flash was still working.

what am i holding? what am i munching on?

this! given to me by my sis. wow. ok, it's relatively alright to eat but i still prefer my wangwang gummy sweets if i were to choose packed ones. anyway it's not cheap lor. wangwang costs 80cents and got superrr alot inside.

but this meiji one costs $1.90 and only got a few inside. geez. i'm very auntie one ok! i need cheapcheap and manymany. HAHAHAH.

ok!! remember my previous entry i was saying that i did a kind deed? yuppps! i bought cheese fries from KFC during a mini break at VE last night (yar, i got guilty today so i went jogging this evening. will talk about that later in the entry).

apparently KFC is promoting the World Hunger Week at their outlets. you get to donate all your spare cash into a small donation box at their counters. alternatively, you could also buy their bracelets for $2 which entitles you to a coupon offering more discounts off your subsequent meals at their outlet!

go do your part! it's just $2. if super broke jielin can afford to, then you rich kids out there should too! i believe we will make their lives better! (: however small the effort.

see? the free coupon given to you with the bracelet.

and the bracelet. in a VERY ugly colour. butttt, ok lah, not like i'm gonna wear it. LOL.

when i brought it back to the shop, Jas was examining the thing while making exclaimations non-stop. LOL. he is full of crap lah. and he makes me feel bad. Jas is damn skinny and only eats proper meals. he chided me for buying "junk food" (cheese fries) but i just couldn't resist temptations. anywayyyy, it's not like i eat everyday what!

the gift P tutee gave me for teachers' day!

it's a cute little bear handphone accessory! LOL but i don't think i will hang it on my handphone lah. sheesh. i'm sending out little frequencies.

hush.

it's pink! and it has a scarve around its neck which can be untied.

ate this during the afternoon. i love these mooncakes thingy. outside the snowskin type which i ADORE.

but mooncakes are fattening. zzz. sorry for being so anal but i am starting to watch what i eat. i was talking to NANA yesterday regarding why i got heavier instead of lighter after jogging so much.

SHE TOLD ME BECAUSE MY INPUT MORE THAN OUTPUT. zzzz. die leh. means i eat more than i jog. knn. cannot like that okkkk.

so i chose very carefully out from the lot which were bought. and picked this FORTUNE CAT. zhao cai mao!!! HAHAHAHA. yes i want moolahs.

wheee. come money come to mamaaa. -open wide arms-

ohhh! remember i mentioned that i went jogging this evening? this makes my FOURTH time this week!!! OMG I'M SO FIT!!! HAHAHAHAH. okkk. sorry, must like motivate myself.

anyway i fell down while i was jogging today wtf. =((((

i don't really have any idea why or how i fell down. i felt like i tripped on something on the pavement, then again, i felt like i was tripped. LOL. it's hard to differentiate. i've ran this route so many times i know where are the uneven spots, the uplifted pavements and holes. somehow this fall was like....out of nowhere.



so as i went down, there were a couple of people infront and behind me lah. wtf. only the girl infront of me stopped a little to ask me if i was okay. the rest ignored me. knn. i should have fallen harder and caused earthquake so they can show a little concern. zzz.

you know how it's like when you fall down?? the entire fall (process) towards the ground feels as though its running on slow mo. literally, time slows and you see things around you move slowly...the bushes go past your face gradually, view of human heads changing to become a view of humans' feet and shoes. wtf. how sad.

so i bonked onto the pavement quite hard. zzz. so hard that i felt air oosh outta me. HAHAHA tmd sad ok. for a moment i was stunned and lay on the ground. and because i fell on ONE SIDE ONLY (wtf left side), my left lower arm, left wrist, left thigh, left knee, left butt all kenna scrapped. zzzzz.

abrasions man. fucked up. but luckily because i was wearing my knee guard during my jog, the guard cushioned most of the abrasion (which would have hurt like a bitch if abrasions occur at joints) but did not cushion the bruises. ayeee. =((((

and i skidded quite a bit of distance when i was on the ground. my left hand which was holding onto my phone (listening to songs what) happily dropped/used my phone as braking device. wtf.

