knn maths.

i think i'm rapidly losing faith in myself.
everytime i try to convince myself i am smart, i do something stupid to contradict whatever i just tried to convince inside.

i just keep wanting to stab myself over and over again with a sharp knife.
then leave that bloodied weapon on the table.
and let me die slowly as my blood is drained out of me, like how a leaking tank drains its water.

so i won't be doing well for maths.
that one question stumped me, blurred me, made me curse under my breath, and finally, is gonna make me lose my A.
GREAT.
i wonder how many As i can get this sem.
my gpa won't be maintained.
haiz. fuck lahs. i know i shouldn't be so affected by grades and such, but it means so much to me. i have things to prove. and people to prove to too. i work hard. i study hard. i want to balance both well. i don't want anything to fucking suffer.
but it seems like i'm draining so rapidly, such that even convincing myself i'm damn freaking alert even after 4 hours of sleep is not bloody working.
and i have to act all professional and patient with the kids.
coms is right; children really have difficulty sensing the change of moods in adults. haiz.


i'm so fucktired i wanna give up on tml's mgq too. there's that dumb 225 quiz. mgq i really don't know whatthefuckamigoingtodo.
someone please save me.
i need to suck optimism from someone, before i wither and die.


see, the happier you are on the outside, the sadder you are inside.
the stronger you seem on the surface, the weaker you are underneath.
BUT the stupider i seem on the surface, inside, i'm stupider.

SEE, my day was bad enough already, waking up late, rushing to school, waiting for the stupid 189 bus for freaking long, THEN ALL FOUR BUSES CAME AT THE SAME TIME. KNNBCCB. the first one was occupied, then behind 3 all EMPTY. what the fuck is wrong with bus drivers now. simple things like driving on schedule also cannot. pissed.

then after school while crossing the overhead bridge, I SLIPPED AND FELL ONE STEP. so fucking glam. seriously, and i thought nothing worse could happen. lucky i didn't land on my butt anyway, and people behind me were a certain distance away. thank god most that i was one step away from the landing when i slipped. or not tml really can don't need take mgq already. kns.



cheers me up that i read from meow's iweekly: geminis have a high chance of marrying into a upper class.
HAHAHAHAHAH. cheers to me.
oh wells, but accuracy is yet to be investigated. tsk.


every week, i wish for the day to past faster.
yet the faster it zooms, i realise the lesser time i have for assignments to be completed.
the only thing that keeps me going are my friends.


only that i feel as stupid as xiangqin that i wish i had a zhishu in my life.
blahs.


diet of hope.

battle of enemy known as sleep;

i'm losing.
everytime my alarm clock ring(provided i hear it), i tell myself i will sleep 5 more minutes then wake up and study.
bullshit.
i never wake up until i have to, cos' of lessons.

=(

i think my quizzes and exams this week is really gone.
i'm serious. my stats is...FUCK.
and my maths was damn tyco last time. think mid-terms exams cannot tyco liao. haiz.

was damn happy to receive gene's sms about booking my first sunday for cycling(i think with haoz also?). YAYYYYY.
like think of sun and sweat and wooo..fit.

but first...conquer all these shit.


Physical attractiveness affects interaction between people.(Knapp and Hall 2006) REcent findings indicate that women who are perceived as attractive have more dates, receive higher grades in college, persuade males with greater ease, and receive lighter court sentence.

Fortunately, attractiveness is something we can control without having to call the plastic surgeon. If you aren't totally gorgeous or handsome, don't despair: Evidence suggests that, as we get to know more about people and like them, we start to regard them as better looking(Bazil, 1999).

Dressing up may be more important for men than for women when it comes to perceptions of status. Observers rely more on women's nonverbal behavior as cues to their social position, whereas men are rated more for their attire.(Mast & Hall, 2004)


so, now i learnt more things.
like why i never experience the first paragraph.



don't invade my bubble.
barrier behaviours.
i found them on public transport.

ella and wu zun together?
idealism saddens indeed.
=(

where is my ah wu?
i'm such a dreamer i think i'm so gone.
i need to stop dreaming.
because i can daydream until smile to myself.
kns.
so gone.

time to start being healthier.
disciplineeeeee.
and now, i like to look at my bank book. :)

so much so little;

i wanted to blog about quite a lot of things, but am feeling lazy, so forget it.

anyway, my friday to sunday tuition frenzy is over for now.
monday one, wednesday one, then saturday again.
MONEY MONEY MONEY. END OF MONTH COMING.
three cheers to jielin!!!
NO OUT-GOING GOT IN-COMING.
i'm damn happy. :)

i think it's very important to fill my a/c with as much money as possible now.
cos' when exams come, i wanna drop my assignments for the time-being if possible.
then again, i think if got no relief teacher to replace me, i'm quite screwed.
fuck.

next time then think.

