ok lah.

i'm really sorry for the lack of updates. not that i know who to say sorry to. cos' people who read do not tag and i cannot possibly keep track of who reads and not.


many things have happened in the last 10 days. =) things that i'm happy it happened. i know i sound slightly abstract and perhaps confusing. but that's the way i am. either i am simple, or i am complicated.

life's like that too anyway.



but many thanks to the people who have been very supportive and advised me on many matters. =) you guys should know who you are.



i cannot say that the path ahead will be smooth and happy and happily ever after, but at least i will try my best.

it's...unexpected. but it's sweet.


it's bitter too. it's bittersweet.

it's like mocha frappuncino.

it's like us. =D





hehs. this is so full of uncertainty. so full of complications. so...wierd.

but yet it feels good.



i really don't know.

i'll just take things one step in a time.



damn i feel pms lah. i hate pms.




i feel like a pms-ing potato.




is this going to work out? i don't like thinking so much lor.

i miss my friends. really alot.

confusion.

then again, maybe not.

corn and potato.

i'm just happy the way it is now.

i think.

just treasure the moment yea? =)








ps: i need a new webcam. sigh. this one cannot see my face at all. WHY??? i so ugly meh!

nonsensical.

one part of me is contented, another part is lost, another part is happy, another part is full of anticipation, another part is holding back, another back...is just simply full of doubt.

but you fill me.

it's been long.

it's been long since i'm laughing and smiling everyday. even on the inside.


7 days. already. but i think it's all to sudden and filled. overdose of happiness, laughter and smiles.


it's been so long since i can fall asleep. feeling happy.







i've been filled. but i've also been emptied.

i'm not sure how to handle this exactly.

both of us are drifters. both of us are neither here nor there. both of us are...friends.


perhaps i should not think so much. but it's you, who've made me from this independent person, to become more relient and...in need of your presence for happiness.


i'm warm. but i'm cold.



i still need my other friends of course. which is why i plan to fill my days with appointments of people i care about.




it's been a long day. many more long days to go.

tml i'm meeting ocip for lunch and movie. excited. =)





perhaps all i should do is stop thinking. perhaps i should not have thought so much. it's nothing. really.



what is going to happen?

friday nightsters.

TODAY WAS AWESOME! (familiar from turks's blog? =D)

but it was seriously aweeeeesome!



i never laughed so much EVER. i almost forgot to breathe. hahahah!! =)



sigh. sigh of contentment.




i love them all. i really do. fridays are really the enjoyment of my week. =)


enough said. but i just wanna say one last time. ONE LAST TIME. i freaking enjoyed myself! =)

damn it.

i have a fucking backache on my lower back.

it hurts to move.
it hurts to sit.
it hurts to stand.
it hurts to bend.



it fucking hurts even if i don't move.



i wanna die.
i'm living on painkillers. and that is not going to last me long.

fuck bad posture. i don't believe bad posture can cause such sudden and extreme pain.

it hurts so much walking hurts. i hate complaining and whining.

sneezing hurts like worse than hell. every sneeze sends me into near paralysis.

i almost cried from the pain after every sneeze. it fucking hurts. i don't ever want to sneeze. i cannot even move after i sneeze. every movement sends me into aches and tears.

i'm no weakling.

yet i'm crying from this fucking pain.

how long more? how long more do i have to endure this?



i've applied for all 3 local unis.

well.

oh well. i'm not sure what to say exactly. i had a good time in tuition today...

the kids were nice. fun. i realised that the only way i can enjoy myself, is be part of them.

time somehow flew faster when i enjoy myself. and when they enjoy themselves too.


enjoying, and yet still getting work done. that's fabulous for me. =)


i'm back to loving them. hahaha. and i was almost late today. ALMOST. but it's good to arrive on time with them all in class already. and the first reaction i got from them was a laugh and a grin. makes my day already.



everytime i go tuition, they give me all sorts of entertaining conversations. tsk.



"teacher! we think you look like geraldine!"

