zilch.

does being in love equate to losing your intelligence?
because she is acting like one.
and it irritates the hell out of me.
it's like a basic retard.

I CAN TOLERATE. I CAN.

i think over the years, there is so much internal injuries, so much hurt, so much hidden secrets that i might be suffering so much i actually don't realise it; prolly until something triggers it off.
like just now.

sometimes i hate being born in this family.
i really do. and i know it's wrong.
just sometimes.

it's tuition again tomorrow. and i guess i better buck up and start looking through what happened in the past few lectures.
accented speech really pisses me off.
i frigging want to throw books in his face already.
mumbleking.
ARGHHH.

I CAN TOLERATE. I CAN.

i remember what haoz said on the short phone call that day.
there is nothing admirable about what i'm doing; or even me.
perhaps because i keep making endless comparisons, of how my life would be better, how i could be richer, smarter, prettier, thinner, luckier...the list never ends.

i'm so greedy i scare myself.
yet i often find myself behaving in a selfless manner i scare myself too.
perhaps it's because of this, i keep getting disadvantaged.
perhaps because of this, i'm bad at manipulation games.

i'm quite tired of my life.
it seems like an endless search for money and more money.
when i look in the mirror, i see only dullness in my eyes.
i actually feel sad for myself. THAT is sad.

because i believe that one day i will make it big BY MYSELF.

it's prolly a dream too big for my head.
it's prolly stubborness and wilfulness on my part.
i won't ever know.

i don't believe i cannot do it.
i don't believe i have to resort to those means.

what am i trying to prove?
am i trying to prove anything?

i can walk amidst the crowds; brushing past people, getting knocked head-on and stepped on.
tension of opposites.


and i realised how these few years, my birthday wishes have been the same.
everytime i pray to my late grandfather, i wish for the same thing. everytime i pray, i wish for the same thing.

and i always miss out something. maybe...that has lost it's priority in my life?
or maybe i'm just too afraid to look at it in the eye.
maybe i'm still _________.


it's funny how life works.
simple things like a gentle sorry from you when you accidentally knocked into me.
could actually set me off like a butterfly.
i like polite and gentlemanly guys.

few in this world already.

a total stranger, can actually make me happier than i thought.
ha. who am i bluffing.

i know, i will look at the mirror.

why, maybe that show is right.

if you don't hold hopes for something, perhaps it's better this way. no disappointments. no dashed dreams.

now, there is simply no room for dreams.

one step at a time,
will you walk with me?
will you look over me?
will you protect me?