have i been nothing but a pawn to you?

see the bigger picture, you tell me.
how am i supposed to?
are you sure i'm just staying because it's my comfort zone?
or maybe it's because i'm just not sure about anything i do now.
therefore, rather than make a wrong move and lose everything, why not just stay stagnent and try not to think?
it's so easy not to hink. it's so difficult when you have to think, and come to a decision.
don't ask me to do that, cos' i'll ending up wanting none.


who am i to you, really?
physical comfort?
companionship?
nothing?


what are my plans for the future?
do i even have a future?
with you?


i'm so tired of speculations and temptations.
it's so easy to just skip everything and fast forward, so easy to skip the difficult times and take all the comforts that are offered to me.
who wouldn't want a life whereby you are taken care of like a princess, nothing to worry about, only about having too much?

it's tempting. but against my morals.
yet, is it an echoing thought from you? i don't know what do you think or feel. i don't know how genuine are you. i'm gullible? i'm naive? i've been tricked, been cheated. i'll never learn, though i always thought i had. would you leave me one day too? would you leave me all alone?

till then, it'll be too late.
all the good things i've missed.
the good people i've skipped.


i cannot regret. i never will. dignity and pride stays. i'll never admit the loss. you all will never know. but inside i'll suffer in silence. tell myself: i don't deserve the best, never will, and i brought it upon myself.

skip.
i've done so many times. it's a vicious cycle.
skip.
then i'll jump back to square one.


i need confirmation, truth, honesty, release.

i need to know all these, because i want to move on in life. stagnant i remain, imagining the non-existent.

don't brainwash me. cos' i'm suffering from fatigue. i'm struggling to retain my patience and tolerance.
don't make me lose it don't make me a bitch.

things happen for a reason, right?


maybe it's just easier to tell myself you are the best i deserve, and ignore all that comes along.

or maybe i can just fuck it, and pick the best among the lot, like picking the shiniest, reddest apple amongst a basket of harvest.

just like other girls do.



just fuck it. so easy.

but somehow, my heart tells me otherwise. all i need, is confirmation from you, and i'll stay by your side.
if not, just release me.
i'm not to be controlled, though i am.
checkmate.