(at this point i was thinking who the hell is geraldine. then it dawned on me it may be the campus superstar girl)

"orh! is it that campus superstar girl?"

"yar!! you look alot like her."

"har?? why?"

"cos' you very tomboy like that!"


-_-'''


thanks lor. no one ever called me tomboy since i was in primary school. sobs. =P



din help that i was wearing a freaking short skirt. HELLO!!! tomboy don't wear skirt one lor! hmmpfff. i very demure liao ok!


hmmmm.


primary 5 kids really made my day too. they were as usual...very biological and amusing. talked about ALOT of erm..bodily stuff in their primary 5 ways. hahaha.



and we had equally amusing conversations.


"teacher! how old are you??"

"eh..you guess lor"

"11!"

"har!! i look so young meh?? you all 11 years old leh!"

"wait wait! go out to the board to check her age!"

(so they go out to find out which level of education i've attained. and they start calculating outloud in front of me.)

"i know i know! you are 18 years old!"

"ehh ya. birthday then i am 19 already."

"hahahah! see i so clever!"

-_-'''


oh wells. at least i look young right. and tomboy. =(



i had a terrible backache. feel like old woman. sian.


is it possible to detest a good friend so much one moment, then love her another moment?





is it possible to be such a terrible procrastinator on the outside, but a binge thinker on the inside?


i'm feeling terribly vulnerable.

hmmm.

the taxi i took has a very good taxi driver driving it. very nice. like a gentle old uncle. hahah. so i told him to be careful on the roads after i got off. =)

lawrence was kind enough to walk with me all the way to yuan shen's house. and he made a very good talking companion. really nice. his talk made me think about many things. cannot believe such a short walk and talk had such a huge impact on me. oh wells. it's good to reflect once in a while.


i got my phone fixed just now. the camera went bonkers. turned out that my memory card was corrupted. WTF. i hate blue toothing now. arghhhhs.


but the guy at the counter was super efficient at repairing my phone(and many others) that i really really was literally gaping at him. very unglam i know. don't care lah. but well, the diamond earring on his left earlobe kinda distracted me as he talked. very very shiny. nearly blinded me each time he turned. lol. ok lah. i just have something for guys with diamond studs on one of their earlobes.


then after i left the nokia care centre, and walked around wheelock place. I SAW KRYSTLE THE AUNTIE. tsktsk. she was working in apple centre lah. wasn't expecting to see her. was looking at the ipod nano when she suddenly BOO me. wth. hahahah. but i had a nice chat with her. irritating one another as usual. =D



peach girls got me fired up again. stupid show i know most would say. but i really think it's super addictive to me. hahaha. *shrugs* i will NOT miss any episodes at all. AT ALL!!!!

hahaha.

my sis went for disney on ice. =( so good hor.





hmmmm. i not sure what to say. i realised that whoever is nice to me, just a teeny weeny bit nice, i will be thrown into alot of turmoil. hahaha. i just not used to ppl being so nice.


especially guys who are nice. happens that i have more friends who like suan-ing me. hahah. but well, i think it's in the nature of these guys to be nice lah. =) cannot think too much hor.



sometimes even when you don't like someone, you have to act like you do, because it's just not nice.

=)

best saturday in a long time.
relaxing. fun. enjoyable. good company. good food.


=) thanks to all present. monz, turks, paula, weiyan, lawrence, ys, louis, rab, zy. hahaha. had a smashing good time.

steamboating was good. but i got full very fast.

and now i noe how to go ys's house already. so far!! hahaha. but quite easy lah, i think.


uni application still sucks. gotta get down to it soon.




had some _______ today.
it's been so long.
the taste still lingers.




such a good taste.

