so i'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen. inside, i'm screaming for help. all the help i can get. i want so desperately to call...too call for people i know can comfort me. but at such an unearthly hour, why rope people into your own suffering?
i don't want to end up treating anyone like a spare tyre.
cos' it's just plain unfair.
yet...the tears. i told myself not to shed them anymore, not for you. not again.
they fall once more.
and i feel life ebb out of me slowly.
feel every ounce of energy and dignity i have left fall from me, as i press "disconnect" on the phone button.
why put on that constant guard and mask, hiding my hurt and anger and helplessness? you know how i feel.
if you could lie to make me happy, then just fucking lie.
but i need the answers and the truth so badly.
i curse and swear under my breath. not at you, but ironically, at me.
i hate myself, almost immediately, realising how once again i've fallen into the trap. the trap of loving somone, who seemingly...is ready to give me up anytime.
i'm so fucking tired.
give me a break, again.
decisions, are so hard to make.
i would run and hide to avoid making one.
it's so painful to say words to hurt you on purpose.
so why do i say it still?
so that i may seem stronger than you?
but you know..you know you've got the upper hand.
i'm just nothing, but a pawn to you.
nothing...
you say words that contradict.
what are your priorities?
why do you make me feel like a fool?
feeling happy one second, then the next, telling me something unpleasant, and then what? am i supposed to be all carefree and say.."sure, let's just do it your way. i'm fine."?
because...my happiness is so dependent on you.
how i recall now the hairdresser auntie told me--never depend on guys for your happiness. they leave as and when they want to. but women are often victims of these tragedies. we dug the grave with our own bare hands.
when can i step out of the grave MYSELF?
or will you need to help me?
or will i just let you bury me, till one day, i no longer breath, no longer live, all alone.
this time, regret will be too late.
skip, skip, skip.
how many more times will i have to skip?
what is right and what is wrong?
what is present and what is future?
is present, short-term happiness more meaningful? or long term happiness?
can both be attained?
why the hell am i so fucking dependent on you?
dependent on you for answers and my future.
i see no end. i see no purpose.
i see myself as a temporary object, there to provide for you when you most need it. then, discard me when you no longer require me. i am a burden to you, am i not?
the rollercoaster ride i've been taking since i met you, never stopped, no time-outs, no breaks.
the trails seem to be getting more and more worn.
i miss you like mad. i want to see you.
but you frustrate me. i hate losing my temper, yet you seem to be one of the few who make me so lost and irritated--at MYSELF.
i don't want to see you..until you at least know what the hell is going through your mind. till i know where i stand. how long will i stand there.
selfishness. something i wish to cultivate in myself, seems so hard to implant.
yet..forever prevalent in you.
hurting me.
pain..is there to make sure you're alive right?
pain..accompanied by emotions of feeling cheated, delusioned, and..feeling like a fool who based her happiness on imaginary events that weren't constant for the other party.
how long...have i lied and blinded myself?
i want to step out of this so badly.
step out of it and never look back in regret or pain.
never step in again.
yet another part of me cannot bring that offending foot forward.
cannot seem to let go.
cannot seem to stop wavering.
cannot stop going towards you.
fuck life.
fuck myself.
i just have a way to getting into situations that are fucking tmd undesirable.
i'll just let pain engulf me for the time-being, and pretend to the world that i'm ok.
when i'm not fucking ok.
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