lan lan.

you know how it sucks when you just cannot stop cursing and swearing? i found myself in this state ever since i started school. obviously i try to hold myself back, cos' my friends aren't exactly very vulgar. hah. but somethings really just seem more understandable with FUCK inside. or maybe TMD. (learnt new phrase from ah wan--TMDQS..SUPER FUNNY!) but yea, it's bad lah. children reading, don't learn hor.

sigh. then you realised maybe cos' your life is so fucked up.

was listening to cigarettes and coffee today while slacking and waiting for ESL lesson with grey ge, tomato, koey and priya. it's damn funny lah. talked alot. then mel joined. talked more. then ee teng joined. then ab. SERIOUSLY. and i was fucking supposed to be studying.

gave up anyway. talked hell lot of shit. laughed like mad. good. company's good. =)

friends are so much more easier to make when you just open up, self-disclose, and be spontaneous. hehs. and it's so interesting to have ppl from all walks of life coming into your life. so much to learn. so many stories to hear. so much to digest.

and i give up totally. it's so hard to try portray one image when i get multiple feedback.

aparently, koey thought i was a rock chick when he first saw me. and he still thinks i am. great. and he observed that i wear leggings at least twice every week. BUT, this week never liao ok! ONCE only. hahahaha.

then priya thought i was little miss guai kia. HAHAHAHA.

then grey ge thought i was someone who go chiong almost everyday. THANKS LOR. don't know honoured or insulted.

and glenda saw my tatoos, and thought they were real. LOL. "were they painful?" was the first thing she asked me. hilarious.

she's not the first anyway. i've got people coming up to me and ask me whether it's real/tell me it looks really nice. interesting. i didn't think people would notice. but hell yea. got alot more attention than i thought it would.

somehow it wouldn't go off that easily. must scrub hard.



soft news aside(freak! COM101 term!), i've got mid terms in like...3 fucking days. fucked up. seriously. considering my sat's half gone, and friday's almost over. i've got...1.5 days left. FUCK IT.

kill me. leave some blood behind.

no term break. endless assignments. seriously. what's wrong man. they think we superman/superwomen ah. i mean, i'm not intellectually inclined. and the stress is really pissing me off. it's ruining my...body.

fucking pimples everywhere.
and i binge every night while studying.
KO on bed super easy.
bui dong till morning.
go school chiong and study and do assignments at home.
repeat.


fucked up. others can cope. NOT ME OK. sigh. i asked for help finally. not going for tuition on mon and tues. i need that extra time i can get.
tml still got ultra duper long day of tuitioning though. sucks.


i've got to stop eating. going to burst liao can.


you know how you know somethings just aren't the same? when you try to be modest and hide things you don't want people to know, try to praise people for their hard work which paid off, and feeling REALLY happy for them.
things changed. i changed.
i guess somethings just don't mean that much. others took their places.

somehow, some people, are better left alone. better to stay passive, then try to act all chummy and be nice, when you just want to be...there.

you need people with same frequency lah.

i've got to be less sacarstic.

LOL. and daffy is funny. really. JLO. wah thanks. with his concept of godly talents. tsk. shall not go into details. i'm honoured. and he's really nice anyway.


weekend is short. i need more hours in one day.

go listen to coffee and cigarettes. it's addictive. it's tragic.

no link.

life has been a bitch recently. but things are made so much smoother and easier with these girls around.

but life's still a bitch. and today i did a FIRST.
yea, hel you should know. it's a secret between the two of us ok? sigh. but i'm still worried and perplexed over what actually is happening inside me. hahaha.

my heart beat like mad while waiting.
something i don't want to experience again definitely.

mid-terms are next week already. so dead, so dead.
everyday i go to school and think i am ready to face the lectures and tutorials.
i do try my best, i swear.
i stay up late into the night just to finish assignments and pray hard i don't fall asleep during class.
i try to give quality work.

and i think i know what i am doing and writing. yet sometimes, i feel so jaded i start to question whether i do really know. it's so complex, yet so simple.

am i complicating things?

i must study harder. catch up on things i have no idea on. because the rest are. and i cannot lag behind. sigh.
life of a student they say, is truly much more desirable than that of a working adult.
so i better treasure these shitty times, for if the saying is true, life can only get bitchier.

