no inspiration.

recently, i've been facing ups and downs in emotions.
can be very crazy one minute with my sister, then all emo the next morning or night.

i love nights for their serenity and calm. for me to be able to think more clearly and better. i like the solitude. a vast contrast from the daytime life we all lead. mundane as it may be, it is intruded by much undesired and unwanted events or people. so, to me, the nights are exclusively private time for myself. my own personal space. invaded by only music i love, blinkings of msn windows at the bottom of my lappy screen, lying around doing nothing but stare into space.



i got new portable speakers. damn cool. damn nice. i'm in love with in. and i hope it doesnt spoil on me. =( i no money le. hahaha.

now, all i need is updated music lists. i am SOOOO sua ku now. damn.


and well, an update in my wardrope. =( hahaha. 7 days in one week, everyday wear different things, very tiring lor. especially when i choose not to iron my clothes. blahhhhh. so sian. more clothes. more clothes. more more more!



sometimes, i really think i'm the most selfish ass on earth.


i've not given as much as i've taken.



i should have.

perhaps i must start. dig through things i've not worn and give them to the salvation army. hmmmmm.



i've not yet applied. not sure what paths are available for me yet. sigh. it seems like everywhere i go, i can only hope for one faculty. dreams have crashed since i got that piece of paper. tsk. one flimsy, seemingly harmless paper can do so much to one.


i need a haircut. like SOON. damn wierd ok, my fringe NEVER GREW, but the rest of my hair grow like lightning. arghhhhh. i very sad. hair very important to me ok. hahaha.




this week is going to be packed! so many outings and meetings with friends!! i'm SUPER excited. finally, i have a life going on besides tutoring kids and becoming madder by the day, or being a lousy salesgirl. hahaha.

and i heard from parents that we are going overseas soon!! WOOO!!! damn cool ok. shopping trip. lalalala.


probably going thailand again. for like maybe the 4th time i think. forgot liao. hahaha. but i like the country and the people. STILL, it doesnt seem very safe of late. shall see how ba. =)



i have a serious case of insomia.



one question: DO I LOOK OLD???

(politically correct answer is NO, but if you think otherwise, i appreciate the honesty. =D)



you know how appearances are deceiving? cocky on the outside, but self-conscious on the inside. cheery on the outside, but sullen inside. helpful on the outside, but scheming on the inside. the list will go on and on.


i always believe in looking at the better side of things, and of people. which is why i often get tricked and betrayed. i've tried shifting away this easy trust. like yh once told me, never trust anyone else, but yourself. it's not easy.

i can get hurt again and again. and then, eventually, this hurt eats me up. devours me slowly. even without me knowing. sooner or later, i may realise that there is nothing left in me. and i'm not sure whether i can get hurt again, whether i can tolerate another of these bullshit. so i deny myself everything. i deny that i am weak. i deny that i can love. and i deny that i will crumple. but everything happens.







if they say a picture can paint a thousand words, then why can't i paint a picture of you at all?




just..please, just let everything go well. i'm trying so hard.