thinking about the money is making me happy.
really.
being poor sucks.
earning your keep makes me feel useful.

besides, the kids like me, and i like them.
it's a win-win situation.
HAHAHAHA.

surprisingly, the sessions are really enjoyable these few days. :)
the kids kept making me laugh, and i kept laughing at them.

i don't want things to get outta hand though.
because i need that slight bit of discipline to carry out my lessons properly.
yawns.

on a relatively annoyed note, i'm so pissed with SOME chinawomen.
seriously. not all china people offend me, but just those who push and shove me on public transport like there's a million dollars on the seat they are fighting for.
fuck lah. they literally treat MRTs and BUSES as war zone ok.
tmdknnccb.
i mean, coms taught me to understand foreign cultures blahblahblah, BUT this is too much. WHY CAN'T THEY RESPECT OURS THEN??? see, i cannot even say that i am being racist here, cos' i'm a fucking chinese.

at least LET ME FUCKING GET OUT OF MY SEAT FIRST BEFORE CHARGING AT ME LIKE A MAD COW.
tmd. some day i will bring those electric rods and zap people who barge into me so rudely JUST FOR MY SEAT.
you be nice i will give you willingly. dumb chinawomen.
and their poor children just carry on the vicious cycle because no one teaches them what politeness means, or that giving their seats to elderly is actually something good.
i'm NOT targetting all china people. just those who are so freaking inconsiderate.
and i don't think it's something we should get used to.
because if so, then we are no where better than mere beings in the beginnings of civilisation.


ok, i'm done whinning and complaining and ranting for the day.
ignore everything if you want to.



it's like a tokyo rush hour.
i need to catch my breath.
so that i can see the blooming life around me;
the sadness hidden;
the anger growing;
the sorrows that could drown;
the tears that are never shed;
the pride that eats people alive;
the courage that fights everyday life.

i wish to see the world more clearly.
give me eyes.

im going...blind;

been pia-ing coms assignments these 3 days. finally, it's done.
i feel damn relieved.
although i think it may not be exactly high quality production, but oh wells, i need that A desperately.
i don't foresee myself getting very good results this sem.
-sighs.

on a side note, talking to meow is really......ARGH.
not to mention the wu zun moments.
sidetrack like madddddd. knn.
wu zun friendster, blog, EVERYTHING.

then just a few minutes ago i was telling her about maths Qs that i need to practice...

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
im staring at the knn thick textbook

mz says:
hai..

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i think i going to slp with it

mz says:
burn n drink

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
LIKE GOT USE LAH

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
at most lau sai

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
then lau out all the maths formulas how

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
NO USE

mz says:
den u smear ur shit on e test paper let e tcher smell

mz says:
so dun burn so early

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
..................

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i cannot stand u

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i shall copy and paste

jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
just nice blogging now

mz says:
to where>

mz says:
SHIT

mz says:
u dun lah

mz says:
wah lau
--------------
PS: this is not an accurate representation of both our brains.

this is how i keep myself entertained and awake.
i think i'm going blind, really. my eyes. ruined.
staring at the computer for hours straight. noon to dawn.
i'm dying.
tuition combo is STILL combo-ing.
quite sian.
but i'm trying to get all the teaching materials done before hand.
so that mid-sems i won't be so busy.

tired.
and fat, from all those new year goodies left at home.
=(
pimples are popping out again.
i still miss the sun.
and i think it's pretty impossible to meet gene and haoz anytime soon. =(

so yes, i think the next few days i will be stuck in the routine of going for tuition and doing maths sums.
fucking my love.





no, not him unfortunately.

i sound prety brainless don't i? ok, i know many of you think i AM brainless. -shrugs.

seriously, i think he's kinda hot. i mean not the wentworth or huge grant kinda hot. just you know, so pretty i think if i were to stand next to him, i'm the classic ugly little duckling(only that i'm the duck which never changes to a beautiful one).

idealism does saddens.
haiz.

give me another life.
another form of life.
such that each day is like living on the edge.

such that i have something to look forward to everyday.
such that i can spread my wings and fly.
no worries, no sorrows, no weights.
just soar and soar and disappear;
like that tiny speck of dust in the sky.

one down, more to go;

i never felt so elated receiving an email before.
prof ray orrange, my love.

now, i need emergency stats MGQ revision from nehneh. and abs must show me where is that dumb SD sign on the calculator. i know SHIT about mgq. and this shit feeling is feeling shittier by the minute.

there is maths mid-sems exams on wed 28th. fuck. i just went through the concepts at noon.i need practice.

glowing ambers light up across the sky.

coms to conquer.
now i pray for my boss to reply my email with the info i need to start my org217.
ah, i can be a scriptwriter soon hereafter.


the desperate fight against the ticking.
the battle with the heaviness in the eyes.
the war with the inner demons.