see lah. the outcome. this protected my handphone from direct contact withthe gravel.

all black! plus got hole ok. WTF. serious or not!!!?

can put my entire finger inside lor. ayeee. fuck man. =(((

but i'm just glad i did not suffer any broken bones or obvious fratures or dislocations. zzz. or sprained anything. i think i should continue my daily dosage of milk to protect my bones. zzzz. freak accident man.

i don't think fall like that will have any injuries lah hor? zzz. i'm paranoid. someone please comfort me. HAHA. because i'm aching quite a bit. ROARRR.

and i'm only putting this last picture because i want an iphone (2nd gen) so badly. yesterday as i was queueing for my cheese fries in KFC, a guy and a girl were standing behind me flaunting their phones in full view whilst talking loudly and fiddling around with their phones.

i wanna die already.

aye, god, please make my parents strike it rich leh. =(((( i wanna be like the other kids, don't have to worry about money. sigh.

ok i'm hurting quite badly now. zzz.

ps: just to clarify (because monz and edwin said so) I DID NOT SEE A SHUAI GE THEN FALL DOWN OK. stupid. HAHAHAH.

pps: i had jogged for 30 mins before i fell. and because i fell i had to stop for a couple of minutes to check my injuries. then i got quite pissed because i lost my momentum. to make up for that i continued jogging for 45 mins after that. HAHA.

before i end off, i wanna apologize to everyone. if you felt a mini earthquake today at around 7pm, it was my doing. everytime jielin falls down, got mini earthquake in singapore ah. sorry lah.

sorry to the condo which i had fallen outside. i think your pavement cracked. HAHA.

ehhh. the fall just seems very dubious. argh. byebye.

gonna mass chat with the 3 peeps on msn plus nehneh is webcam-ing with me using her new com she bought from comex. HAHA.

before i go to sleep.

a short one without pics. will leave the random pics when i post again later in the day.

i received a teachers' day present from P.
B cancelled my tuition cos' she was not feeling well. make up on monday.
P will also have tuition on monday. in fact, we agreed on 3 lessons next week. yes!!! moolahs!!!


work at VE was ok. Pboss did not scold me at all today. told off slightly, yes. but generally still alright.
crowd was mad. busied myself from start to end. exhausted. legs breaking apart. zzz.
J was alright. nice enough guy. learned quite a bit about him. not VERY friendly, but still chattable. he seems guarded enough. hmmmm.


morning while waiting for bus at my house's bus stop, saw this really cute almost-mag-spread-kinda-cute jap guy. i was busy oggling and drooling at his perfect hair, awesome skin, wonderful eyes and melt-hearts-smile when his gf suddenly came out of no where and took his arm. wtf. spoil.


checked september timetable for VE. happiness. HAHAHA.
oops. but shall not be too happy too early. =x
what if everything i thought was imagined and unreal and non-existent. -grimace-
still, hoping for the best. =D this month will be interesting. HAHA.


did a good deed yesterday. reveal later with pics. lazy upload.


building friendship with a certain someone. HEHE.
yet to be nicknamed.


i wonder if months down the road can i still remember who i am refering to in my posts? HAHAH. i've got too many codes and nicknames sometimes i can't remember those years back. sheesh. getting older.


come on sparks come on!


long day sunday. sigh.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

fittest week.

this is probably my fittest week ever in a very long time.
including my evening jog today.....


i've ran 3 times this week! all 1 hour jogs!!!!
i'm so proud of myself. (((:
i definitely can feel my legs becoming toner. but...erm..tummy still there ROARRR.
on my way to become thinner project. HAHAHA.




not much progress in school work. i wanna stab myself.
TEO JIELIN YOU ARE SMART AND INTELLIGENT!!!!!!



sorry man. the above sentence was so console myself.




it's work again on saturday. tuitions and VE. working with the real J. i wonder if he's a sincere person to get along with. =x praying for the best.

no pictures this entry. gonna be short. nothing much i can write. these thoughts are too personal to be revealed.



