i have so much inside me and i have no idea who to tell to.
so tired. i'm trying very hard to leave the 2007 me aside. i'm trying hard to find a new environment and step out of my comfort zone.
every year, we grow older, we learn something new, we observe and learn from others, spot their mistakes and remind ourselves never to step in their shoes, chide ourselves for dreaming time and again.......
i keep telling myself to be strong, i can do it. i will fight against every possible odd. i will NOT return to the past me. the me who teaches tuition year after year for 3 years. the me who relies on others. the me who asks for money or wait for parents to give me money. the me who asks and demands for things. the me who is pampered non-stop. the me who is selfless and compassionate.
that me was lost 3 years ago.
iwillbesomeonegreatsomeday. i will.
right now, i just need time to earn enough to live through the next few months. it sucks not having parents to pay for your living expenses and surviving on meagre pay. lol.
because my pride is often mixed with stubborness.
whoever who was ever kind to me, i must repay the debt.
i cannot live feeling like i owe others.
i cannot live off others.
that is not jielin.
no free meals. no free gifts.
maybe this is when people are nice to me, i waver.
too much.
yet, amidst these clouds, i can still see.
choosing to ignore is best.
i'm just tired.
i need something to fight for.
i need courage again.
numbing myself doesn't work anymore.
i still remember her words: be brave. have courage, jielin. you are extraordinary. you will make it.
thank you.
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