---

ah, according to ab, "we are roped into the double A". HAHAHA. seriously, and alex just now asked me to go sing ktv along. "ask aby come along also"--he says. *grins* but then again, asides from this minor distraction, i've come only to realise yet again how i've misjudged.

maybe the double A is not so double A. for their presence seems less bright now. maybe it's the getting used to.
maybe, it's simply us over-reacting.

cannot judge people by their appearances. alex doesn't turn out to be as bad as he looks. friendly, camp instructor and a singer and performer! who can tell! *grins*

so, abby. moral of story is: maybe i am not as kiap-pa inside as i look on the outside. HAHAHAH. maybe i'm those cannot-ah-bu-shuang-ah-*PIAK*-kinda-look BUT as gentle and sweet as an angel on the inside.. LOL.

okok, digression.

---

oh, tml is book out day aka my last day of school for the week! double yay-ity. =)
sometimes i think whether my happiness is based on imaginary emotions.

lateness is NOT a virtue.

it sucks being late always. seriously. worst when you step out of your gate and watch the dumb bus zoom past you. immediate PEK CEK-NESS.

i just want a chauffeur. but this kinda things, omphh how much i think also not much use leh. =X

everlast omph also no use one. sian liao. hahaha. and his last fingernail freaking long. CAN WA PI SAI hor hel? HAHAHAH.

sigh. anyway, gotta thank weijin for his honey drink for me. sweet. =)

pics part two!









i'm gonna crash and burn soon.

cam whoring part one.

HAHAHA. the pictures speak much by themselves. =)
school sucks, but everything seems better with them around.

sigh. work never seems to ever STOP. fucking just stop piling us with work!!! THERE'S TESTS NEXT WEEK ALREADY!
mid terms. i'm so dead. sighhh.

dammit. i feel like i am under this huge pressure ball sometimes. pressing down on me. can hardly breathe.

anyway, the pics.
*grins*

warning: extreme retardation alert. hahahah.

head is a spinning.

my head is fucking spinning.
i feel like i just got off the dumb teacup ride in genting.
only that this time..

i'm delirious one second, then depressed the next.
i feel so uncontrolled with my emotions,
my actions,
my anger,
my disappointment,
my expectations,
my frustrations.

i hate my life.
i hate myself.
period.

i feel like i'm fighting a god damn war i cannot win.
but i'm just fighting to prove my worth.
to prove that i am as good as the others,
to prove that i can catch up with the rest.

but i'm struggling.
and the defensive side of me you see,
the side where i protect myself and appear so hostile and unapproachable, so fierce and so unfriendly,
is the side i am, when i feel unfamiliarities,
when i feel that u are able to hurt me,
when you have the abilities to see through my vulnerabilities.

when i feel that i am nothing,
but a lousy piece of shit.
and i thought that i could change you,
but to no avail.


when i did so much wrong,
i no longer knew what's right and what's not.
when i'm so exhausted,
i bloody cannot thing straight.


when i created things intentionally,
only to destroy them.

i'm such a bitch.
but i'm such an angel.
i'm a little of both,
only which side do you see me to be?


who will be there to catch me when i fall?
who will be there to hold me when i crumple?
who to dry my tears when i cry?
who to see through my masks and let me lean on for support?
who for me to bully and yell vulgarities at?
who to accept me for who i am,
not try to change me,
or make me feel like shit,
and love me at the end of the day.

can you do that?
can YOU?

can you make me feel less useless.
less like a lousy person.
less like someone who is...non-existent.
someone who is like the rest.

how can we behave, to be appropriate?
when i thought i was falling in love,
then i'm not too sure suddenly.

when i thought that was that,
but i was proven wrong.
when i thought you were you,
then i saw another side i wished to never see.


so i ignored. and i tried to ignore.
so hard, i did try.
i tried to ignore what i saw, to pretend to be things i never saw.
to pretend i did not know things i knew.
to pretend i don't care when i do.
to pretend i do not love you, when my heart screams yes.
then again, do i know what is love?

everything contradicts.
maybe a drop too much i've had, maybe.
maybe i needed that.
to unwind.

when i awake the next day,
things will change, things will be different.

i just carry on with life,
i just carry on with my homework and reports and research and assignments.
time never seems to stop.
my life seems to screw me up.

