waves of pain and backwashes.

as your song play in the speakers, i start to rethink my actions.
many may call me cruel, heartless, insensitive, selfish even.
there are reasons behind my actions, as bitchy as they seem.
maybe i've learnt long ago being too nice has no advantages, because people just seem to enjoy the pursuit of exploit.
so yea, nice people do in a way finish last.

when it comes to matters of the heart, relationships and interpersonal relationships, i find myself thrown into a pool of turmoil. it never seems worth it to ponder over these small glitches in relationships. the pain and confusion i feel is often one-sided.

in a way, maybe i've picked up the habit of ignoring things around me. taking most things with a pinch of salt, shrugging them off as if i don't give a damn. it's difficult to make me pissed off, and harder to make me hate you.

nonchalance--i call that.

as i walked in the rain today after school. the raindrops were small, but as they hit down on my head, my back, my arms, my shoes, the impact seems maginified. i walked slowly, ironic of course, considering it was pouring madly. people ran to shelters beside me.


ever heard how people always say?
standing in the rain, no one can see the tears you shed.

how apt. inside, i was bleeding. the pain was like waves and waves of seawater. it was...momentary.
the hate i felt for myself resurfaced.
it was gone so long.
then it came back.


these emo portions of life, i wished i could skip, but yet i knew they were valuable learning lessons. but then on closer inspection, what have i learnt? to hate myself? to draw clear boundaries? to make me seem like an asshole because of my own beliefs and perceptions to a matter?

i don't avoid. i think it's hurtful that you do that.
i guess you have your reasons, so what can i do? continue being the same lor.

the double-click theory no longer works.
so be it.


i'm tired. of acting like i am not affected even when the skies seem to be filled with thunderstorm clouds. of pushing things that DO matter to me to one corner of my heart, making it seem almost habitual to not bother so much. but i have to continue.

those walls around me are only present when around people whom i've not yet learnt to trust completely.
it's not that i do not wish to, but just that i'm not one who initiates it sometimes. often, i feel judged and exposed around (insert appropriate names). but i've learnt to shrug it off. like i don't care, when i do, do, do.

i CAN see the bigger picture. but i simply refuse to do so.
what's the whole point?
if i am stupid, then let me remain stupid.
the person i end up hurting most anyway, is gonna be me.
you're going to forget me and move on.
i'm going to be your past.
and people seldom like their past.
nice "past-s" are called memories.


maybe i should take all these and treat it like any other thing. shelve it, ignore it, forget it. seems easier. yet...

my actions, either way will cause pain. i'm the sinner. so just let me feel the pain myself, and maybe i might feel better. maybe i might hate myself less.

i didn't ask for these. i really didn't. somehow, it was like a vicious cycle. one after another. again and again. and i really didn't know how to handle it right. i'm mean, i'm awful, i'm an asshole.

all i asked for all along was to be accepted.

"sometimes i end up hating myself.."
"for what? for being too nice??"
"yea. it makes people misunderstand. i end up leading people on without knowing. and i end up hurting them. like the sinner."
"but it's not your fault what. you are nice, and you cannot stop being nice just because a few screwed up people mis-read your actions or words.."
"maybe..it just sucks being too nice lah.."

i cannot be smiling always. the sky is dark, the rain is still pouring, and grounds are wet. everything seems bleak, like my mood. lost and irrational.

and when hunger takes over, irritation and annoyance sets in.

must slim down. must save money. must.
but oh, the discomfort and the frequent pain i face.
is it worth it? is it necessary.

i crave cream puffs and eye tarts.
i crave for a hot steaming bowl of tomyum soup.
just like i crave hiding under my blanket.
crying myself to sleep.

"the night allows us to emerge as our true selves. the day just seems to expose us too much, and we often hide behind guards and protections. no one is genuine in the day. the night..makes us show our hidden, maybe evil self."
"i've always liked the nights."
"yea, me too."
----

the night was young, adrenalin was pumping in my blood, and i loved the thrill factor of my actions.

"why do you trust me so much?"
"er..why? am i not supposed to?"

you must understand. it's not as if i'm in love with him. it's not as if i'm serious about him. he's just the perfect crush. everyone has one. and i just wanna be friends with him.

it's just weird. when you thought you've bonded, but yet have not.

all that laughter, stories shared, secrets exchanged..were it nothing?

please do not misunderstand all my gushing for head-over-heels-cannot-make-it-liao-liking for him. there is a huge difference.

like a little girl and her father, you held my hand, led me along gently.
then you released my hand.
and i was all alone, again.
all fucking alone, trying not to cry in the darkness.
you do not see the most vulnerable side of me.
because i hide.
and everyone breaks me apart.