sick. sick. sick.

no, im not talking about zihao(HAHAHAHAHA. oops i think he'll read this), im talking about myself actually. i am ultra super duper sick now.

can't think.
can't concentrate.
can't breathe.
can't do hwk properly.
im killing many trees.
used 7 packets of tissues today.
slpt unknowingly during many lessons today.
cldnt get anything concrete into my head.

conclusion: im screwed.

so little time. so much to do. i really dunno how to get past As with decent grades to get me to SMU doing the course i want. i wanna die.

im a loser.

so many things have happened recently. very busy. so i'll just give short updates.

learning festival was fune. went for four courses officialy. first impressions and ancient civilisation museum. URA and plaster cast your hand. all quite fun! :) crashed a few courses such as fencing and badminton. then "taught" floorball. but din really teach anything also anyway.

yea. wasted 2 gd days. after that friday afternoon was ocip selection camp. i think i hardly ate or slpt in peace for those 2 days or so. SUPER BUSY CAN. sigh. but i enjoyed myself la. realised that bonds and friendships were built all over again, strengthened, and also recalled many sweet memories of all that shit we went through last year. sigh. :) got to know some j1s too. heh. some of them keep saying hi to me on monday. bah. felt super funny. cos' they din dare say hi to ziwan. must be she too fierce liao. :D

half and hour of slp in those 2 days in total. then i went home packed my stuff and bathed. around 11plus 12 at night already. K.O-ed in bed. 12 hour hibernation. woke up at 12pm the next day. :)

school has been havoc and tiring. im taking a break. especially when im sick. 3/4 of my energy seems to be sapped away from me. i wish to stop going school now. think last time rv days where we get our free study periods were so shiok. i dunwan go school!!! ARGHS. screwed up life in a quite bad environment. no wonder dingo said "xian tian hou ku". now i understand.

was at mac trying to breathe and study at the same time today. wah, saw alot ah bengs and ah lians. im actually quite impressed at the teenagers today.

-they have cooler and higher tech phones than me(but i think everyone does la :( )
-they dress much better.
-they can wear sports shoes and sneakers to school!
-they have huge piercings
-they die their hair
-their hair super funky can??!
-they are open with their BGR.
-they scold alot vulgarities.
-they don't know what does "silence" means.
they eat alot fast food.
-they seem to have ALOT ALOT money.
-and oh, ALOT ALOT ALOT time.


while i was frantically trying to stuff some maths formulas into my pea brain, they were slacking away, talking non-stop, going in and out of macs, bringing in more friends, leaving with some friends. they seemed to have time for EVERYTHING. don't they ever need to study?

perhaps im gneralising, cos' what i saw today wasthe ah bengs and ah lians from neighbourhood schools near my house. hmmmm. bu still, i guess they'll out grow it la. i bet i was like them last time. super unglam.

but im still not glam now la.

got maths test tml. die already. impossible to finish. i think i really wanna die. sometimes i wish i can die before my As. den dun hafta take the exam and see the results. sigh.

sometimes i just wish i dun live on this earth. i'll be a much happier spirit.

but i cant give up now. unless i park myself in the middle of orchard ROAD for cars to knock me down or something. but orchard so busy. trafffic jam, want to knock also cannot.

:(

i really need alot determination. please give me those. someone please help me. i feel like im losing myself day by day.

losing to everything. everyone. even myself.

im lost. im miserable.