i control fate?
i believed.
then i fell victim: fate controls me.
it fucking sucks.
when you are so defiant.
and you feel so uncontrollable, so...lost.
uncertain.

alcohol. bitter sweet.
high, supreme.
lows, depressing.
delirious one moment, and down the next.
you just wait for the next high.
and drown amidst your hidden tears.

as your heart forms a dam and screams silently,
and you hold your mask as calmly as you can.

who really see through you?
who?
your enemy?
or soulmate?
no one?
or simply...
you are alone in this world.
no one can save yourself,
only you yourself can.

cos' the world keeps spinning, as does my head.
time waits for no man.

the rose on my arm.
the scorpion on my wrist.
i'm a combination of both.
which drives me crazy.
because both cannot exist at the same time,
just like we two cannot.
yet when they do meet,
the intensity and chemistry is overwhelming.
so strong it blows me backwards.
it strikes me momentarily.


tragedy.
replaces.
joy.
vice versa.

pics pics pics!

HAHAHA. this is what you do when you are ultra duper bored and nothing to do.

well, it's basically the few of us slacking around at the bench..=X
hahahah. started taking pictures..don't know why. maybe it's the BLACK thing. hahaha. yating is PINK gang one.

anyway, i screwed up big time.

i was doing something, distracted, while A.Lee was calling out names to mark attendance.

"Leon lai?"
(me thinking the singer...) "LEON LAI???"
"what? cannot ah?" (from leon lai personally himself)


WAH. i tell you. i was feeling pissed and paiseh at the same time. super sian. just kill me.
NOT LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN JACKING YOU CAN, HELLO. i not so free. grrrr. super don't like the double A people. grrrr.


but saw andro guy in sim today. woooo! hahaha. reminded me of jiang zhi shu. LOL.

abby! stop looking at the same things i look at too! (or vice versa) LOL. somehow, we just get attracted to observe the same things...or people. *grins*

and the rain beats down on me.

i'm so lethargic and i don't want to do the stupid communications report. i haven't even freaking started it.
=(

my search for the dress will be held on wednesday and thursday after school, which is like 530pm? SUCKS. and people who know me know that i don't wear dresses. TSK. deep shit.

i'm not dreading school. i'm just dreading the workload.

yet sometimes i feel so jaded...i just don't want to give a damn. but things just have to come and pester me. GRRRR.

well, i think more people than i know actually read my blog. which is surprising. but not that i can help it. content is open to interpretation.


just had a passing thought: isn't it sad to be known as "XXX's girlfriend"?

like seriously. i wouldn't be proud of it. i mean, it's the feeling of being related to someone. like you are a nobody without that certain person. like you are just..there. it's sad. and it's sadder cos' i might be one such case.


but then again, i behave so differently among different people, i hardly know who is the true me. i can be so introverted at times, yet so boisterous and unglamourous, so daring and attitude, so vulgar and uncouth, so gentle and caring, so understanding and passive.

i don't understand. maybe because different situations call for different characters? or maybe i'm a mixture of everything. being too versatile. being too...everything. all rolled into one.

one thing is for sure. i cannot be sexy or glamourous, or elegant. FOR SURE. double chop plus guarantee. HA.
quite sad.

and i have no defined style. keeps changing. keeps..alternating. but it still circles around one main personality. only if you observe carefully, then you'll notice. not like people would bother to do that.


godly deva sent me a msg today! YAY! freaking delirious. ABBYI'VEBEENCHOSEN! *grins*

okkk. i'm tired. i feel jaded.
i can beso fucking anti-social sometimes. which i don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. *frowns*

happy bday to turks!

went paragon's ding tai feng to celebrate captain turks's birthday!




look! the birthday girl! hahahah. her glamour-ised pose.



her birthday cake.




she is VERY happy with us. HAHAHAAH.




SUPER happy. =)




the cake. yums.




friday nighters minus quek. =(




had a fun time today! watched "john tucker must die" with paula, monz, turks. kept laughing. funny.