i feel so drained that if i think even leon says mr rolex now, my face would still be ghost white. on a side note, squeak! your eye will be ok ones! no fearrrr. you still must sleep though. =X

upside down;

so, the world is turned upside down after days of relaxing and slacking and bumming around.
and i've never felt so fucked in a long time.

realising the shortage of time due to tuitioning today, friday till sunday is going to kill and drain me. i believe i won't have enough time. or brains. or sleep.

so, i asked for it.
i have to face it.

just leave me alone to die.
it's just another option.

haoz and gene.

suddenly i rmb that i missed out the chance to meet up with them.
haiz.
i really miss them badly lahs.
and for JEZ to come together and go out again would be really fun.
ARGH.
but on house hopping day...=(
i believe we will meet up soon again.

and i still miss those two.
somehow, i feel like when i'm with them, there are no reins, no strings attached.
they mould me to be who i am,
and i am grateful to them for the little things they do.
because buddies are the best.
:)

ps: i hope you two read this ah...=X

house hopping.

was quite fun. and interesting.
it's the first time i've done so many houses in one day!
tskkkk.
anyway, it was a new experience. i thought meow's house was most comfy and warm, and tiffany's house is no doubt....the most awesome one. i mean....like...GAPE-WORTHY.
yea, i had to stop myself from gushing full blast.
i've never seen anything like this in singapore before, and i must say that it is worth it. geez. i feel envy, but i shall learn contentment.

note to self: remember tiff's house. strive towards it in my next life. HAHAHAHA.

so, i thought the ride home was damn pi4. because ab's XXX took the route to town instead of going the opposite way to clementi. I ENDED UP 45MINS AWAY FROM HOME instead of the supposed 15MIN I THOUGHT.

so yea, i wasted like $9 on taxi fare. curfews are so cumbersome. but i better don't let my parents worry anymore.
ang bao money going straight to untouchable bank a/c!

nic's driving for the entire day was okkkk. at least my life didn't feel endangered. yea, i appreciate his hardwork and tiring day. HAHAHA. man, i think they all have super ears.


somehow, i don't feel very gay right now. as in happy-gayish.
starting tuition for the rest of the week to make up for the missed ones during cny.
i'm gonna try to pia coms for the rest of the week. because i think i'm left with time free before and after my tuition slots to complete it. not very encouraging.
oh wells. more nights to tahan.

i've ate enough for 3 days at least. my cholestrol level must be sky high now.
and i miss monz.
and i miss travelling.
and i miss playing in the sun.
and i miss almost everything about the past.
nostalgia?
i miss how easy the days were.
where mindfucking is kept to the minimal.
and my karma-o-meter was the lowest.

so tired.
when some people just have everything they ever wanted,
i am working my ass off to make things happen.
so...life is never fair.
and this is how i learn.

maybe it'll make things better if i don't try so hard or wish so badly.

backdated;

so i discovered this reflective entry which i wrote but never posted because of lousy internet connections.
reading through it made me think again. because words are not simply words itself. the underlying meanings, how many people knew about?
----------------

tonight is one of those nights whereby everything comes flooding back.

when my brain is twisted in a wreck.

the night is silent, except for the gently playing music in the background.

yet, the resounding noise in my soul.

peace;

pleasant ones.

tragic ones.

happy ones.

sweet ones.

regretful ones.

when i cannot think beyond this boundary.

when i cannot comprehend anything further than my limits.

when my bird brain stupifies me.
i wonder and wonder.

they say: let the past be in the past, be glad it happened, and learn and live.

how could i have possibly thrown away a perfectly good one?

how could i have overseen everything?

things happen for a reason--sometimes, it's just screwed up with my own bare hands.

oh, those sins.

i love it that you're free.

i can no longer see you on my radar.

there's a reason for the world; you and i.

i, in my own way, paved the way for your happiness.

maybe this is the only thing i did right for you.

when the time comes again, can i grasp it tight?

or will i screw it up yet again?

solace and refinement i seek.

why, those days, how sweet tasting.

everything. are these the reality?

or memories made ideal over time?

they say, as time pass, idealism occurs in memories.

bitter things become less so.

sweet ones become diabetic.

only if you allow it.

once again, i find myself seeking neon lights amongst the greyness.

maybe i am thinking too much again.

maybe somethings are better left to rest in the coffins of our minds.
everybody needs a little time away.

hold me now;it's hard for me to say i'm sorry.

i just wanted you to stay.

after all these years, can i ever make up to you the hurt i've caused?

i ran, and never looked back.

my stubborness, my egocentrism in the working.

just for the day, from the bottom of my heart,

i wished i had let you sweep me away.

excuses, were just statements of cruelty.

perhaps this karma was magnified a thousand times.

i will never make it up.

i will never repay my dues.

you're just gonna be that part of me i can let go,

but will never forget.

or forgive myself for.

that pain in your eyes.

i remember so vividly.

that soul i broke and let someone else heal.

i deserved the treatment.
for every part of you i broke,

i paid thrice it was worth.

give me another chance.

let me salvage myself.

before i'm left with,

nothing but an empty soul.

