dilemma.

i hate problems.
they say you fight and solve problems, then in the process you grow up and mature and learn how to handle different situations better.

it's kinda bullshit.

i feel torn now.

somehow, my fate seems to lie nowhere.



i'd like to think that i have a path everywhere, but hey, who am i kidding?
haha. i'm no smart ass. i'm no talented person.
who would want me? i want so many things. i want so many dreams.
am i just cheating myself by believing in myself STILL and still working towards my dreams?
or should i just face reality and choose what would help me in my future years?


i hate the thought that at this point of time, everyone is headed for vastly different routes. i hate the thought that i'll be separated from so many good friends, and with a high chance of being alone in a faculty by myself. to start all over again from square one. i dread the thought. i like changes. but i hate in-familarity.

ironic?


i just hate thinking so much. it's like playing scrabble after a day of shit ass tuitioning and marking papers.

i just hate..being distant from people i love and care about.

but i also hate being not able to follow my dreams.

which path should i take??? god dammit.




i cannot even think straight to piece my thoughts properly.




you know, people have often reprimanded me on my harsh insight of relationships. perhaps it's true. perhaps it's not. i just think i'm one able to function independently without a partner. just yet. sometimes i think differently. i guess i'm similar to many girls. i do waver. i do crumple. maybe i pick myself up faster than others, but i still need support at times. i just strongly believe that, if you were willing to step into a relationship initially, then you should have the courage to entirely remove yourself from it when it ends.

i hate people wallowing in self-pity. and i hate people who cannot pull themselves out of their "endless pit" regardless of the countless advices and encouragements others gave.

i'm sick of being there for people who don't even want to help themselves. i am a patient person. but come on, wake up and open your eyes. only YOU can help YOURSELF.



another thing. i feel that where it concerns feelings, what's to come will come. there's no point denying it when it's so apparent already.

aiya, what the shit i'm rambling about, i don't know. i'm just f***ing tired from all that tuitioning, slavery pay and lack of social life.


i'm just tired of thinking so much. kills brain cells. evaluating and decisions and plans.






this friday night was one of the best i've ever had. :)


but somehow, the moment the fun and happy hours ended, everything came back to plague me.