emo;

is subjective.
somehow these days, i no longer possess the energy to try to be hyped up about anything. everything is rushed through. one after another. breathe, exhale, breathe, exhale.

routines. things to do. responsibilities to hold. tasks to complete. targets to meet.

see, it's not that i no longer wish to go out. i appreciate the fact that people still do ask me out. yet, i seldom find the chance to ACTUALLY make the timing. either i'm having class, having to pia for a test or exam, having to complete my assignments, or having to tuition.

i'm tired of saying no.
i'm tired of feeling guilty.
because things just slip out of my mind so easily these days.

i yearn to go out and have some fun. but after a day's work, i really am so tired i just wish to go home, rest my protesting feet, give my brains some break, then gear up to revise for the quizzes next week.
no time to lose. no time to gain.
i don't even have time.

i appear to gush about hanakimi blahblah. it's just a form of release for me. to destress. to laugh about it, joke and lighten moods.
if not i would have gone crazy.

look at my eyes.
can you see my soul?
can you see it withering?
it's gonna take a long time to fight these demons.

i can see the pain in your eyes.
you cannot hide.
you tell yourself fate flows, that everything flows.
somethings just don't.
you fight and resist without knowledge of your actions and intentions.
it has becomes part of your "flow".

i've been self-monitoring myself way too much.
i've lost the context of my actions.
i've forgotten what it feels like to let go.

the only time i am free is when i am sleeping. and even that i lack.
on public transport, i try to get as much shut eye as possible.
because lack of sleep makes me angry easily. impatience.
everytime i close my eyes, i find myself never wanting to open them ever.
i find the weights getting heavier.
i find myself sinking into eternity and depths of softness.
i crave that feeling.
i feel revived, every sense, every touch, every minute detail emphasised in my sleep.


then;

i tell myself i don't care.
i tell myself i respect my decisions and am proud of them.
i tell myself to have higher self-esteem and actualization so i can feel accomplishment, so that i wouldn't be affected by these words.
today i felt that impact again.
this stigma will never be erased.
those coloured glances and euphemisms underlying.
the hidden pride beneath.

the candle wax is melting slowly.
so is my resolve.