--------------

when i realise that nothing exists but idealism in my little world,

i am troubled: to feel sad or happy.

for like a snow globe whose life inside it embraces,

once the glass sheen is broken,

it's nothing, but shattered pieces of everything.

here and there.

for i'm living in a protected little world.

in perfect little lies.

to make up an imperfect soul.

because there is a line between where the sea ends, and the sky soars upwards.

because there is so much i can do, and where fate takes over.

so where does everything end?

and where does it pick up from where it was left off?

happy cny to all!

firstly, sometimes i think it's better to stick to the motto: fuck niceness.

sometimes only. and must see opposite party.

anyway, i'm guessing most will be celebrating their cny happily. ahhhh, good food and new clothes and ang baos! woooo. :)

i hate pimplessss. ROARRRR. i'm not being bimbo here ok. i mean who likes pimples??!@$#@%$@

but i love wu zun. :) -beams. i don't fantasize ok(directed to beng), just admire and idolise WHILE YOUTUBING only.

hahaha. anyway, i think coms can be pretty comprehending sometimes.
because when someone sees the world in a view that she EXPECTS, then whatever the world does, or tt particular subject does, will be coloured in the eyes of the viewer.
THAT is pretty hard to change.

ok. back to today morning.
I FREAKING TOOK A HIKE AROUND SINGAPORE.
wah lau eh, damn kns ok. so tireddd. sorry lao jie meow made u run along with me. HAHAAHAH. i didn't expect it to be soooo farrrrr. =X
perspired like mad.
didn't help that i didn't hear my alarm clock ring AGAIN.
someone please give me a la bi xiao xin alarm clock as a gift soon.
HAHAHAHA. those...."QI LAI LE, QI LAI LEEEE!" damn irritating ones.
so i was late. if meow didn't msg to ask me where she should alight, I WOULD HAVE NEVER WOKEN UP.

saw ub soccer in the play finally. ok lah, i think just don't happen to be on form today.
must jiayou!!!
cannot give up mans. train train train!

i miss playing in the sun again.
i keep falling sick. i think i'm becoming weaker mans.
weak immune system.


i don't think everyone strives to look the same as the rest.
personal opinion.
i don't.
i don't TRY HARD to be different.
i just happen not to like the same things as others.
so it's a crime.

there are many ways to die;

but somehow, i have a remarkable way of outdoing myself.
like how i always find reasons to stab myself in the chest.


example 1:

-960+1000=400

just kill me can.
i lost marks like that. you don't wan kill me?
-stabs myself.
--------

example 2:

charles.

this one i shall not elaborate, HOR LEON.

-----------

example 3:



mr. honda.has.a.gf.

-wails loudly.
------------
example 4:

my heart was broken on valentine's day.

great.

----------
ok lahhhhs. on a lighter note:
abs my dear gave me a snow globe for vday!
woots. so touched can. really unexpected. :)
-beams. thanks babe!
ps: the msg on the balloon....grrrrrr.


yea, i think i pretty much screwed up the tests i've had this week. haiz.


nevermind lah. since when did i ever get perfect score for anything anyway.

cny is nearinggggg.

and since my ugly pictures are evident in ppl's phones, i'd rather do the honours before others do. besides, the ugly pictures don't entirely belong to me anyway. -grins. anddddd, i did abby a favour ok. no sports shoe pictures YET. :)

i kiap meow.

yesssss. i wish.

erm. my pet?

sian. forced.

i decided that a moustage was super sexyyyy.

shrinking neh neh wanna poke your nehneh.

woooo. abby act act only.

can you tell inside her mouth got alot pearls? hmmmmmm.

see lah! this is what happens when you sleep in class. HEHE.

ok. i go back to talk to wu zhun my boyfriend. byebye.

happy valentine's day.

to everyone!
oh wells, it's another day.

i'm gonna be dating 11 primary 4 kids.
machiam paedophile.
I AM NOT OK.
sighs, tuitioning lahs.

then it's maths text and mons text when i reach home.

so freaking romantic.

so, i think, this year will be the same as the last.
no valentine.
no presents.
no special one.
nothing lahs.

another day.
and i'm so tired.
so much to do.

i believe i am so near to crashing and burning.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HELENA NEHNEH! stay happy. and i'm pissed that you never reply me. knn.

tell me your name.

mr honda :)
tell me your name.
tell me about you.


mr motorcycle said i have a cute bottle.
-beams.


i realised i've not worn a skirt for a very long time.
hmmmms.

and i'm damn tired again.
loads of shit to study.
when i'm tired, i'm cranky.


and i have such dry humour it's annoying me.


i'm off.

laziness on sundays.

