silence, i kill you!

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA. PLEASE WATCH IT. omg cheered up my gloomy day.
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sis got her LG touch screen phone. zzz. and i haven't changed mine yet cos' i cannot find that perfect one and i'm so pissed from lack of sleep.

i figured out in that short trip outside that i pretty much earn for the things i want. for instance, i work like fuck to get the money to buy the things i want because i know it's way too fucking expensive to ask them from my parents and i don't have such a thick skin anyway because i know my school fees are already imposing on them. and besides, if you are reading this rant, you'll know that i've pretty much given up on asking anything from my parents. sigh. it's come to a point whereby i am angry because i cannot stick out my palm and ask for things plainly as so many of my friends do, effortlessly. and i am angry because i want to be clearly independent and i want to be financially stable!!!

and i attempt to study like fuck(no matter how last minute) to make up for any wrongdoings in the past. for that one exam i flopped; to prove that i am not stupid. and amazingly, i do well enough to feel proud to acknowledge myself. but.......i never get recognition. i guess. my parents don't ask about how i'm coping, or what am i studying, or whether i'm dying. why, i actually miss being rewarded once in a while. ha. why am i working so hard for? my future, i tell myself.

now why am i so angry over such a small thing? i have no idea. maybe it's just that loserish shit ego or pride which most girls shouldn't possess. fine, i'm a man.

music is my therapy. i cannot believe i just experienced all possible kinds of emotions on the first day of 2008.
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ultimately, i'm gonna continue working fucking hard. sigh. to afford the things i want BY MYSELF. haven't i been doing that all along? so tired...

when surviving becomes your sole goal everyday, what more can you spare?

things only become bad when you start expecting things you shouldn't.
perhaps, i've been feeling that free-falling too often last month.

i need that calm solitude and respite of reading. but my mind has been too fazed to concentrate. tired physically too. which i think is a good thing, because then i will ignore things that do not deserve my attention.

i need concentration of thought; towards objects of desires.
because what i have now is virtual, unreal, does not exist in reality.
my desires are unbased and fallable.
and how the karmic cycle talks about evilness of desires.
insatiable.

and also because there is lack of focus. the frequencies just won't work out.
but i seem to be quite adept at doing things the other way round.
wishing for things that aren't desirable, unknowingly.
and i watch them unfold, i panic, and murmur the undo charm.

enough karma.
when will i get the reapings?
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when people say god is fair, somehow, i really do understand what that means.
ha ha ha.