=)

feels damn good.

pics.

been long since i uploaded many pics.


look! these are my new speakers! damn nice right! (only can say yes)






outing with bishi and zh. bishi's treat with her pay! thanks alot! hahaha! i enjoyed myself. really had fun. very long never go out with them already. feels like old times. =) 5 years swept pass us. scary. but i hope more years are to come! hehe.




from top left:
corny zh;
the dog behind him is cuter right;
our food;
zh showing me his pictures.





from top left:
the pig aka dustbin aka zh;
bs with mouth full;
empty plates!;
bs not happy i take her picture.




from top left:
three of us;
repeat picture;
zh and bs;
three of us again.





from top left:
zh and no bones;
bloated stomachs;
bs;
and a very narcisstic me.








ahhh. my sister. we are the chilli copers!!! lalalaaaa.



damn my eyebrows.



i don't bear grudges.

yawn.

i slept so badly and so late last night that i cannot see through my squinty and tired eyes for the freaking entire day. i wanna die liao.

after i drank the heavenly mocha rock road from pacific coffee, i felt more awake.

after dancing to the beat of the music from my darling speakers, i felt better.





then the caffine wore off, and i felt damn tired again.

so here i am tired like shit.

but cannot sleep.



stupid lah. i hate my eyes looking like shit for the entire day. eyes so small liao, still like that. rahhhhh!!!



shopping day tomorrow! then dinner with bishi and zh! hahaha. exciting. more lies ahead!



and i still feel fucked up about application into uni.


but i feel better. slightly. cos' i received ms tan's sms. and it was kinda heart-warming. i'm glad to have at least a teacher that's nice. =)


/edit/


i dunno what to say suddenly.

people u call friends. say such things to you. no matter they did it on purpose or not, it still hurts.

it fucking hurts.

you are NOT in my shoes, but TRY thinking in my shoes.

you wouldn't like it if i did it to you too.

so insensitive. so..hurtful.

i'm just upset ok. how many people can truly understand how this shit feels? there are a few. and i feel ok to confide in them. because perhaps these are people who are truly my friends. people who do not discriminate me. people who...THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK.


i may seem like i do not care. like pride does no matter to me. like i can take any joke with a laugh and shrug.

but this is NOT a joke ok. it fucking is not.



so, unless you think before you speak, unless you let your words run through your pig head, DO NOT TALK TO ME.

just shut up. shut up.

i do not want to talk to you. period.

no inspiration.

recently, i've been facing ups and downs in emotions.
can be very crazy one minute with my sister, then all emo the next morning or night.

i love nights for their serenity and calm. for me to be able to think more clearly and better. i like the solitude. a vast contrast from the daytime life we all lead. mundane as it may be, it is intruded by much undesired and unwanted events or people. so, to me, the nights are exclusively private time for myself. my own personal space. invaded by only music i love, blinkings of msn windows at the bottom of my lappy screen, lying around doing nothing but stare into space.



i got new portable speakers. damn cool. damn nice. i'm in love with in. and i hope it doesnt spoil on me. =( i no money le. hahaha.

now, all i need is updated music lists. i am SOOOO sua ku now. damn.


and well, an update in my wardrope. =( hahaha. 7 days in one week, everyday wear different things, very tiring lor. especially when i choose not to iron my clothes. blahhhhh. so sian. more clothes. more clothes. more more more!



sometimes, i really think i'm the most selfish ass on earth.


i've not given as much as i've taken.



i should have.

perhaps i must start. dig through things i've not worn and give them to the salvation army. hmmmmm.



i've not yet applied. not sure what paths are available for me yet. sigh. it seems like everywhere i go, i can only hope for one faculty. dreams have crashed since i got that piece of paper. tsk. one flimsy, seemingly harmless paper can do so much to one.


i need a haircut. like SOON. damn wierd ok, my fringe NEVER GREW, but the rest of my hair grow like lightning. arghhhhh. i very sad. hair very important to me ok. hahaha.




this week is going to be packed! so many outings and meetings with friends!! i'm SUPER excited. finally, i have a life going on besides tutoring kids and becoming madder by the day, or being a lousy salesgirl. hahaha.

and i heard from parents that we are going overseas soon!! WOOO!!! damn cool ok. shopping trip. lalalala.


probably going thailand again. for like maybe the 4th time i think. forgot liao. hahaha. but i like the country and the people. STILL, it doesnt seem very safe of late. shall see how ba. =)



i have a serious case of insomia.



one question: DO I LOOK OLD???

