silent musings.

finally came online to pen out my musings. too much. too worrying. yet im like trying my best to ignore them. i seem to be having bad dreams since god knows when. and the worst thing is tt the dreams are almost illogical and DUMB. plain dumb. BAH. i dreamt abt chickens and ants yesterday. tell me how dumb was tt.

sigh. anyway, studying so far isnt very gd. though by right i've completed all my subs, but "completed" meaning nv practice tutorials or wadeva. and besides, i cant even guarantee myself that i rmbed everything i've learnt. double bah.

gonna start doing tut soon. sigh. im like way behind, all maths tut blank. BLANK. and i realised my maths notes were BLANK too, so i had to borrow them from yun ma during the flag day to copy. and yun ma finished studying her maths already, so she kindly lent me home to copy(cos they were FREAKING ALOT). haix.

just now watched project superstar. the first time i managed to catch a glimpse of the tv today. hmmm. quite ok la. all got some quality, so i dun feel like strangling them. hahahaha. then i told my sis i think one guy very cute, so i support. BUT, she had to say he looks like cheena guy. PLEASE LOR, DON'T OK!!! gRrr. my taste cant be that bad la! :P hahahah. but sadly, tt guy cldnt sing. i guess god made us perfect somewhere and imperfect somewhere! :) and oh, he got the lowest score of all the guys, and jie cldnt stop laughing at me. triple bah.

oh yea, i cut my hair finally. super happy. cos the weather is freaking stupily HOT, and i have like many many new pimples tt popped out from nowhere despite drinking almost 5 litres of water everyday. gRrr. and im getting fatter and fairer. this all dun sound good eh? dun look gd either. :( the haircut was ok. but its so frizzy now it pokes up like antennas searching for frequencies to tap on. WAHAHAHA. shit, im really mentally unbalanced. =X

hmmm, these arent my musings actually. the large portion of them boils down to the Alevels and the grades im going to have. and what im gonna do in life. who im gonna meet in life. and i just realised that i am very OLD. BAH. i realised tt when i went to my popo house for lunch two days ago. then i saw my nephews and cousins there. the youngest there was kindergarten 1 or 2 i think. then i was calculating..if i were to be 18, and her 3 or 4 yrs old. then when im twice my present age--36, she would only be 21!!! just completing her university days! and it just hit me like a piano dropping from 100th storey above me, that my life had just whizzed by me, and me being an idiot, has been standing there and letting my life waste before me. practically WASTE. shucks. i can use my fingers to count the number of achievements and happiness moments in my life so far, and i call that sad. but, i aim to achieve more in the future, cos' i had made up my mind since i was young not to lead a normal life. no, i mean no insult. a normal life, be in housewife or a regular office worker is not insignificant, but i just plan to inject more power, colour, finance, freedom, status and pride into my life. something that i can die one day and smile, saying that i've not regretted living my life.

but first, let's be real. if i cant even get past this a-hole Alevels, then there is almost no point talking "big" abt all this shit right? the world is practical and harsh. if we dun have what it takes for them to even take a glance in our direction, then we wld nv make it. life is abt grabbing the given chances, and if we do not even have those chances given to us, then i think plainly using all our might to create those chances is going to drain all our energy. sure, some of the people who struggled have emerged victorious. and i admire them. but i've admitted tt that i do not have such strength to fight so hard. not now. im not sure abt the future.

let me just reconsolidate my thoughts. but first, abt block test 2. im quite sure that i will not do well for it.it's just too late to regret now. and i've also realised that the As are fast approaching, and i have almost no idea of the past yr and this yr's work content. im so dead. and in like a few months, im supposed to sit for this exam whereby the examiners think the candidates know their stuff. and all this don't add up for me. im quite screwed in a sense.

just like the Os. then again, i won't just go down like that. that's not me. fight, i will. try, i will. it's me against myself.