language as a barrier.

even if we speak the same language, we still misunderstand each other; one another.
what's more if we speak different ones?

i love you, i do. with my heart and soul.
but i hate it when you tell me how to run my life.
when you tell me this is not good, this is good.
when you tell me things i don't believe in.
when you say that things i do will not work out.
when you don't believe in me.

i hate it that you always take me in comparison to them.
or when i am expected to continue giving so much to them.
even when i am in no benficial position.
i am tired of it.



so i went to ding tai feng with parents and grandma and sis.
ate a meal. was full almost immediately
the xiao long baos are still better in crystal jade.
i like the yam dumplings though.

i want that t100 camera so much, yet i refuse to open my mouth.
maybe it is too much to ask for.

i want that pair of hi-tops gold sneakers.
or perhaps that black leather hi-top skull head one.
temptations must be curbed.

and so i deposited $150 into the permanant account.
un-touched.
$100 more than what i was supposed to put in.
i figured that since i am hopeless with saving, i might as well put in more now. SIGH.
now i survive with my xh pay solely.
wish me luck.


gss is on and i haven't really shopped. things i want still remain expensive to be bought.
things i want are out there in the crowd. i hate to squeeze.
so here i am. waiting for post gss.
heading to the weirdodo shops i usually go to seek for quirkier clothes.
usually they don't have gss anyway.HA.
i miss shopping. i guess shopping online, browsing online soothes the frazzied nerves.

i miss going out to relax, have a movie, talk cok till the sky turns dark, or even plain fooling around on orchard road.
even a random hike around singapore with nehneh is great.
i just miss carefreeness.
i hate it that i am procrastinating even though i know i have loads to do.
and i am still considering whether to take up that private tutee.
i need that extra cash so much.
so bloody much.

either that or i spend lesser.


almost impossible.
sighs.
maybe i should eat less.
no appetite anyway.
good food are hard to find.
or my tastebuds are spoilt. HAHAH.

i realise i don't really tell anyone anything much.
most of my troubles are kept within.
no wonder i feel bloated. (pun intended)

but i'm serious.
no one really knows much.
this could be a dumb act, or even stubbornly trying to put on a brave front.
i know i have people who care for me, yet i simply don't wish to talk at times.
too much can kill.
not like anyone cares to listen that much anyway.

songs songs songs.
fill my soul.
i'm a fushion of the east and west.

i can be so much better.
i just need that extra faith in myself.
more confidence.
i need more hindsight.
i need to discern the good people from the bad ones.

or simply- i need to manipulate like the rest.
maybe i should learn too.
this, might actually get me places.
run away from my conscience, and be more thick-skin.
i might actually gain much more.

give me my lavender.
i'm still waiting.
guardian angel, you better do something.