constant plague.

it's funny how i feel so pekcek thinking about certain things.
i know things and situation is not gonna persist when i grow up, and life will get better for me. it WILL. i know it.

but right now i hate the way things are.

that i see people around me getting pocket money from parents; with just the simple gesture of sticking out their palms.
their stuff get paid for by parents.
parents settle everything.

in fact, money is the least of their worries.


and i often, yes, VERY often, wonder how come i don't get such privileges. very often, i will complain to my parents, asking how come i'm less fortunate than my schoolmates.

don't compare, is what they often say. comparing kills you.
but isn't it human nature?
isn't it human nature to always want to be better? to NOT suffer? to NOT worry?

i don't see why at age 20 i have to worry about so many things beyond me.
i know others who worry more, and younger too.
but...just that this environment is killing me slowly.
it just makes me more aware of how stark things are. and how cruel reality is.
i know it all became like this because i never entered the conventional local uni. i know the pressure came from my parents having to foot my school fees. i know my family could have lived a better life should i have went the typical route.

perhaps...i brought it on myself?
or did i believe that this route will bring me somewhere i believe?
the answers...when will it appear?


knowing that i'll never have what i want with the simple act of asking the great Ps.
everything comes from hard work, toiling, and suffering.

what do these people know? frankly.

perhaps it's jealousy. that i can never enjoy the luxuries they do.
that i never had things at the beck and call.
i need to stop these emotions. the self-destruction.

even more frankly, i'm breaking down from all the pressures.
to chase your dream, somehow isn't as easy as what roy puts.
i know, to never give up, to never stop pursuing.
but it gets so....so...tiring.


it's funny ain't it. that the government decides i don't need the money because i live in a condominium. when in fact, i need that gst rebates more than...some people do.

LOL.


ticking off my debts is so fun. really.


i believe my savior will appear. it will. because life is gonna change. the wheel of fortune changes.


have faith. have belief. have courage. have strength.
go tjl, fight on. you have to.





side note: that charming smile of the jap manager at the restaurant was so blinding i could feel myself turning red. cmi. how come some men are just so cute. LOL. perfect. he DID smile at me, i'm sure. politeness or what, i don't care. that moment was enough to make my day. yay!