backdated;

so i discovered this reflective entry which i wrote but never posted because of lousy internet connections.
reading through it made me think again. because words are not simply words itself. the underlying meanings, how many people knew about?
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tonight is one of those nights whereby everything comes flooding back.

when my brain is twisted in a wreck.

the night is silent, except for the gently playing music in the background.

yet, the resounding noise in my soul.

peace;

pleasant ones.

tragic ones.

happy ones.

sweet ones.

regretful ones.

when i cannot think beyond this boundary.

when i cannot comprehend anything further than my limits.

when my bird brain stupifies me.
i wonder and wonder.

they say: let the past be in the past, be glad it happened, and learn and live.

how could i have possibly thrown away a perfectly good one?

how could i have overseen everything?

things happen for a reason--sometimes, it's just screwed up with my own bare hands.

oh, those sins.

i love it that you're free.

i can no longer see you on my radar.

there's a reason for the world; you and i.

i, in my own way, paved the way for your happiness.

maybe this is the only thing i did right for you.

when the time comes again, can i grasp it tight?

or will i screw it up yet again?

solace and refinement i seek.

why, those days, how sweet tasting.

everything. are these the reality?

or memories made ideal over time?

they say, as time pass, idealism occurs in memories.

bitter things become less so.

sweet ones become diabetic.

only if you allow it.

once again, i find myself seeking neon lights amongst the greyness.

maybe i am thinking too much again.

maybe somethings are better left to rest in the coffins of our minds.
everybody needs a little time away.

hold me now;it's hard for me to say i'm sorry.

i just wanted you to stay.

after all these years, can i ever make up to you the hurt i've caused?

i ran, and never looked back.

my stubborness, my egocentrism in the working.

just for the day, from the bottom of my heart,

i wished i had let you sweep me away.

excuses, were just statements of cruelty.

perhaps this karma was magnified a thousand times.

i will never make it up.

i will never repay my dues.

you're just gonna be that part of me i can let go,

but will never forget.

or forgive myself for.

that pain in your eyes.

i remember so vividly.

that soul i broke and let someone else heal.

i deserved the treatment.
for every part of you i broke,

i paid thrice it was worth.

give me another chance.

let me salvage myself.

before i'm left with,

nothing but an empty soul.

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when i realise that nothing exists but idealism in my little world,

i am troubled: to feel sad or happy.

for like a snow globe whose life inside it embraces,

once the glass sheen is broken,

it's nothing, but shattered pieces of everything.

here and there.

for i'm living in a protected little world.

in perfect little lies.

to make up an imperfect soul.

because there is a line between where the sea ends, and the sky soars upwards.

because there is so much i can do, and where fate takes over.

so where does everything end?

and where does it pick up from where it was left off?