short one.

you know, people have been complaining how long my entries are now.
so i shall give a short one now.
i've just found out what has been bothering me for so long.



you see, i used to think that i was close with some people, some people whom i regard as very very good friends and entrust them with everything in my life. my secrets, my worries, my troubles...in short, my ups and downs. and perhaps, i too, have thought too much.

it all boils down to the fact that, maybe i am not as close to them as i thought i was.

these people whom i thought are my absolute essentials in life, are not people whom i look to now. they know nothing about what is happening in my life, they do not bother to ask, and neither will they care anyway.

i would like to stop thinking about all this shit, and perhaps begin my life of solitude.

im breaking up inside so badly. yet i have to pretend im strong. you're right eugene. for all that sexism sentence you said to me before, you are probably right.

"no matter how strong you are, you are still a girl afterall"

perhaps i have overestimated myself. i thought i could take all this shit in my life. i thought i could handle it alone. now i've gone in a directionless search, only to come back and find out that im just not as competent as i would wished myself to be.

im tired, frankly. i wish someone could help me cary my burdens for me. i wish i didn't have so much hate in me. i wish i could take things easy. i wish everything is wonderful again.

even when i close my eyes and count to ten, the world i see when i open my eyes is the same as when i closed them 10 seconds ago.

i know im a selfish bitch. for all i know, 3/4 of the world is probably suffering more than me. but now all i can think of is how lousy my life is. i hate to go home now. i hate to stay home now. im sick of all this shit.

just let me get away from here.