=D

sigh. i guess i might be missing the sjab outing next saturday. see how first. =X

and i seriously need to get that stupid dress. sighhh. so stressed.

tell me how can i look elegant????
I AM NOT ELEGANT. act meh? =(


see how lah. stress stress.


people said my cheese tarts are damn nice. hahahahaah. im overjoyed. =)

boys!

i just realised that all my classes consists of boys...and only boys. DAMMIT.

sec 1 english--5 boisterous guys.
pri 5 and 6 CE--8 crazy and loud-mouthed-i-like-to-challenge-you-teacher boys.
pri 4 english--4 boys.
pri 1 english--1 boy.

finally, pri 3 maths, ONE GIRL. YEAAAAA!!!!


good. very good. no wonder i end up with no voice at the end of day.

my voice is...almost gone.

really. i mean i will go off-tone. =X


i did something secretive! =D
tml you guys will know.
celebrating turks bday tml! yaysss. =)


HAPPY BRITHDAY FANGZ! i still love you, babe. =)


bloody exhausted. i think i suffer from sleep deficiency. super deficiency.
i go off already. night! =)


godisnotnicetome,abby.

finally, it's over.

UGC TEST ONE IS OVERRRRR. everyone cheer!!!!

ok, i'm like totally divine now. so bloody exhausted.
got more stuff to settle.

and ESL today was a superrrr heart attack. i DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT EVER AGAIN. oh god. abby, remember our contract ok!!! god.
deva the god. HAHAHAHA.

but surprisingly we pulled through ESL again. tsk. somehow we are the smokers.

oh! my PSY test got 9/10 also. no biggie, considering everyone full marks also. sian sian sian. why they so smart!

hmmmm. then abbas called during ESL, and i was wondering why. then when i called back, he told me his date pangseh-ed him this morning for his ocs social night. damn suey. so he needed a date lah. then i thought maybe i could help him. =X

a friend in need mah.

but i had to pangseh ming. so sorry! owe you one!

but anyway, bottom line was i was damn under dressed. but cannot be bothered man. so tired. then had to smile and introduce myself to MILLIONS of people. i cannot even rmb their names! gosh.

but the games and activities were relatively entertaining. hahaha. caught up with abbas after a super long time too. =)
i enjoyed myself lah, don't worry. it's just the exhaustion. maybe i'm not so divine afterall.

ha. anyway, look was ming did!


nice right!!!

my name, i mean. =) stars.

and i'm still waiting for my cross stitch dear!

mutual trust. it means alot to me, cos' my heart is entirely with you already...you have to believe me..

please. that's all i ask for. your trust, respect and love. =)

ok, i'm outta here. another hectic tuitioning day tml. and i signed up for simfloorball. =)



school's good with my friends. =) hahaha. knowing new people everyday rocks. really. *grins*

computer science and A.Lee!

i got a freaking 9/10 for my first CSE quiz. omfg. i'm serious.

i'm delirious. hahahah. okok, so what if many others got full marks? i mean, i'm not in that intelligence range, so if i can get a freaking godly 9/10, then i'm very very very ultra duper glad.

one step nearer to my GPA 3.7. my aimmmm.

"wah! jielin! you did very well!"

"errrr...*silently screamed OMG in my brain when i saw the unmistakable NINE* ok lah, i didn't expect this results..my computer knowledge sucks one.."

"how can you say that! i expect you to get a "A" for my course!"

".......cannot man..i not so smart..."

"CAN ONE LAH!"


-_-'''
stress.

not that i DON'T WANT to ace, but i know my limits. and i'm not exactly academically gifted. HAH. that belongs to the brain. it's depressing cos' someone said i look like PINKY. tell me it's a compliment.

school today was crazy. one lesson after another.
met koey at the bus stop AGAIN. damn coincidence.
stupid com101 in the morning with the screwed-up-can't-be-bothered lecturer with no logic or sense whatsoever. slacked throughout. worrying for my project and report already. SHIT.
suan-ed dearest abby throughout the lecture...well, make that throughout the DAY. HAHAHAHA.

poor abby. but you damn scandalous. =D but just be careful ok! some guys must be on guard one. =) anything, jelly is here for you to talk to. *GRINS*

then ESL. group work as usual. and then another presentation. but it's dumb cos' i don't have the emails or phone numbers of the other group members. *grimace* how to discuss about project like that??? presentation on friday leh!

speaking of which, friday got UGC test. and i haven't finished studying. gotta buck up afterwards. but i'm so sleepy and tired...=(

i want to join a sport cca in SIM, but i really find myself drowning in my schedule. not once i go to bed wide awake ever since school started. i just plonk on my bed everynight and K.O within 1 minute. very bad.
and don't tell me to stop tuitioning cos' that's where my money is coming from. and i'm not like the other lucky friends i have whose parents give allowance. sigh.

