knn maths.

i think i'm rapidly losing faith in myself.
everytime i try to convince myself i am smart, i do something stupid to contradict whatever i just tried to convince inside.

i just keep wanting to stab myself over and over again with a sharp knife.
then leave that bloodied weapon on the table.
and let me die slowly as my blood is drained out of me, like how a leaking tank drains its water.

so i won't be doing well for maths.
that one question stumped me, blurred me, made me curse under my breath, and finally, is gonna make me lose my A.
GREAT.
i wonder how many As i can get this sem.
my gpa won't be maintained.
haiz. fuck lahs. i know i shouldn't be so affected by grades and such, but it means so much to me. i have things to prove. and people to prove to too. i work hard. i study hard. i want to balance both well. i don't want anything to fucking suffer.
but it seems like i'm draining so rapidly, such that even convincing myself i'm damn freaking alert even after 4 hours of sleep is not bloody working.
and i have to act all professional and patient with the kids.
coms is right; children really have difficulty sensing the change of moods in adults. haiz.


i'm so fucktired i wanna give up on tml's mgq too. there's that dumb 225 quiz. mgq i really don't know whatthefuckamigoingtodo.
someone please save me.
i need to suck optimism from someone, before i wither and die.


see, the happier you are on the outside, the sadder you are inside.
the stronger you seem on the surface, the weaker you are underneath.
BUT the stupider i seem on the surface, inside, i'm stupider.

SEE, my day was bad enough already, waking up late, rushing to school, waiting for the stupid 189 bus for freaking long, THEN ALL FOUR BUSES CAME AT THE SAME TIME. KNNBCCB. the first one was occupied, then behind 3 all EMPTY. what the fuck is wrong with bus drivers now. simple things like driving on schedule also cannot. pissed.

then after school while crossing the overhead bridge, I SLIPPED AND FELL ONE STEP. so fucking glam. seriously, and i thought nothing worse could happen. lucky i didn't land on my butt anyway, and people behind me were a certain distance away. thank god most that i was one step away from the landing when i slipped. or not tml really can don't need take mgq already. kns.



cheers me up that i read from meow's iweekly: geminis have a high chance of marrying into a upper class.
HAHAHAHAHAH. cheers to me.
oh wells, but accuracy is yet to be investigated. tsk.


every week, i wish for the day to past faster.
yet the faster it zooms, i realise the lesser time i have for assignments to be completed.
the only thing that keeps me going are my friends.


only that i feel as stupid as xiangqin that i wish i had a zhishu in my life.
blahs.


diet of hope.

battle of enemy known as sleep;

i'm losing.
everytime my alarm clock ring(provided i hear it), i tell myself i will sleep 5 more minutes then wake up and study.
bullshit.
i never wake up until i have to, cos' of lessons.

=(

i think my quizzes and exams this week is really gone.
i'm serious. my stats is...FUCK.
and my maths was damn tyco last time. think mid-terms exams cannot tyco liao. haiz.

was damn happy to receive gene's sms about booking my first sunday for cycling(i think with haoz also?). YAYYYYY.
like think of sun and sweat and wooo..fit.

but first...conquer all these shit.


Physical attractiveness affects interaction between people.(Knapp and Hall 2006) REcent findings indicate that women who are perceived as attractive have more dates, receive higher grades in college, persuade males with greater ease, and receive lighter court sentence.

Fortunately, attractiveness is something we can control without having to call the plastic surgeon. If you aren't totally gorgeous or handsome, don't despair: Evidence suggests that, as we get to know more about people and like them, we start to regard them as better looking(Bazil, 1999).

Dressing up may be more important for men than for women when it comes to perceptions of status. Observers rely more on women's nonverbal behavior as cues to their social position, whereas men are rated more for their attire.(Mast & Hall, 2004)


so, now i learnt more things.
like why i never experience the first paragraph.



don't invade my bubble.
barrier behaviours.
i found them on public transport.

ella and wu zun together?
idealism saddens indeed.
=(

where is my ah wu?
i'm such a dreamer i think i'm so gone.
i need to stop dreaming.
because i can daydream until smile to myself.
kns.
so gone.

time to start being healthier.
disciplineeeeee.
and now, i like to look at my bank book. :)

so much so little;

i wanted to blog about quite a lot of things, but am feeling lazy, so forget it.

anyway, my friday to sunday tuition frenzy is over for now.
monday one, wednesday one, then saturday again.
MONEY MONEY MONEY. END OF MONTH COMING.
three cheers to jielin!!!
NO OUT-GOING GOT IN-COMING.
i'm damn happy. :)

i think it's very important to fill my a/c with as much money as possible now.
cos' when exams come, i wanna drop my assignments for the time-being if possible.
then again, i think if got no relief teacher to replace me, i'm quite screwed.
fuck.

next time then think.

thinking about the money is making me happy.
really.
being poor sucks.
earning your keep makes me feel useful.

besides, the kids like me, and i like them.
it's a win-win situation.
HAHAHAHA.

surprisingly, the sessions are really enjoyable these few days. :)
the kids kept making me laugh, and i kept laughing at them.

i don't want things to get outta hand though.
because i need that slight bit of discipline to carry out my lessons properly.
yawns.

