when will i...

...have the discipline to stop eating so much?
i doubt i can ever lose fats.
SIGH.

GOD, THEY SAY YOU LISTEN TO PRAYERS. HEAR MINE PLEASEEEE.
MAKE ME LOSE THOSE STUBBORN FATS.
I HATE BEING FAT.
I HATEEEEEE BEING BIG BONED AND BIG SIZED.

HATEEEEEEE.

forget it. i believe god is sleeping.
has more things to deal with.


been staying stuck at home as much as i can. refuse to spending more money anymore. save!
my next pay is coming soon. this month $100 to perma account ok, jielin!!!!!

goods. sigh, lesser to spend, but think long term mans. beef-up-bank-account-process.
HA.

Pc fair in two days. haven't really memo my stuff yet.
anxiety? i mean, i don't communicate with the ah lian cultures that much. shall attempt.


maybe i should stop eating. losing appetite in this hot hot weather.
just want ice cream, ice and more cold things.
ROARRRR.
if it carries on, i think i can cook an egg on my tummy. free oil available already.


was thinking back on the good old days.
how things were much simpler and how a little bit of hard work translated to tremendous results.

i should go on the rainie yang diet. but i don't need my brains to shrink any further.

yawns.

should effort be equal?
unbalanced.
it's unfair, but i shall keep quiet.


maybe because i can do so much more.
i feel empty when i am left doing nothing.
i need to be filled with more meaningful stuff.
actually, i lack compassion and connection with the society.

miss those ocip days. when you forget about yourself. selfless love and voluntarism.
joy absorbed from those you bring happiness to.
that feeling is indescribable.
and i am forgetting how it feels.

i need to lose that egocentrism.
focusing too much on myself and what i want constantly makes me feel selfish.
like i expect myself to be a queen.
how can i learn more, if i neglect others around me.
those who need more than me.

growth in mindsets.
retardation in empathy and compassion.
increases in injustice.
rising contempt.
suppressed anger.

i feel unbalanced indeed.

i feel like taking that knife in my kitchen to chop off my fats.
byebye.