cannot complain right? poor girl must work harder lor. at least if eventually i do pull through this shit of 3 years, i can be very proud of myself and declare that i worked my ass through it and i deserved every inch of my success.

right?

dear is back! yays.
i'm supposedly back on diet again, with the rest. but i seem to be eating tuna sandwiches everyday. very bad. hahahha. fruits diet? tomorrow lah! *grins*

okkkk. i'm off.

black fingernails.

somehow, i'm so attracted to this guy i saw on the bus.

he had black painted fingernails which were peeling off like mine.
he had a diamond ear stud on his left ear.
and he was looking at MY fingernails periodically too,
which well..made me notice him.

HAHAHA.

it's so funny.
cos' i don't see guys with painted nails on the streets everyday. and i sat opposite one on the bus today. interesting. somehow those nails made me daydream about rocker dudes with bands that play music in pubs and bars and made me wish that i wanted to be a girlfriend of a drummer or guitarist of a rock band. =D hallucinations, i'll call that.

well you have to pardon me.

i'm going fucking mad from UGC. names that don't even sound like names. freak. and i'll never finish studying.
=(

bus-ed with koey this morning cos' i saw him at the bus stop alone like me, so we chatted for a while till we reached our lecture hall. it's funny cos' he looks so young like a fresh grad from JC that i forgot he had already completed army. TSK. it's good to look young. and well, he doesn't smoke, which is rather miraculous.

DON'T SMOKE.

ha.

school was good today. laughed alot with the girls. =) yet drifted off into empty dazes once in a while.

i need to know more guy friends. =D

i miss him. come back soon! i've got surprises for you!


tuition was tolerable. freaking tired. and i have, HAVE to finish studying UGC. i cannot believe i'm so slow.

but i am.


sucks. =(
don't ever call your kid hatshepsut, or akhenaten, or tutankhamun, or rameses II, or hittite, or what ever shit.
because i might murder them.

i'm at egypt, and i think i forgot everything about homosapiens and mesopotamia. oh god. OSIRIS MY LORD, YOU ARE MY SAVIOUR AND I NEED YOUR BLESSING TO OVERCOME UGC QUIZ 1.

surprise lunch jielin.

today was...romantic.
hahahha.
breakfast at the cheese prata shop where i ordered their special of cheese, potato and egg! YUMS i tell you. better than his egg onion and...what? cheese? hahaha. i forgot. =p

i can tell he liked my prata, but lucky he didn't steal it this time! always steal the food i order! =D (ok lah,once=always) *GRINS*

contentment. then bus-ed to his house to chill out.

had a "surprise lunch jielin" cake for well..lunch. HA.





seriously, it did surprise me. heh. =)


happiness. romance. really. i could just let time stop at that moment. chocolate makes people happy! =)))))







one thing led to another.





but im overall very contented.

oh ya, seriously, i'm getting used to this ups and downs of the relationship. at least they balance off quite well. polar opposites..hahaha, they say opposites attract. but that is only partially true. they attract and repel. must see situation and timing one. HA.




rained super heavily when i left. hahaha. umbrella, me, you. overhead bridge, staircases, raindrops, wet backs/bags, wet shoes, soggy socks, running away with the umbrella from you, the chase, the laughter. hahaha.

very entertaining indeed.

the concept of needing each other at times, and not so at other times. how can emotions be so versatile? yet when it comes, it's so...intense?


UGC is killing me. on a sunday. sunday, when people are supposed to be most relaxed..and relaxed.
so gonna flunk it if i don't start studying.





why do people continue waiting..when they know there will not be any positive results in the end? in the long run? why do people can blinded by pain and love, and our past? we have to move ahead, cos' life will not wait for us. to be strong again, because other things in life will knock us down and run us over.

why? why do we still do things we know are stupid, and continue letting ourselves FEEL stupid. stupid people.

i want to stop all these emo stuff and start being stable all over again.


so stop emo-ing me. i'm fine. =)

ohhh, someone is going to take ONE YEAR to stitch cross-stitch. quite sweet lah. *grins*



i think...i might be falling.

eat bread.

