pain hits.

my teeth is hurting. my gums are hurting. i can actually feel tension and my teeth moving.
i feel pain.
it's numbed, but it's there.
shots and shots of it.

it's late and i should be sleeping. somehow when the adrenalin runs dry, i feel empty.
when the blur of activities end, i feel lonely.
or maybe it's just the sharp contrast.
i actually enjoy this period of the night.
silence and reflective for me.

i look at my ramblings and i wonder who reads them.
who actually bothers?
who takes them seriously?
who knows what my hidden meanings are?
who knows what's beneath all those?

perhaps life is nothing without it.
everyone seems to be glowing.
except me.
it's not jealousy.
it's not envy.
it's simply missing.
i've forgotten how it feels like.
how it's supposed to be.
how not to feel the hurt, the anger, the distrust.
how to let the ice melt and warmth take over.


the scent of burberry lingers still.
reminds me.
the perfect lavender smell is unfounded.
maybe that's why i'm still waiting.
the true meaning of lavender. who really knows?

one day, i reassure myself, one day.

the buzz of life.
all emptied slots filled up.
i want company of people i've neglected and miss.
yet i want personal space.
the dialectic of connection-autonomy indeed.
i feel drained, truth to be told.
i feel like someone took a ultra large vacuum cleaner and sucked everything out of me.
i'm simply a breathing exhaling machine.
emotions, sincerely, are shots of medicine.

i need a break. yet i am not sure what to do in this break.
i feel fulfilled from my life.
yet i feel lost too.
the time i'm spending on others, is actually much more than on myself.
i wish life would bring me to a meadow somewhere far away from here.
let me lay there in the morning sun; soak in the warm rays on my face and limbs.
hear the whispering of the tall grass around me.
smell the fragrance of spring.


perhaps the pursuit for material wants have surpassed the satisfaction of inner comfort.
in the flurry of events, i've forgotten what my simple aim in life was; since i was young.
i've replaced them with complicated, wishful thinking. unattainable, dreams, illusions and lies. money, possessions and more of everything. image, academics, love, friends, food, success.


i'm still hurting.
i wish the pain would stop.


i need an angel too.
i think mine went on a holiday long ago, and decided never to return.