laziness on sundays rock. but it's guilty afterwards.

see, while i'm watching lame but entertaining youtube shows, nehneh already completed like 3/4 of her organisation assignment for coms. YOU TELL ME, how should i feel? knnbccb.

the answer: violent. ask her do profile writing she got cousin to write about. do coms project last sem, got her aunt's hospital. do about organisation this sem assignment she got her father's company. i think research paper she got topic also liao.

knn. i feel useless next to her ok.

people got talent in piano and ballet and academics also good. family rich and no worries about money balance in bank account. want to lose weight also super easy.

seriously, some people are just way too lucky. makes me think that my karma from last life must have been a shitload one.

ok i'm whining.
next topicccccc.

you know how often i wished i could wear killer heels?
like seriously. i see so many pretty covered heels everyday and it's drop dead sexy.
BUT, if i were to wear it, i think i might drop dead, yes, from falling down some stairs.

which is why i don't wear heels.
it's a pity, i think.
so i stick to sneakers and cute little boots that never make me fall and make it possible to dash after my bus when i'm late for school or tuition.
:)
i do still wish one day, that i master this skill.
one day.

okkkk, enough procrastinating jielin!
it's wrong! get things done efficiently man!
you don't have much time left. and you aren't very clever either, meaning you have to work doubly hard!

and youtubing is addictive again. after i discovered hana kimi. omg. kill me. i wanna eat quan. and i don't mind being ella. HAHAHAHA. the guy lead is just so cute, really. and he's from brunei! woahhhhh. and he's really rich. -_- see my point on some people having it all?

tsk. i'm gonna fight for it.

i think i'm gonna fail my MGQ module, which is weird, cos' i spent the least time on it. then again, it reflects my knowledge about the course also. ZILCH. NOTHING. and it's about maths too. god, kill me now before i kill myself.

i think my tummy grows twice its size one friday starts.
i'm very serious!
i should prolly document it.



AHAHAHAHAH. random thought.
the merlion competition with liu gu just before mgq class.
seriously, i think we are so unglam we can remain un-dateable.
haizzzzzzz. (sense sarcasm)
ya right.

anyway, vdae's coming and i don't feel anything. hmmmms.
principal's convinced i'll have many dates asking me out.
PUI.
in his dreams.
he lucky lah, got wife and ai xin meals for every meal of the day.
it's just another day. in fact, i have to work on that day.
how exciting.
a date with primary 4 children.


i crave that taste.
i really do.
i wanna drink without thinking about you; or because of you.
one day, these reins will loose their hold;
and one day, i will be free to soar again.

until that day comes,
i will remain clean.
i hope.
before temptations comes my way.
before seduction of the alcohol begins.

just before you fade away.

i'm labeled as an ah lian teacher.

now, i really doubt my teaching abilities.

eh, i speak proper english when i teach lah, relax.

geez, nevermind.



i hate feeling like this now.

and by this, i don't know what exactly.

no words seem to be able to describe.

my mind is so fucked up i feel fucked up.

it's radiating from within.



Words fall out of my mouth

And I cant seem to trace what Im saying

Everybody wants your time Im just dreaming out loud,

I cant have you for mine

and I know it I just wanna watch you shine.








there is much to do, procrastinating is on the way.

i just wanna dream on, about you.

but everything is wrong.

you are not supposed to even appear in my dreams.

you, are not supposed to be in my life.





Tripping up on my tongue,

Its all over my face and Im racing

Gotta get away from you

Burning all the way home,

Try to put it to bed but it chases

Every little thing I do



should i just be boisterous and fight for the attention i want?

or should i just remain understated.

there, when you need, but not yelling to be seen.



it's hard to know what i want.

or what others want me to be.

you tell me, just be yourself, be happy.

see,

i'm trying to find myself.



When the light falls on your face,

Dont let it change you

When the stars get in your eyes,

Dont let them blind you.



it is normal to have different sides of yourself right?

to behave differently with different people.

that's how a competent communicator should be, right?

see, i told you comms fucked my mind.



the sunny season is back, it's time to bring out summer clothes. HAHAHA.
sighs, not that i have many.
everyday i go school, i can't be bothered to dress up anymore.
it's my basics everyday.

i feel something impending.
call it sixth sense, or instincts. it's just a feeling.

-shrugs.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
Im singing every word for you.
Here Im thinking Im sly
Then youre catching my eye, and just maybe
Youre thinking what Im thinking too.

music fills my soul. jet me away into vastness.

fine, my limpeh is big.

today esl was...stressful.
i still don't have any research topic in mind, and it's damn bad.
but yea. time flew past in the computer lab.
then the 3 birds had mass conversation on msn.
-_- fucking lame. i couldn't help sniggering at some points. geez, must have looked really stupid.

went to RELC to collect meow's pay. HAHAHAHA.
oh mans, i really miss the people there! and they still remember us leh!
woooo.
hel also miss malcom right.
tsktsk.


went to bugis afterwards. collected the shoes and my pinochio! then got another top and a tee to go with that pinafore i got earlier for cny.
HAHAHA.
ok i'm so screwed.
sighs. i saw more converse shoes and i'm in love again. sian. if only i can one month buy one pair.
sneakers get me oh so high.

