can't help it.

much whizzed through my puny brain again today.

woke up later than usual to catch whatever sleep i can before i continue my fucking week. i really dread waking up now. nothing......

i'm exhausted. it gets worse semester after semester, working more and more, school work is tougher and tougher, and everything becomes...forced.

that grin you see on my face, at times it's real, at times it's squeezed. laboriously.

when insides don't translate to the outer region.
------

expansion brings about alienation.
when professionalism robs warmth.
maybe it's time i leave.
too much to cope, too little appreciation shown.
i hardly know anything now; hanging in the thin, still air.
i'm tired of appearing happy and relaxed, tired of having to mask my emotions, make my temper sift through the air calmly.
i just cannot lose my temper.
neither can i be truly happy.
so where does the outlet go?

when all i want is to scream, shout and yell.
make a fuss about the shit i'm made to handle.
where does genuine appreciation come from? com modules told us never to believe we can see beyond. we tend to overestimate ourselves, blinded by the nearness of certain things. am i missing something?

maybe everyone is tired and everything is kept to the minimal.
but maybe only when i'm gone, then people will start to know my worth.
when they'll start to miss.

money buys everything right?
from tangibles to non-tangibles.
like relationships.
you say money hasn't changed you, you say money will never change you.
i'll watch and see then.


human beings. are. selfish.

i want to be too.
i hardly ever get the chance to be.
i don't wanna be a gemini now.

feeling individualistic.
feeling exasperated.
feeling helpless.
feeling.....caged.


i don't know how long more i can stay here.
before i lose my mind and every inch of myself.
before i lose faith, that teeny bit of courage i struggle to hold everyday.
i want to do something i like, at my own pace, at my own context.

my guardian angel.
tests me again and again.
------

fucking headache these few days.
hates.
------

realised i've successful abstained from alcohol for months!
my god.
congratualtions jielin.
your beer tummy is officially halfway gone.
:)
------

belated cheapo-looking present. better late than never.
sigh. i really shld stop being so generous when it comes to presents.
shld just spend everything on myself.
selfishness rules.

------

i want to forget him.
------

when will the ugly duckling bloom into a swan.
was staring at my own picture.
without specs.
without braces.
will i really become pretty?
all i need is some....affirmation.
------

tons of work undone.
feeling fucked.
------

i need something to revitalise me.
only 1 year plus into my univerisity studies, and i feel as if i've aged a thousand years.

who truly understands?

the repressed and the liberated.
the tension of opposites.

i wish i weren't so nice.