constipation.

i feel so constipated because i think i haven't shitted in like 4 days. FOUR FREAKING DAYS!!! a few more days and i think i'm seriously done for. i don't even have that shitting feeling!! this is so not me. i am very sad.





i was laughing so hard with my sister just now, and sneezing combos at the same time. so when i tried to breathe in, to catch my breath, i choked on my sneeze/laughter. now my lungs feel like they have exploded. wait, or did my puny brains just *kaboom*?






yesterday was doing a quiz for education stuff. sigh. super long ok that quiz. but some parts really made me rethink about my life and stuff. there was one question that i took no time to answer. just because i was so damn clear of the answer even without processing through my head.


if one day, your mother would to let you down in a BIG way, how would you feel?

no prizes for guessing my answer.

i clicked "not surprised at all" as my option.






don't come all preachy on me because that is what i fucking feel.
and she has proven me right everytime.

my sister would agree with me on this point. something just happened just now that got her really pissed. really really pissed. sigh.

in fact, i was like freaking upset that she would do something like that. trivial in her eyes, yet she did not fucking understand us at all. how can you call something like that a MOTHER?? if she wants us to love her, i think the basic thing she should do is get to understand us first. we are not who we are 17 years ago when we were toddlers and could only mumble and stutter over our words. we are grown ups with minds of our own. characters and personalities unique in our own ways.

my sister may be more tolerant of her. but i can't being myself to do that. and i'm not sorry. i may regret one day, but i certainly do not feel a single tinge of regret NOW.




let me rant on and on about how angsty i feel. i lost all my pictures all right. the computer man came and reset up my computer. the anguish i am in is like shit-ass feeling. allt he pictures. sec 4 new year, national day, st john pictures..my birthday outing pictures, HOCKEY PICTURES(YOU KNOW GOT HOW MUCH OR NOT?!??!!) and class pictures. i feel so god damn pissed i wanna kill people. i can't control this feeling. i'm so helpless, yet totally blaming. the loss of all that pictures..i don't know how anyone can feel the same..you all can tell me memories stay and all that shit. u try telling me that when you are 99 years old and fucking senile.

things aren't just as easy as you see. and don't come telling me "big deal" because i would slap you.
this is my stuff. if you can't stand me whining here then go get a life and stop reading my blog.

















all my friends are so happily in love. can i spill out my dirty little secret?




i think i'm a little jealous.


hahahaha. no seriously, it is nice watching your friends being so happily in love, but sometimes it just feels like i have no one to turn to when in real need. need for comfort, for consolation. i seek help and love from everyone and everywhere who are willing to give me that bit of temporary love at that time. they are not constants. there are no constants. and it makes me jealous that they have constants in their lives.

am i being selfish? i don't know. i just feel sad. empty. left out. perhaps it's just me. but friends seem to take priority over partners always. i never "zong se qing you" before. and i probably expect the same out of my friends too.

the monica incident taught me otherwise. yet what she went through at the most recent case rendered everything different. and i was glad and happy. and she was too. for she realised some important stuff that she did not know. and she told me that. it warmed my heart to know that she had realised that on her own.


but perhaps this realisation will not come until its too late for others.

i'm just tired perhaps.

seeking solace from random sources.

hoping to find a true place to reside my troubled soul. i'm tired of wandering.

sometimes i think i just hope there is a place where i can settle and call my constant. sometimes.



yet there are times where i am so strongly defiant and independent it scares me.

the conflicting wants within me puzzles me too. what do i really want?

perhaps i'm still searching.

so let that be. it's night, and i'm thinking too much.