:)

but sneakers i like are not very cheap. so....suan le.

sometimes i wonder whether i buy on impulse.
which is really terrible.
haiz.
i think i gonna start disintegrating my clothes to reinvent them.
heh. and get a little feminism into me.
and my clothes. :)

wanted to get that blouse today lah.
haiz.
it's really nice. pity.

ok, i think i'm really weird now.
maybe it's just eclectism.
HAHAHAHA.
understated. british bird.



if only life could be like MCQs.

and my liver is so healthy i am actually proud of myself.
i miss the taste though.


i like myself.
it's contentment for now.
i think i look pretty decent.
asides from that limpeh.


:)



just because you think you can make me fall in love with you,
doesn't mean i can't do the same thing too.

cornybird.

ok so comms lesson today was stupid.
sent a few corny smses, pics and vids to someone.
at least it cheered him up lahs.

whole day damn slack.
still feeling slack.
i just wanna sleep.

okok nehneh i am very grateful.
tml i give you sparks ok.
esl is so early i hope i won't be late. =X


well, he smiled at me.


man oh man, abs, meow and me did another magic video. this is even more hilarious. HAHAHAHA! will find a way to post it up.

recently been feeling abit...mad.
i like the corny-ness around.
but there's hints of isolation coming about.


going bugis shopping with nehneh and liu gu. mans, i'm surrounded by niao people. HEHE.

i foresee a crappy day. :)

rollerbladed abit today.
i feel squirmish.
i feel like something is gonna plop down on me.
it better be something good with no terms and conditions.

sudden, random thoughts.

out of nowhere, i just wanted to blade and cycle so damn badly again.
i think i shall get my ass down to a park this weekend.
or not my blades will grow mould again and shatter into pieces when i touch it. and for a pair of $200 bucks blades, i think i wouldn't wanna risk it.
-_-


i realised why i love kids again.
and fuck, i raised my voice to get myself heard over the voices of 10 kids until...i'm basically quite hoarse now.
which is bad. stupid beng. sexy your HEAD.
knn.
and i got pimple outbreak, which can only mean 2 things.


i'm so fuck tired again my eyes are closing. so i shall make myself tireder and plonk to bed in a few minutes.
i think i have work awaiting and i plan to get most done before sunday. god save me, i wanna sleep and slack on sunday. my salvation.

i've got my company.
but i still need mr. stranger.
i think i shall be thick-skin and approach a random guy in the lounge tml during break. fuck lah, not like never do before.
must be secret agent, cannot let my motives me known, or not purpose defeated mans.
either that, or last resort--robot.
NO, NEVER THE CHINAMAN YOU STUPID ABBY CHAN.


or mr. wrong lift guy.


=(

mind games are fucked.
i'm clean.
i intend to stay clean.

i think i'm androgynous.
HAHAHAHAHA.
which is pretty sad, thinking about it. oh wells, i guess that's me.

traits of male and female indeed.


and i think i have self-discipline man.
i'm so proud of myself.
i think as i grow older i know how to prioritise better, which is a good thing, i insist.
:)
wo zhang da le.


i'm awaiting cny so that i can wear my new clothes and...shoes, and well, claim money for them. cos' if i wear them now, no reimbursement mans.
:)

and i wonder what my relatives will say this year.
if it could be "ni bian mei le!"
or...something good at least, other than i am older, im happy.
but i think closeness of relatives is so diminished now.
it's pretty sad. family life is close to zilch.

sighsighsigh.
i think someone should drag me away from...funky shoes.
because i have a feeling i might become those shopaholic, who specialises in shoe fetishes.
and i might become bankrupt.

after painstakingly clearing my debts entirely, i intend to stay this way.
-beams.
must start cny with a clean slate mans.

i've discovered a pretty birdy expression to make involving my teeth. it's REALLY unglam, but it seems to crack people up.
and i like to see people laugh and be tickled.
so it's good.
:)
happiness is infectious.

i think people think i'm weird.
i think random people who see me might think singapore is a winter country.
HAHAHAHAH.
oh wells, my body temp. abit low eh.
i can stand the heat, but i cannot stand the cold.

i think my pride saves me as well as killed me.
i intend to keep it on the brighter side.


did a magic video today with ab the director.
mans, i'm pro.
okok, housewife also pro.

it's cmi lame.
and i like mr. sunny.
he makes me smile.