i'm so broke i'm gonna have to eat bread for some time. SIGH. dammit, i really am feeling very.....restricted financially.

i know i cannot demand allowance, because it's just not right. but i'm.......poor.


i know i know. i'll just spend less right? shop less. eat less restaurants. entertainment less.

today went bugis. bugis ROBBED me.

fuck. i feel so awful.


i shall not think about the money lost and just WEAR THE CLOTHES I BOUGHT. RAHHHHHHH. at least i like them, and that's what that matters right???


fuck. must study UGC. i'm getting more and more vulgar on this blog. maybe because of the pent up frustrations.

i don't want to talk about tuition. cos' although it makes me happy, it fucking makes me feel like shit too.





i try and try and try and try and try and you still end up like that. you don't know.

dale blogging.

hahaha! see that cute little dale there? it's from monz(and edwin i think) for me!!! so sweet hor! apparently, you guys should know that i'm DALE, and edwin's CHIP(CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!) and monz's CHUNK(the housefly that won't budge). HAHAHAHAHA. it's funny. but the gesture was sweet lah. managed to...think somemore. and the jay's cd was good. and everything was so sweetly familiar i lavished in the moment. the car, the system blaring, the slacking at the back seat, watching monz and edwin in front, watching the surroundings whiz by me, just...being there.


sigh. anyway, ESL is becoming a subject i dread. the worst thing i hate about literary writing is that you get restricted by another style. i mean, different people have different ways of expression, and when you are told that you are WRONG, it kinda just hits back at your face like a tight slap. sigh. is there really right and wrong in writing?


UGC test next week. doom. doom.

wenta esplanade's max brenner's for CHOCOLATE LUNCH! YAYYYYYY. hahahah. damn high. chocolate is instant drug to euphoria. belgium chocolate waffles. AND I TIED A KNOT ON THE CHERRY STALK. teeheehee. *grins*

i'm starting to love the girls. i mean, at least it's cool we can hang out and stuff, and i actually have people same frequency with me. =) i guess we meet people for a reason eh?


friday's good. met monz and edwin at tbp for dinner! fast forward to settlers at katong. alfie and kok joined us too. hahaha. super fun.

but the moment i stepped into there, this waiter came forward and asked the group of us "are you guys from SIM?"

so i was like..."uhhh, yea, i am." (cos' the rest weren't and edwin was parking the car)

then he was like..."YA! i saw you in school before!"

so i was like..."ehhhh, okkkk." (seriously, i never saw him before and i don't think i am THAT attractive)

but anyway, it's irrelevant. hahaha. maybe he remembered me for doing something dumb or dressing terribly or something. tsk.



played PIT!(!!!!) and HOGWASHHHHHHH(i love pigs! i am ZHU WANG cos' i got FIVE pigs! they were so cute lah, i wanted to kidnap one home =() and lastly truth or dare jenga. tsktsk. the truth or dare was ruthless. HAHAHA. but it was damn funny. all the games were really crazy. spilt alot of water and stuff. hahahah. couldn't stop laughing. really enjoyable. freaking high from laughing. hahaha. i really miss them loads. RBG! =) great destress friday night.

truth or dare, videos, ruthless dares, porn stars.
alfie--proposing to unknown girl while kneeling on one of his knees.
kok liang--dancing with umbrella in the middle of the shop shaking his butt and saying "XIA YU LE!"
edwin--drinking water from a little girl's powerpuff waterbottle(the father looked like he wanted to bash him up initially. poor boy.)
me--crabwalking through the shop clapping my hands (in jumping jack manner) and cheering "WOOO WOOO" -_-'''
monz--BLOWING RASPBERRY ON ERHEM. damn porno. blow then blow lah, she kept up and down. hahahaha.

it's freaking hilarious.

then cinderella me chiong-ed home on edwin's car. thank god and i managed to beg my ma to give me 10min leeway. *cold sweat*







SIGH. so here i am back at home. tired but contented. =)
tml's hiong tuition day but i'm sure it'll be tolerable cos' it's manicure at bugis then shopping with monz! YAY. hahaha.

sighhh. study time too though. stresssssssss.

and i realised maybe it won't be so easy to ace english already. which is fucking depressing cos' i start to wonder WHAT AM AI GOOD AT THEN?
*shrugS*
maybe i'm good at nothing much. i mean god is fair right? HA. contradicting.

penalty is the beginning of love. tSK.



i was told my new bag looks like a travelling bag. anything lor. hahaha, i like big bags. =)


ok, i'm damn tired. update soon. =)

I LOVE MY FRIENDS, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. *smiles*

short wednesday.

