just because.

because i was afraid. because things happened. because life made me realise. because life made me change.

because i suddenly realised how much i love you. how much i love you both.

today is my popo's birthday. i sincerely wish her a very happy birthday, and may she stay healthy and happy always. i hate to see her burdened with troubles. i hate to see her wrinkle her forehead. i hate to see her worrying about her children, her grandchildren. i want to see her happy. i want her to be happy. and i want to be a source of her happiness.

i don't know why, but since young i've loved my popo tremendously. the love for her was so much greater than my love for my mother. and im sure the love is still as strong as before. it's just that as i grow older, i neglected her, i withdrew from her love and care and concerns, i withdrew whenever she drew closer. i withdrew as i grew older and became a young adult, while she cares over my younger cousins and nieces. i feel guilty about it.

it's not because i don't love her anymore. it's just because i give myself excuses that im entering adolescence, and i should be left alone. grandparents are not cool.

that's a total bullshit.

my grandparents are practically my life. i love them with all my heart.

they pampered me with everything they had. they showered me with endless abundance of love and care. they gave me everything i wanted. i was the apple of their eye. i really was. (not trying to sound bhb or what la)

i almost lost my grandfather to a stroke that he suffered 2 years ago. there has be reoccurences. relapses. recoveries. every incident would leave me with breathlessness and panic. panic that i may lose him altogether. panic that i may never get to see him to tell him how much i love him and appreciate him.

he is mostly senile now. once i greeted him in chinese new year visit to my grandparents' home, and he thought i was someone else. i could not blame him, but could only gently remind him im not that someone else, but his grand-daughter. i visited him in the hospital while he was receiving treatment. he was so immobile that he had difficulties eating. the sight of tubes running through him, and watching him struggle to sit up and hold the spoon in his trembling hands tore me apart. i had to fight back my tears to restrain myself from tearing there infront of everyone. it hurt me so much, to see him weak and fighting the battle of illnesses, relieving memories where he was once robust and healthy.

he has lost so much weight since.

i remember visiting him in the hospital once. he was having his meal, and yet he could not even hold the spoon in his trembling hands properly. since he was paralysed on one side, he could only use one side of his hand to lift up the spoon to feed food into his mouth. i fed him instead. he refused to eat the vegetables, and even complained constantly to me, of how horrible the hospital meals were, how tasteless they are. i had to persuade him like a little child, encouraging him to eat a little of everything, for it's for the better of his diet. the relatives around him said the same thing too before, and hence told me not to waste my breath. but i persisted.

and he listened! he actually obediently ate all the food that i fed him. nodded his head to indicate he understood what i was trying to tell him..these small gestures, though simple by nature, made me appreciate and very relieved, that actually he still remembered me. despite his senile condition, he could still register me as his grand-daughter. and that, touched me to tears.

no words can truly describe my love for them. it is difficult to pen my emotions in this state of melancholy, with the silent night surrounding me. it is the perfect night for reminiscence. it is the perfect night to think of what i've missed out on and had taken for granted in my life.

for because things that may be a part of our lives now, may not be existent in our lives the next moment. for because that is life.

the term in itself, is not for us to comprehend. rather, it is for us to start treasuring what we have in our lives now, to appreciate their value, and most importantly, to let those we value KNOW that we value them. i do not want to regret not hugging her and telling my popo how much i love her. i do not want to regret not caring about my ah gong and blame myself for the rest of my life over his illness. i want to be there for them, whenever they need support--both silent and known.

for they have watched me grow up. and i have watched them grow old.

for i love them, and i want them to know that.

because often in today's world, the mere existence of human relationships, is but that of the whift of casper presence.

because we often do not know what we've missed in our lives, only until when it's lost, and everything too late for remedy, then we look back and regret, and this remorse consumes us for as long as we remember.

and because people always say: good things do not last.

oh, how true that is.

if i cannot make it last, then perhaps i shall make it worthwhile.