=(.

i just fucking screwed up my first paper.
with this terrible headache that comes and goes every two days.
i suspect if i have brain tumour.
at least migraine.
i feel dead.
so screwed up i cannot believe.
it's like a nightmare.
a nightmare i must continue, continue to terrify me, horrify me, and make me realise over and over again, how all these could have been different, if i had spent my past 1 year plus revising diligently, instead of wasting them away, in indulgent fun.

i hate this nightmare.

and what can i do? for i'm entirely at fault.

so screwed up. and no, don't tell me it isn't. because i fucking know what i wrote as my head pounded incessantly.

all i saw was rubbish.