YAY. CSE111 was cancelled so our last lessons was effectively taken off the time table. but i still think they could have the courtesy to tell us one day earlier, and at least i wouldn't have to lug that damn heavy EXCEL book to school. *WHINE*

hahahah.

oh wells, it's a relatively short day compared to the past few days. snuck back home to catch some close-eye. PHEW. now i'm awake, need to conquer my UGC and ESL assignments..due on friday. SIAN. and i heard there is a ESL test this friday too. *GASPS*

hahaha. suan lerrrr.

anyway, yesterday night was pleasant, talking to abby online till SUPER late. today morning was damn zombie-fied lah. don't like those feeling. luckily i get more awake as the day passes. heh.

he made the decision to carry on the r/s, but i'm still so worried and scared. things will be different now won't it? i mean...i really want to try my best to close up that rift in between, but if he won't let me, then i'll wouldn't be able to do it..i really don't wanna be just another companion in your life. i want to be something more. someone who actually means A LOT to you, and not just someone you can do without. i want you to NEED me.

maybe that i basically what i want in a relationship.



sigh. you know, sometimes it's easier if i don't try to act smart and open my mouth to ask people questions. i end up with shocking answers which i hoped i never would know. WHY DO I GO CREATE TROUBLES FOR MYSELF? i really am such a klutz in life.

see lah! now i find out another secret i shouldn't have known. but it's still not going to make any difference cos' i don't plan to do anything about it. yups. and not that the other person will too.

cos' i know where my heart lies.


yet, after talking to ab yesterday, i suddenly found myself thinking about several questions.

how can i find out whether i like someone just because he is the IDEAL kind of man i wish to fall in love with, as opposed to someone who doesn't fulfil any of my "criteria" at all, yet i still like him?


how can i separate and differentiate the various emotions interconnected to the sense of familiarity and the fear of leaving this comfort zone?


every little things we indulge in day to day are habits we need to break at some time or another. just like how i need to forget you, if the situation calls for it. breaking habits can be so easy for some, so tedious for others. so painless for some, so heart-wrenching in other cases.

how can i find out whether i'm just afraid to lose this regular way of life or that i really do like someone?



aw shucks. i wonder what he would think of to these questions.

BAH. back to assignments i guess, if i can actually decipher what those UGC notes are talking about. so bad, really bad.

this is why.

i was marking the scripts due on saturday today at the centre cos' i was relatively early. came upon something that made me laugh outloud. maybe this is why i'm needed to teach english.

How did the little boy catch Mrs Lim's attention?(comprehension question)
The boy stuck out his hand to catch Mrs Lim's attention.(student's answer)


see, the point is, if the boy mentioned DID stuck out his hand in the passage to catch Mrs Lim's attention, everything would have been fine. but NO, the boy was walking around aimlessly in the passage, and THAT caught her attention.

i think the student thought the question meant it LITERALLY how to CATCH atttention. -_-'''



oh god, the number of hours i've been sleeping since school start is crazy. as in crazily little.

and i screwed up the stupid PSY test. stupid shuffle system, ended up with the stupidly tough batch of questions which stupid me cannot answer. hope can stupidly pass lah. dammit. stupid day.

today was bad. early morning swearing and cursing and crying myself awake is so bad. my eyes are permanently swollen and i look like a freaking goldish. i want to stop crying!!!!

UGC is like alien talking to me. not ET kinda alien. as in ALIEN ALIEN. i'm gonna take half my life to remember how to spell those alien-ish words.


i miss you. and i want this so much. but i know pressure is not the way to go. i wonder what you want from this relationship? i can always accomodate. sigh. i don't want to make a choice, because if i were to, i'll choose none. but yet i want you so bad. you you you.

please fucking just choose me.


ahhhhh. i'm so confused sometimes. do i listen to my heart or mind?
which do you listen to?


in order for others to trust you too, does it mean you have to open up to them first? mutual disclosure?

oh god, i love the bamboo thingys he gave me. it's like 24/7 in my bag. hehs. sweetness.

