i need...

Everytime i face certain challenges in my life, i struggle, then i ask myself why am i doing this?
is it even worth it? will it benefit me? will it help me grow? will i rather do it a simpler way--avoid and run?


every single time.

because i crave to learn. If i do not learn, i feel like i'm growing stupider every day.
so i need new things to enter my life. teach me new concepts, ideas, perceptions, lifestyles.
to let me understand what the world is like out there, beyond this little island.

because if something doesn't challenge me, i won't be spurred to work harder.


aiya, i don't really know how to express my feelings now in words.
i have had people telling me to quit my job.
i have had people telling me what i do is shit work and is unjustifiable.

i will not disagree. but neither will i agree.
it IS a matter of perception.
as long as i conquer this, i'll win it.
and i can feeling myself going in the right direction--steadily.


the thing now is to win the clients' hearts and for them to accept the proposals i've done so far.
working my magic is difficult when there are so many constraints.
but then again, it's part of learning.


i'm exhausted, i admit. and my body is so broken down i'll probably not live past 40 years old (and if i do even hit that age i'm damn lucky).


i was looking forward to a good break this weekend. but i guess....i might as well forfeit the idea.
it's gonna be a tight weekend. to meet deadlines and prepare drafts for meetings and discussions and editing on monday. it'll be a busy tuesday too.
and then another week will probably fly pass.


all i need now, is a good sleep.
and then perhaps quality time with people i love.
and i really do wish fatbear and i wil stop running on short circuits and get irritated/bicker/argue over small matters.

two working people in a relationship is harder than i thought.
but oh wells, whatever that is difficult and trying, just needs more effort on both ends.
things will flow for me.
they always do.



other random stuff:
-had to be a temporary babysitter for fatbear's nephew, gabriel. he grabbed onto my fingers of my left hand and fell asleep. i was in such an awkward angle i didn't nap well. didn't matter much. my mind was whirring non-stop.
-still having cramps. but no sign of the period. see? evidence 1 that my body is dead.
-lacking in appetite.
-hates ironing clothes, but has no choice.
-still loves black. trying to love heels. but prefering flats. missing sneakers.
-growing fat. unable to lose weight.
-needs more money. or maybe just spend less.
-needs love and concern. DESPERATELY. sigh.
-needs support and care. refer to above point.

ok sleep time. dear computer, please do not die on me. i need you. and whatever that i will be needing, DO NOT DIE ON ME TOO. PLEASE.