aye sometimes i wonder when can i insert my contact lens. zzz.i don't wanna be forever geeky leh. plus no make up skills damn loser can. wtf.



used the beauty oxymask today after my bath. was good. ((((: miracle water. my close-to-hundred-bucks splurge is worth it!!! HAHAHA. for my skin!!!!!! yayyy.



is it wrong to want things that i cannot have?
am i wanting too much? beyond my means?
am i greedy?
i don't feel that i am.

i feel deprived.
or maybe i'm just not easily satisfied. SIGH.
i don't know man. i don't wanna be an ungrateful brat. i don't want to be demanding.



but i really can't afford anything i like or want right now. and this seriously sucks.
i hate myself.

Friday, August 29, 2008

i miss simplicity.

i hate being a citizen of extremities. somehow these are the people who are most detested by the majotrity.


school in the morning. home by early noon. wanted to relax and study a bit. ended up dozing off at the table. shifted to the sofa in an attempt to catch a few precious hours of shut-eye (too many early mornings and late nights without naps in between) before tuition.

was awaken by P's mum's sms that P was still stuck in school and hence can only have tuition later in the evening. however, if i were to give tuition at a later timing, i would be late for the meetup with monz, ed and his friend. so...changed to just the usual saturday. i don't care man. next week onwards must full-blast tuition. moolahs ok. zzz. hates.

met monz and ed at vivo for dinner at sushi tei. their friend, steve, was late. arrived only after dinner. went for movie: Wall.e at around 8:35pm. the movie started at only 9pm. wtf. I HATE ADVERTISEMENTS IN CINEMAS.


monz showing off her new iphone HAHAHA. rich kids!

the pics are surprisingly clear. but only on the screen itself. when transferred, the resolution changes...so i've heard.

monz's meal. did not take ed's meal. he devoured it fast. LOL.

my usuals. not much appetite. MUST JIAN FEI TEOJIELIN!!!

zilian a bit. i look damn tired can. zzz. die lah, forever look tired. my nap at home was a failure, because i had extremely bad dreams.

dreamt of my balcony glass door shattering while i was relaxing on the sofa(exact same spot i was sleeping at) and all the glass fell around me. felt like fibreglass with a couple of large jagged pieces too. dreamt of a couple of people around me..but i can't remember who...

dreamt that i couldn't wake up from my sleep. wtf. seriously that feeling sucks ok. arghhh. i think i must be really tired out. my mind's constantly in gear. zzzz. i hate this. i hate having dreams while i'm sleeping.

I JUST WANT TO REST GOD DAMMIT.

group pictures all look damn gross. fat face arghhh. but we all look so happy, that's why i'm posting them AHHAHA. happy people. no pictures of steve. erm...just got to know him through these two people lah..so not very friendly buddy type...yet (i hope).

ed and i were squeezing monz in between HAHAHA. her head was being kiap-ed by us and she was complaining HAHAH.

the view was maginificent. but obviously u cannot see from this picture. i like our seats. very good spot for romantic dinner. but i can't see how sushi tei can be romantic HAHAHAH.

cruises everywhere. reminds me of singapore flyer.

sis asked me a couple of days ago when i'm gonna take a ride in it. told her (like what i told other people too) that i'll most probably take it only when the construction around the flyer is almost complete so i won't see cranes and the like but the night lights of casinos and integrated resorts. (((:

and of course, preferably the ride is with someone special. HAHA.

anyway sis was nice and bought me meiji gummies. shall feature them in later entry. i offered to pay her back but she declined. wow.

food i can't finish. i felt like a brat wasting food. but i ain't gonna grow fat eating things i cannot stuff down my throat anymore. booooo. body over moolahs.

wall.e was alright. LOL. the rest didn't really like the movie. in my opinion, it definitely isn't your typical cartoon which provides meaningless fun and laughter and minimal brain movement. this movie by walt disney holds certain contemporary themes not exactly beyond our times: pollution and eventual destruction of our home--the earth.

besides, there are also themes such as love, friendship, herd mentalities, technological dominance over human beings, technology rendering humans useless, leaving power into hands of robots (detrimental in this sense), obesity and lastly, hope for a new opportunity and new life from scratch.