yawns. laters.

exhausted exhausted.

it's into the second week of school and i think i can hardly take anymore of this shit. these shit, more likely.

i think i don't have enough time to rest. all spare time is spent studying and reading up on things that i have no idea of. i must stop complaining, because i chose to take this course due to interest. so although it's so fucking foreign, i must conquer it. I MUST.

i'm taking another tuition slot on tuesdays from 730 to 9pm. wish me all the best man. the extents i'll go to just to earn money.

it's time to save. sigh.

in case you are blur-rified by recent happenings, you need to know how evil i am. how guilty i'm feeling, and how hard i'm trying to ignore everything and get over myself.

sigh. really exhausted. is there another better vocabulary for WORSE THAN EXHAUSTED? cos' i think i am. conquered computer science test today. PSY test in a few hours. good good luck to me. wednesday is ESL assignment due which i haven't touched. i need a freaking break. i think my body is protesting. the lack of sleep is not helping. the crying and the pain will not go away either..

i'm sorry for whatever i've brought upon myself and the others. the hurt is magnified everytime i recall the sweet memories. even the painful ones seem like nothing now, compared to this shit.

i'm prepared to face all decisions by you. sigh, i know i'm not that strong to do what needs to be done, but at least i'll try.

what do i really want? what you YOU want? what is OUR future? who am I to YOU? these are the questions that has been running through my brain...

how easy is it for YOU to let go? it's so darn difficult for me..

how easy will it be to forget? everything reminds me of you.


so much going on. i just want to push everything aside and fucking study. get things into my god damn retarded brain.

crying drains me. emotion burdens bothers me. i need a place of solace. i need to rest. yet my schedule is not allowing me this luxury.


on a lighter note, thanks to all my dearest friends who have tagged the board with sweet msges. those who called to ask about me. those who smsed me to give valuable advice and encouragements. those who made me stronger.

i really appreciate it in times like this..


oh turks, the friday nighters this sat is cancelled.


for now, i don't wanna think. i don't wanna make any decisions. i wanna detatch myself from all this pain. run away if i can. even not forever, just for the time being.

for the first time in a very long time, i really feel strained and expanded emotionally and physically. i don't think i can take more. but i have to...

thanks to all. i'll fight harder.

what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
just pardon me, if my smile seems really forced when i see you. it's not that i am nto happy to see you, it's just that my mask is falling apart.

ah, fuck it.

i don't know what to make up of the recent events.
have you came upon a point of time whereby you just feel bombarded by things and people into your life, when you haven't been giving the slightest notice?

it's like a tornado sweeping you off your feet.
it's like..screwed up.

curfew vs parents battle.
exasperation.


then there's __________.

i feel so torn. and i don't want to feel torn. how the fuck am i supposed to feel? my heart is ripped into two. i don't even know what i want now.

why does it have to happen now? what did i get myself into? why didn't i stop the moment i saw the signs? why did this happen?
is it my fault?

whyyyyy.

why must you all come attack me, when i've done nothing. all i want are you all to care for me. i indulge in it. because i thought you all see me as your younger sister.
everything seemed fine.

all till you all come say words like that.

what the hell is wrong.



maybe it's just me.
for now, just leave me alone to my thoughts.
let me cry it all out.
let me scream it all out.
let me dwell on it. feel guilt. feel sucked. feel loser-ed. feel lost. feel torn. feel ripped. feel down. feel...naked.

i've committed crimes i've always condemned and destested. i'm becoming someone i used to curse and swear at. i've become someone...hate-able.

god, i'll be better off if all of you hate me. i cannot take this anymore.

how can i bring myself to stop hating myself.
things cannot be solved so easily..

i want to run away. run away for the time-being. just for now. i need a break. i'm so exhausted i'm crumpling. i'm...struggling inside to be nice and civil. to be...me. but i just want to lash back harshly sometimes. because i need space. i need time. i need...to be alone. i need to think. this week has drained me mentally and physically i cannot think logically. i'm commiting more and more mistakes with every step i take.

i'm hurting more and more people every action i make. i don't intend to do so, yet i've done all. how can i remedy this?

by disppearing from the face of earth? probably.

things will be so much better if i never lived on this earth at all.


i'm going straight to hell.
no one can help me now.

if you hate me, i won't blame you. i hate myself too.