have you ever considered?

plastic surgery?
i did.
i thought of the price, literally and the pain i will face.
the dilemmas. tskkk.
then again, if i really want to shrink in size, i would require more than just extraction of fats. it'll be more of extraction of oil PLUS knocking and breaking some bones.
haiz. i'm just so big boned in inappropriate areas i'm getting pissed off.

perhaps the fact that i cannot fit into pretty girly clothes make me ultra upset.
yes yes, i should find things that fit me, not try hard to fit into something that is obviously not my size.

blame myself for being born above average in singapore.

oh wells, that aside. i can whine about work again.

i realised i often say i don't really know what i'm working for, or why i'm working so hard.
i do know why.
i just kept it in my subconscious mind.

perhaps, it's a futile struggle to prove myself.
i pray it will not be.
i'm really tired.
and looking around me, seeing people with longer holidays, i feel very unhappy. realllllyyy unhappy.
but i guess that's life right. work hard now, i think i might be able to relax abit in the future. MIGHT.
i don't really know what the future withholds still.

i'm tired of guessing and praying.
it's hard to go with the flow when you keep expecting something.
we are greedy by nature. yet at times others remind me how fortunate i am, and how i have grown to neglect the less fortunate around me.
yes, the elderly, the disadvantaged, the poor.
where have i gone to? the jielin i once knew, the passionate and compassion is gone.

selfish i am. egocentric. self-centered. thoughtless. cruel. materialistic. blind to her surroundings. oblivious to the spinning world.

today, i saw an elderly woman struggling with her plastic bags. she was shuffling along slowly on a pathway to the MRT station. the simple act of slowing myself down and asking if she needed assistance would have ran from my mind had i been in a hurry today. amidst the flurry of activities i face everyday, the rush from one place to another, the times to upkeep, i often found myself overlooking people who lag behind in pace, people who face difficulties i don't.

so, i stopped, actually did a 180 degree turn, in that bustling pathway and headed for the grandma to help her. she refused my help, but in a smile i miss so much. that smile of gratefulness. how many of us are genuinely grateful for help offered from strangers?

how many of us bother?
i guess my priorities have shifted.
it's difficult to be so many sides of me at the same time, juggling this, that and that. attempting to produce that wonderfully flawless formula to be happy, successful, and lucky.
things just don't happen that way.
sure, we hold a certain amount of power in daily decisions and aspirations. yet the outcomes should be predeterminded by destiny. correct?
-shrugs-
the magic of higher powers.
can i really tell fortunes?

as i grow nearer, i actually drift further too.
the dialectic tensions.
the effect society and its people have on me.
i lose myself, yet i gain too.
the question lies in whether the loss-gain ratio is adequate.


life's tricks.

but i'm thankful, for the love i'm surrounded in. and this love, which i took for granted and abused it.
i'm thankful for my father who sacrifices time off to fetch me from my tuition on mondays and wednesdays. who buys me my favourite food. who gives in to my whinings and rantings and masks his concerns for me through naggings.
my grandmama who cooks the best food in the world. cooks my favourites with a simple request from me. who has telepathy and buys me my long-missed biscuits recently without me telling her anything.
my mama who understands my pain and hardwork i endure. who tells me not to push myself too far, not to stretch my limits beyond the point where i might snap.

yes, the few of many. words i do hear, yet i might refute, because i believe i can go much further.


stubbornness.

today's briefing first aid was rather last-minute and rushed, but i think it turned out pretty fine, and i actually enjoyed myself.
when was the last time since i did public speaking mans.
HAHAHAHHA.
miss those days.
horoscope's right. =)

i hope i'll pull through the next few days.
gonna give it my best shot.


isn't life supposed to be full of barriers?
overcome each one, and you grow with time and experience.
yes, i feel different as i felt in the past.
scars and injuries.
growth and exposure.
reasoning and logic.
instinct and judgements.


ni ke yi pei wo qu kan xing xing ma?

hahaha, i guess chinese is as important as english.
lame, it is not.
some words, can be better expressed in chinese.

i wonder, who reads this all and truly truly thinks.
it's for my memory.
i need to know what went through my mind today.
=)