kill me.

as in REALLY kill me la. im super screwed if i dun settle down to do some serious work. sigh.

im so gonna flunk bt2. then prelims. then As. YAY.

god dammit. i dun even feel like my birthday is coming. i dun even THINK abt it. becoming 18. shit. tt sounds really old. although it also means im the legal age for quite a number of things. heh.

then again. it kinda makes me an adult. it means i'll haf to start taking responsibility for my actions. not that i haven't before. but..it's the consequences now tt burdens me. this real world out there scares me. as much as i cant wait to grow up and be part of it. make my own world out there. find my world.

then again, aren't i already a grown up? don't ppl say "when i grow up" in kindergarten and in primary sch, or maybe in secondary school? do ppl continue saying "when i grow up i wanna be.." in JCs? are u even allowed to say tt?

hecks. but when i grow up, i want to be someone successful. someone who does not need to rely on anyone but myself. someone independent and strong. someone carefree and happy. (doesn't everyone wishes to be so. hahaha) but really. i aspire. i dream. the problem is: will i get there?

i read on the newspaper abt more and more students choosing SMU as an option for uni education. it worries me. i didn't see such overwhelming response yrs ago. years ago when i made myself a promise and a target to go to SMU. it's worrying isn't it? the cream of the crop of the students in singapore, vying to get into universities in singapore, in hope of an education tt will churn them out to be someone and something everyone isnt. how many of them do succeed in life?

to answer this Q, again i ponder. what then is successful? can we define success? i believe it varies from individual to individual. it's not constant for everyone. we dream to be different personas when we grow up(or when we already are grown up). we dream to possess certain things, materialistic stuff, power, status, position..we all dream. cos' tt wad drives us forward in life, right? tts wad pushes us up and up, to reach for what we dream to WANT in life.

right now, im DREAMING. but im not doing. tts my problem. it's a very huge problem. cos' if i dun start doing something, i'll end up being a NOTHING.

and i want to be someone, tt my parents can be proud of. someone they will be proud to announce tt i am their daughter. i want to be proud of myself. i really want to. it's this self-respect tt makes me persevere on in life. not wanting to be looked down. never.

i rememeber once back in rv days. i had some trs tt really thot i cld nv make it past my Os. just cos' i failed like shit for almost every test before the Os. it was sec 4 days back then. really bad academics. but i really fought hard. cos' i wanted to show those dumb ass trs tt i was not who they thought i was. and i managed to throw out some results. sure, they werent magnificent. but im proud of myself nonetheless. i fought. and i emerged--victorious, in my own way.

perhaps then, the conclusion to this ponderings, is tt as long as i tried my best, and have no regrets, then i've succeeded in life. the greatest enemy is myself.

it is me i must overcome.