SIGH.

i hate it when things bother me.
and i've got plenty on my mind right now.
definitely not in the best of moods,
could someone be my salvation please?


opening VE tomorrow. sigh. work sucks.
i need to shit.
constipation feeling. sian.
need more veggies and fruits!
/edit/
just shitted. yay!


never ending stuff to study.
i'll never make it.
dammit. MUST MAKE IT.
GO GOGOGOGOGOGOOOO.


sometimes i really think i ask for it mans. zzz.
making myself suffer the consequences of my actions.
why sia? jielin you are always so stupid.
get your rationality back!!!


anyway i think fatbear doesn't pamper me already. HAHAH.
aye. partly because he's busy studying lah.
sheesh. aiya nevermind.


i shall go emo myself crazy.
and worry myself shitless with all that is on my mind. =((((
don't want it to happen! +((( CANNOT.
ok, i will believe it won't happen.




i never learn from my mistakes.
what an idiot you are, jielin.

my eyes are gone.

finally, tonight i'm sitting here not doing anything project related.
only because com443 group presentation #4 is finally over. and i'm awaiting the exam#2. doom. i've not yet touch the 7 chapters to be tested. and it's freaking thick--the textbook. =(


and i've got com441 awaiting me too. wow.
i really...need proper sleep.
i can doze off anywhere, anytime now.

and i really should be sleeping instead of blogging.
i think i'll regret it when i wake up for school later.


shall make it a fast one.


today i woke up late. was supposed to meet in school at 8am. i woke up at 715am. took a cab.
zzzzz. i've been spending bombs on cabs this month. seriously.
damn bad. it's a habit i thought i quit, but it's so fucking addictive.


in any case, i wasn't the latest, nor the earliest.
got some things done up last minute. watched them rehearse for the ppt.
felt jumpy until it was finally our turn.
the entire group was so tensed and worried and nervous before and during the presentation. no joke. and bob's comment regarding our group evaluation/reflection #4 did not help to calm our nerves.



i think we were all starving because it was too early and none of us had taken our breakfast.
so the moment our presentation and class ended, we snapped up the snacks brought to school by sharul(from her deepavali celebrations the day before). HAHAHAH.

gone in a minute. no joke.


overall, i think we did relatively better than the previous time.
(: i'm so proud of everyone and every bit of sleep lost.
we aren't the best, but i can really feel hard work from everyone.
let's not be anal and measure the amount of hard work by individuals lah.

connect@six makes my com443 days better. really. and this isn't even close to real working life. sigh.


november timetable for VE is out. working as much. these two months, my income from VE has seen a multiple of 4 jump! like. wtf. and i'm suffering when it comes to studies. really bad.

sigh. no excuses for less work to be done academically. but still....
i'm just so so so very tired.
but work hard for $$ and AA i must.


and i must think of how to slot in more tuitions. geez.



my kids don't need holidays one. zzzz. good for me lah, but.....more........sleeplessness and less....time. =(



ok. no pictures though i've got plenty in my file archive waiting to be uploaded.
sorry for being so text heavy.



/sometimes i reject.
because i don't want it to happen.
because it may be disastrous.
and somehow it never seemed to occur to you.
how is that possible?
i jsut can't speak about it.
and so, you may never know.

pray it will not happen.
it will not.
i believe./

hating.it.

work at VE was so bad i wanted to go home the moment i stepped into the place.
i struggled my first half of the shift alone.
busy like fuck.
public holidays are crazy. human flow like non-stop. brought my laptop but didn't get any work done. zzz.


Hboss came. and more work was assigned to me. i think partly because he's lazy to do all that shit and i had to do them. tired out.
tmd. spent 1 hours plus changing rentals to ex-rentals and putting them into respective files and sleeves, then bringing out the casings to place them into the trolleys outside. fuck. i felt so beaten.


got scolded some more. face black until cannot black anymore. and Hboss knows.
but who cares. i didn't speak much, other than entertaining customers.
Hboss bought me a drink and told me he didn't mean to scold me. but somethings should really not be done. okays.