many themes indeed. food for thought if you want to take this movie as a prediction of our future.

ended at 10:30pm. they suggested chilling out. headed to one of the pubs behind sajc near the gillman village (is it still there? too dark can't see). steve had a car, so driving there was quick.

a nice cool night with a couple of glasses of red wine (treated by the 3 working adults...thanks!!! =D) and passively listened to their chat of office work life and gossips lol. little games of 5-10 and niu nai and some ahbeng game HAHA.

broke my rule of no alcohol. but at least it's red wine. good for health right? i think i drank more than i intended to, but it was a good complement to the relatively cold night.

steve sent the couple to the bus stop for their straight bus home. it was already 12am (curfew time) so i msged mama that i was on the way home, before she hit the roof or thought i had been kidnapped.

nice steve sent me home chop chop with some mini chats on the car to get to know each other better. ok lah, not that awkward i guess. in my point of view at least. =x friendly people should mix quite well, right? if he intends to go for the tw trip, maybe i'll get to know him more!

reached home around 12:10am. parents were okay about it. wow. amazed i didn't even got yelled at. they only asked why i was so late. lol. glad. i wouldn't want to get into a fight to end the good night.

the warmth from the wine is radiating throughout my body. definitely not drunk. no worries. wine doesn't bother me as much. =D

i've been lacking focus and concentration ever since school has started. still seem to be in the holiday mode with minimal brain activity and improvement. i feel very stupid. i hate feeling stupid. time to upgrade in gears!!!!

you need to do well!!!! can't allow drops in gpa ok!!!! -self psycho- study hard, study smart!!!

must read texts i was supposed to read up but never did. MUST! all done by the time friday ends. roarrrrrr.

FOCUS TEO JIELIN FOCUSSSSS.

how much before it gets me hooked?
how much before this feeling fades?
how much before i erase you?
how much before i leave your shadow?
how much before the butterfly leaves the cocoon?

do all questions have answers?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

cannot not admit i'm not old.

on days like this, i feel old to the max.
the 9am classes are suckign my life away. back to the first sem days where 9am classes dominate. zzzz.


my jog yesterday. or rather on tuesday. my entry posts are always posted near/around/past midnights. 1 hour again. toned. but still fat. SIGH.

i need new running shoes, but i'm not gonna waste money. =((((

bob's com443 today. group chosen. i have 2 freshies (will find nicknames soon), weisi and pris. 5 man group. truth to be told, i am not very happy or pleased. but i guess i've had had worse. sooooo, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise?

i'm sure things will work out. they always do. continue to persevere and work hard, jielin!!!

god-of-random-group-project-pickings must work HARDER!!! =(((

com441 in a few hours. just printed out the stuff to be presented tomorrow. blehhh blahhh. warm up for the whirlwind of presentations ahead. geez. i need a better presentation set of clothes; especially a pair of really chio, tailored, fitting pants! HAHAHA.

cannot lose my presentation edge. must jiayou!!!! com443 is gonna be tougher. must go find out who is good at editing, presentation making and videos. zzzz. i cannot be superwoman this time lehhh. =(

but die die must do better than that bitch's group. kns that heshe is getting on my nerves.

i'm sorry nehneh. i am not as sociable or have night life like you. i just find fun and entertainment in other areas and people that's all. SIGH.

so does this make me a lousy executive/high-ranking worker in a corporation? i don't know man, really. just because i don't club or have wild nights out?