perceived self vs presenting self.
i think i use different voices with different people and occasions.
different personalities with different groups.
so what you see of me may not be entirely accurate, but simply what i seem to be most appropriate when i am with you.
so if i'm stiff and seldom smile when i'm with you, perhaps i don't find you interesting enough.
when i laugh or go crazy and birdy with you, trust me--i like you.
when i confide in you, i trust you.
when i stop confiding in you, i lose faith and trust in you.
when i ignore you...pretty obvious.
my heart says one thing, but i will do another thing.
somehow, someway, i will make both coincide and agree eventually.

large repertoire of behaviours to choose from.
am i competent enough?
perhaps i still need fine-tuning, because i feel that i've been misunderstood at times.

just don't bother me when i'm alone studying in school. because when i do that, it only means that i don't have time later in the day to do it.
other than that, peace mans.
i'm all game for love and fun and getting high.
with limits lah, and preference.

speaking of which, i miss alcohol.
the one month quit policy is over. and going strong still!
woots.
cny ok, i will drnik. :)
let's keep those fats in reign first.

woo. i'm thinking of the sexy warm sun on my skin.
and i miss sports all over again.

OD on comm.

seriously. i think my mind is screwed up communication every week.
i don't know how exactly to perceive others anymore.
because i don't know what i am doing is right or wrong, or perhaps it might not be my fault at all and i'm dying to disect what the fuck people are thinking half the time.

like how people who refuse to take perspectives of others.
or over-generalisations and FAULTY-generalisations.
it's flying all over.
so, perhaps most singaporean girls are slim, but i am not affected to WANT to look like them.

my point stays that i am trying to fit into nice clothes without my tummy being squashed.
AND I HAVE A TUMMY.
fuckers. must i flash my tummy so that they will believe?
i just know how to hide it ok.
having skinny limbs=/=skinny.
pissed.
i never said i'm not slim.
i merely said i hate my tummy.
it's two different issues.

and i'm not killing myself while trying to reduce that fucked-up tummy.
i'm still eating--like a pig actually.
i don't deprive myself of good food from restaurants.


working harder than most doesn't mean that i am a mugger or nerd.
can't you see the underlying reasons?
lack of time.
having to work while the rest don't have to?
sighs. forget it.
maybe i just strive to achieve partial perfection.
it's in my nature.
and yes, competitiveness does produce better results.
but not kiasu-ism.
or selfishness.
when others need help, you offer without any motives.
basic motto.

argh. i'm just venting.
don't care.
i go watch tv liao.
i'm just looking forward to friday mans.
breakkkkk.

woshiyizhixiaoxiaoNIAOOO.

ok random cheena song from way back. really tired.
somehow, i was known for being the PIG in sec school and jc, but now, i'm effectively a bird.

or anything related to bird has my stamp on it. GREAT.

now worldwide disaster--bird flu. my fault.
i'm sorry.


and then housewife and i were on the topic of V during maths.
pretty sad. i wonder how many are out there, STILL.
and losing it.
who? worthiness? perceptions, perceptions.
values, up-bringing and instilled morals since young and from those around us.

i think it stands at less than 30 for the entire course.
rough estimate, not that it matters.

and wj made me lose faith in men again.
HAHAHAHA.
damn, the way he said it. and i wonder the truth behind it all.
verified?
i just want a simple, romantic love for now.
which i shall attempt to find with..erm...celebrities that are unreachables.
like *cough* lionel *cough* ljj *cough* elvin ng *cough* hugh grant *cough*

HAHAHAH. at least i don't like LIU GU dream of some zhang yang dong.
really debut of: YING XIONG JIU CHINA WOMAN.

i'm really breaking under all the time constraints and pressure.
i'm becoming *GASP* boring.
see, i appear to be this really nerdy student who pias her textbooks as much as she can in school. i'm dying to be released.
fuck, can it?
fuck it. NO.
so, study lor.
knn no time like others. just grab every single chance to study.
-sighs. and there's still work during CNY. GREAT. really. just my type of holiday.

i wonder if this is a test of my guts and strength, or merely fate playing me out.
either way, i have no choice right?


yes, i still think my tummy is fat.
yes, i'm stil trying to reduce it.
-shrugs.
it's just a personal goal to look better and feel better about myself.
i cannot freaking feel good when i'm gonna suffocate under layers of my own fat.
really, like THREE FREAKING LAYERS OF SANDWICH FAT.
ultimate.
must slowly delete one by one. hahs.



suddenly i wanna eat baked beans.



because i thought my cries here unheard;
the fact stands that they WERE heard.
simply ignored.
it's like the dull grey feathered birds preparing to take flight.
beauty in ignorance.
beauty in nonchalance.
a day so sunny can actually be perceived as gloomy.

sat-fucktired-day.

not that i fucked anything(no ab, not the 5 mistresses i have....DID YOU DO THE OTTOMANS? =D) or anyone(certainly not mr. lift) in particular.