LF did some mindfucking i think. whatevers.
VE people are so scheming, evil and are cunning backstabbers.
so sick of all that politics.
will leave asap. GRRR.
and doesn't justify the amount of work i have to do at that given pay.
i mean...i AM learning customer service and PR skills. but i feel like shit.


i shall guard myself against everyone in VE. grrr.



finally home after a long lond day.
started working on 441. and now i've got to do 443 before my brain fries itself. zzz.


now, i truly believe i can still die even though i'm positive i'm dead.
what an irony.

weekends have merged to become weekdays.
awesome shits.
start of new week.
start of my sleepless week.

random musings on sunday.

it's night again and here i am typing this.
been a relatively trying-hard-to-relax-sunday.


woke up late. was supposed to pop by fatbear's place to slack and do project stuff.
plus he bought breakfast! (:
so instead of arriving around 9plus, i only reached about 11am. HAHA.
and i cabbed lor. but there were hardly any taxis today!
and weisi called while i was impatiently waiting for cab. proj stuff =(


the princess finally arrives at fatbear's place to see a sleeping pig.
zzz. HAHA.
breakfast was filling.

work.
zzz.
work.
zzz.



nevermind. very long never spend quality time with fatbear already.
sigh. next few weeks not going to get easier.



more calls from pris and weisi. more proj stuff to settle.
at least we're moving ahead.
i've got tons of word docs to look through. oh god.
let my brain function at top quality please.


dinner was at fatbear's too.
the mum made me eat damn alot. omg. so fat!
HAHAHA.
but she's getting nicer and nicer.


and i really like fatbear's family. everyone is so closely knit.



in any sense. i cabbed home too. =.=
but instead of the super quiet driver i had for morning, this cab driver started talking to me the moment fatbear closed the door of the cab. omg.
=.=
like non-stop all the way from ulupanjang to west coast.
HAHAHAH.

but he was very very nice. really.
i like cab drivers like him.
they really make my day so much better.
nice uncles (:



talked about life, family, studies, jobs, hopes, past experiences etc.
he gave me quite alot of insight to life.
and optimism. (: thank you uncle!
thanks for having confidence and faith in me! i will work hard! (:



this is why i like conversing with older and more mature people.
because they make my childish mind better than before.


warmth.


he said i have a good solid voice. HAHA. yea. significant of a characteristic.
and i have the right height and dressing.
good facial features and overall image critical for future jobs.
good family background and personality.
can these really say much about me? really? will i be successful based on these characteristics?


ok. HAPPY DEEPAVALI MY DEAR FRIENDS!
if you are bored and lonely, come find me at clementi VE because i'll be working.
yay my exciting life. HA HA HA.


so tired. never can seem to TRULY rest. but...i must remain happy and optimistic!!!
YES!!! every day is a new day. i will make it. (:
there has to be a reason why they said so.


need to start planning my schedule again. really no time.
i can't seem to balance well enough. =(
good academics, good income, good social life. sigh.

good night.

utterly lost.

thank you fatbear for always being there for me.
you make my world so much better.
even though things are crashing around me, you remain my stable support; unfaltering.


tuition for B. then last minute for P because she wanted. one hour only, then i had to rush home to change my clothes for VE.
VE-ed all the way to 11pm. shagged.
the usual regulars.
and yesterday during my friday shift, one of the weird guys who smiled at me LAST friday asked for my name today. and he introduced himself to me. zzz. and he asked if i always worked that shift. zzzzzz.



and today i worked with Hboss a little. Pboss during the changeover. and apparently from Hboss, i learnt that MY gossips quite a bit and tell tales to Pboss regarding all the employees she's worked with. this is damn bad news. i'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful when speaking around her. zzz.


closing went smoothly. everything went smoothly.
same few weirdos. but i wasn't in the mood to care.
did the usual pleasantries--smile greet thank welcome.



i feel...as COM443 continues further...speechless.
suddenly, i am plagued constantly by self-doubt.
as though i'm never good enough. and i never will be.
i'm not creative. i'm not good at execution. i'm not good enough. fundamental as that.
it's...a foreign feeling. something i've not experienced in a long while.
my world IS crashing.


and this feeling is not in isolation.