-shrugs-

waipo got admitted into hospital because she fell down at home. she's living with my da ah yi (mum's side eldest sister) now because my da jiu jiu (mum's side eldest bro) wants to sell his flat after the divorce and my waipo hence HAS to move out. knn.

received the news while i was in bugis walking around with nehneh.

previously, we were soaked by the rain and nehneh went home to change after chrislaouncle sent us to nehneh's place. THEN NEHNEH MADE ME STAND OUTSIDE AND WAIT FOR HER. WTF?!!! HAHAHAHA.

while i was preparing to camwhore outside to entertain myself, her auntie poked her head out and caught me in the act. WAH KAU sibei paiseh to max. anyway the auntie invited me in lah. wahhh.

anyway, the point is that because my sneakers got soaked, my shoes became very uncomfortable. almost developed a couple of blisters. =(

left bugis after a while and went to raffles place to find my mum. due to head to changi hospital at evening.

mirrors are so tempting. though i looked like crap. it was a feel-fat-day and everything i wore, i felt fat in it. SIGHHH. hence the chui-ness.

if you noticed the slippers, it's some jap slippers whereby people wear at home lah. my sneakers were causing me so much pain so i changed out of it.

BUTTTT the slippers so or-biang. HAHAHAHAHA they were in my mum's place for comfort wear.

OMG WTF?? HAHAHAHAHA new trend okkkk.

the designs on the slippers quite cute one lor. and made of lightweight spongey material. very comfy! but too big in size HAHAHA.

ahhh the chui face. don't know why my camera suddenly became so clear. zzzz. mum is behind. just got reminded that i didn't wear my retainers for the entire day today after removing when i woke up. zzz. shall go brush teeth and put them on later.

bad sneakers. so hard they hurt.

don't know why i am so sleepy. zzz i get average of 5 hours sleep what. so much work to do. =(((


white freak!!! -gasp-

it's tuition for P tomorrow after class. then meeting monz and ed for WALL.E!!!! HAHAHAH YAYYYY. so happy. finally i'm not watching FREE VE dvds HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

ok, must discuss tour plans lehhh. die die also must go. i work so hard for this trip man. suck my life and blood and moolahs dry. and my parents like don't care. HAHAHAH.


fuck man. this is literally...growing up in environment whereby parents instill "what you want, go earn it, i'm not going to pay a single cent" theory. zzzz. i feel sad/happy for myself.

chicken rice for dinner. and then i ate another round after this. fucking fat liao. ROARRRRR!!!

it sucks when your elder sister is a size 2 or 0 and you are size 12 to 14. WTF??!?!

i feel sad for myself definitely. zzzz. i hate myself, actually. how come same genes, so different? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

i feel like i got no hope already--when it comes to physical appearances. AHHA.

look nana!!! my version of food porn!!! =DDDD

my final shot before leaving for the hospital. too tired on the car. napped. reached the hospital. it sucks to see waipo so frail and skeletal on the bed. really. she's such a sweet, gentle and un-complaining old lady.

she never demands, she never requests. everything i remember she does is always for the good of others and putting others ahead of herself. i can hardly find someone like her anymore.

i hope she gets well soon. and i hope nothing bad will befall her. this applies to all my loved ones.

eve since school started, i've been embroiled in a a turmoil of emotions. i have no vocabulary to describe. so i shall do my very best in explaining while not divulging too much.

because i don't know who is reading this.

everyone is fighting to be the best.
everyone assumes that they are the best. or will be.
everyone wants to be with the best.
i belonged to one of those groups; but right now, i'm doubting.

i am at this stage whereby i feel that i've been blinded for ages, seeing myself as someone whom I thought I was. but perhaps, this isn't who i am in reality, or in the perception of others.

i find myself wanting to conform to please the majority of people whom i don't really give a fuck for. i am doing this simply because i don't want to "feel" left out and different.

but the fact is just too obvious. I AM DIFFERENT.
i cannot stand next to them and say that i am like you all.
i cannot tell myself to go on my life as how they do; spend like how they do; enjoy like how they do; act like how they do; speak like how they do.
the lifestyle is different. and there is a limit to where i will cross before i start realizing how foolish and stupid i've been. because i don't enjoy it at all.

call me restrained and guarded. call me unsociable and boring. call me anything.
i can't do this anymore.
they say just be true to yourself.
but right now, i hardly even know what being "true" means and who am i TRULY? this all just don't make sense anymore.

i just know that only and only if i feel comfortable with you, then i will be myself. really me. without any care in the world.
if i feel a different vibe emitting from you, then i can't say i'll be sincerely friendly towards you. i guess it's like an eye for an eye? right?

