psychotherapy.

MUAHAAHAHAHA.

okkk, wenta school today for one and a half hour of PSY lecture. quite interesting. at least i wasn't TOTALLY lost by the lecturer. phewww.

and i only wore that satin-lookalike top with the green sweater and shorts. nainai cannot stop saying it's sexy. DOT. it's not. i covered what needs to be covered up already. very conservative one hor.

need to jian fei liao. fat fat. =(

eat less jielin!!!!

lately gotta thank weiming for his concern and advices. being there for me when i thought i was about to hit the roof and be so stressed till i tear out my hair. he seems to be an elder brother i have been craving for since i was a little girl. hahaha. it feels so nice to be pampered and cared for. =)

and i'm going to have the luck to eat his hand-made mooncake!! happiness. SNOW SKIN ONE. hahahah. i love! =)

tml last day of school this week! =) meeting ruan mian mian for dinner. maybe edwin and monz too. going to bugis to get my bag. OPERATION FIND BAG. yesssss! hahaha. and he will be my slave and carry my books for me. lalalaaa!

cannot bully him ah. he very good to bully one. too nice liao. heh.


school is so aimless. sometimes don't know who i can be crazy with, whisper in class, laugh outloud with. so what if you have a group you can hang around with, when they are hardly the ones you can open up to. or maybe not yet? *shrugs*

one week, what am i expecting? they say birds of the same kind flock together. so what is holding us together? it seems like race has played a part in making this clique. it's so...wierd. i feel like i'm...disconnected. i miss ah wan, yun ma, syaffy..i miss all of you. somehow things will never be the same again.

i've got to find my group of friends whom i belong to. cos' 5 days a week in school, means that i need a form of reliance. independence can only go that far. i need an outlet to be crazy with.

and i need to fucking study.
5 subjects. 5 tests. next week.


=(

i need a super huge beary hug.
who wanna give it to me?

AIYEEEE.

i survived my first CSE 111 lab session.
thank god. but this is one of the easiest exercises already. i'm dreading the future ones.

i'm happy with the company so far. not here, nor there. but at least i have people i can laugh and talk to. =)

i mean, cannot expect much right? it's only the THIRD day! welllll, but i feel things are building up. we are in this together.

i'm getting used to this school timetable thing.
I WOKE UP LATE TODAY THOUGH. one freaking hour before my lecture. i never kan chiong so much before! chiong like mad i tell you. i think i reached on the dot. kanasai. lucky lecture hall on the first floor, if not i can train leg muscles again.

the lifts in SIM might as well not be built cos' i can count the number of times i actually got into the lift to take to a certain storey. it's so flooded and packed everytime!!!

i feel fitter climbing the stairs already! hahaha.

ESL 407 was good. i like the teacher! =) but i think i totally screwed up my pre-test essay! sigh. see how lah. really lost my touch in writing essays.



reading PSY text now. interesting shit.
need to digest.

AHHHH. i've got UGC to conquer later tonight. SIGH.
my first assignment. and nai nai finish liao. =( fuck fuck fuck.

stressland once again. and SHE pisses me off. seriously.

i need a personal study room.

let me whine.

JUST LET ME WHINE ABOUT SCHOOL PLEASE.

modules i'm studying now.

1) COM 101--Principles of Communication
2) CSE 111--Great Ideas in Computer Science(THIS IS SHIT, complete with lunatic as a teacher)
3) ESL 407--Advanced Written English and Reading I(compulsory one. =()
4) PSY 101--Introductory Psychology
5) UGC 111--World Civilisations I


it's only day TWO, and i'm feeling the stress level up-ed to a level i've never faced in 8 months or so. it's traumatising. the amounts of readings, the textbooks, the tests and quizzes, the exams, all looming ahead. looming as in REALLY looming. i have tests next week already.

not to mention the projects and group works.



today is better. hahaha, i realised they DO speak chinese. i mean the chinese people lah. heh. it's not bad. and apparently there is a eye candy for a couple of the girls. tsktsk. i'm ok with him lah. reminds me of jian rong though. lol.


i stop whining liao. study time. tata!

first day.

and so i managed to survive my first day of school.
so fucking zombie-fied i hardly have the mood to go around being the cheerful and over-friendly me and introduce myself to people. 2 freaking hours of sleep.

tell my body clock to go to hell. i slept at 1am plus. then i freaking woke up at 3am plus for no damn reason. THEN I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP. tell me how.

and i had to wake up at 7am to bathe and get ready for school. sighhhh. screwed up. i hope i manage to catch some close eye tonight.

really. insomia ruins my mood.