(politically correct answer is NO, but if you think otherwise, i appreciate the honesty. =D)



you know how appearances are deceiving? cocky on the outside, but self-conscious on the inside. cheery on the outside, but sullen inside. helpful on the outside, but scheming on the inside. the list will go on and on.


i always believe in looking at the better side of things, and of people. which is why i often get tricked and betrayed. i've tried shifting away this easy trust. like yh once told me, never trust anyone else, but yourself. it's not easy.

i can get hurt again and again. and then, eventually, this hurt eats me up. devours me slowly. even without me knowing. sooner or later, i may realise that there is nothing left in me. and i'm not sure whether i can get hurt again, whether i can tolerate another of these bullshit. so i deny myself everything. i deny that i am weak. i deny that i can love. and i deny that i will crumple. but everything happens.







if they say a picture can paint a thousand words, then why can't i paint a picture of you at all?




just..please, just let everything go well. i'm trying so hard.

nus?

went to the nus open house. i felt the way i felt when i went to sajc open house after my sec 4 days.

like a dream i cannot wait to come true.


i looked at the seniors, with awe and such eagerness to be one of them. to start my university life. a new life. strange and scary, but yet exciting and full of mystery.


i'm attracted.



the talks bored me, i admit.

but walking around the halls promoting hostels and camps and ccas, i cannot help feeling that rush of adrenalin. hopes of me being amongst one of them in the coming times ahead. the sports, the new friends, the new classes, the new teachers, the new environment, the new EVERYTHING!


the seniors were very friendly and smiley. hahaha. all sorts of people from all sorts of places approached me. luckily, today the turnout in nus was minimal, which made looking at their handmade signs easier. quite interesting though. i'm attracted by a particular hall. and i'm attracted by many ccas and faculties, mostly in FASS though.

but overall, the funniest was that some guy from a rock band recruiting station thought i was from a rock band(presumbly abbas's). LOL. i was rather horrified when he asked me to join them, but i assured him that i'll be of no use to him because of my lack of musical talents. hahaha. turns out that he was a sajc senior. he even took out his ezlink card to show me his picture, bearing the photo of him in the uniform and tie. erm. yea. kinda wierd but funny. he was very very very friendly. perhaps overly. but maybe he was trying to make conversation because i was waiting for abbas to finish talking to the other band guy lah.

still, it was interesting. basic politeness is good. =)

then this faculty of science guy asked me to join them. like HUH?!?!?! no way man!!!! rahhhhh. no more sciences!!! i kept insisting i cannot do science anymore because i didn't like the subject and i was heading for FASS. sigh. persistent guy. but he seems very shy. very geeky kinda cute. lol.



sigh. many more strange encounters. oh, saw white ass and winnie too! hahaha.

confirmed much of my fears through talking with several people there.
i really really wish to enter nus FASS. it's really a hope, and a dream. psychology, sociology, geography, economics?

perhaps a minor in the future. business marketing and HR? PR? or should i do well enough to do a double degree. double major? all too early to think.

now. think for the application. and the results of it. =(



too late for regrets.






i absolutely hate blushing. my face heats up and burns like hell. and i thought i'm not one to blush. but again, i'm proven wrong.

so much to say, but just not here. not where everyone reads and sees through my masks.




tomorrow begins another terrible week. with salvation on monday nights for grey's anatomy, tuesday for C.S.I, wednesdays for ANTM, and well..saturday nights for peach girls(utterly lame and retarded, but i'm besotted by the storyline).

hahaha. so off i go. with good news that my tuition pay will be raised for p6 english from april to $13 per hour! YAY!!! hopefully other lessons also increase. =)



my weeds are overgrown again.

dilemma.

i hate problems.
they say you fight and solve problems, then in the process you grow up and mature and learn how to handle different situations better.

it's kinda bullshit.