COM441 is rendering me even more confused.
Public Relations is something i've always dreamt and desired to do since i was in JC.
now that i am actually studying it, i feel as though i'm not made to fit that job.
it doesn't seem like what i've envisioned it to be all along.
it's...as though...my dream job is smattering into pieces right before my eyes.
like...dreams vanishing with a snap of my fingers.





maybe it's in my nature, to want the best of everything. to be so competitive; i actually kill myself before others touch me.


does it even make sense?



sorry fatbear...i am prolly the worst gf ever.
sometimes i feel so demanding and so unreasonable.
wanting and wanting and wanting.
and you're like...everything i can ever wish for.
your understanding, your kindness, your protectiveness, your embrace, your warmth, your generosity;

i feel as though i'm occupying so much of your time.





HAN is quitting VE. along with jas. and some other girl. i have to work more days in the coming month. as though monday, fri and sat isn't enough. and i'm not even taking my tuition into account.

i've never been more exhausted.

except perhaps measurable to hockey trainings in the past.
mental and physical torture.


many have been telling me to take it easy. why fight so hard? why work so hard?
for what? they question-

for my dreams to come true some way or another.
for paving my way to my dreams.
money may not give me happiness, but it helps solve some problems.
even Pboss thinks im crazy for working so much.
and she knows i have school to juggle too.


and they tell me, sooner or later, if i continue at this rate, i'll crash and burn.
my body will protest and i will die one day.
HA HA.



i appreciate the dark humor.
i feel dead inside already.
how do you die again. tell me. how.




i need a drink.
or maybe i don't. i need proper sleep.
away from nightmares.
from bugging deadlines.



i need to start studying for exams AGAIN.
but so many project deadlines looming.
i really.....am dying.



rest in peace, jielin.

i count everyday.

tired to the max.
recently been suffering from headaches. SIGH.
too stressed/tired/confused. zzz.


today stayed back in school for COM443 meeting from after the talk to around 9pm. wtf. died.


i swear at the end of it, most of us were so zonked we were delirious.



and i had to practice anger management today so as not to flare up.
i think i'm so zai.

COM441 class was boring as usual.
talked/gossiped quite a bit at the back row with yan, nehneh, ah bui, johan.
funny shits.


COM443 was this talk by leonard tan and delphinia tam.
both highly successful people in the advertising industry.
was about LIFE AFTER UB.
sheesh.
but i found the talk highly informative.
at least now i know roughly what to do, what not to do.
i hope i remember those important stuff!


in a few hours..i've got to be at bukit gombak for COM443 meeting and doing up of the ads for group assignment #4. damn stressed. MUST OWN IT.

have to reach by 8:30am. dots. i set the time myself. i hope i won't be late.
VE after projecting. at around 5plus 6pm.
i don't think i will be able to see fatbear these few days.
sad.
really sad. HAIZ.



but today fatbear popped by school after work to study in library and waited for me for the group meeting to end.
so patient.
so sweet!
(((:
dinner-ed. raining/pouring. went to ntuc to buy an umbrella wtf. HAHAHAH.
aye.
i miss spending quality time with fatbear. not just studying/doing our own work and feeling stressed and tired most of the time.

nevermind. xian ku hou tian. right?



i hope the project meeting goes smoothly later.
i'm so worried the plans won't work out well.
or the execution is poor.
or if i suck at XXXXXXX.
shits. so scared.
i don't wanna disappoint. HAI. scared shitless.
nevermind, must be positive.


WE CAN DO IT.
WE CAN OWN IT! WHEEEE!!!!


ok i'm so tired. think i'll retire early tonight. good night darlings.
no time for pictures. will post the random LEGO stuff we built soon.
love ya all! ((((:

finding direction in life.

as i'm typing this, some unit in my condo is having renovation. the construction is annoying, noisy and headache inducing. but it gets so droning, somehow, some way, it becomes blocked out mentally over time.

but the vibrations are making my chair+butt vibrate HAHAHAH.

okkaaay.

18th OCTOBER 2008, SATURDAY:

this butterfly has been loitering outside my house for a few days. i almost stepped on it when i left the house. luckily i didn't =.=

if sis sees this, she'll probably scream so loud the entire condo will think there is some fire in our unit wtf. i don't see what's so scary about them.

on the other hand, she probably will never understand why i dislike and is (slightly) afriad of ants too.

after tuition and got home to change into my just-dried VE polo for work. zzz. consecutive days shift are such a shit because i only have one polo and it cnanot possibly dry over night when i get home from work at 11plus at night only.

in any sense, i whined/complained a little and Phoss/Hboss got me my M size polo FINALLY!!!

i don't have to suck in my stomach in the stupid XS polo anymore during work!!! HAHAHHAHAHA.

and i became smarter, choosing to wear a longer tank inside my polo so i wouldn't zao geng everytime i have to bend down to take files at the bottom of the shelf. zzz.

