is it even possible...

to hit an all time low in your life?
i'm not sure if this is the all-time-low-episode, but i'm sure feeling as low as hell.

rather confident that i'm living in my own private hell right now,
struggling like fuck,
resilient like some cockroach,
yet becoming more and more anti-social and selective friendliness--
just because i really cannot be bothered to entertain anymore.

life ain't all about me making people laugh.
i need someone to cheer me up too.


and if being strong and a resilient kazua looks easy to you,
i can assure you it's not.




this private hell of mine:
-living under a roof with tension. i think my parents argued over some minute thing and having cold war. zzzz.

-and living in the same room as a certain someone.
i really wonder what ill i did in my past life to have a S like you.
someone whom...i really can do without.

you played no role in being an elder S anyway.
tolerance and desensitization.
you know i can bitch non-stop, but i've given up 10 years ago.
all i ask for is some proper love and concern as an elder.
i prayed for an elder brother....but i guess it's pretty impossible.



you are always right, anyway.





I HATE IT WHEN MY EYELASH KEEPS BRUSHING AGAINST MY SPECS LENSES.
DULANNNNNN.

knn long until keeps smudging the lens and creating a blur picture infront of me.
sian.
how come like that?
and my eyes are perpetually tired how to wear contacts like that?
sigh.
ugly duckling mans.






it's tuition again tml, then videoezy.
i feel like my legs are giving away under me.
fatigue definitely doesn't know when to stop working on me.

and then there's com300 i wanna cry already lah.
where is my fucking break??!?!!!



grr.
losing myself.
losing my sanity.
i cannot even speak properly.
i don't even feel balanced.


and i haven't been thinking seriously about anything.
universe....


why am i always figuring what's real and what's not?
who's real and who's not?
harder than breaking the code.
because we are all such good actors.



i'm so warped i cannot understand myself.
if it possible that anyone sees me?
or knows me?
tired....

i need to rest such redundant thoughts that come crashing like waves in my mind.



perplexed, indeed.


if only my life was easier.
really wishing for ground zero to occur.