i feel torn now.

somehow, my fate seems to lie nowhere.



i'd like to think that i have a path everywhere, but hey, who am i kidding?
haha. i'm no smart ass. i'm no talented person.
who would want me? i want so many things. i want so many dreams.
am i just cheating myself by believing in myself STILL and still working towards my dreams?
or should i just face reality and choose what would help me in my future years?


i hate the thought that at this point of time, everyone is headed for vastly different routes. i hate the thought that i'll be separated from so many good friends, and with a high chance of being alone in a faculty by myself. to start all over again from square one. i dread the thought. i like changes. but i hate in-familarity.

ironic?


i just hate thinking so much. it's like playing scrabble after a day of shit ass tuitioning and marking papers.

i just hate..being distant from people i love and care about.

but i also hate being not able to follow my dreams.

which path should i take??? god dammit.




i cannot even think straight to piece my thoughts properly.




you know, people have often reprimanded me on my harsh insight of relationships. perhaps it's true. perhaps it's not. i just think i'm one able to function independently without a partner. just yet. sometimes i think differently. i guess i'm similar to many girls. i do waver. i do crumple. maybe i pick myself up faster than others, but i still need support at times. i just strongly believe that, if you were willing to step into a relationship initially, then you should have the courage to entirely remove yourself from it when it ends.

i hate people wallowing in self-pity. and i hate people who cannot pull themselves out of their "endless pit" regardless of the countless advices and encouragements others gave.

i'm sick of being there for people who don't even want to help themselves. i am a patient person. but come on, wake up and open your eyes. only YOU can help YOURSELF.



another thing. i feel that where it concerns feelings, what's to come will come. there's no point denying it when it's so apparent already.

aiya, what the shit i'm rambling about, i don't know. i'm just f***ing tired from all that tuitioning, slavery pay and lack of social life.


i'm just tired of thinking so much. kills brain cells. evaluating and decisions and plans.






this friday night was one of the best i've ever had. :)


but somehow, the moment the fun and happy hours ended, everything came back to plague me.

damn sad.

i've failed as a girl.



i recently used this picture as my handphone wallpaper.






one student from pri 5 english asked me this:

"'cher! why your handphone picture got THREE GUYS one?"

=(


damn sad ok. hahahah. but he went on to say something very funny also.


"teacher, who are these boys? why they look so ah beng one?"


LOL.


"teacher, are these your boyfriends?"
"no lah! got two leh, how can teacher have two boyfriends? these two boys got girlfriends liao lah!"
"har? teacher you got boyfriend not?"
"erm..don't have lah.."
"why don't have?"
"don't know leh."



i get asked this question several times very week. and it's not nice to answer one lor. why do students always wonder about the personal life of their teachers? hahahah.

even my popo asking me when i getting a "ah boy" also. wah lau. she tell me don't worry, cos' i'll find one when i go uni.

and the problem is I NEVER EVEN COMPLAIN THAT I WANT A BOYFRIEND CAN???!

just because my elder sister has one, doesn't mean i also must get one right? they always say the elder must marry first right? hehe.








the students always scare me with a cockroach scare.
they say the classroom we always use has a cockroach, which coincidentally i've never seen before.

everytime i start the lesson, they'll just tell me:

"'CHER! THERE'S A COCKROACH BY YOUR LEG!!!"
"really!!" *looks down at my feet in terror*

-_-'''


don't have lor.


sometimes, you tell yourself to start being cleverer and witter at handling them. but kids just have this way of going around you and outwitting you at times.

tsk.

monday blues.

i thought sunday was bad enough, monday was worse.

tuitioning today was lousy. private tuition pissed me off. i pity the kid, but i really felt so impatient...and i rarely feel impatient..=(

tuition centre really set me on fire. somehow, i got so upset with them i just couldnt be bothered to scold them anymore. at times, i wonder, do they even respect me at all? i hate being all strict and good-two-shoes, but i really cannot stand being all slack too. it seems impossible to be able to balance them together.

