you never fail to make those crystals fall.

and i wonder why the fuck do i still hold on.

i need answers to all my questions..not just "see how things go lor.."

it doesnt work this way anymore.
so fucking tired of arguing with you, and you.
because it leads no where, if no one gives way.

you just make me feel more and more pissed with every word you say.

if you miss me then fucking say you miss me.

why even say "but i just won't admit that i miss you." and make me feel like a fool who ALWAYS falls into one-sided relationships.

you said you'll treat me better. you said you'll make me happy.
so i waited. waited to see what you'll do.
you did nothing.
but i still wait, and hope.

i keep hoping things will turn out the way i wish them to.
but they just never.

BUT i still wait and hope.
tell me, why the fuck do i still hold on?





you make me feel pain, thsi sharp momentary thing. this emotion that makes hatred arise within me. everytime you make those crystals fall, you make me hate myself even more.
because i start to question, why must i always end up feeling like this? why am i so stupid?
why do i allow myself to be manipulated? or lied to?
why the fuck am i so guillible?
to believe every word you say when you tell lies to me.

why the fuck do i still let you make me cry, even though i tried telling myself countless times you will not make me cry anymore.
it just doesn't work.
hoping and waiting doesn't work anymore..
so what will?


imagine the hurt i feel when i realised everything you told me that day was a lie. how fucked up i felt.
so is this how you work things out?




i'm so tired.
and then you come bomb me.
you, with all your issues about colour, and slammed me down again and again.
what the fuck is your problem?

at least it is resolved now. at least i made you understand.
but those words you said, those accusations you made,
can they really be forgotten just like that?

how you called me a bitch. a friend calling me a bitch to hurt me.
how you said my chinese roots were "bloody".
how you assumed i was like any other minority chinese who thinks we are superior over other races.
how you said i was sucking up to him.
how you said i was insensitive.

fuck you. you bring me down. you slam me with hurtful words.
and i actually fucking took it all in.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i fucking accepted you, forgiven you, and actually agreed to still be friends with you. after all that hurt u inflicted on me.
what the hell is wrong with my brain.



sometimes, being passive really sucks.
i'm so tired..because i never try to please everyone in the world. all i do, is to try make my friends smile and laugh when they see me. to enjoy my company. to want to have my company. because all i want is to be your friend.

maybe i'm here to take all the shit people push to me.
maybe because of my personality i just take in the shit willingly.


i'm realy tired.
like alex said last night..

"you are like a rubber band. everyone is like a rubber band. but yours..is close to snapping already.."

i don't know why i'll feel this way...
when i know i DO have friends who care for me..
thanks prawn, you really made me feel much better..i appreciate it loads..
thanks to ghost, alex, sam, god.
thanks to those who were concerned about me, and actually tried to make me feel better.
no thanks to those who just keep trying to put me down, and make me hate myself.


i should know better.
yet, perhaps i just wish to be blinded.
sometimes, as they all say, ignorance is bliss.





-snap-


and the effects are starting to roll out..