et cetera

i've been wanting to blog for sometime, but never really got down to doing it. being online seems almost a luxury, and even when i am, i'm hardly at the computer, or free enough to blog and crap.

recent events have rendered me speechless and utterly at a loss. i feel like shit, and i don't like to feel like shit. i'm so fucking tired of everything. i need a time out.

LOOK,

did i change? who are you to judge that i've changed? i've stated my stand over and over again that i never did believed in first impressions, and these years in my life has proven me wrong, when it comes to first impressions. impressions do change, and in what right are we, or you, to judge people whom you have no idea about?

i get really pissed thinking about it, because although i'm forcing myself to understand your point of view and trying my best to accomodate your change in moods when you freaking don't wanna tell me anything even when i asked, i cannot understand. simple as that.

i've tried, and im getting more frustrated, if not more jaded about your feelings.

it's not that i don't care anymore, it's just that i CANNOT care if you don't fucking tell me what's going on in your mind.

similarly, i cannot change my perceptions and mindsets when i've gotten to know that bunch of people whom i used to think were hooligans and useless bums. but they are not. they altered my perspective. they altered my first impressions of them. i do not know them VERY well, but i do not see the detrimental effects of their behaviour. at least in my eyes, they don't seem that destructive, or useless.

i am open-minded. and im NOT easily influenced.
sure, i do get cheated time and time again. but at least i TRY my fucking BEST to understand others first before judging them and stereotyping them as "XX type" and persistently refuse to see the bigger picture.

i know i screw up my life pretty much. and it's alot to screw it up more. i can continue create havoc, savaging the pieces i leave behind. i can continue fucking myself, upsetting the entire order it's supposed to be in. it's my choice. and i've not made any, but i'm quite sure i will not fuck it up too badly.



i don't know whether my judgements are right or wrong. i don't know ever whether the friends i make are good ones or bad ones. i am not close to them, so why should you guys be afraid?

you say i'm naive. i have no reply to that.
i'm so tired of all these politics.

just come up to my face and tell me how you feel. i am not going to guess anymore.

i like having fun. so is it a sin to have fun? i can take care of myself. tuesday night was a mistake. just another lesson learnt: don't go drinking if you're fucking tired AND hungry at the same time.


i drink for a reason. i don't drink to get drunk. and it was my first time vomitting anyway. fuck that.

i feel torn in between, and i do not mind that you guys are woried for me. i appreciate the kind intentions and concern. i appreciate, really do. i hope i know what i am doing, for you cannot ask me to not associate with them entirely. it's just not fair.

there has to be a compromise reached. there has to be something we can do.

i feel conflicted.
i am a nice person, but i also want to have fun and wild moments.
it seems like i almost cannot do both at the same time. either way, i'll be torn. either way, someone ends up disliking me.

i hate to make such decisions, because unless you fuck me up real bad, i'm a friend of everyone. i may seem all sacarstic and idiotic making fun of you, but i would never do that to you if i don't feel comfortable with you. the truth is, only my real friends who know me well know that. i like to be friends with everyone; enjoy going around school and being able to smile at people i meet at corridors, or stop to ask them about their day, or ask for updates on their life. because i care. i may look like i don't give a god damn shit about you, but i care. so unless you keep pushing me away, i'll be there. the decision lies in you, to pull me closer or to keep me at a distance.



i'm just feeling so PISSED off. seriously.

whoever who said that fucking "doormat" thing to that certain someone on purpose, that bitch will get it from me. nothing better to do issit? HAR? must come create politics in between people lah! friends leh! tmd.



and look, i'm not fucking doing whatever i am doing to get "popular". screw that. i never believed in such things. i actually ENJOY hanging out with certain people. and i choose my own company right? studying is alright, but i need a break sometimes. just gimme a god damn one ok? i'm not a nerd, never will be, and studying is NEVER my life. i've got more to that.


i am a nice person, so don't make me a bitch.

i find it so hard to believe what you say because you have no evidence.


true, i cannot fucking take care of myself. and i'm sorry i've imposed on you, but there's nothing much i can do about it. you not liking them doesn't mean i have to NOT like them also right? it's going against my own belief system. so what am i supposed to do? i cannot make someone who is so strict to her own beliefs accept someone else who is willing to be friends with her. one party has to give way. this will only spiral out of control.


i'm so tired of decoding what everyone has encoded for me. different perspectives, different opinions.

am i ruining myself? am i? HAVE I REALLY CHANGED? i don't see where i have.
i'm just showing another side of me i don't usually show.
maybe it's against my good nice little girl image, but hey, everyone has their inhibitions.

don't bullshit and say you are entirely nice. even greek gods are not.


see, the point is, i know there are people concerned about me, and i'm hoping i know what i am doing.
maybe just this once, i want to be selfish. perhaps someone someway will end up hating me, but at least i tried. i gave myself a chance to see what i want.

i will not lose out at all. so stop worrying.
all i'll lose at the end of it, might be just another person being ultra nice to me.
that's all i'll miss. beacuse no one ever did what he did for me.
just take things slow and easy.
life's a bitch.


and i've got to come up with more codes. abby, better synchronise ourselves eh? HA.
tinman. red shell? joss sticks?

blah.


lighter note: tml's esl presentation. we bluffed deva and gui that it is a formal ppt, so "forced" them to dress up in shirts and well..jeans lah. fine. lol, both ab and i going to be in office wear too! funny! kinda looking forward to it.

it's friends like these that keep me going.

mid terms gonna suck. results gonna suck. time to buck up and concentrate. i may not be as hardworking as you, but at least i try. balance work, life, friends, love.


timeout.