i almost died. early morning tuition and extremely cool breeze almost blew me away to...god knows where. spain? (NOT CHINA, CONFIRM) i could barely move my limbs and drag myself from one destination to another, then attempt to pull myself together so i look barely alive to the students i teach and get them to behave like humans instead of animals in the zoo.

god, at least i didn't lose my sense of humour there. made some lame jokes and apparently really comical expressions to make them burst out laughing again. geez. don't test my patience you idiotic kid. one day, i will TAME you.

so i braved through 3/4 day of tuition, got a ride from wj to bukit batok area bus stop for 189 and plopped back home. refused to leave the house for dinner. attempted to study maths, failed badly, switched on the tv and fell aslp on the couch. then everyone came home. ate my dinner. poked. i feel fatter than ever. god save me from feeling like an aneroxic chick.

i forgot how the rest of sat night went by. more maths questions and doing differentiation until i my eyes were a blur. KO-ed on my bed until this noon 1pm? HAHAHAHAH. eh, cut me some slack ok. i'm really damn tired from the week.

ok, then....i did bugis shopping on friday. stupid nehneh mgq so long. knn i was around a group of indons who talked non-stop, nonetheless, in their national tongue. sighs. i would have loved to join their conversations. saw them talking econs. TO HELL WITH THAT. i can talk about it in the future. :)

broke, after bugis shopping. dammit. i really like alot of the new stuff they offer. it's much better than far east all-the-same-on-the-rack stuff. gosh. cny shopping i'll say. :)

apple strudel at ritz house after a tiring day was GOOD. one apple, one strawberry strudel. hehe. talked coked. mans, next week i wanna go back. items to collect.

=(

a havoc week ahead. 4 quizes. GREAT. i feel pressured to perform everyday in school. which isn't good. because i am expected to perform in tuition centre too. the parents are way too demanding. fucking stressed.

one class least number of kids i have is 4. i shall not even talk about the largest ok.
but money money. my sole source of income.
TOLERANCE.

liu gu, you are so funny.
hahahahaha.

"how many pairs of boots you have?"
"erm...2?"
"really meh? how come it seems like i saw more?"
"......."

i need fine-tuning too.

today i am relatively happy, better than last night.
i was so short-tempered i didn't even know the exact reason why.
geez. i hope i won't feel like this again mans.

-frowns-

longlong day. tireddddd.
let me whine. so everything was okkkk.
clockwork.

side note: sim toilets make me wanna slim down. IT'S SO FUCKING SQUEEZY CAN.

tuition was ok. did some maths in the freetime before tuition started. i love the centre's pantry!!! YAYYYY. hahahaha. i mean freeflow of milo drinks leh! what more can you ask for. gosh. i am growing fatssssss.

nownow, why am i talking like a bimbo?
it's so much easier to SEEM brainless.
:)
seeing the world in simple light makes one happier and easily contented.


mr lift was knn damn screwed up.
EH I THOUGHT I SUPERRRR SPECIFIC LIAO.
why got error one. haiz.
somemore TWO FOR ME TO CHOOSE. what is this. stupid ab.
SAY ONLY, LIFT DOOR OPEN DIAMOND STUD COME IN.
BUT IT'S NOT THAT ONE I WANT.

i'm damn sad ok.
china man vs random diamond guy.
can i don't choose both?
=(

suan ler. tml got hope see him again. woots! :)


peng. stupid meow and abs. STOP LAUGHING OK.
while i was suffering in the lift she was in tears--from laughing at me.
seriously, this world is.......UNFAIR!!!

hahahaha.

oh wells. today the kids were naughty. mans, but managed to control them lah. really cannot lax too much. sigh. and their spelling was horrendous. i'm making them do a retest. THREATEN SOMEMORE. they better all pass. knn i'm so pissed with a certain student. SERIOUSLY.

then again, i derive the pleasure from hearing them say BYEBYE TEACHER at the end of the lesson. ah, that childhood innocence.
makes me feel loved indeed. :)

u actually feel the heartache when my parents give me money without me asking. my mum tried to stuff another $10 into my hands the other day, but i refused.
gosh. i really think....i'm weird.
but really, i cannot bear the thought of them earning money with sweat and long hours and i just raise out my hand to take it. sure, they say u'll return them eventually. but i thin at 19 it's time i learn the hard truths about being independent and feeling poor.
let's just hope it's a passing phase.
let this be a lesson.

i don't want to anyhow spend money.
=(
i don't need anything expensive or fancy.
if i really want those, i'll earn the money and buy it myself.


sighs. my sis complained to my father that i didn't give her a present. i guess i better scout for it this fri or sat. super broke mans. knn.

im outta here. preserve energy. some stupid ESL summary to do. STUPID. i HATE summaries.


i'm scared. don't be so nice to me.
i'm scared. why are you ignoring me.
two people, two poles of emotions.