mutterings.

yea, im gonna continue with my constant mutterings and ramblings and senseless rubbish again. i can't believe how much im thinking of late. it sucks. but i feel like i've aged a thousand years. and i so do not want to feel like an old creaky woman. BAH.

i was talking to yun ma one say about the ideal guy i wld have for my boyfriend. (not that i wanted one perfect guy now) hahaha, but it just occurred to me that it wld be nice to have a boyfriend who is a very gd friend of mine. cos' i think it's when the relationship wld be the most stable and enriching. you wldnt have to bother about who to tell your troubles to or watever. you can just confide in him.

then i remembered. i always state my stand very strongly that i believed there should be a clear boundary drawn between me and my guy friends. this would mean that i would never develop any relationship with my guy friends. but, i too realised that i had thought up this theory because it would never happen(since i never fall for my guy friends before), and because i always knew who my male friends were interested in, and always encouraged them to go for their dream girl.

during these years of growing up, i've always regarded myself as another of their male buddies, or commonly known as brother. i grew up a tomboy, with most of my friends being male, and sent to a co-ed school, where my male friends taught me sports such as football and table tennis and basketball. they would always "wage" competitions between themselves and invite me to their competitions, thinking that i would easily be "beaten". hahahaha. but most of the time i beat them la. (this shows u shld nv underestimate a girl)

i grew up independent. though i was ultra reliant on the many maids i had before. but before my last beloved maid went away, she told me one sentence that really made me stop whining and think.

you cannot be the baby forever, jielin..sometimes, instead of crying, you have to be strong by yourself. yati cannot be here for you always..

ok, so she went off, and i cried like shit. from then on, i taught myself to be independent, reliant on no one but myself. i thought i was strong, i thought i was unbeatable. but i am so wrong.

sometimes, the more one thinks she/he is strong, the more he/she appears to be, the truth is, the more he/she is wrecked inside, breaking into pieces without anyone knowing.

i AM strong most of the time, but sometimes, i just crumple into pieces. and these times, people do not know im just breaking down. people tell me i'm a strong girl everytime im upset. i know i am strong, but sometimes i just want someone to rely and lean on. someone i can trust to be there for me always, not someone who is there sometimes, and gone the next. not some variable. i've found many wonderful variables in life, but im still not sure who is that one constant. i've yet to find, or yet to discover.

perhaps its not the people and things around me changing. perhaps it's just me. i am living in a small little land out there alone, thinking that the world revolves around me, when it obviously doesn't. i am selfish. i am pampered. i am unthoughtful. i am stubborn. i am strong-headed. i am heartless. i am unforgiving. i am insincere. i am fake. i am stupid.

i was looking myself in the mirror that day. one night. all alone and awake. it caught me totally unaware, of how sad my eyes looked. if you look deep enough, all you see in those two pools are depthless of sadness. sadness that i myself have no idea where it came from. it's accumulating.

i grow up. the world is out there waiting for me. i am waiting for it. but i have to be stronger first. i have to find that strength and courage in me. i want to face the world, fearless and fighting.

i don't want to be sad no more. i don't want to cry no more.

we all need, somebody to lean on..

was reading my super old blog at open diary today. i realised how much i missed my writing style. writing about things i din care who read or who didnt. so much things, i've left unsaid, because i know of people who are reading my blog. and i do not want these people to read what i've written. this is why i prefer talking face to face to people too..better than phonecalls, than online chats, then msn conversations, than sms..

i really want people around me to be happy.

i'll do almost anything to make my friends smile and be happy again.

someone told me this: why do you bother trying to make others' lives better(through the many cips i did), when your life is simply screwed up.

my answer is simple. i derive joy from other's happiness.