and i won't put on a dumb show and tell people i'm the greatest teacher ever, because obviously, i am not. and will never be.

i like teaching kids. i love kids. but long term? no way. i'm dying already.

i look towards the table, and there is a mountain of work for me to mark. turned off. really put off.

i'm tired. it's a fucking lousy monday. i feel damn pms.



and it didn't helped that a student told me that i am fat.

just let me die. give me a damn rest.

give me a god damn rest from all this shit stress. being a teacher is no joke. don't ever underestimate teachers(excluding those who sleep in lessons and teach like they couldn't be bothered with the students.)


i try my best, but who really appreciates?

lame shit.

talking to best friend pjc and telling him not to worry cos' with HIS grades, he sure can go to his course one. then i was telling him because i'll be the foundation then will push his chances up mah..





me: don't worry lah..
me: i'll be your foundation..
jc: whahahaha
jc: what foundation
jc: i'll be your....
jc: mascara
me: ................................
me: WTF

reflections.

it's not the end of the world. and i feel so much better.

worrying kills me. and i should stop doing that cos' i feel so much happier and free now.

it helps not to worry about the results anymore cos' it's more or less there already.

hahaha. oh well, people fall to only become stronger. =) and i feel stronger already.

i will find a way for things to work out for me. and i am strong and independent.

one thing i realised, i'm very good at comforting people, but i suck at consoling myself. heh.

the world will not end because of this. there is so much out there waiting for me. somehow, it jsut doesn't seem so important anymore, all these stuff. sure, it's a clear path to what people deem as "success" in real life, but so what if i take the slower and longer route, BUT still get there in the end?

i've been complacent. and this has taught me to be modest. i've been lazy, and this has taught me the meaning of "you reap what you sow". i've been foolish in the choice of subjects, and this has only taught me to choose what really interests me in the future.




a million little pieces is good. graphic yes. but certainly teaches alot. hahaha.

oh wells. for now, i just hope i'm a good and effective tuition teacher. cos' i cannot afford so many kids failing on me. my classes keep growing and growing and growing. and the pressure gets serious. the parents are really nice and friendly and sincere, that makes me want to help their children more. hahahha. and it helps that they find me "sweet-looking teacher". LOL. but then again, i can be quite fierce and strict on them.

hope they don't hate me lah.



i hate people who don't associate with me suddenly msging me on msn or on the phone. i mean sure, we know each other, but we are not CLOSE CLOSE friends. some people not even my FRIENDS in the first case. and they suddenly come be all friendly towards me. THEN, they ask questions that i really don't want to answer them. really. this has to stop. i hate people like that hypocrites asses.



on a side note, i'm really glad that i have people i call true blue friends, brothers or sisters that really care for me, and i care for. cos' to me, having a million friends mean nothing, if you have not a single close friend you can rely on.

monica, please be strong k? i'll be always here. 80 year old bond liao. =)

screw it all.

somehow, it's really so screwed up i don't know to feel happy or awful.

happy cos' at least i got a complete cert, but awful because it's neither here nor there, which might summarise to the fact that i have no where to go. and no one will accept me.

it's so fucking hard to accept failure.




NO ONE EVER GETS USED TO FAILING.

and those who never failed before will never understand the feeling of failure. so DON'T EVER SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OK.


fuck it.


ok lah. i better stop cursing. and start thanking the people that really helped me stop my flood gates.


marshy, u really have to be the first person i want to thank. really grateful that i have someone like you around to rely on. although i may not be a very good friend to reprocicate, but i'm trying my best. thanks alot for the hug that really calmed me down from my stupid tears. marshy will be here for you, just one call, and i'm available ok. we must be strong and brave thru this shit. :) we can do it. we really can.

eugene, thanks alot for your comforts also.
thanks to jee cheng, yun ma, zw, syaffy, monz, hf, miss tan and miss fz. plus alot other people.

sigh.

i'm sick of all this shit already. sometimes i tell myself i'll be strong and brave. but sometimes it's not so easy. but i'll try my best.