19th OCTOBER 2008, SUNDAY:

sunday morning wanted to take 189 then change to 184 to go fatbear's place. but i got too lazy and the sun was too hot and the weather was too humid so i decidedly took a cab from clementi (after popping by the top up my ezlink).

the cab driver was extremely friendly and nice and we talked quite abit about life today and what is happening around the world. he gave me some advices and encouragement and it was indeed a good start to a sunday morning.

the purpose of these pictures is to show how messy my bag is. zzz. i hardly ever empty the rubbish inside. it's like this trash bag already. gets heavier and heavier each day. BUT WORRY NO MORE! i emptied and sorted out the stuff yesterday! yayyy. it's way neater and cleaner now! (:

daily basic necessities. jacket (for later at night). personal notebook for jotting down notes and tuition dates. water bottle.

erm, sweets and mints to keep myself awake and alive during lectures. my pig. the com's wire plugs. the ralph makeup bag. my piggy pencil case.

and darling fatbear was making breakfast for me. because i randomly requested and him being the ever nice, understanding, lovely fatbear, complied. =D

ahhhh. the awesome house-hubby HAHAHA. he cooked everything himself! -claps- i had requested for english breakfast...

camwhoring in his room while he cooks and gets the food ready.

TADAAAA!!!!!~ doesn't it look awesome?? i'm a sucker for english breakfasts and all these ingredients are my favouritest ever. i mean..minus the absence of wonderful waffles =(

thank you fatbear! you're the greatest!!!
(((: i can feellll the love! heheh.



more camwhoring. zzz. i am hopeless. changed out of my clothes because i didn't want to stink up over the day. we were supposed to meet monz and ed at night for singing too. fatbear's tee!!! WHEEE.





the lighting rocks lah. HAHAH. and i realized my hair is like perpetually "just woke up"/"out of bed" look wtf. messy until cmi.



talked to abs on msn. hilarious conversation after such a long time. aye. as you can see, was editing COM441 report too.



fatbear ka-jiaoing. zzz. left hand.

then right hand pose. HAHA wtf. aye bored people.

really really blue.





evening time. left the house to meet monz and ed. picked them up at lot1, then drove to chinatown for tendollarclubktv HAHAH.

love birds and going strong after 2 years! (:

they gave us this "VIP" room right IN the kitchen. yes, you saw it right. it's located INSIDE the bloody kitchen. everytime you want to go toilet, you have to walk THROUGH the kitchen.

like wth??? HAHAHA we can see the food preparation. near enough to kop extra food. can see steam from the cookers and stuff. seriously. if explode we first to die also lor.

their "couple-ish jackets LOL.



i was very tired by then so my eyes were like half closed. zzz. and fatbear finally has a different facial expression.but unfortunately looks very very retarded. zzz HAHAHA.

20th OCTOBER 2008, MONDAY:

as mentioned in earlier entry, pizza hut with nehneh and chaigaoyuan.



the all new tomyum flavored thin crust pizza. i don't understand how people use fork and knife to eat pizzas!! it totally takes away the essence of pizza eating!!!! RIGHT???

but look at both of them! zzzz. no fun lor. HAI. only me use my fingers. ya lah. me no culture one.

anyway, monday was seriously bad. because i was sooooo late.

people who know me would have probably heard me ranting non-stop about the lousy 189s which are NEVER punctual.
the thing is..on monday..apart from the 189 being LATE 30mins as usual, clementi interchange was so fucked up clogged that i couldn't board about 10 buses which came and left. =.=

it was that bad!!! and i can bet 3/4 are ngee ann kids!!! zomg!!! -stab stabs- HATES.

i wanted to take a cab instead but because everyone was running late, the entire world was taking cabs too. and the chance of flagging a cab in that horrendous traffic was almost ZERO. zzz. in the end, SINCE I WAS ALREADY SO LATE AND CANNOT SIGN STUPID ATTENDANCE PLUS NO ONE COULD SIGN FOR ME, i decided to just slowly take a stupid bus much later and slowly strolled to class.

irritating shits. I HATE YOU PUBLIC TRANSPORT.

