awful xmas eve.

fucking awful xmas eve.
apart from having to work, like all other public holidays, i never seem to feel the mood and atmosphere anymore.
i'm losing life and faith in things i want to believe in and enjoy.
i think i'm losing my soul.


apart from being fucking sick with bad flu now.
i'm sneezing non-stop my nose hurts. my lungs hurt. my throat hurts. and everything hurts.
even my eyes hurt.
i hate being sick. my brain cannot function properly.
and i feel so vulnerable.



apart from having to work stupid VE and tuition today.
and VE was horrendous, judging from all the stupid things that happened and i won't go on elaborating.


apart from looking at my pathetic bank allowance and curse and swear.
those numbers won't grow, somehow.


apart from wanting to NOT do anything but things will still come my way.
i'm so sick of having to work so hard for things always.
so sick with envy.


and apart from THAT wish not coming true YET. or ever.
i'm so pissed just because THAT is not happening as planned.
and i don't know when THAT will occur.
nor can i MAKE THAT occur.
i'm praying for THAT to occur within these few days, or i'll grow mad. really.


and apart from fatbear being outside with his friends,
oblivious to his sick gf at home feeling fucking awful.
i know it's a gathering and it's not like he didn't ask.
but i just wished he had shown more concern.
whatever.



i think if you put all those "aparts" together, you'll roughly know how i feel.