i really cannot take it. ang moh pai people. i mean, i and effectively billingual, can speak english and mandarin quite well. BUT, these people...speak english only. just kill me. i think if i pepper my conversation with a litttttle bit chinese, they'll stare at me like i'm some wierdo cheena pork.

no way i'm going to abandon my super nice chinese songs though. sigh. individuality. i'll survive it. not going to change myself just cos' the majority appears to be so ang moh.

my appearance is very deceiving. really. only people who truly know me, know me.

late for first lecture. but our darling dearest comms lecturer was later. heh. and i cannot believe they still do row call. bahhhh.
comms lecture was good. interesting. but after that had a super longggg break.

priya and i decided to go to PS to watch a movie. american haunting to be exact. scared the shit outta both of us. LOL. darn cold in the cinema can!!!! shivering and jumping from shock at the same time. the plot's quite sad though. tragic to me. and a little twisted. incest rape. GOD.

almost late for our computer science lecture on our way back from PS to SIM. oh, i saw shen's bro though. hahaha. he was like leaning forward to get my attention and i was so stoned to notice until he was right infront of me. super paiseh.

DAMN SIAN. our lecturer is a lunatic. and he doesn't know why he is a lunatic. really. he calls his lectures MAD HOUSE. wtf.

and he doesn't like his students to give him "pLORblems". thanks alot. he is giving me alot PROBLEMS listening to him talk.

ARGHHHH.

"see ah! i always tell my students this is fibre optics, don't use finger to go touch the exposed ends. cos' the GRASS(glass) will go under your skin and into your blood stream....then oyu know what you will become...?"

"glass man!" (the seniors exclaimed quite loudly)

"CORRECT! full marks for class participation!"


WTFFFFFFF. if i have to participate in his ultra cold jokes to get class participation marks, i'm so screwed. i'm hoping that i might actually fall in love with him one day. so that lectures can be less torturing on this zombie.

and computers talk shit to me. i'm gonna flunk. arghhhh. html? java script? webpages design? excel? frontpage?
WTF IS ALL THESE THINGS.
die. really die.
study study study.

CPU. MOTHERBOARD. RAM. OUTPUT AND INPUT DEVICES. BINARY. CACHE. BITS. BYTES. HERTZ. so much shit. i cannot take it.

must study. =(

more lects for the rest of the week. and projects are stressing me out too. AHHHHHH. kill meee babyyyy. i'm definitely looking forward to the weekends.
maybe i should go make some guy friends in my class tml. saves the hassle. somehow guys are more unassuming compared to girls.

too sensitive. and too desperate to want to be liked.

oh! SIM does have quite a number of cuties dammit. but they smoke. sigh. seriously, what so cool about smoking? dying young? bad breath? rotting and yellow stained teeth? cravings you cannot control? loss of own bodily functions and behaviours when in withdrawal? lesser money cos' all spent on cigarettes? i'm not even bothering to mention the number of diseases you are inflicting upon yourself.

and fuck, passive smokers are worse off. so stop polluting my air by strutting infront of me and acting like you are super cool puffing off that white stick. seriously. get a life.

it's no excuse for stress.


can't be bothered. tuition was fine. the kids were surprisingly tame today. gave them 3 papers to do. why do so fast one! haaha. and i almost fell aslp on the table while marking sat's essays. SHIT. sean wei that pri 1 kid is ultra duper cute. i heard that he creates quite alot of trouble in other classes, but somehow he very cute and nice in my class. never challenge me or what. weijin says he likes me. LOL. cos' sean wei kept claling him fatty. poor thing. =p

nicey weijin stayed to accompany me cos' i was the only teacher left and sean wei the only kid and he says "only girl here, not safe lah. ibetter stay." hahaha. nice hor? maybe i should be nicer to him. =pppp

he even offered to send me home in his car(impressed!). i didn't even know he had a car. ZAI! hahaha. and his bag was so huge i thought got corpse inside. lol. but papa fetching me mah. nice of him though. =)

somehow older guys are more gentlemanly.

oh well. my first day is over. and i shall conquer this week. there is the weekends to look forward to. thank god.

Thank
God
I 'm
Female


hahahha. saw this on a teeshirt with monz. wanted to get for tgif. but left one only. and M size. small for me ok.


ok, i'm so shagged i don't want update le. see ya guys soon.

