.

of all people. you, you know who you are, you hurt me the most.

coming from someone i had truly treated as a friend. i don't know why you said those words. truth i know. but just to spite me?

do you know what happened behind all those "black" faces i had? do you know the root of it all?

i'm a real person. i show my emotions out. i'm happy i am happy. i'm angry, i am pissed. i am troubled, i'm stressed. i hardly hide any feelings from me face.

perhaps this is why i've made so many tolerate my faces.

but i did not ask for people to put on masks just to make me happy. never. especially not friends. i thought when you asked about me, you truly cared, and not just asking just to make me happy. when i said i was fine, i truly wanted some space alone.

whatever i do, i mean it. of cos' there are accidents. like when i accidentally slapped into your eye instead of your face. i truly had apologised. i was in shock too. i had no meant to slap your eye. and i hope you know it. but judging from now, i think nothing i say will help.

i'm not people who say: leave me alone. when i truly wanted some attention. when i say leave me alone, i really meant leave me alone. cos' i needed to think. i needed to think alone.

when i'm pissed, i try not to talk to people. cos' why? later offend people. so people think that's a very "black" face to tolerate. but i know that by speaking out my mind further, i'll cause more hurt. so why try? keep everything inside..

i really thought there was true friendship between us. that bond. i really thought it came a long way. i stood upf or you all the while. from the past to now. to push back all the sniggerings from others, to side with you when others smirked at your actions, to applaud you for your talents. i meant every single act from deep down my heart. i thought you knew it. i thought you would do the same thing too. cos' i thought you understood me, and that's what friends are for, aren't they?

i am really hurt. tearing as i wrote this. it started out meant for someone else. but with no names mentioned. it is not my forte. it is illegal to slam directly at someone, do you not know? i thought, since that person is not reading, i might as well type it all out. is it not an oulet to vent my thoughts and feelings? and then, people mistook it for them whom i was refering to.

did you not see the tears in my eyes as i broke down. did you not see me try to turn away from your peering faces, just to try blink back those stubborn crystals from falling out to the public eye. do you knwo the entire story behind me being upset?

every circumstance is different.

i felt maybe you wanted to spend more time with her, with others, so i slowly moved away. talked less. but i secretly hoped we'll come together again, and rebond what i thought was lost. i really thought it was friendship.

but i fucking cried when i saw what you wrote. yes, i stupidly cried. i don't know what's wrong with me..but i had not expected this to happen. to explain myself is totally useless now. everything is blown out of proportions.

i really tried. do you really know? how much do you know me? how much did you try to truly want to know? or did you ask just to make me happy again?

i did not even tell anyone about this entire thing. i did not even utter a word to my closest friends. i did not want to put people in the middle at a loss of what to do. i know how it felt, cos' i've been through it..and it really sucked.

true, i'm not a happy creature. did i even portray that to you in the first place? i made it very clear i am not a happy girl. i do try to be happy. being happy and trying to be happy is two different things. but i don't try to hide any emotions. what you see is what you get.

i don't know how so is this two-faced. i really don't..


you can hate me for all you want now, both of you. i really cannot do anything..or perhaps you won't waste your energy to hate me, but simply to ignore me, and treat me no longer as a friend. for one, i can say that we weren't very very close friends to begin with, but i truly appreciate everything you've done for me. i truly did.

for the other, it hurts alot to let go of this. but since you made it very clear not to want to see my face again, i'll try really hard not to appear infront of you. i'll really try. i'm sorry for whatever i've caused but not intended. i really am...

i've tried to do whatever i can to salvage this. but it really is beyond my control now..

perhaps you'll take pride in knowing, you have succeeded in hurting me alot.


and if you are wondering if i'm ever going to mention any names. here i'm going to say it outloud.

i'm sorry eugene and winnie. i've really done my best to explain myself. and if that's what you assume is happening, then i cannot do much. i really cannot do anything.








ps: i know wen nee, you are reading this, and you probably think i don't know you are reading this. but i really must thank you for your support during my exams period. you don't know how much all those words meant to me. truly, thank you. :) i hope the senior and junior team can meet up soon and catch up on old times yea? cheers, all the best for whatever you do..you really deserve it.