YOU MAKE US PAY SO MUCH!!! MORE AND MORE AND INCREASE FEE HIKE TMDKNNCCB CAN YOU AT LEAST COME ON TIME, PUNCTUALLY, INCREASE FREQUENCY IN PEAK HOURS SO EVERYONE CAN FREAKING BOARD THE BUS AND WON'T BE LATE???!

aye dulan ma, really. you all won't understand my pain.

today, WEDNESDAY, i coincidentally met pear's mum at the bus stop at 8:15am. we chatted and waited all the way till 8:40am when ck came down and saw us at the bus stop and it still wasn't here!!! zzz. SERIOUSLY. FUCKED UP 189s.

the moment we boarded the first 189 that came rumbling along, ck and i saw 2 more 189s go past us. WTF??!?!?!?!?!?! -bombs 189 buses-

okkkkk. back to monday. the dragon that is everywhere. HAHA.

temptation to shop online. whilst chatting with fatbear in class for a bit. ok seriously, i hate this picture he used as his dp. it makes me look super retarded, bai chi and xiao nu ren, wtf. HATES.

21st OCTOBER 2008, TUESDAY:

ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF FATBEAR AND JELLY PRINCESS <3

met fatbear after his work. i was still rushing my reflection #4 before the meet up. and he lied to me ok! he told me wanted to go botak jones to eat and i actually wanted to wear my old tees and fbts to meet him one! i believed him!!! =X

LUCKILY I DIDN'T because i wanted to wear something NICER. i ended up in that blue tribal-ish/resort-ish ZARA dress i got about 1 year ago wtf. super long never wear lah grow spiderwebs. zzz.

in the end he said go vivocity. zzz. YOU SEE I'M SO SMART! HAHAHA.

it was drizzling by then. =S coldddd. and FATBEAR NEVER GIVE ME ANY PRESENTS HAHAHA. =D

but i guess it's alright since i didn't prepare anything too..zzz..i think i am probably the most unthoughtful gf ever. =(
nevermind lah. fatbear you are the best gift offered to me already. (((:

<3

<3

<3

(apart from that t&c diamond ring huhhh HAHAHAHHAHA i still want that in two years!)

dined at white dog cafe because everywhere else was bursting at the seams. no jap food! but quality western will make do. not orgasmic, but not bad too.

omg i look so thin from this angle!!! HAHAHAH.



seriously. my nose looks so pudgy here. =.= and yes, i noticed that i had the same pose in 3 pictures. ayeee. cos' fatbear was trying to take a decent picture what. so have to hold the pose.



so dark!

.....and so white. zzz. i look ghostly.



ordered bailey's frappe but the waitress got the orders mixed up and i ended up with oreo chocolate instead. zzz. i consumed about 1 week's worth of calories. great. i think this is why i never slim down ok. wtf.

EHHH NICE HOR THIS PIC. my alien coming down from "space" HAHAHA. diu diu diuuuuu. i'm so good. =p



my hair.is.messy.







all taken by fatbear.

the uncle and his beer. ARGHS. ihatebeer.

white dog platter. wedges. salad. some rolls. spicy drumsticks. prawns. nice.


baby chicken. nice too.


damn bloody full. cmi. cannot eat like this anymore. zzzz.

walked around vivo to digest all that food. fatbear accidentally stepped on my foot when we were fooling around on the deck. i think my foot break already. wtf. zzz.

never wrestle with fatbear. his strength is...dots. really bear-ish. but i know his weak spots. HEHEHEHE.

in any sense, i hope i didn't leave out anything. don't feel like typing much. hah.

more work and work and work.

i have more confidence this time round. can make it. (:
got back my reflection papaaer #3 from COM443 though. didn't make the usual mark. boo. =(
tomorrow is class as usual then a talk after class till about 1pm. then projecting.

the great big P is finally here. phew.
but argh too.
more pain coming this week. physically and mentally.
god bless me.

imma go bathe and maybe nap a little.


if what they say is true-
then what is left of me is going to be ashes, dots, fragments and nothing you.
if what they say is true-
then all faith goes out of the window.
and i'll probably never believe again.