I LOVE RBG!

hahahah. sundays rock my world.

i feel fitter after every rollerblading session. although i ADMIT that i don't blade very fast or very pro, but at least i feel less tired today. i'm improving! my stamina and legs muscles are better and stronger!!! YAY!

hahahah. still, thanks to alfie and wei ming AGAIN for being my two bodyguards. mostly wei ming lah. silently following by my side. =) somehow really feel more safe. BUT, i still fell down today. hard on my ass. TWO SIDES this time. super hiong can. i can feel myself being stunned from the impact. LOL. and my palms are bruised. =( had to sit on the ground quite long before i could feel my ass again and climb up. hahaha. then everyone bladed back to check out my ass. thanks lah, monz for hitting it to check whether i can feel it not.

hahaha. then alfie told me he saw two guys checking me out. apparently i don't know cos' i keep looking at the ground(for obstacles that can potentially trip me) always. i did saw one guy blade infront of me then turn around and say "zhe me yang?" to his friend behind me. but i didn't think much. just a quick glance up lah.
hahaha. alfie saw him turn to look at me instead of at his friend. he said it's the guys' way of checking out girls. tsktsk.
i guess they are at the losing end cos' i'm damn unglam and ugly when i blade. hope they don't have nightmare. lol.


we covered the entire ECP!!! yay! both ways you know! we getting more and more zai liao. and i wasn't panting at all. HAHAHAH.

i think i love them all. really. they make me feel so at home. so happy everytime. high on life.

pictures will be up soon! =) but depending on situation cos' school is starting for me tml! =( sighhhh. 5 days week are terrorising. plus saturday of working. i really hope sunday will be a relaxing and entertaining day from now onwards. seriously need to relax. chiong-ing spider.

first day of school. it's ok lah. normal lor,not very nervous, just worried that i might not be able to cope at the beginning. long day tml. after that gotta chiong to boon lay for tuition. sigh, the extents i go to for money. =(

so my day will be like 9am to 930pm. yays to jielin. i rock.



omg, we cannot car anymore when kok liang comes back from m'sia! how to squeeze 2 girls and 4 guys in a car???!! hahaha. today i squeeze at the back with alfie and wei mig already feel like sardine can. tsktsk. have to bus! =(

but i still love the gang. lalalaaa. hope to get to know more crazy people. hahahha.

after blading was high-ing on the car listening to songs and getting tramatised by monz and her "special vocals". dinner-ed at hong kong cafe. very yums. but i couldn't finish. hahaha. heard stories about their pai kia days and monz and i had nothing to share but tys memories. =( so sad can. hahahah.

i realised we are damn noisy. and the worst thing is i realise it, then i forget about it a moment later.

so we just noisy the whole way. the others must hate us.

monz is a rubber.
she bounces and jumps back very fast!

alfie is the guai4 ren3. hahahah.

wei ming is the uncle!

edwin is laopa!

me? i'm normal lahhh.


i'm too shagged to update anymore.
i cannot feel my legs.
and i still cannot close a car boot without making the car jump.
i miss RBG. i'm looking forward to next sunday! =)

school for now. and work. and money.

ps: remember clementi woods toilet.

wah lau eh.

let's just say friday and saturday is equally tiring.

SIM orientation(on friday) for UB students studying at SUNY this semester is terrifying. instead of the usual ice breaker games and havoc stuff, our orientation is held at 7pm!!! EVENING. seriously. and my parents and i arrived late cos' there was some jam. well, it was slightly embarrassing entering a class already filled up and lecturer talking halfway. so i stepped in, took a quick gasp internally, scanned the room for space, and located two empty seats right at the back of the classroom. bingo!

back seats are really cool cos' you get to check out the people in the entire class(although back view only) without them realising. people watching. discreetly of course.

there was an indian girl infront of me. priya is her name, after we started talking during the short break we had. i cannot believe it! we merely exchanged names and realised that we were in the SAME CLASS, and also..well, started bitching about some stuff. lol. it's so bad. but then again, it felt good having someone to talk to, although it may seem a little superficial.

it's sad though, cos' i can already spot groups of girls with their friends(must have signed up together) and it's gonna be really hard to make friends with them. horrified at the thick make-up some of these girls had too. i really admire them for their ability to do make-up, but yet slightly grossed out at the CAKE of powder they had on their faces. not very flattering. heck.

there's Miss SIM beauty peagant. HAHAHAHA.

no, i'm not going to join. i don't have "what it takes".

coming back to the topic of terrifying. the lecturer was scaring me with countless numbers(GPAs) and requirements to be able to graduate successfully, and i got so freaked out by everything. i ended up quite stressed at the end of the day, which was 9plus at night.

fucking stressed. no more time for play. so tempting, but i'm going to try my best to restrain that wild streak in me. sighhh. half-hearted efforts always bring me nowhere.


saturday, today was good. fucking early morning...erm, swim. alcohol set in quite fast, but minimal effects. everything happened in a whirl. quite scary. but..really good. heh.

so many first time-s, and it was definitely thrilling, although the kind warning by the security guard got me quite embarrassed. *grimace*

pleasure in everyday life, should they be considered as sins? ok, maybe once a week only? hahaha.

