pound pound pounding.

i swear my head will never stop pounding. my brain and body is protesting violently.
i need sleep, desperately. i miss my bed, my good skin, my non-puffy eyes, my functional brian, my attention span, my concentration, my good mood.

all for nothing??? sleeplessness for nothing; or so he claims.

what's better than having an empty vessel? me, do nothing, he snaps.
what a ridiculous statement.
i'm not guilty, and i wonder what other outstanding karma i have.

at least i know i don't go behind people's backs and stab people when they think you're a good friend.
i don't act all smiley when i don't like that person; i show TRUE emotions, do you?
oh, i forgot, you don't: because you will get what you want regardless of the means you have to go through. why am i not surprised that it's pretty much self-explanatory and how the past events go through in my mind.

i'm so tired i cannot bother to argue further with you. SAY is one thing, DO is another thing. I also can churn out those graphs easily. the fact that i gave you to do is because i really cannot take so much work load. every night i have like 5 windows of msword and excel open. i'm SICK of it.

YOU, on the other hand, sleep 10-11pm EVERY NIGHT. hosei right?
I say i work hard to get my grades, YOU tell me you don't need to because you por your way up.
HA. the irony of it all..contradicting my efforts and my hard work.
you proved my theory wrong.
you falsified yourself.
and you're not even halfway done through making a bitch of yourself.

why do this? it's just gonna accumulate.
really...is it all worth it?
a pretty vase with rotten leaves inside.

you cannot give your past as an excuse.
that's just LAME.

everyone has a past; like it or not.
overcome it WITHIN yourself, not EXTERNALLY.
it's not gonna be lifelong.


But...perhaps the world works this way right?
i cannot say you are entirely wrong, but i'll prefer substance to empty talk and superficiality.
with that skepticism of yours, that aura leaking distrust, that mask you put on infront of our teachers.......

i ahve difficulty phantoming who you are exactly. which leaves me at a loss of how to treat you.
because i know certain actions from others.
and i know what you see. i may not understand fully what you think, but...maybe i might one day.


mz: if it's not 100 percent, then why bother?

true, aint it? my motto since young. which lead to my competitive streak. it's either i get number 1, or i get the last place.

an individual of extremities.
but i really want to make this work, and i WILL.

you aren't gonna stand in my way.
and even if you (i know you will) go around stabbing me and bitching about me infront of XXX or XXXX or various other Xs, i have a clear conscience.

do you?
what is beyond your geisha smiles?




------
as if a bad day weren't enough bad.
lack of sleep as usual. trying to edit the slides as best as i could.
information overload. tired.
report still needa edit somemore.
i need help, yan. we've got loads to do, if you can spare time from your baby, k?



tuition killed me. weather killed me.
i hate singapore and the fucked up weather.
if the sun doesnt cause me to have heat stroke,
the humidity will.


almost fell asleep a couple of times while teaching P. so damn tired i apologized to her and attempted to slap myself to wake up.

headache didn't help.


wanted to take bus 30 home to sleep meanwhile.
I WAITED 45 FUCKING MINUTES FOR IT TO ARRIVE.
i almost wanted to bomb the place up.
sighs.
so...ended tuition at 630pm, i reached home only at 830pm. TWO FUCKING HOURS. wtf is the world coming to???


you know how the weather seem to mock you when you do work late into the nights and lack sleep severely.
it starts raining.
those type of iwannasleepnowrain.
zzzz.


it's like saying : HAHAH i'm raining now but you cannot sleep ORBIQUACK.

wtf.




thinking about the book, perhaps i brought HIM into my life.
i cannot blame him, must blame myself partly too.
hmmmm.
ok, shall think other stuff.
he is really bad energy to focus on.


i've got friday to settle the slides and hopefully script if i can, for the rest.
then saturday is full blast work again. dammit.
then sunday mgm plus perhaps 300 remaining stuff for report and com242 IF IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO TYPE ANYTHING OTHER THAN MY NAME.

byebye. no pictures. no mood. back to work.

if you bothered to read through, i just wanna verify that i'm not bitching. it's a reflection of the recent events and stuff made known to me.
to trust or to take as fictional is up to you.
don't ask me who it is, you know i won't say.


thanks to mel and mz for listening to my woes.
and bro, of cos.


ll, if you are listening, i can't really sense you anywhere near.
but, i know you'll be there for me when the time arises.
i believe and i have faith. (:
thank you.