bad day.

at this point, daniel powter's song suddenly would make alot sense.
but no song can sing away my blues now. feeling so terrible.

i know i said i will not update, but i shall break this promise yet again. psychotic rambling starts NOW.

this is going to be a whiny entry. because i feel like complaining.

it's PMS.

no, it's not an excuse. i'm really feeling the pits of pms. and i feel like shit.



not that i've tasted shit before.
digression.


studying is pathetic for me. progress slow. not very steady.

i feel super emo now.

and my father bought the OTO slimming belt thingy that vibrates and supposedly help you cuts fats. i'm trying it out. HAH.



today is such a lousy, bad day i cannot believe it.
you know i really tried to brush off everything. and they always say how some things you cannot control..and don't ever let those things you CANNOT control control you. get what i mean?

i guess i let those things i cannot control come and control me.

sigh. i lost. miserably. so i took the bus home feeling miserable and trying to sleep. but i couldn't. although i think i appeared quite dead to passengers on the bus. i just couldn't REST my mind.


my life is so whirled up now, i cannot think straight.

i cannot cannot cannot blood think.

i think studying has ruined me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror and tell myself: hey! i'm actually looking like a human.

no. everyday i look in the mirror and tell myself: wah kanasai knn, today is another day of studying. STOP LOOKING AT THE STUPID MIRROR LAH JIELIN! so pale so white so ghastly so scary.

and then i retire off to somewhere else to bloody try to study.






frankly, i may appear cheerful and all to people who see me on the streets. i DO try very very very hard to be happy. i know i'll feel better being happy. and i try my best to push all troubles behind to the back of my head, bt i cannot do this everytime.

i feel like the harder i try to push it back, the stronger it's hitting me everytime it surges forward.



you know, someone once told me: "why you always smiling when i see you one..look so happy everytime."

and someone even told me that "seeing me everytime would guarantee a smile free of charge."

there is a huge error.

i don't smile. i hardly smile. i GRIN like a spastic idiot.

but the point i'm trying to say is that, i AM sincere everytime i see my friends. i DO feel happy and i smile my ass off. but..sometimes, when i'm down means i'm down. you don't have to come along and ask me "are you ok?" because obviously from my ugly sulking face i am NOT ok.




i don't even KNOW what am i writing about.



i've talked to my papa. and he thinks that i should just absent myself from the maths paper. since i'm gonna go and flunk anyway. might as well don't go. sigh. anyways, an ABSENT is much better than an F right? provided i get ABB for the rest. sighhhh. provided provided.
but i was really relieved to have talked to him about it. it has been on my chest for a very long time. and the weight was bearing me down. i told him. i did not tell the other parent. in fact, i have not talked to her since like 139734875236 days ago. can't be bothered. i'm sorry, i have a mother?

i'm glad my papa understood my stand and he was caring and concerned.

the last sentence he told me was "just study your best lah..i never ask much from you..do your best can already.."

you know at that point, i so much wanted to break down and hug he and his huge tummy? i wanted to hug him for i have not hugged him since i was in primary school. i wanted to hug him because he has always been the one which is ever so supportive and understanding all the while. i've always been closer to him since i was a baby. yet as i grew up, i feel like the years are taking a toil on our father-daughter relationship--which is a sad plight to even think about.

i know he doesn't voice his expectations. i know i do get irritated and annoyed with him sometimes. i know he does too with me. i know he cares. i know he wants the best for me. and i know i want to do well. i'm i'm just so very afraid. so afraid i cannot do well enough for myself. not well enough to go where i want and do what really want.

the more he doesn't tell me he wants me to ace, the more pressurised i feel.

cos' i feel obliged to ace. i feel pressured to ace. i feel in need to ace.

i need this so much. and i am not working towards it. so how am i going to succeed?

loserloser.







you know, actually i feel so bad now i just wanna go have a good cry.
it's been so bloody long since i let those tears fall from my unmoved heart.

see ya all folks. do take care!