*shrugs*

i've been bad. it's time to go back to the angelic side of me for next week. 5 days weeks plus working on monday after school and saturday entire day. i should be able to survive given my determination. gotta stop whining and fight through this shit. it's really too much to handle, but if i have the support from my friends around me, and also the internal drive within me, i think i might actually pull through. *sigh*

saturday morning till early noon has to be censored on the blog. HA. secrets.

noon was tuitioning and i almost fell asleep. terrible.

finally ended the dreadful tuition hours though i had a good talk with weijing about uni stuff and him saying that he has confidence in me able to pull through quite easily..i really am touched. really. it's people like him, the simple words and gestures coming from them that make my day.

met up with BHB at clementi and napped abit while waiting for monz and edwin to arrive in their car. went to marina south to steamboat! was damn tired but still tried to keep my adrenalin pumping to keep high. hahaha. energy. every moment spent now must really be worthwhile cos' i don't have much time for myself to relax anymore. sigh.

everything was good. really. =)

tml will be blading day with RBG again. i have a new red pouch from BHB! omg. it's darn nice. i wanted to get the black one for DAMN LONG already. but a red one is striking enough. =) thanks dear.

i hope my blading will be better tml. i cannot afford to fall again. sighhh. or blade ankle-ish. damn sad. alfie sure zoom pass us liao. wah lau, chao enthu. hahahah.

i wonder if RBG will still exist even after school starts? =)

every week seems better with me able to look forward to weekends. somehow, reliance on friends during weekends really is simpler than struggling and fighting like shit in the week.


i'm so tired thoughts just keep floating in and out of my mind constantly. i cannot stop them. so confused. so fucking tired.
i don't even know what i am supposed to FEEL. i feel so bad, because i'm enjoying what i shouldn't be. and i WANT to go beyond the limits, but it's against my principles. it's like tension of opposites at work again.

the need and the want.
the urgency and the _____.
yet the romance and the flow.


i've done so many first times these 2 weeks, that i think i've sinned enough for the rest of my life. HAH.

yet i actually enjoyed it. is my inside devil struggling to come out? or do i feel more comfortable being the suppressed and "saintly" me?

i want more. i know it's wrong, but i want more.

i'm a pig.

it's virtually impossible to even TRY to lose weight with monica long xueling as a friend. REALLY.

and braces are not hurting that much already, meaning i can eat quite alot of stuff that dun require me to use my teeth to tug flesh outta something.

SIGH. i'm fat. i'm PIG. and standing beside miss skinny-eat-alot-won't-fat monz, i feel like i'm obese. it's fucking depressing. hahahahha.

no lahh, i'm used to it. i AM fat ok?


anyway, today met monz at 7:15pm(SUPPOSEDLY), then i waited until i grew mould. SHE WAS LATE. LATEEEEEE. 45 freaking minutes dammit. sky also dark liao can.
shopped in bugis for like 30 mins. not supposed to get anything, but just look look see see and wait for monz to get her earrings. SHIT LOR. then i couldn't help it but spend money again. SIGHHHHH.

sucks. i'm so waiting for my tuition pay. =(
half an hour only, and spent like 30 bucks liao. 2 shops. monz had to drag me out of bugis. so sad.

and met edwin to go GEYLANG!
hahaha.

monz:"did your feet come to geylang before?"

no, my feet did not come by itself. tsk.


monz:"later we go eat DONG jiang you tiao!"

-_-'''



hahahha, ate the famous TIAN JI ZHOU(NOT FAN, MONZ!). not bad! i don't usually eat tian ji porridge, but i must admit it was rather lip-smacking! =)

slacked awhile and waited for my fats to settle down. then monz was hungry already, so we headed down the street for DOU jiang you tiao. hahahahah. quite alot of stuff happened there.

guys asking for number.
monz trying to barge into the toilet while i was inside.
she being terrorised outside.
people thinking two of us were lesbians.
spilling 1/4 of the soya bean.
being LONG MA and ZHANG MEI, and of cos', not lacking HUANG DONG.

HAHAHAHAH. it's damn crazy, seriously. everytime i'm with them i laugh until i end up in tears and stomach cramps.
the entire shop must think we are mad people. LOL.
somehow it's comfortable hanging out with them. and i feel very happy having friends like them. introducing me to singapore's night life and good food and good places to chill out. really.

i'm enjoying life because of them. =)

thanks a million guys! =D *grins*

three musketeers rule!

i wonder what huang dong is doing with long ma now. hehe.