on a relatively annoyed note, i'm so pissed with SOME chinawomen.
seriously. not all china people offend me, but just those who push and shove me on public transport like there's a million dollars on the seat they are fighting for.
fuck lah. they literally treat MRTs and BUSES as war zone ok.
tmdknnccb.
i mean, coms taught me to understand foreign cultures blahblahblah, BUT this is too much. WHY CAN'T THEY RESPECT OURS THEN??? see, i cannot even say that i am being racist here, cos' i'm a fucking chinese.

at least LET ME FUCKING GET OUT OF MY SEAT FIRST BEFORE CHARGING AT ME LIKE A MAD COW.
tmd. some day i will bring those electric rods and zap people who barge into me so rudely JUST FOR MY SEAT.
you be nice i will give you willingly. dumb chinawomen.
and their poor children just carry on the vicious cycle because no one teaches them what politeness means, or that giving their seats to elderly is actually something good.
i'm NOT targetting all china people. just those who are so freaking inconsiderate.
and i don't think it's something we should get used to.
because if so, then we are no where better than mere beings in the beginnings of civilisation.


ok, i'm done whinning and complaining and ranting for the day.
ignore everything if you want to.



it's like a tokyo rush hour.
i need to catch my breath.
so that i can see the blooming life around me;
the sadness hidden;
the anger growing;
the sorrows that could drown;
the tears that are never shed;
the pride that eats people alive;
the courage that fights everyday life.

i wish to see the world more clearly.
give me eyes.

im going...blind;

been pia-ing coms assignments these 3 days. finally, it's done.
i feel damn relieved.
although i think it may not be exactly high quality production, but oh wells, i need that A desperately.
i don't foresee myself getting very good results this sem.
-sighs.

on a side note, talking to meow is really......ARGH.
not to mention the wu zun moments.
sidetrack like madddddd. knn.
wu zun friendster, blog, EVERYTHING.

then just a few minutes ago i was telling her about maths Qs that i need to practice...

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
im staring at the knn thick textbook

mz says:
hai..

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i think i going to slp with it

mz says:
burn n drink

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
LIKE GOT USE LAH

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
at most lau sai

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
then lau out all the maths formulas how

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
NO USE

mz says:
den u smear ur shit on e test paper let e tcher smell

mz says:
so dun burn so early

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
..................

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i cannot stand u

*jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
i shall copy and paste

jielin x bigyellowshiningstar x [ aim high. fly and soar. it's me against myself. (: // have courage] says:
just nice blogging now

mz says:
to where>

mz says:
SHIT

mz says:
u dun lah

mz says:
wah lau
--------------
PS: this is not an accurate representation of both our brains.

this is how i keep myself entertained and awake.
i think i'm going blind, really. my eyes. ruined.
staring at the computer for hours straight. noon to dawn.
i'm dying.
tuition combo is STILL combo-ing.
quite sian.
but i'm trying to get all the teaching materials done before hand.
so that mid-sems i won't be so busy.

tired.
and fat, from all those new year goodies left at home.
=(
pimples are popping out again.
i still miss the sun.
and i think it's pretty impossible to meet gene and haoz anytime soon. =(

so yes, i think the next few days i will be stuck in the routine of going for tuition and doing maths sums.
fucking my love.





no, not him unfortunately.

i sound prety brainless don't i? ok, i know many of you think i AM brainless. -shrugs.

seriously, i think he's kinda hot. i mean not the wentworth or huge grant kinda hot. just you know, so pretty i think if i were to stand next to him, i'm the classic ugly little duckling(only that i'm the duck which never changes to a beautiful one).

idealism does saddens.
haiz.

give me another life.
another form of life.
such that each day is like living on the edge.

such that i have something to look forward to everyday.
such that i can spread my wings and fly.
no worries, no sorrows, no weights.
just soar and soar and disappear;
like that tiny speck of dust in the sky.

one down, more to go;

i never felt so elated receiving an email before.
prof ray orrange, my love.

now, i need emergency stats MGQ revision from nehneh. and abs must show me where is that dumb SD sign on the calculator. i know SHIT about mgq. and this shit feeling is feeling shittier by the minute.

there is maths mid-sems exams on wed 28th. fuck. i just went through the concepts at noon.i need practice.

glowing ambers light up across the sky.

coms to conquer.
now i pray for my boss to reply my email with the info i need to start my org217.
ah, i can be a scriptwriter soon hereafter.


the desperate fight against the ticking.
the battle with the heaviness in the eyes.
the war with the inner demons.


i feel so drained that if i think even leon says mr rolex now, my face would still be ghost white. on a side note, squeak! your eye will be ok ones! no fearrrr. you still must sleep though. =X

upside down;

so, the world is turned upside down after days of relaxing and slacking and bumming around.
and i've never felt so fucked in a long time.

realising the shortage of time due to tuitioning today, friday till sunday is going to kill and drain me. i believe i won't have enough time. or brains. or sleep.

so, i asked for it.
i have to face it.

just leave me alone to die.
it's just another option.

haoz and gene.

suddenly i rmb that i missed out the chance to meet up with them.
haiz.
i really miss them badly lahs.
and for JEZ to come together and go out again would be really fun.
ARGH.
but on house hopping day...=(
i believe we will meet up soon again.

and i still miss those two.
somehow, i feel like when i'm with them, there are no reins, no strings attached.
they mould me to be who i am,
and i am grateful to them for the little things they do.
because buddies are the best.
:)

ps: i hope you two read this ah...=X