utterly lost.

thank you fatbear for always being there for me.
you make my world so much better.
even though things are crashing around me, you remain my stable support; unfaltering.


tuition for B. then last minute for P because she wanted. one hour only, then i had to rush home to change my clothes for VE.
VE-ed all the way to 11pm. shagged.
the usual regulars.
and yesterday during my friday shift, one of the weird guys who smiled at me LAST friday asked for my name today. and he introduced himself to me. zzz. and he asked if i always worked that shift. zzzzzz.



and today i worked with Hboss a little. Pboss during the changeover. and apparently from Hboss, i learnt that MY gossips quite a bit and tell tales to Pboss regarding all the employees she's worked with. this is damn bad news. i'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful when speaking around her. zzz.


closing went smoothly. everything went smoothly.
same few weirdos. but i wasn't in the mood to care.
did the usual pleasantries--smile greet thank welcome.



i feel...as COM443 continues further...speechless.
suddenly, i am plagued constantly by self-doubt.
as though i'm never good enough. and i never will be.
i'm not creative. i'm not good at execution. i'm not good enough. fundamental as that.
it's...a foreign feeling. something i've not experienced in a long while.
my world IS crashing.


and this feeling is not in isolation.


COM441 is rendering me even more confused.
Public Relations is something i've always dreamt and desired to do since i was in JC.
now that i am actually studying it, i feel as though i'm not made to fit that job.
it doesn't seem like what i've envisioned it to be all along.
it's...as though...my dream job is smattering into pieces right before my eyes.
like...dreams vanishing with a snap of my fingers.





maybe it's in my nature, to want the best of everything. to be so competitive; i actually kill myself before others touch me.


does it even make sense?



sorry fatbear...i am prolly the worst gf ever.
sometimes i feel so demanding and so unreasonable.
wanting and wanting and wanting.
and you're like...everything i can ever wish for.
your understanding, your kindness, your protectiveness, your embrace, your warmth, your generosity;

i feel as though i'm occupying so much of your time.





HAN is quitting VE. along with jas. and some other girl. i have to work more days in the coming month. as though monday, fri and sat isn't enough. and i'm not even taking my tuition into account.

i've never been more exhausted.

except perhaps measurable to hockey trainings in the past.
mental and physical torture.


many have been telling me to take it easy. why fight so hard? why work so hard?
for what? they question-

for my dreams to come true some way or another.
for paving my way to my dreams.
money may not give me happiness, but it helps solve some problems.
even Pboss thinks im crazy for working so much.
and she knows i have school to juggle too.


and they tell me, sooner or later, if i continue at this rate, i'll crash and burn.
my body will protest and i will die one day.
HA HA.



i appreciate the dark humor.
i feel dead inside already.
how do you die again. tell me. how.




i need a drink.
or maybe i don't. i need proper sleep.
away from nightmares.
from bugging deadlines.



i need to start studying for exams AGAIN.
but so many project deadlines looming.
i really.....am dying.



rest in peace, jielin.