i can't do YOUR bitchiness, so i just don't do anything at all. call that hostility, maybe.

mentally and physically tired; but i had to get all these off my chest, hence the blogging. more ahead awaits. more to overcome. i can do this. teojielin, you can do this!!!

sometimes, being a loner is so much easier.
i just don't enjoy some company anymore.
some fakeness is killing me.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

it feels like decemeber in august.

i tried sleeping early so i wouldn't feel so sleepy for morning classes, but it doesn't seem to work. seems like i must continue re-adjusting my body clock.

wasn't late for class today either. this is a good start i say! spent another bomb buying text for com441. zzz. total hole in my pocket from buying ACTUAL texts sum up to about hundred bucks. zzzzzz. BIG BIG HOLE. wah lau eh.


and i'm being a good student never photocopy ok. tsk. HAHAH. moral values level 100 liao. weet weet.

wore another new dress today. the owl one. bought at far east when shopping with nehneh. i remember i met bishi in the shop that same day coincidentally! i was still pondering to get it or not. eventually, under bishi's advice, i got it. ZZZ.

i still feet fat in it. sian. will a day come when i really become aneroxic? HAHAHAHA. a bit low chance ah. zzz.

camwhore day. feeling better after my flu though my immune system feels shaky and wobbly. must be healthy man. this semester gonna be killer! =(

omg my wee wee eyes. small shits. gonna fall asleep any time soon.

i realized i look better in this. must be cos' of my smile. HAHAHA.

and cos' i'm lazy to re-tilt my pictures, you'll have to tilt your heads. HAHAHA!!! no lah, i felt that some pictures were better left in their original angles HAHAHAH. looks nicer ah. wtf. i'm so lame.

com441 was really mcneal. zzz. henceforth called Prof slowmo. she speaks realllyyyy slowly and does things slowly. the ONLY thing she does way too fast is clicking the stupid powerpoint slides.

kns. i thought bob was bad. slowmo is worse. =((( i didn't even have the chance to copy more than a sentence of words before she changed slides. geez. looks like i must really revise beforehand. if i ever get my bum down to studying...=((((

this is how i look like without specs, without makeup. chui to max.

must really work hard and study hard!!! go go goooo. i lose steam so easily.

and i definitely dread tomorrow's com443 because the groupings will be out. andddd...i really don't wish to have undesirable groups. this grouping is gonna last me damn long ok. SIGH. i need something good finally. please lahhhh. godofprojectgroupings, you've done be enough injustice already.

i want nehneh. i want all the goodstuff. HAHAHAHAH. don't ka boom me =(((. i really wanna do well ok. -waves pomspoms to myself-

pig face me.

$51 buckeroos. this book made me poor.

$45.70 moolahs worth. wah kau. poorer.

my messy bag and stuff. home after school. ohhh!!! see my piggy pencil case??? it's damn CLEAN now ok!!! -beams- i washed it before school started!!! =)))

approximately the time when i was camwhoring. HAHAHHA.

my arms look so thin in all the pictures hor. HAIII. in real life they're tmd thick ok. HAHAHAH. like muscle-y thick =(((.

okaay. just now i wanted to run it started pouring. now it's sunny again! it really feels like decemeber in august. but there are many things i want to be changed by the time it is REALLY december.

so many things i am unhappy and dissatisfied with.

i wish i had more willpower and determination. i falter so easily at times. i wish i wish.

my wishes and daydreams/dreams are sometimes so realistic i can almost feel them at my fingertips. is my imagination too good? this is a positive sign, isn't it?

the book taught me that visualization and believing that you have attained without doubt is one of the largest step one can make.

am i really on my way?
everytime i tell people of my ambition, they tell me without hesitation that i'll achieve it.
how come they can be so sure of that?
or is it mere obligation?

i'll never know.

i like eating icecream during winter.
i like eating icecream on rainy days.


FINALLY! i shall go for some exercise before it rains or i become guilty. sleepy.....

more work awaits when i get back. it's nice to see pictures finally, eh? ((((: