.

of all people. you, you know who you are, you hurt me the most.

coming from someone i had truly treated as a friend. i don't know why you said those words. truth i know. to spite me?

do you know what happened behind all those "black" faces i had? do you know the root of it all?

i'm a real person. i show my emotions out. i'm happy i am happy. i'm angry, i am pissed. i am troubled, i'm stressed. i hardly hide any feelings from me face.

perhaps this is why i've made so many tolerate my faces.

but i did not ask for people to put on masks just to make me happy. never. especially not friends. i thought when you asked about me, you truly cared, and not just asking just to make me happy. when i said i was fine, i truly wanted some space alone.

whatever i do, i mean it. of cos' there are accidents. like when i accidentally slapped into your eye instead of your face. i truly had apologised. i was in shock too. i had no meant to slap your eye. and i hope you know it. but judging from now, i think nothing i say will help.

i'm not people who say: leave me alone. when i truly wanted some attention. when i say leave me alone, i really meant leave me alone. cos' i needed to think. i needed to think alone.

when i'm pissed, i try not to talk to people. cos' why? later offend people. so people think that's a very "black" face to tolerate. but i know that by speaking out my mind further, i'll cause more hurt. so why try? keep everything inside..

i really thought there was true friendship between us. that bond. i really thought it came a long way. i stood up for you all the while. from the past to now. to push back all the sniggerings from others, to side with you when others smirked at your actions, to applaud you for your talents. i meant every single act from deep down my heart. i thought you knew it. i thought you would do the same thing too. cos' i thought you understood me, and that's what friends are for, aren't they?

i am really hurt. tearing as i write this. it started out meant for someone else. but with no names mentioned. it is not my forte. it is illegal to slam directly at someone, do you not know? i thought, since that the person is not supposed to be reading my blog, it's ok to write it out. is this not an outlet to vent my frustrations and feelings?

i really did not expect anyone to clamour to take the blame whom i was refering to. i did not expect anyone to assume whoever i was writing about, to be themselves.

when i read your blog, i was really crying my eyes out. crying from the hurt inside. each and every sentence. if you intended to hurt me the best way you can, you certainly succeeded. take pride in that, you've hurt me more than anyone else had for the past 2 years.

because you were a true friend to me. i thought it was mutual. i was so wrong...

i'm not pushing the blame to anyone here. i thought i should try to explain myself, even before things got worse. i wanted to salvage this thing, and i wanted to talk to you, until i read your blog. i was fucking crying before i can do anything else.

i never once said i was a happy creature. i made it very clear i am not a happy girl. people who know me well enough should know that. and i never once tried to make people to make me happy. never. i thought when my friends cared, they truly cared. i'm sure thare are genuinely those out there. cos' they know me inside out..and i thought you did too.

when you and her got together, i was overjoyed and prayed for all the best. sure i don't go around exclaiming that, but is silent blessings not enough for you? must i tell you face to face over and over again?

we drifted. i don't know whether it was intentionally or not. but the time we spent together was less. maybe i'm a girl, and you are a guy. maybe you started to detest me. there are a thousand maybes that oyu never tell me. i simply assumed you wanted to spend more time with the rest. i thought too, when this happened, you'll understand everything inside out first, before taking your stand. you used to do that, didin't you?

you didn't bother now.

i know i'm not the most well-liked in class. i do not even try to be. i strive to be as low-profile as possible. trying to close my mouth and not offending people when i can help it. people saw it as "black" face. i really cannot do anything.

people's perceptions are out of my control. and i cannot control yours too. i must say now, from what i've gathered, really am someone insignificant. and that hurts like shit, cos' you were someone huge in my life. i swear over my heart.

there are so many "i really thought" that crossed my mind. but i seem to have thought wrongly...

you mentioned that you don't ever want to see my face again. i shall grant this as your christmas wish. i will try means and ways not to appear infront of you, or her. if it repulses you that much now, i really will try.

i know many people dislike me, i just never thought a friend, you would dislike me too. for i've weathered all criticisms behind your back for you, and never once thought otherwise for my actions.

i fucking tried my very best to cear this up. if nothing else works, i can do nothing already.

although i may not have been the best of friends with her from the start, i truly appreciated all she had done for me throughout my tough patches. i truly did. for one misunderstanding to blow it all, i guess the bond between us wasn't as strong as i thought it was. i guess assuming too much made an ass out of you and me.

for you, it really is tearing me apart as i say this. but if you so do not want to ever speak to me again, then it'll be so. whatever you think now, i cannot change. you have already taken your stand. long time ago, you showed me that you could listen to both sides of the story before assuming who was right or wrong. i appreciated that. but now, you have not heard me yet. you simply took what you saw, what you heard.

it's no time for the blaming game now.

i'm too exhausted from this. i look at the present i had done halfway, and i cannot help but tear again. everything is fucking screwing up and i cannot do anything. all cos' of one miunderstanding. one. to break this friendship.

all cos' i had chosen not to say names.

but if you must know, as you read this. you know i'm refering to you.

eugene and winnie. i'm really sorry for everything, whatever you both think i've done wrong. i don't know what happened, but things just spiralled out of my reach. both of you can continue to hate, or if it's too tiring and bitchy to hate, ignore me for all you want.

for if you choose to hold your stand against me, i cannot oppose the two of you. i just wanna thank you both for everything you've done for me in the past. touched my heart, held my hand, lead me through the darkness.

i just never thought it would end so fast, and wrongly.











ps: wen nee, i know you are reading this. you probably think i do not know you are reading this, but i am. and i want to thank you for everything you've done, cheered me one as i was giving up. you knew my secrets don't you! :) you knew what others don't. and i appreciate that you kept it to yourself. i really do. i hope we seniors and junior team can meet up again! miss you all loads..really man. :)

to everyone who is bewildered, there is nothing i will tell you. for i've not spoken to anyone about this at all. i'm not asking for sympathy or what shit, i'm just trying to salvage what's left.