head is a spinning.

my head is fucking spinning.
i feel like i just got off the dumb teacup ride in genting.
only that this time..

i'm delirious one second, then depressed the next.
i feel so uncontrolled with my emotions,
my actions,
my anger,
my disappointment,
my expectations,
my frustrations.

i hate my life.
i hate myself.
period.

i feel like i'm fighting a god damn war i cannot win.
but i'm just fighting to prove my worth.
to prove that i am as good as the others,
to prove that i can catch up with the rest.

but i'm struggling.
and the defensive side of me you see,
the side where i protect myself and appear so hostile and unapproachable, so fierce and so unfriendly,
is the side i am, when i feel unfamiliarities,
when i feel that u are able to hurt me,
when you have the abilities to see through my vulnerabilities.

when i feel that i am nothing,
but a lousy piece of shit.
and i thought that i could change you,
but to no avail.


when i did so much wrong,
i no longer knew what's right and what's not.
when i'm so exhausted,
i bloody cannot thing straight.


when i created things intentionally,
only to destroy them.

i'm such a bitch.
but i'm such an angel.
i'm a little of both,
only which side do you see me to be?


who will be there to catch me when i fall?
who will be there to hold me when i crumple?
who to dry my tears when i cry?
who to see through my masks and let me lean on for support?
who for me to bully and yell vulgarities at?
who to accept me for who i am,
not try to change me,
or make me feel like shit,
and love me at the end of the day.

can you do that?
can YOU?

can you make me feel less useless.
less like a lousy person.
less like someone who is...non-existent.
someone who is like the rest.

how can we behave, to be appropriate?
when i thought i was falling in love,
then i'm not too sure suddenly.

when i thought that was that,
but i was proven wrong.
when i thought you were you,
then i saw another side i wished to never see.


so i ignored. and i tried to ignore.
so hard, i did try.
i tried to ignore what i saw, to pretend to be things i never saw.
to pretend i did not know things i knew.
to pretend i don't care when i do.
to pretend i do not love you, when my heart screams yes.
then again, do i know what is love?

everything contradicts.
maybe a drop too much i've had, maybe.
maybe i needed that.
to unwind.

when i awake the next day,
things will change, things will be different.

i just carry on with life,
i just carry on with my homework and reports and research and assignments.
time never seems to stop.
my life seems to screw me up.

i control fate?
i believed.
then i fell victim: fate controls me.
it fucking sucks.
when you are so defiant.
and you feel so uncontrollable, so...lost.
uncertain.

alcohol. bitter sweet.
high, supreme.
lows, depressing.
delirious one moment, and down the next.
you just wait for the next high.
and drown amidst your hidden tears.

as your heart forms a dam and screams silently,
and you hold your mask as calmly as you can.

who really see through you?
who?
your enemy?
or soulmate?
no one?
or simply...
you are alone in this world.
no one can save yourself,
only you yourself can.

cos' the world keeps spinning, as does my head.
time waits for no man.

the rose on my arm.
the scorpion on my wrist.
i'm a combination of both.
which drives me crazy.
because both cannot exist at the same time,
just like we two cannot.
yet when they do meet,
the intensity and chemistry is overwhelming.
so strong it blows me backwards.
it strikes me momentarily.


tragedy.
replaces.
joy.
vice versa.